Summer happenings...

A lot has happened since the last time I was on here. We've had a full and beautiful summer so far. In the last few months we...

moved away from the Pioneer House. It was so hard to leave that place. We really did need to leave, we were packed like sardines in that tiny home. Our land lords sold the home in April and the new owner let us stay a few more months so Blue could finish out the school year and we could find another place to live. We had been waiting to move into a home up in Perry, Utah, but things fell through and we were scrambling to find another place. Anyway, long story short... we found a great home that is more than twice the size of the Pioneer house and on half an acre. We have room to do a big garden here and our chickens have a nice run and barn to live in (seriously... a barn!). We are still trying to get settled in here, but it's starting to feel more like home.

We've been on some really fun vacations! We went to California and Disneyland in May and Steamboat Springs, Colorado, in July. The kids were amazing on both drives in the car.... sleeping in the hotel was a different story though. Yikes! We had a great time in both places though!

And dear Baby Gray turned one this last week! I can hardly believe that he is one! This year has flown by. The other day I was thinking about how the first year of both Blue and Gray's lives have been then best years of my life. Some of the hardest days for sure, but so full of love and hope for these sweet boys. I'm so grateful to be their mom!

Anyway, now that life looks like it's starting to calm down more I hope that I'm able to find some time to write. I really miss it! Hope you are all having a wonderful summer.

Two gifts...

I saw my cousin Heather recently at her little brother's wedding reception which was really great since I haven't seen her in years and years (we've both taken our turns living out of Utah). She totally surprised me and knocked my socks off with one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received. Well... see for yourself...

She made me this darling custom floor mat for Baby Gray! Holy smokes! I was really touched by this. As someone who also likes to make handmade gifts I was just blown away at the detail and the amount of time I'm sure it took her to do this. And the tree with the initials and birds nest!! Right up my alley...

 

Seriously, I feel very undeserving of such a gift. But whether I deserve it or not... we have been loving it!

She told me that she started it when I was pregnant with Clayton. Then when we lost him she put it away and held onto it for all these years until we announced we were expecting again. That made me get all teary, knowing that she had started it for him and finished it for this baby. Thank you again Heather, so very very much!

Heather also gave me a second gift that night that I don't know if she was aware she was even giving to me. You see, we got into a little argument around the time that Baby Gray was born. I think it's fair to say that we never "came around" to the other persons point of view. We both sort of stood our ground and didn't see eye to eye and we both left that situation with our feelings hurt. I had not seen Heather for years but really I hadn't talked to her much since this situation happened. I was excited to see her and meet some of her kids that I hadn't met yet, but I was also a little nervous as to how our interaction would be with this having happened.

Heather greeted me at the wedding with a smile and a hug. We sat and chit chatted for a long time. It was SO GOOD to see her! But more than that it was so good to not feel a rift in our friendship. It was such a gift to feel like it was okay, we were moving on and not going to let this dampen our relationship. That was an amazing gift that she also gave me. The gift of letting bygones be bygones. The gift of forgiveness and moving on. It was such a wonderful night and I needed that small little tender mercy in my life right then.

So thank you dear cousin, for knowing my taste so well and making this darling floor mat. Thank you for your friendship, your forgiveness, and your example.

My own bouquet...

I've been overwhelmed at how truly amazing people have been since we had our baby. We have been poured upon with presents, dinners, service... it has been a beautiful thing to feel so loved by so many people around us. I've just been amazed as to how giving and loving people are. We've been really blessed, and it has been so nice to be able to sit back and take care of my baby while other people have helped take care of us.

I wanted to share this sweet card that I got from my cousin after we had the baby. Sometimes the gifts that touch our hearts the most are the ones that are so simple, yet hold so much meaning. She gave me this little tiny picture...

Once upon a time I poured my heart into this post about white daisies and the meaning that they have to me. She said that she thought about getting me a bouquet of daisies but she wanted to give me one that would last. I cherish this little card of white daisies. The thing I have longed for the most for so many years is finally in my arms.

I've been on a super emotional roller coaster ride this last month. The lack of sleep, the not feeling well, recovering from the birth, and then the realization that I really do have a baby. It's been hard, but it's been so worth it. We are so grateful to have this little boy here. Sometimes I want to pinch myself, because I can't believe that it really worked out, that we really have a baby. It's been surreal.

Introducing...

Baby G

born August 1st at 7:37 PM

Weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz and 18 1/2 inches long

 

He was born 4 weeks early due to some complications that I was having.

But he is doing great! Never had to spend any time in the NICU. He is the sweetest little guy.

We are all so smitten around here by him, and we are glad he is here safe and sound.

 

I found out last Thursday that I had HELLP syndrome and we needed to have him born that day. So the super short version of the story is that I was induced by having my water broken, started labor 2 hours later, and 3 1/2 hours after that we had our little boy. I was able to have a VBAC and have him without an epidural. Maybe I'll share the long version of the story sometime... still not sure about that! It turned out to be one of the best, most rewarding, yet hardest and scariest experiences of my life. 

 

 

The best part of the story is that I was able to bring my little baby home with me. Something I have longed for and looked forward to for the past four years. It was as wonderful as I hoped it would be.

 

Things might be quiet around here for the next little while as we adjust to this new little guy.

 



35 weeks and an old shed...

My neighbor has the coolest old shed. I love looking at it when I'm out in my yard. It's the perfect shade of green and so worn and old. I love the old windows... I've been wanting to get a family belly shot in front of this shed and was starting to worry that I would have this baby before I got around to it! So on the 24th we had our friends Paul and Michelle up for dinner and we snapped  a few quick pictures in front of the shed. We might have to go back there once the baby is born and take some family pictures in front of it too... I love it that much!

 

This is the shot that I really wanted. Dad, mom with a big belly, and our cute little boy. He was a pretty good sport, but he really doesn't like posing for pictures right now.

He was supposed to be smiling in this one, but he was grossed out by the kissing or something...

Here we are... the boys look great! I look hot, huge, and miserable... but I sort of am. I have forgotten how hard the last few weeks of pregnancy are.

I'm now 35 weeks pregnant. I'm so happy to have made it this far! This pregnancy has been so interesting, there has been so much that has happened that I never expected. There seems to be a bit of drama each week that I just lay in bed at night and think, "did that really happen today?"

After that bout of "preterm who knows what" I'm feeling fine now. I'm still taking it pretty easy, but after next weekend I am planning on walking everyday, taking my raspberry leaf tea, you know... what women who are sick of being pregnant do to try and get the baby out! I know that he will be born when it's best for him and I am totally fine to have him be overdue. I'm sure that after all these shenanigans he probably will be overdue... cause that's just how things usually work out!

We had a crazy week this week... something that I totally wasn't expecting. I went in to see my doctor for my 35 week appointment and she told me that she doesn't think it's a good idea for me to deliver at the hospital I've been planning on delivering at and that she has privileges to. In the past couple of weeks they have put in place certain hospital policies that are going to make it really hard for women like me who want to have a VBAC be able to do that. Basically, unless I have a completely picture perfect labor and delivery, they will most likely make me have another C-section. So this means that at 35-36 weeks pregnant I need to find a doctor who will deliver me at a different hospital about 40 minutes away from where I live so that I can have a fair chance at having a VBAC. Seriously? I've been really upset about this. I love my doctor, I switched to her because she is the VBAC queen and I totally trust her and her techniques to help girls have good, successful vaginal births! But her hands are tied and she is in a really tough position now too. So we have a lot of work to do this next week, finding another great doctor who will take me on this late in my pregnancy so that I can try to have the type of birth that I would like to have. I'm grateful that my doctor has told me this and is helping me out with this... but it really stinks.

I'm just trying to stay calm and remind myself that in a few short weeks, we are going to have a little baby! One way or the other we are going to have a sweet little boy to bring home. We will be thrust into diapers, and nursing, and crazy sleep schedules... and all of this drama will be in the past. I've been trying to prepare myself and make everything happen just so, but I have to remember that I am not in complete control. I can do my best to be prepared, but I have to go with the flow and see how it all works out. The scripture, "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear" keeps running through my head. I have prepared myself as much as I possibly can... I need to relax and let things happen. So now I'm hoping that we are able to get everything arranged and set up with a new doctor before this baby comes! So no baby in the next week, or I might be delivering in a parking lot ;). (I really wouldn't do that... but I don't want to walk into a hospital hoping to have a VBAC and being forced to have a C-section).

Operation "keep the baby cooking" has begun...

Oy... this last week was an interesting one...

Chillin' in labor and delivery... enjoying my Betos salad...

Last week I had two nights where I woke up in the middle of the night having contractions. I've been having Braxton Hicks for a long time, really since about 17 weeks of pregnancy. But they have been getting worse lately. I haven't thought much of it, they are normal right? But it's become every time that I stand up, or am walking around, or bend over to pick something up. So Thursday at about 2 AM I woke up having a contraction. I got up, went to use the loo, and had another contraction on my way to bed. I tried going back to sleep but within a few minutes had another contraction. What in the world is going on? I downloaded a contraction timer to my phone to see if I could see if they were as consistent as I thought they were. They started dying out and went away within an hour and I was able to go back to sleep.

The next night I noticed that I was having pretty consistent contractions at 3 AM. I started timing them, and they were about 3 1/2 minutes apart. Hello! Are you kidding me! I thought about waking Trent up and going into labor and delivery but they weren't painful, and I would have 3 close together and then about a 10 minute break before another one. So they weren't completely consistent. But this lasted the whole night. Finally at around 7:30 AM they started fading away and I was able to get some sleep. But it really scared me.

I called my doctors office when I woke up and they told me to come in and get checked out. So we headed down there. I told my doctor what was up and she pretty much said as long as they go away then they are just practice contractions/Braxton Hicks and not something to get worried about. Then she wanted to do an exam... and changed her tune a little bit.

You were right to trust your intuition and get checked out.

Apparently my cervix is no longer holding up to the weight of the baby. So right now I am 33 weeks and almost completely effaced, and dilated to a 2.

We spent the next few hours having an ultrasound done to make sure that the baby is head down (which he is!) and getting steroid shots to mature the baby's lungs so that if he is born in the next two weeks or so his lungs should be okay. They then had me go get monitored in L & D to make sure that they baby's heart rate was okay and that I wasn't still having regular contractions. Everything was fine, but I am now really, really taking it easy so that we can try to keep this little guy cooking for a bit longer.

This is something that I've been worried about for the whole pregnancy to be honest. Mostly because my doctor in Las Vegas told me that because I have had a few uterine surgeries (D&C's) where my cervix was opened prematurely as well as a preterm baby where my cervix was opened prematurely, that there is a greater chance of my cervix opening up prematurely during pregnancy. I've been  having my doctors check the length of my cervix through this whole pregnancy (via ultrasound) and it has always looked great! I even had my doctor check it two weeks ago because I had been having lots of contractions during the day, and it was totally fine and not effacing yet.

So I don't really know what has suddenly caused my body to start contracting in the middle of the night, but that's just how it's going right now. I have medication that I can take if I start contracting that is supposed to make them stop, but so far I haven't had to take them yet. The goal is to try and keep this baby in until 36 weeks and then if he's born it should be okay.

So strange... I was totally planning on having 7 more weeks to prepare for this baby, and now I feel like it could be any time! I'm not done learning my hypnobabies stuff yet, so I'm nervous that I wont be ready to do that if I have this baby in the next two weeks. There is also lots to be done that I haven't even started thinking about because we've been busy being busy, having a fun summer, and spending this time playing instead of getting ready... because we had so much time!

And I'm worried about him being born too soon. I know that 33 weeks is okay. That there is so much that can be done for preemies and that they do so well now. But it does make me nervous.

Life... is so interesting sometimes isn't it? So now I'm trying to get my house ready and clean, get the baby stuff all ready to go, pack my hospital bag, all while laying on the couch. It's not that easy to do! I'm so grateful for good friends who have stepped up in the last few days and come to my rescue. I have a hard time asking for helping and accepting help, but it seems to be a common theme in my life so I'm just embracing it and grateful for the good people around me.

Pieces...

My friend Michelle's little ladies...

Something interesting that has happened to me in the last few weeks is that I've found myself several times sitting at someones kitchen table. Observing their life while they make dinner, or we just talk. It's so interesting to me to peek into someones life for an afternoon. I've noticed that these short small moments have left an impression on me. Seeing how other's live their lives, care for their children, or cook their dinner. I've been picking up a few pieces from others and trying to follow suit. Such as...

:: A dear old friend that I hadn't seen in a while had me stay for dinner after she let me sort through all her baby clothes that she no longer needed. She then fed me the most amazing dinner. It was mango, black bean, and a red pepper salad on romaine lettuce boats. So simple, so healthy, and amazing. I then watched her four little boys eat the same thing. Stuffing their faces with cherry tomatoes and black beans. I must be missing something here. Not a pack of mac n' cheese in sight. I left feeling refreshed and wanting to do a lot better for my family.

:: Another friend cooked away in her bright orange and blue kitchen. I love how she pulled glass bottles of water out of her fridge, that I know she filled up in the natural spring nearby. It sounds simple, but it doesn't get more refreshing than ice cold spring water in a glass bottle. I think it's been far to long since I made a visit to that spring.

:: Another friend made homemade alfredo and grated her own parmesan cheese. I don't know that I have ever bought actual parmesan cheese that didn't come in a plastic bottle with a green lid. Her children ran around in their unders/diaper happily while mom cooked dinner.

:: Maybe one of my favorites is visiting my friend Michelle and watching our kids chase chickens out in the yard while we make dinner. Every once in a while the kids will come inside with an egg in each hand that they found in the coop to add to the pile in the fridge. She grows a big garden and is a pro at grilling zucchini for dinner that tastes divine.

I love eating with friends... it's the good company, the conversation, and peeking into their life in an intimate way. Seeing how they cook, how they multitask, how they take care of their kids and be mom for a few hours.

 I also love taking pieces of that home with me, to my house. To my family. To make our lives a little more healthy, simple, and enjoyable. It makes me wonder though what someone might take home after sitting at my table for an afternoon. What could I offer my friends without even knowing it? Maybe it's time I followed suit and invited someone to sit at my table for an afternoon...

Brother's day...

Wednesday the 15th marked 4 years since we had baby Clayton. I can't even believe that it's been that long! I forget sometimes how close he and his older brother would have been. Here we are getting ready to send our kiddo to kindergarten this fall and Clayton would have been the next year.

 

I decided a few weeks ago to switch OB's for this pregnancy (more on that later...) and had to change around my big ultrasound day. I think that it was a good sign that I scheduled it on Clayton's birthday and didn't think twice about it. I realized later that day when I went to put it on my calendar. Then I had a little panic set in, should I switch it? Is it weird to go have an ultrasound of your new baby on the day that your last baby died? Sigh... oh well. We were just going to do it! I think it was really nice to have something great happening that day instead of dwelling on the past.

 

Also, at the last minute something important came up that took my sweet husband out of town... so he missed the whole day! I cried a little over that one. I knew that it was just the way that it worked out and there was nothing I could really do about it. But I was sad that he couldn't be there for the ultrasound and to spend the day with us. So we decided to make it a brother's day and do something for all three of these little boys that day!

 

First up... this little dude got to come to the ultrasound with me and see his little brother! He did really well. He is a wild kid, doesn't sit still very well, but he was on his best behavior and did great! The doctor gave him two suckers, one for him and one for his baby brother. He thought that was pretty cool. The baby looks absolutely great! He had his hands in front of his face the whole time so we weren't able to get a super great profile shot. But he is measuring exactly to my due date and is a whole 1 lb 11 oz right now. He's almost double the size that Clayton was when he was born so that made me feel good.

 

 

Then we headed to my boy's favorite spot... the dinosaur park in Ogden. We had a few hours to kill between ultrasound and doctor's appointment due to some scheduling problems, so we went there for a while and explored. He's been begging me to go since we went last summer, but most of it is outside so we needed to wait until it warmed up. He had fun running around seeing all the dino's. And mom got a little camera happy... it was brother's day after all!

 

 



There is a mystery trail there that we hadn't seen before that we wandered down (a few times). I almost hate to say that this mama dinosaur protecting her little babies pulled at my heart strings a little... I blame it on the pregnancy hormones. It turned out to be the boy's favorite part of the park too.

He did not want me to take this picture... he was pretty scared of standing at the mouth of a big dinosaur about to eat him! I let him throw a rock at him before hand to make sure it was really just a statue.

We finished off the day driving down to the cemetery to visit Clayton's grave. We picked up my mom and had her come with us. There was a little storm that blew in and it started to rain a little while we were there. But it was nice to come and see the tangible proof that this boy really did exist for a short time. I don't like coming to the cemetery because is makes me sad to think I have a child buried in the ground. It makes me sad to think about what we've lost and how our lives could have been. I usually only come on his birthday because if his own mother doesn't come then who will? But it felt really good and peaceful there that night. I let the boy pick out some flowers for his grave and he picked three beautiful sunflowers. It felt very fitting since we grew big sunflowers last year. The three were for him, his dad, and me.

As I left the cemetery I felt really warm and peaceful inside. I don't know that I've ever felt Clayton's spirit over the last 4 years, but that night I really felt like he was smiling down on us. I'm in a good place right now. I think that being pregnant again and having this new little life growing inside of me makes all the difference in the world with that. I was told after we had Clayton that the best way to overcome losing a baby like that was to get pregnant and have another baby. I get it now, it really does help heal these wounds to be looking forward to another baby.

As we drove home exhausted from our long, full day we saw a beautiful rainbow covering the Salt Lake Valley. It was a very fitting end of the day and it felt like a little gift...

"And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh." - Genesis 9:14-15

I know this promise is about not flooding the earth again like was done in the times of Noah... but to me it felt like my own little promise. Four years ago a cloud and storm came into my life, and flooded me with so much sorrow and took away my son... but the waters shall no more become a flood and destroy all flesh. He's not going to take away my son again, it's going to be okay. This time, it's going to work out. I felt a lot of peace driving back home, watching the rainbows circling the valley. It was a beautiful ending to a beautiful day filled with reflection and hope.

Three years...

Yesterday was three years since I took my last dose of chemo. I can't believe that it's been that long, but also it feels like it's been a lot longer. I'm very happy with my life right now...

... We are living in a great place, surrounded by trees and flowers, and great neighbors. There are lots of great trails around that we like to take walks on. It's pretty great.
... I have two amazing boys that I get to spend my days with, and one little guy on the way. A dream I didn't know would be possible after this whole cancer ordeal.
... I'm back around my family and my in laws and it's been great to spend more time with them and have our boy play with his cousins again.
... I'm planting my garden for a second year in a row. Something that I had always wanted to do but never really got the chance before last year.
... I've been able to spend time with some of my best friends from forever ago, and am making new friends in our little town here.

Life has moved on from cancer and it's been nice to make new memories and move farther away from this. It's still there, it's a part of who I've become, but I no longer feel like people need to know that I had cancer. If it comes up, it comes up, but it's not a defining part of me.

Life is good. It's not perfect. There are a few things going on in my life right now that make me really sad and have been hard for me to deal with, but that is life sometimes. I'm learning that there are lots of things that are not in my control that I can't fix. One would think I would have learned that already going through cancer in my twenties... but apparently not ;). I just need to focus on being good and loving to others and be grateful for what I have.

Sorry about the horrible editing of this picture... I have no clue what I'm doing. It got bad and I couldn't get it back...

As far as cancer stuff goes... I'm now more than halfway through my remission. I go and see my oncologist every 6 months for blood tests and a physical exam. I'm done for now with CT scans and am suppose to have a chest x-ray this next week. However, with little brother cooking away in there I wont be doing an x-ray until after the baby is born. I check myself periodically for lumps and bump in my neck, armpit, area to see if I find anything... but nothing has come up! I'm super grateful that things are going well with this!

Lets talk about the hair for a minute shall we? I have not cut my hair since I took a picture last year. I think I've trimmed my bangs twice but now I'm letting them grow out too. I desperately need my hair trimmed, but just have been avoiding it. I'm super partial to my hair now and I love that it is getting long again! It's been fun curling it up. I wish the curl would last more than a day but my hair is so fine and blonde, it just doesn't hold curl for more than a day. I use this method to curl my hair and it works great! I've been trying to be better to my hair and have gone from washing it everyday to every other day. The days I don't wash, I curl. I think I want to grow it another 6 inches or so, I've never had hair that long! It's been fun to have my hair long again and it's hard for me to even remember being bald. Don't get me wrong, I remember it, but it just feels like that was so long ago.

So... it's super awkward to take pictures of yourself. I always end up taking a bazillion pictures and hate most of them ;). I just feel super big right now, and I look at pics of me and think, "is that really what I look like?" I finally figured out if I put my arms the way they are above that you can't see my chunky arms... true story. So it's a trick! Ha! Probably didn't fool anyone though! It's for a good cause right? I will hopefully slim back down when I'm breast feeding in 5 short months. That's the best weight loss tool I've ever found for myself, and I'm hoping it works again!

Anyway... here are some of the out-takes of our little photo shoot yesterday...
 

He really is such a cute helper.

Mid-self timer make out session over here (not instigated by me... and yes I still kiss my five year old on the lips).

 

He felt like Michelangelo needed some pictures after we were done, and I was eating my lunch. Fun times!

 

Ground Hog's Day... Meg style...

"Well my dear... there it is. You've popped another subchorionic hemorrhage."

It was the second ultrasound I had with my midwife since discovering I was pregnant. At 5 1/2 weeks I started spotting. Great, after all this waiting and work I'm going to miscarry this baby, I thought. But it came and went... and came again. One thing that I have learned in my experience with bleeding in early pregnancy is that there isn't much that can be done. So instead of rushing in to see what was going on, I waited to see what happened. After a whole week and a half I went in at 7 weeks to see my midwife. At that point I figured I wasn't having a miscarriage but I was worried about having another ectopic. The ultrasound showed that I had one tiny little baby growing in my uterus, no ectopic. But still no sign as to why I was bleeding. My midwife wanted me to come back in a week to check things out and see how the baby was doing. So there I was, at 8 weeks being told the news... another subchorionic hemorrhage.

This is what happened when I was pregnant with Clayton. This is the reason why we lost our second baby. From what I understand it is bleeding that happens between the placenta and the uterine wall. If the bleed or clot gets large enough it can cause the placenta to tear or tear away from the uterine wall. They usually clear up on their own and aren't a big deal. But sometimes they don't heal, they get worse, and can cause major problems. Such as losing a baby.

"You know what this means. No exercise, no heavy lifting, and no sex." She said as she made an X with her fingers. "Be sure to tell your husband." I really wanted my last appointment with my midwife to be different. She no longer follows pregnant patients, just helps them get pregnant and passes them onto someone else. After all, this woman had given us a gift that we were not able to give ourselves. She was able to figure out what we needed to do to have another baby. But all I could think of was how I had already buried a baby because of one of these... and I wasn't able to give her the thanks that she deserved. I couldn't stop looking at the black hole residing right next to my baby.

I've been told many times by multiple doctors that this is something that happens totally randomly. It is not because of the structure of my uterus, or because of anything that I did or didn't do. It just happens sometimes. It's very rare for it to happen in subsequent pregnancies.

I was pretty upset by this news. I understand that it is rare to lose a baby from this. But I've been in that "rare" category before. I went out to the car where my husband was waiting and told him the news. He was quiet for a minute and said, "Well, I guess we should sign up for Netflix again." And that we did ;).

As the snow piled up around my house this winter, I sat inside and hibernated on my couch. Can you believe that in all the snow we got I did not shovel any snow? My poor husband, his winter consisted of working long hours at his job, and then coming home to shovel piles and piles of snow while his wife sat on the couch and watched two seasons of Sister Wives... and then some. It just wasn't worth the risk... nothing was.

Thankfully, my bleeding never got as bad this time as it had with Clayton. I bled until about week 11 and then it stopped. I've now had 5 whole weeks without any spotting or bleeding. With Clayton I started bleeding at 8 weeks and bled until he was born at 21 weeks (sorry if you didn't want to read about bleeding today, I'm trying to keep it tame). I'm feeling very blessed. I'm still not doing anything too strenuous, but I have started going on walks now that the days are so lovely around here. And I'm planning on starting up some prenatal yoga so that I can move my body again.

I sort of feel like I'm living in the twilight zone... or ground hog's day. My due date with this baby is 2 weeks before I was due with Clayton, and then I end up with the same problem that I had with Clayton... and they are both little boys. I feel like I am living through the same situation again. I'm not sure why this has happened the way that it has, but I do know a few things...

 I know that I am thrilled to be pregnant. I'm so excited to be having a little boy. I'm grateful to be at 16 weeks right now and will most likely be holding my breath until this baby gets here. That I will be able to breath, sleep, relax a little better once I make it to 24 weeks which is the time that babies can be viable if they are born at that point. That it is hard to be pregnant again after losing a baby. That every single thing makes me super anxious and doubtful that this is really going to happen. That even though I am overjoyed that this is finally happening for us, I am terrified.

"Everything is going to be okay" was shouted in my dream. I keep repeating that in my head. Half the battle was getting pregnant, but half the battle is also being pregnant. I knew it would be hard to be pregnant again after what happened last time, but I've been a little surprised as to how hard it has been. Things that I haven't thought about in the 4 years that have passed since I was in this situation with Clayton have been brought right to the surface. Hard, scary, terrifying things. But also peace. I felt peace when I had that tiny boy, and I feel peace now. I just don't always understand what peace means, and that scares me (does that even make sense?). Maybe I've needed a year and a half of believing that everything would be okay, set on repeat in my mind, to make it through this time.

So, that's how things have been going. I've been really hesitant to talk about being pregnant because I have had such mixed emotions about it with everything that's been going on. But one thing that my sister in law pointed out to me is that even if things weren't to work out (which they are by the way, they are going to be just fine) I need support from my friends and family. And I am so grateful to have such great support. That after talking about wanting another baby for so long, people are understanding that I am suddenly scared out of my mind.

I have rockstar friends. Seriously, I don't know how I got so lucky. I have awesome girls who are keeping tabs on me and checking up on me all the time who truly get it. And they mean the world to me (if you think I'm talking about YOU then I probably am). And I am grateful to be going through this journey with each of them as they show me what support, patience, friendship, and love really means.

And the payoff is going to be when after four crazy hard years, we are all going to meet a miracle boy who is going to finally be in my arms, and fill this hole in my heart.

Everything is going to be okay...

White daisies...

When I was a senior in high school I was competing to be the Sterling Scholar in Dance at my school. It was between me and one other girl, and I really wanted to win this. I started thinking about this when I was a sophomore and wanted it so badly. I worked hard on my application, I choreographed my solo routine, this was what I had wanted more than anything at that time in my life. It would look great on my college applications. It would be a complete honor to me to have been chosen and receive this scholarship.

The girl that I was competing against for this was either my good friend or my arch nemeses (it really depended on the day). We were neck in neck so to speak as to who would win the award. We were both on Dance Company, Drill Team, and had danced together for all of our high school days. I remember that I was sitting in my English class when the intercom squeaked on and they were going to announce to the school all of the Sterling Scholar winners for that year.

My name was not called.

I lost. I was not chosen to be the dance Sterling Scholar.

I found out later that the judges were having a hard time deciding who to give the award to. What their final decision came down to was that her GPA was 0.01 points higher than mine. So she won.

I was devastated. I had worked so hard and long for this. I felt like I deserved this award. I sat there in class trying to hold myself together as I felt the pain of the loss. The bell rang and it was lunch time. I knew that once lunch ended the next class was dance and I would have to face her... the girl who had won what I had wanted so badly.

I thought about what I should do. Should I get in my car and drive home and avoid her all together? Should I go but ignore her and be smug? Or should I congratulate her?

I didn't go to lunch that day. Instead I walked across the street to the grocery store and I bought a bouquet of white daisies. I came back to school and I found her sitting by her locker eating lunch. I gave her the flowers and a big hug and told her congratulations. It hurt. I was very happy for her but very sad for me that I was not the one chosen for this. I felt (a little bit) better after this. I was grateful that even though I was so upset about losing, that I was able to think of her and to congratulate her and celebrate her victory with her, even though it was hard for me.

That was 12 years ago. In my adult life I have found that there have been many situations where I've needed to give hugs and congratulations and pass out some white daisies so to speak. Times where I have longed for something so badly, but it doesn't happen for me.

I found myself this week in yet another situation... where it was necessary to put on a smile, say congratulations, give a hug (and an imaginary bouquet of white daisies) and then go along my way. It hurts. It never gets easier, but I know that it is necessary. I gave my congratulations and hug to my dear friend who knew that what she had just told me was a shock and must have hurt. It was a shock to her as well, something that she was not planning either. "Thanks for being brave, I'm trying to be brave too, " she said as our parting words.

As I got into my car I let myself feel the pain. I try to hold it together in front of people but I never deny myself the right to work through my emotions when I feel them. I offered up a prayer of sorts to my Heavenly Father,  Why? Really? Is this some kind of a joke? Why her and not me? Why never me?

As soon as I had offered up the prayer I received my answer. It wasn't the answer that I was expecting, rather it was the answer to a prayer that I had uttered 12 years before.

Why her Heavenly Father? Why not me? I worked so hard for this! Why not me?

This is why. This is why she won and not you.

I had not thought of this situation in years and years yet suddenly it was fresh in my mind. Life moved on from high school and it really didn't matter that I was not chosen to be the Sterling Scholar for Dance. Or did it?

It suddenly made perfect sense to me. This is why I was not chosen for that award. My life has gone in a way that there have been many opportunities where I have had to be told no. Not now. Nope. It's not your turn. And pass out bouquet after bouquet of daisies. I needed to learn back then how to be this type of person. How to be happy for others even when they have what you long to have. This is why.

I was suddenly filled with gratitude for not winning the scholarship I so longed for in high school. I realized that I had won a far greater prize, I had learned a lesson that day at lunch time in a crowded hallway with a simple bouquet of daisies that I have had to use over and over again. Had I won that award, it would have really done nothing that remarkable for my adult life.

But not winning, has made all the difference in the world.

Post written November 2012

I resolve...

to not make any resolutions this year...



WHAT!?!?!?

This is so not like me, to not make any resolutions. I love setting goals, making resolutions, checking things off my to do list, trying to accomplish everything and anything.

Turns out I'm still sort of burned out from the list I made from last year.

The more I think about my life right now and the things that I want to accomplish in life the more I realized that I need to learn to be content with who I am and where I am right now. Not always trying to make things better, make myself better, make my surrounding better, my life better. But to just accept who I am right this second and realize that I don't have to do anything great and wonderful to be of worth. That I don't have to set up unrealistic expectations of myself and then push myself to finish them. I just sort of want to be right now...

So I guess that is my resolution, to not make a resolution. To let January start and not jump on whatever horse I think I should be riding at the time. But to just wake up each morning and breath. Enjoy my boys, enjoy my days, and let them form themselves into whatever they have in store for me. To not rule my life by deadlines or expectations. But to just be happy with who I am and what I have right now. To not always be looking to finish a project or a deadline because I think that's what I'm suppose to do.

Ahhh... I feel better already.

I don't have a great link for this picture. Sorry. I found it here.

Heal me...

A few days ago we took an emergency trip up the canyon. By emergency I mean... emergency. I was loosing it. I needed to breath, I needed to get away for a minute. I needed to escape reality and do something that makes me feel alive. So my wise and well seasoned (in my craziness) husband who was driving the car headed for my favorite canyon so that our little family could walk in the trees for a while.

It's been a rough two weeks over in our neck of the woods. I've been debating whether or not to share this on my blog... I still don't know if I should or not, because this is so personal. But those of you who know me best know that I am an open book... and mostly because so many of you know that we've been trying to have another baby and also know that we've started getting some help with that and have been asking me how it's going.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy. I was completely shocked.
 I had a normal period two weeks before. Completely normal. So normal that I took my clomid prescription to the pharmacy and started my first dose of fertility meds. Never even beginning to suspect that I was already pregnant. Two weeks later after some funny stuff happening (I wont go into detail there) a blood test confirmed that I was pregnant. About 5-6 weeks pregnant at that.

Excuse me? Really? How on earth...

It's been a long two weeks of blood tests, four ultrasounds, etc etc to try and figure out what's going on here. Thankfully (did I really just say that?) the pregnancy miscarried itself. I don't need surgery, or even a shot of chemotherapy to terminate the pregnancy (yes, that is really how they terminate ectopic pregnancies most of the time... you can imagine how I feel about that). It just did it on it's own. Blessing? I've been having my blood tested a few times a week to be sure that my HCG count keeps going down. I have to keep doing this until it reaches 0. Today it's 26... so hopefully this part will be over soon.

On top of having the ectopic pregnancy I've had some bad consequences from taking Clomid. I had a rare reaction to the clomid called Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. I currently have three cysts on my right ovary that are doubling in size every week. Just to put this in perspective, a normal healthy ovary is about 3 cm to 5 cm. Between the three cysts I have about 16-18 cm worth of cysts on my ovary, the largest one as of Tuesday was 8 cm. We are just keeping an eye on these via ultrasound. I'm suppose to be taking it easy (but not too easy, not bed rest... but I probably shouldn't be hiking either... whoops) until these start to clear up, but there is no sign of that happening any time soon.

So ectopic pregnancy. Check. Ovary the size of a large grapefruit and still growing. Check. Depressing outlook on future possible pregnancies. Check.

I was also officially diagnosed with PCOS, which is probably why I've been having a hard time getting pregnant in the first place and why I ended up with the hyperstimulation problem. But because of my reaction to clomid I can no longer take that fertility drug ever again. I'm also not a candidate for any injectable fertility drugs, or IVF to try and get pregnant. Usually they see hyperstimulation syndrome with people who have been taking injectable drugs with IVF. It's super rare to have this happen with oral clomid (lucky me). So for me to take anything stronger would have very bad consequences to my poor ovaries.

In the end, I'm ticked off. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm mostly mad. I wish this wouldn't have happened at all. I really didn't want to have an ectopic pregnancy on my already messed up fertility record. That's a big strike against future fertility. And learning that I can not do future fertility treatments is a big bummer for a girl who has a hard time getting pregnant.

I keep thinking that my boy needs to have some siblings. My husband who comes from a large family and loves kids needs to be able to have more kids. These thoughts really put a lot of pressure on me to make this happen for my family. But I can't make this happen, I can't make myself have a baby. But maybe we don't need to have lots of kids to have a happy, wonderful family life. Maybe what we really need is a happy and healthy mom/wife on board.

Our hike was so healing for me. My poor attitude turned completely around and I ended up having a lovely and wonderful day with these two boys. We can weather any storm together. But I need to get my head on straight here and dive deep into practicing some serious self love for this body that seems to struggle so much sometimes.

So that is the new game plan. Get Meg's body healthy through lots and lots of self love so that I can heal. Not to try and "get pregnant," cause that went so well after all. To me self love means eating healthy, getting sleep, destressing my life as much as possible, laughing with my boys, surrounding myself with good positive people who help me feel good about myself, and spending lots and lots of time with the trees... cause that's been proven to be the best drug around for me. (Any other suggestions on how I can spoil myself right now in self love would be appreciated).

I really don't know why I'm putting all this out there. But here it is. Please don't feel bad for me. You can feel bad for my ovary if you want because geez that thing is not happy right now. I guess I just wanted people in my life to know what was going on. I can't feel sorry for myself for too long because, well.... see for yourself.

 With this charming little boy to keep me running all day long I have a hard time not counting my blessings at some point in the day. I am truly, truly blessed to have these boys and am thankful that they put up with all my little shenanigans.

Lake Mary...

 #1 on my list was to hike to Lake Mary. This lake/hike means a lot to me. I have so many good memories there. 10 years ago I worked as a counselor at Brighton LDS Girls Camp. Every week we were to take our campers on a hike. Every week that summer I chose Lake Mary (there are several hikes in the Brighton area but this was my favorite one). The last week I had campers that summer I wanted a change of scenery, I wanted to go on a different hike. But when the morning came to assign hikes, I was forced to hike to Lake Mary. My directors assigned my hike LAST, and Lake Mary was the only open hike left. I was so upset I cried a bit. Totally frustrated. What I didn't know (that they all did) was that my sweet boyfriend was waiting by the dam of Lake Mary to ask me to marry him.

It makes me happy that I was able to spend that special day with so many friends that I had made at camp. The memory of this hike is so fresh in my mind. Standing in front of the dam and seeing Trent with a bouquet of flowers... It was pretty great.

So here we are, 10 years later, standing in front of the Lake Mary dam, where this whole thing started.

To be totally honest, the day we did this hike last week was a rough day. We'd been arguing all day about something. The day was really tense. We weren't super happy with each other. I hate days like this. We've been married nearly 10 years and still argue, still don't agree on everything, still have some rough days every once in a while. In an effort to save the day I suggested that we go on this hike at 4 PM, so we did. We hiked in silence most of the time. Letting the trees and birds and mountain breeze slowly work over us. I thought over our years of marriage, especially the past few that have been so hard, and was reminded of the little 18 year old girl who fell in love with this 22 year old boy. Sometimes I need to focus on just us, and not all the rubbish that creeps into our lives and gets in our way of really enjoying each other.

And how we have this sweet little guy to hike along this life with us. We are so blessed.

We saw two big bull moose by the lake, eating dinner. Such beautiful creatures!

I love this beautiful mountain lake. I wish I could live up here. We had the lake to ourselves in the early evening sunlight. It was such a healing hike for me in so many ways. this is the first real hike that I've done since finishing chemo. I keep getting better and better and that is so nice! I think it was healing for our relationship to go on this hike together, even on a bad day, reminding us of our beginning and our commitment to our relationship and life together. I think all couples need that reminder every once in a while. I can't wait to get back up there someday!

Night in the desert...

Beautiful blue skies

Cows in every shade of brown imaginable

Quenching their thirst in the desert

Colorful Philly cheese steak sandwiches with orange and yellow peppers

Dutch oven style of course

Good friends

Good conversation

Perfect evening