Outdoor tub...

I was talking to some friends the other day about living in a remote place... away from neighbors and paved roads. This idea is so appealing to me, possibly for no other reason than I could have an outdoor tub!

This is on the short list of things I would like in my future home. I do realize that in order to do this we really would have to live away from civilization. Or at least have a ton of trees and some privacy screens. But I love the idea of having a tub outside. Soaking in the tub is one of my favorite things to do, and I think it would only enhance the experience to do it outside, under the stars, with the wind blowing by...

And no, this is not the same as having a hot tub. Not at all. First of all chlorine... yuck! And it's just a different experience to be in a hot tub as opposed to a regular tub.

Yes, I realize this might not be super realistic... but oh I'm hopeful! Anyone out there have any dreams for your living space that might seem a little different?

And no you can't be my neighbor!!! (just kidding...)


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The hotel room...

About 1 1/2 years ago I had a dream... This dream came just after I had my one year post chemo appointment with my oncologist. I had one question on my mind that I had been scared to ask for a while... when would I be able to try and have more babies? My husband and son were in the room with me when I asked him this question that had been burning in my mind. He took a look at my boy and said, "He needs siblings doesn't he? Your scan was clean, there is no need to wait anymore."

We were elated and planned to start with my next cycle. Before that happened is when I had a dream that left a big impression on me. 

I was in what I thought was a hotel room. It was a place that I didn't recognize, and it was small. There was a living area with a couch and a bedroom behind it. On the opposite side of the rooms there was a small kitchen and a bathroom. In this dream I walked though the living area and past the kitchen into the bathroom. There was a small mirrored cabinet above the sink that I opened and pulled out a pregnancy test. The test was positive. As soon as I registered what this meant I heard a loud, booming voice say, "Everything is going to be alright." The voice was so loud that I woke up startled. 5 AM.

I'm going to find out I'm pregnant when I'm in a hotel room, I thought... and for some reason, I need to know that everything is going to be okay. Why would I need to know right off the bat that everything was going to be okay? What was going to happen?

Month after month went by. No positive tests, and no hotel rooms. We had a family camp out and my sister in law had stayed in a hotel with her twin boys. I stopped by there on my way out to take a shower before driving home. But it wasn't the right time of the month, and the layout was all wrong. This was not my hotel room.

Then we moved back to Utah. I thought we might get a hotel room on our way back to Utah but we ended up doing the whole drive in one day. No hotel.

One weekend about 10 months after this dream... Trent's grandma told us that she had reserved a condo down in St. George that was not going to be occupied for a week. We decided to go down with Trent's sister and her kids for a little getaway. I knew this was finally going to be it! I was 5 days late for my period. I was never on time... but 5 days late was a lot. It was a time-share condo that was sure to have a living area and a small kitchen. I truly believed that this was going to be "the hotel" that I had seen in my dream. I was eager the whole drive to see what awaited me when we got there.

We walked in the door... living area, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom. This was going to be it! I just knew it! That is until 10 minutes after we got there, "it" happened. I was devastated. So disappointed.This perfect hotel room was not my hotel.

I started to second guess this dream. Was it really a premonition as to what was to come? Or was it just a stupid dream? A dream that meant nothing. I started to really hate this dream. It haunted me. I thought about writing down every little last detail that I could remember and light the paper on fire. Watch it burn to ashes and disappear so that it would go away. But I couldn't. It was the only thing that I had that led me to believe that someday I would find out I was going to have a baby. Even if it did turn out to be a stupid dream that meant nothing, it was all I had to hold onto at times.

One year after I had the dream we moved, into a tiny little pioneer house. One day I walked through the living room, past the kitchen and into the bathroom to get something out of the old medicine cabinet. Then it hit me, like deja vu. This was the hotel room. This is what I had seen in my dream. I hadn't recognized it before, and it was such a small area I was sure that it was a hotel. But it was this house. This told me a few things. One, that we were right where we needed to be at this time in our lives... and two, that I would find out I was pregnant while living in this house.

The day was December 24th. I woke up early to get ready to meet two of my best friends from high school for our traditional Christmas Eve breakfast. The boys were both asleep. I was 3 days late after one month of trying a new to me fertility medication, among other things to try and get pregnant. Surely it was way too soon to test for pregnancy, but I had a spare test tucked away... why not? I took the test and then put it up in the medicine cabinet in case one of the boys woke up and came into the bathroom and saw it. I was too nervous to look at it, so I went into my room to finish getting dressed. Then I walked through the living room, past the kitchen, into the bathroom... and opened the medicine cabinet.

There it was. The faintest little pink line. It had worked! I was pregnant. The best Christmas present I could have ever dreamed of.

There was no loud, booming voice... telling me that everything was going to be okay. But I didn't need the voice, I already knew that this too was part of the message. The dream had really become a reality, and I felt peace believing that whatever was going to happen in the next few months... everything was going to be okay.

But what was it? What was going to happen that I needed to know for the last 1 1/2 years, that everything was going to be okay?

It was only a week and a half of pregnancy bliss until I started to understand what this message meant...

It was just a dream...

About four years ago, just after I had my first son, I had a very impressive dream. In this dream I was attending my best friend C's wedding. We stood next to each other with our arms wrapped around each other's backs, getting our picture taken. She was wearing her beautiful white wedding gown and I had a rather large pregnant belly. The dream was so clear and so vivid I truly believed it was a premonition.

I called C the next morning and said, "It's going to happen! You are going to get married when I'm pregnant with my next baby. It's going to happen for both of us!" I was so sure that the timing of these two life altering events were going to line up so perfectly. My friend C has been through a lot in her life. I have admired her for years, but never as much as I have these last 6 1/2 that she has been a strong single mom to her beautiful little girl, waiting a hoping to meet Mr. Wonderful to share her life with.

When I became pregnant with little Clayton a year later I announced my pregnancy to her by saying, "Well, looks like you have about 6 months to get married to (current boyfriend)." She did not think that was going to happen, and sure enough it didn't. And I didn't bring home a baby either. The timing wasn't right.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer, and felt so bad to tack a few more years onto her upcoming marriage and my next baby. I was sorry, but the timing wasn't going to work out for a while.

Then the first day of 2012 came around and I got the most wonderful phone call. My friend C was engaged to the most wonderful man. She had finally found her Mr. Wonderful. I was so excited for her! She ended the conversation saying, "Looks like you have 8 months to make a baby!" I was sure it was going to happen, and felt so much hope that things were finally working out for both of us.

My friend C is getting married in a few short days. And it will be one of the happiest days in my life (and hers I'm sure). But I will not be pregnant at her wedding. Not even a little bit. No chance... at all.

Turns out... it was really just a dream.

Not a premonition. Not a vision of our lives a few years in the future. It was just a dream.

A dream that for years I have clung to for hope. A dream that I have thought about so many times, how could it not be real? A dream that got me through so many hard times when I wanted to give up any sort of hope of having another child. It wasn't real.

I'm grateful for that dream. That somewhere in my subconsciousness I've longed for these wonderful things to take place in my life and her life. I'm grateful that something was there to give me hope.

So in a few days I'm going to wear a darling polka dot dress with my bright red lips and celebrate my beautiful friend and her new husband. And then I will find something else to give me hope.