My own bouquet...

I've been overwhelmed at how truly amazing people have been since we had our baby. We have been poured upon with presents, dinners, service... it has been a beautiful thing to feel so loved by so many people around us. I've just been amazed as to how giving and loving people are. We've been really blessed, and it has been so nice to be able to sit back and take care of my baby while other people have helped take care of us.

I wanted to share this sweet card that I got from my cousin after we had the baby. Sometimes the gifts that touch our hearts the most are the ones that are so simple, yet hold so much meaning. She gave me this little tiny picture...

Once upon a time I poured my heart into this post about white daisies and the meaning that they have to me. She said that she thought about getting me a bouquet of daisies but she wanted to give me one that would last. I cherish this little card of white daisies. The thing I have longed for the most for so many years is finally in my arms.

I've been on a super emotional roller coaster ride this last month. The lack of sleep, the not feeling well, recovering from the birth, and then the realization that I really do have a baby. It's been hard, but it's been so worth it. We are so grateful to have this little boy here. Sometimes I want to pinch myself, because I can't believe that it really worked out, that we really have a baby. It's been surreal.

How many pills does it take to make a baby?

I've had quite a few people ask me about the diet that I followed to try and get pregnant. I really believe that eating a low glycemic diet helped us to make this happen. I felt the results of it within the first week and saw some dramatic changes in my mood, monthly cycle, and energy levels in the three months that I ate completely that way. But that is not all we did to try and conceive. We sort of tried a whole bunch of things at once, so I am not exactly sure what it was that made this happen for us, or if it was a mixture of all of it. All I know is that for me, it worked, and it worked fast once we got our ducks in a row.

I want to share what we did to try and make a baby for a few reasons. One is so that in the future when we try to get pregnant again I can remember what we did. Also, in case this information can help anyone out there that is trying to have a baby and suffering from infertility. I know that the title of this post is ridiculous. I'm sure that many of who read that though, "Ummm... I don't have to take any pills to make a baby!" While there are others of you who though, "It doesn't matter how many pills I take, I'm still not going to be able to make a baby." We are all different, our bodies are different. Our plans for our family are different and our trials and successes in life are different. There is no one way to do things, and sometimes things work and sometimes they don't.

*** This is a really long, detailed post with lots of links, etc. Please don't feel like you have to read the whole thing if you are not interested ;). 

For me... I have PCOS. I feel it was key for me to meet up with a health professional that understood that. I also think that there are different stages of PCOS. For some I think it might be more mild than for others, and I do think that my case is probably more mild than others because I have gotten pregnant five times before. One of my young women leaders growing up has PCOS and was not able to conceive any children, and has adopted 4 adorable kids, and that is how they grew their family. But I also know that so many times we hear people go get help for infertility and they say, "I was told that I have unexplained infertility... they can't tell what's wrong with me... we've tried everything... my only option is IVF." That is why it took me so long to go in and get checked out. I'm sharing this because I am grateful and happy to be a success story, the things we tried did work. And I hope that in whatever stage of baby making you are in that you are able to find the miracle that works for you. 

So here is my fertility story and what we did to make a baby...

First off, I did try to do natural methods to conceive before going to a doctors office for help. I knew that my hormones were off and I tried to take an herb called Vitex to regulate my cycles. This did help me regulate my cycles for the most part, but I wasn't getting pregnant taking this. I've also tried Fertility Blend which is a combination of different herbs and vitamins (this also has vitex in it) to boost fertility. I was taking this when I got pregnant with my first son, but didn't take it this time around... instead I just tried the Vitex.

I decided to go and see a doctor to get some help after we had been trying for 14 months with no luck. I met with a nurse practitioner and told her that I had been told in the past that I had PCOS and thought that could be why I wasn't getting pregnant. She did a quick ultrasound of my ovaries and said that everything looked great and she didn't think that I had PCOS. She sent me out the door with a prescription for Clomid and told me to come back in on the 12th day of my next cycle for a follicle check. She also did a blood test called a FSH test to see if my ovaries were functioning normally after going through chemo, and they were.

This is where I feel the stars aligned for me and I was able to meet with someone who could truly help me. The day I needed to have my follicle check done this nurse practitioner was on vacation, and I met with the nurse midwife they had at the center instead. I knew immediately that she was going to be able to help me. She instantly recognized the signs of PCOS on my ovaries from the "pearl necklace" affect that was there. That is where there are cysts that surround the ovary resembling a string of pearls. I also had many of the symptoms such as acne, weight gain, irregular cycles. I felt a great connection to this woman and I knew that she would do what she could to try and help us, and she was very confident that she could.

That's when things got a little crazy and I found out a week later that I had an ectopic pregnancy with my right ovary blowing up to the size of a grapefruit. We took a break and I got back on birth control pills for 2 months so that my ovary could heal and shrink back down to normal. Then the game was on and we got to work...

1. When my ovary looked OK again she first had me start taking Metformin which is a medication for people with type II diabetes. They have linked PCOS to problems with insulin resistance and have found that they have better conception rates for women with PCOS when they take Metformin. I started taking this twice a day and am still taking it. I plan on taking it until just before I deliver the baby because it reduces the risk of gestational diabetes, reduces the risk of miscarriage in women, and will hopefully help me to not have a huge baby since my first one was over 9 lbs (another sign of a PCOS mom). The side affects were bad for the first few weeks (digestion problems...) but my body is used to it now. I completely attribute not having gained as much weight this time around to taking Metformin.

2. This is when I also started eating a low glycemic diet. Basically no sugar, no white bread, no wheat bread, no rice. I could eat oatmeal, corn meal, and spelt flour for my carbs. Within one month of taking Metformin and eating this diet I had a completely normal 28 day cycle for the first time I can even remember. I do believe that these two things were able to stabilize my hormone problems so that I could ovulate and conceive.

3. During this month of hormone stabilization as she called it, I had a test done called a Hysterosalpingogram or HSG test. Basically they put a catheter up inside of your uterus and shoot some saline up there and look at your uterus and fallopian tubes under an ultrasound to see if there are any blockages to your tubes or scar tissue in your uterus that would prevent a pregnancy. It was a quick, in office procedure... that hurt like HELL!!! I didn't realize that it was going to be so painful. The doctor who performed the test told me just before it happened that it would be quite painful... but just for a minute. Whatever. I was in pain for days. I am not a screamer so to speak and I screamed right there in the office. It was right up there with a bone marrow biopsy on the pain scale. I just wish that I had talked to someone who had done this before so that I would have been a little more prepared for that. I was fully expecting to have some tube blockages or damage to my uterus from the different D&C's and C-section I've had done, but everything looked great! There was no sign of anything abnormal. They say that you are more fertile after having this procedure done because it cleans out your reproductive system and clears out your tubes.

4. When my cycle started after the HSG was done I took a fertility drug called Femara. Because of what happened when I took Clomid (which is the normal, go to fertility drug), I am no longer able to take Clomid or any injectable fertility drugs. The chances of having hyperstimulation syndrome again are so high I would most likely cause great damage to my ovaries to the point that I could lose them. Femara was really my only option at this point. Femara is actually a drug that they use to treat breast cancer in patients who are past menopause. My midwife assured me that it works completely differently than Clomid and I would not have the same problems that I did with that. She also said that this drug works really well with women who have PCOS. I took it for 5 days to stimulate ovulation and went in on day 12 for another follicle check to see if I would be ovulating. I did not have any strange side affects from taking this drug. I know people talk about how crazy and emotional fertility drugs make them... that was not the case for me. I felt completely normal.

***A little side story here. This is a shot of my one perfect little follicle that was seen at that appointment. My midwife said she really felt like this was going to work and that I would be getting pregnant this round. I told her that I couldn't go there, I couldn't get my hopes up for this yet. I've had so many big disappointments in life, I just couldn't go there and get crushed if it didn't happen. But when she left the room to write out a prescription I snapped a little picture of this perfect follicle with my phone. I guess this was my little way of showing an inkling of hope. So this picture is half of the baby that is growing inside of me, before it met up with my husbands half...

5. On day 19 of this cycle I started to take Progesterone and a baby aspirin every day. The progesterone is said that help your uterus in the lutal phase of pregnancy when the egg is implanting. It is explained pretty well here. I don't know that I have a lutal phase defect and if that is why I've had miscarriages or any other fertility problems, but my midwife was insistent that I take it. Once I found out I was pregnant we upped my dose to twice a day until I was 14 weeks pregnant. This drug made me really dizzy, tired, loopy. It was awful! But if it helped me to maintain this pregnancy then it was worth it. I also took a baby aspirin everyday and will continue to take this throughout the pregnancy. Studies have made a connection to lower miscarriage rates when women take a low dose of aspirin everyday. Also, I felt like this was a bit of a shot in the dark and we don't know if I really need this... but are doing it anyway just in case.

6. Have sex with your husband. Really? I still had to do that even with all of this? Ha!!! I have to say that was stressful. Having all of this going on really does put the pressure in the love making department. I'm grateful to have such a supportive partner who stood by my side through this crazy ride... and that even though I was sure we missed our window of opportunity because of his crazy work schedule we somehow made it happen. I think that doing fertility treatments kills the romance in baby making... enough said about that.

I started step one of this the end of October and had a positive pregnancy test on December 24th, so we got pregnant the first month that we tried all of this. Like I said, we did a lot of things all at once so I'm not sure which part of this is what really worked or if it was a combination of everything. Also, three of these drugs (Metformin, progesterone, and baby aspirin) are said to prevent miscarriage which is why I am still taking these or took them for a while.

I'm still a very firm believer that God sends his children down when it's their time to come. I wrote a post a long time ago about this and I still believe strongly that we are in very little control in all of this. With that being said, I also believe that there is knowledge and technology on earth today that is to help us. The way that everything worked out for me, meeting up with my midwife the way that I did, having to take a break for my hormones to get in order, miraculously getting a prescription for Femara by the doctor who had done my HSG before Thanksgiving weekend which turned out to be the exact time that I needed to take it and the office was closed for 4 days... yes I do believe this whole process what orchestrated in a way that was beyond my control, and exactly what I needed. All of this was done with lots and lots of prayer. I put off seeking help for a long time because I felt like when God was ready to send a baby to our family then he would! But I've come to realize that sometimes God has us go through different experiences to teach us things, to show us his grace and truly put our trust in him, and for us to go through different experiences. I don't think that by getting help with physical limitations we are "playing God". I think we are taping into the resources that God has given to us in this day and age, and am so grateful for that.

I hope that if you are struggling with infertility that this can give you some hope to keep searching for your own private miracle. Keep seeking to build your family, because family is important. Be open to whatever road your journey takes you whether it be fertility treatments, adoption, surrogacy... it is a different journey for each of us, and I truly hope that you can find the answers that you search for.

The hotel room...

About 1 1/2 years ago I had a dream... This dream came just after I had my one year post chemo appointment with my oncologist. I had one question on my mind that I had been scared to ask for a while... when would I be able to try and have more babies? My husband and son were in the room with me when I asked him this question that had been burning in my mind. He took a look at my boy and said, "He needs siblings doesn't he? Your scan was clean, there is no need to wait anymore."

We were elated and planned to start with my next cycle. Before that happened is when I had a dream that left a big impression on me. 

I was in what I thought was a hotel room. It was a place that I didn't recognize, and it was small. There was a living area with a couch and a bedroom behind it. On the opposite side of the rooms there was a small kitchen and a bathroom. In this dream I walked though the living area and past the kitchen into the bathroom. There was a small mirrored cabinet above the sink that I opened and pulled out a pregnancy test. The test was positive. As soon as I registered what this meant I heard a loud, booming voice say, "Everything is going to be alright." The voice was so loud that I woke up startled. 5 AM.

I'm going to find out I'm pregnant when I'm in a hotel room, I thought... and for some reason, I need to know that everything is going to be okay. Why would I need to know right off the bat that everything was going to be okay? What was going to happen?

Month after month went by. No positive tests, and no hotel rooms. We had a family camp out and my sister in law had stayed in a hotel with her twin boys. I stopped by there on my way out to take a shower before driving home. But it wasn't the right time of the month, and the layout was all wrong. This was not my hotel room.

Then we moved back to Utah. I thought we might get a hotel room on our way back to Utah but we ended up doing the whole drive in one day. No hotel.

One weekend about 10 months after this dream... Trent's grandma told us that she had reserved a condo down in St. George that was not going to be occupied for a week. We decided to go down with Trent's sister and her kids for a little getaway. I knew this was finally going to be it! I was 5 days late for my period. I was never on time... but 5 days late was a lot. It was a time-share condo that was sure to have a living area and a small kitchen. I truly believed that this was going to be "the hotel" that I had seen in my dream. I was eager the whole drive to see what awaited me when we got there.

We walked in the door... living area, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom. This was going to be it! I just knew it! That is until 10 minutes after we got there, "it" happened. I was devastated. So disappointed.This perfect hotel room was not my hotel.

I started to second guess this dream. Was it really a premonition as to what was to come? Or was it just a stupid dream? A dream that meant nothing. I started to really hate this dream. It haunted me. I thought about writing down every little last detail that I could remember and light the paper on fire. Watch it burn to ashes and disappear so that it would go away. But I couldn't. It was the only thing that I had that led me to believe that someday I would find out I was going to have a baby. Even if it did turn out to be a stupid dream that meant nothing, it was all I had to hold onto at times.

One year after I had the dream we moved, into a tiny little pioneer house. One day I walked through the living room, past the kitchen and into the bathroom to get something out of the old medicine cabinet. Then it hit me, like deja vu. This was the hotel room. This is what I had seen in my dream. I hadn't recognized it before, and it was such a small area I was sure that it was a hotel. But it was this house. This told me a few things. One, that we were right where we needed to be at this time in our lives... and two, that I would find out I was pregnant while living in this house.

The day was December 24th. I woke up early to get ready to meet two of my best friends from high school for our traditional Christmas Eve breakfast. The boys were both asleep. I was 3 days late after one month of trying a new to me fertility medication, among other things to try and get pregnant. Surely it was way too soon to test for pregnancy, but I had a spare test tucked away... why not? I took the test and then put it up in the medicine cabinet in case one of the boys woke up and came into the bathroom and saw it. I was too nervous to look at it, so I went into my room to finish getting dressed. Then I walked through the living room, past the kitchen, into the bathroom... and opened the medicine cabinet.

There it was. The faintest little pink line. It had worked! I was pregnant. The best Christmas present I could have ever dreamed of.

There was no loud, booming voice... telling me that everything was going to be okay. But I didn't need the voice, I already knew that this too was part of the message. The dream had really become a reality, and I felt peace believing that whatever was going to happen in the next few months... everything was going to be okay.

But what was it? What was going to happen that I needed to know for the last 1 1/2 years, that everything was going to be okay?

It was only a week and a half of pregnancy bliss until I started to understand what this message meant...

It was just a dream...

About four years ago, just after I had my first son, I had a very impressive dream. In this dream I was attending my best friend C's wedding. We stood next to each other with our arms wrapped around each other's backs, getting our picture taken. She was wearing her beautiful white wedding gown and I had a rather large pregnant belly. The dream was so clear and so vivid I truly believed it was a premonition.

I called C the next morning and said, "It's going to happen! You are going to get married when I'm pregnant with my next baby. It's going to happen for both of us!" I was so sure that the timing of these two life altering events were going to line up so perfectly. My friend C has been through a lot in her life. I have admired her for years, but never as much as I have these last 6 1/2 that she has been a strong single mom to her beautiful little girl, waiting a hoping to meet Mr. Wonderful to share her life with.

When I became pregnant with little Clayton a year later I announced my pregnancy to her by saying, "Well, looks like you have about 6 months to get married to (current boyfriend)." She did not think that was going to happen, and sure enough it didn't. And I didn't bring home a baby either. The timing wasn't right.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer, and felt so bad to tack a few more years onto her upcoming marriage and my next baby. I was sorry, but the timing wasn't going to work out for a while.

Then the first day of 2012 came around and I got the most wonderful phone call. My friend C was engaged to the most wonderful man. She had finally found her Mr. Wonderful. I was so excited for her! She ended the conversation saying, "Looks like you have 8 months to make a baby!" I was sure it was going to happen, and felt so much hope that things were finally working out for both of us.

My friend C is getting married in a few short days. And it will be one of the happiest days in my life (and hers I'm sure). But I will not be pregnant at her wedding. Not even a little bit. No chance... at all.

Turns out... it was really just a dream.

Not a premonition. Not a vision of our lives a few years in the future. It was just a dream.

A dream that for years I have clung to for hope. A dream that I have thought about so many times, how could it not be real? A dream that got me through so many hard times when I wanted to give up any sort of hope of having another child. It wasn't real.

I'm grateful for that dream. That somewhere in my subconsciousness I've longed for these wonderful things to take place in my life and her life. I'm grateful that something was there to give me hope.

So in a few days I'm going to wear a darling polka dot dress with my bright red lips and celebrate my beautiful friend and her new husband. And then I will find something else to give me hope.