It all started with a pumpkin hat...

Five years ago when Blue was one year old, I got this crazy idea that my boy needed a pumpkin hat to wear for Halloween. Not just any pumpkin hat, but one knit lovingly by his mama. I had no clue how to knit, but this desire for a pumpkin hat is what got me started. I bought a "teach yourself to knit" book, and spent lots of time on you tube, and managed to make a pumpkin hat for Blue to wear to our church party.

Not too bad for my first knitting project! He of course hated it and would barely leave it on long enough for me to snap these pictures.

Little did I know then while making this pumpkin hat what a huge blessing knitting would be in my life. Knitting is a very dear friend of mine... I can't even count the number of doctor's appointments I have sat and waited for that have allowed me a little knitting time. I've been able to make gifts for friends, booties, baby leg warmers, hats, cowls, scarfs... the list goes on. I was able to make some of the hats I wore while I had cancer to keep my poor head covered and warm, as well as hats for my friends who have also had cancer. The most sacred knitting project I have done was the little soft white blanket I knit for Clayton that I wrapped him in before we buried him. Something that kept my hands and mind busy for the days between his birth and burial. The only temporal thing I ever made for my son I was able to make with my two hands, running every fiber of that yarn through my fingers. Yes, knitting is a very dear friend to me.

As the wind has grown a bit colder and the leaves have been falling from the trees, I've found myself once again with a burning desire to knit my new baby a pumpkin hat to wear for Halloween. This is the first project I've encountered since having him, and I was able to finish it up just before the big day!

It's fun for me to look back on the first pumpkin hat I made and see how much my knitting has improved over these last five years. This hat was a bit trickier than the first (I used this pattern), but I love the way it turned out. I wanted to take some pictures of it with Baby G modeling his new hat, so I waited until he was in a super happy mood. He was all smiles and coo's one afternoon so I grabbed the hat and had my husband hold him outside to take a few pictures.

And this is what I got...

In case you are wondering... yes, he's totally glaring at me in this picture for making him wear a stupid pumpkin hat.

Seriously!! Ugh... he really does not like the hat! I'm not sure if it's too tight or he just doesn't like hats, but he was not happy with us. We took a little break and let him say hi to the ladies before we tried for more pictures.

No such luck (and he couldn't have cared less for the chickens)...

Back inside with the hat off, he's as happy as can be again.

Oh well! He's still wearing it for Halloween. Or at least until we get tired of him complaining about it. We tried again to have him wear the hat later that night and he did a little better. No smiles but at least he wasn't fussy about it.

Even if my sons don't fully appreciate the Halloween pumpkin hat, I'm sure grateful that I can make such things for them. And that this silly desire of mine has sparked such a fun and relaxing hobby for me.

Fussy...

I was trying to get a good picture of Baby G today that I could print off and give to his Great Grandma. She has a hallway lined with pictures of her family members, and a special section with all of her great-grandbabies. But I tell you, this baby does not want to cooperate! He is just still really fussy... and every picture I took has a scowl on his face.

Blue was a fussy baby. It was so hard to be cried at all day, everyday, for the first three months of his life. And then one day he just sort of snapped out of it. I know that will happen with this baby too... but darn it I was really hoping that he would be a calmer baby. Oh well, we will get through it!

And look at Blue now... he has the best smile around, always lights up a room. I think my favorite sound in the world is that boy's joyful laugh. He is such a happy kid for the most part, and sweet as can be. So maybe fussy babies make happy kids? I'm hoping so!

We've tried all sorts of things to help the fussiness around here. Swaddling, mylicon, gripe water, white noise, etc, etc. The only things that seem to sort of work is going outside and giving him a warm bath. He LOVES it outside and he LOVES baths. But I can't have him in the tub all day, and it's getting colder around these parts so hopefully something else will work if this carries on. I've thought about picking up some Colic Calm, but man that is pricy for fancy gripe water. I've also been tempted to take him to the chiropractor to see if that helps at all but that makes me a little nervous. We are just going to wait this one out I think...

I'm thankful for all the baby whisperers that have come into my life lately though. Even if it's just someone to hold him for 10 minutes to try and calm him down. Just to see someone else holding him and working with him makes me feel better. I have some dear friends that have stopped by and held my boy so that I can get something done or just take a break when he's being really fussy. Bless them!

Introducing...

Baby G

born August 1st at 7:37 PM

Weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz and 18 1/2 inches long

 

He was born 4 weeks early due to some complications that I was having.

But he is doing great! Never had to spend any time in the NICU. He is the sweetest little guy.

We are all so smitten around here by him, and we are glad he is here safe and sound.

 

I found out last Thursday that I had HELLP syndrome and we needed to have him born that day. So the super short version of the story is that I was induced by having my water broken, started labor 2 hours later, and 3 1/2 hours after that we had our little boy. I was able to have a VBAC and have him without an epidural. Maybe I'll share the long version of the story sometime... still not sure about that! It turned out to be one of the best, most rewarding, yet hardest and scariest experiences of my life. 

 

 

The best part of the story is that I was able to bring my little baby home with me. Something I have longed for and looked forward to for the past four years. It was as wonderful as I hoped it would be.

 

Things might be quiet around here for the next little while as we adjust to this new little guy.

 



Mother's...

And on that note... Happy Mother's Day! Ha! I felt bad this weekend for putting up a rant about my child just before Mother's Day. But the reality is that sometimes motherhood is hard. It can be really frustrating and stressful at times... but it is also very rewarding and something that I cherish and love so much.

I think that Mother's Day can be hard for lots of people for lots of different reasons. It kind of makes me wonder why we celebrate Mother's/Father's Day at all. I think that every woman at one time or another has a really difficult Mother's Day. Whether it's because you don't have kids and you really want to be a mother, or because your mother is gone and you miss her. Maybe you have lost a child, and miss them on Mother's Day. Or maybe you have small kids and it's a real challenge sometimes to be a mom and feel good about your mothering (umm... hello! Raising my hand here!), maybe you don't have the type of relationship with your mom or kids that you wish you did and that makes it a hard day.

I think another way it can be hard is that I see lots of women who expect their husbands to jump to the moon and back on Mother's Day or else they claim it was a bad Mother's Day. They want breakfast in bed, no responsibility for the day with their kids or house work, they want the dishes done... floors mopped... noses and bums wiped by dad all day long so that they can relax! Not to mention they want chocolates, flowers, or some other gift to symbolize to them that they are loved and appreciated as a mother dangit! And if things fall short... it wasn't a very good day.

So the conclusion that I came to yesterday as another Mother's Day came and went is that I believe that families are important. I think that if you have a Mother or children that you love and care about you should be doing this all year long and not just on Mother's Day. I think that life is short, nobody is in the perfect situation and enjoy what you have at this very moment because things can change so fast. I think that Mother's Day is important because families are important, and mother's are a big part of the family.

I had very low expectations for Mother's Day yesterday. Mostly because my husband was in the middle of his work week and I knew that I would only see him for about 15 minutes yesterday (and that is pretty much how it was!). So I was very pleasantly surprised that he came home from work at 6:30 AM and made me a nice breakfast to wake up to. I got to spend the day with just me and my boy... trying to keep ourselves entertained until we went to church, and then we went and visited the mom's/grandma's in our lives. I was planning on leftovers for dinner because I didn't want to make myself dinner, but my mom invited us over and I had a wonderful dinner made by my dad. It was a great day. One of the best parts of the day was that I got to sit and enjoy lots of little kicks from this baby I am currently nurturing inside of my body, as well as cuddle a sweet boy who would come sit on my lap. I am very, very blessed. I've had some rough Mother's Days in the past and so I tried to really soak in my motherhood yesterday and all it entails.

My greatest wish in life is to be a mother and I am so blessed to be able to do that.

Anyway, I'm rambling on about this... but I wanted to do a little tribute to the mom's in my life. They are so important to me.

First... my mom.

High school graduation picture I think. It has been so nice to be back in Utah and to be able to spend more time with my mom and family again. My mom works really hard for her family. A lot of the things I do as a mom I learned from her. I clean with vinegar water a lot of the time. I learned to sew and cook because of her. I make to do lists a mile long because of her... I learned that raising kids is hard work and she has sacrificed a lot for us. I love my siblings and am grateful that my parents wanted to have a big family and brought all of them into the world, they are some of my best friends. I was able to spend the weekend with my mom. One thing that she likes to do is  have birthday dinners for us kids on our birthdays. Saturday was my little sister Carly's birthday, but my mom was recovering from a surgery and worried that she wouldn't be up to making Carly's favorite foods for her birthday. So I tried to step in and help out, and made my mom's fried chicken and homemade gravy (which was my grandma's recipe) as Carly requested. I was nervous... I've never been successful at making homemade gravy EVER before. But it turned out great! My mom felt well enough to come and help me with the gravy part and it was nice to stand at her stove, in her kitchen, wearing her apron, with my mom... making gravy. It sounds so simple, but it is memories like this that I will cherish. Thank you for all that you do mom! We love you!

Next is my husband's mom Linda...

I've never met this woman who raised my husband. She passed away after we had been on 3 dates from lung cancer. But over the last 11 1/2 years that I have been around her family I feel as though I have a good idea of who she was and is. She raised an amazing son... and amazing kids! Her 11 living kids are some of the best people I have ever met in my life and I am so glad to be part of their family. My husband's love of gardening comes from her. She would grow big gardens and plant beautiful flowers around her home. I can tell she was a selfless woman, partly because she had 12 children. How can you have 12 kids and not be selfless? I watch her kids, especially her daughters work hard to help each other. They go do fun things together, they make yummy food, they try hard to include everyone. They are very selfless and if someone needs help with something, they jump and don't ever look back or complain. They are great examples to me of the person that I hope to become and I think it's because this is how their mom raised them to be. They all miss her... I know they do. But they have carried on with their lives since she left in a beautiful way. I look forward to meeting this wonderful woman someday.

Next is my husband's step mom Karen...

I had never seen an old picture of Karen until last night, when I asked her to dig one out for me! I love her short, ratted bob! How stylish! Karen has been in our family for the past 9 years (I think) when she married Trent's dad. We moved away shortly after they got married and I didn't really get a chance to know her too well. That was until she did something for us that I never expected anyone to ever do. She let us move into her basement for 6 months while we tried to get settled back into Utah. She and my father in law wanted us to move in! She insisted on paying for all the food, and would take us out or treat us to whatever when my husband was out of work. She didn't complain about my wild little boy running all over her house and spoiled him rotten. She showed me that she cared about us and wanted to do whatever she could to help us get back on our feet and start our lives up here so that we could be close to family again. I am so so so grateful to Karen for this. She is a good grandma to all these little step grandkids she has. She puts on amazing Easter egg hunts each year and buys Christmas presents for the kids that out shine Santa's! She takes good care of Trent's dad which I think is so important. They make each other happy. I love Karen and am grateful to have her in our lives. She loves playing games so we try to make it out there whenever we can to have game nights with her. I've missed not living with her for the past year (believe it or not) and have learned a lot from her example.

Being a mother is hard work, and I'm grateful for the women in my life and husband's life who have sacrificed to help raise us teach us how to care for others.

This boy...

This boy tried my patience to the umpteenth degree today...

He went through three pairs of pants. Two because they were completely caked with mud, and one because he decided to draw the number 9 on them with a Sharpe marker (his best pair none the less).

Even though my fuse was increasingly short by the end of the day, I decided to go to the store to pick up a few items for tomorrow. My boy decided he needed to touch every.single.thing in the store.

"Don't touch that! Keep your hands on the cart... Dude knock it OFF!!!"

Someday I wonder if I will ever get my kid to listen to me. I try to explain to him why he needs to keep up with me and not touch everything, but my words fell on deaf ears.

Then his curiosity got the best of him when he lifted a 25 lb kettle bell off the shelf and dropped it right on his big toe.

Ouch...

I do feel bad for the kid. I don't know if his toe is broken, but his purple toe nail does not look very good. The rest of the night was spent with his wailing and crying over his toe.

But I don't feel very bad for him. The "I told you so..." in me hopes that he learned his lesson, but I don't know.

I feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad that my kid wont listen to me. I feel bad that I am so impatient and have a hard time being a mom sometimes. I feel bad that I get worked up over muddy pants and Sharpe markers. I feel bad that I yell. I'm a yeller, and I feel bad every time. I worry that I wont be able to handle two wild and crazy little boys...

Ahhhh... motherhood. It is trying at times isn't it? I think that tomorrow instead of saying, "No... Don't... knock it off!" I'm going to try to spend some time cuddling, and loving and giving attention to my boy.

And cross my fingers and hope for the best... cause 5 years into this I still don't know what I'm doing most of the time.

Mother's Day...

I try to get a picture of me and my boy every year on Mother's Day. We were on our own yesterday though so I ended up trying to snap some pictures of us. The one above is the best one I got... the boy was not cooperating very well.

Here's what he does when I say "smile!"

Evil child smile...

Not sure why his hands are in his mouth...

 Husband made me breakfast in bed before he left for work. We went to church. Then we bummed around and watched movies and ate peanut butter cookie dough with chocolate chips. It was kind of a rough Mother's Day. I'm so thankful to be a mother, I love this little guy so much, but I think that so many of us women out there have a little sting associated with Mother's Day. I have a hard time with Clayton's birthday being so close to Mother's Day (it's within two days this year). I decided to go to the cemetery, something I have not done since we moved back up here. I think that next year on Mother's Day I wont do that, it was just too hard. It was hard in lots of ways, one being that my boy is four and asking lots and lots of questions. I tried to explain to him who his brother is, why he died, showed him pictures. It was just very emotionally taxing for me. Then the wonder if this little boy I have will be my only real shot at motherhood in this life. I want to embrace that and be the best mom that I can be to him, but it's hard. I try not to "want what I don't have" but on Mother's Day, I do.

While at the cemetery I noticed that several of my in laws had been there to pay tribute to their mother who has passed away. Another sting of Mother's Day, mom's who are gone, and no longer with their kids. It made me hug my boy tighter and be grateful that I am here, I still get to be his mom. I get to enjoy his laughter and wipe his dirty fingers and face everyday. I am a lucky, lucky mom!! So lots different emotions to deal with on Mother's Day for me this year. I think that women just feel emotions so deeply and personally, it makes "special" days like this a little more delicate. At the end of the day this is what I determined made my Mother's Day a great day:

 - I get to be mom to the most handsome little 4 year old!
 - I got to visit with my own mom and spend some time with her. I'm lucky and thankful to have my mom around and to have a good relationship with her.
 - I thought about all the different women who have been mother's to me. So many of them that I am in no way related to, but they have filled this mother roll for me in different times of my life. Women can mother regardless of who they have given birth to. One of these women is a nurse named Sally that I worked with in Las Vegas. She was my ER mom and I made sure to send her a card for mother's day this year to show my love and appreciation for her.

I hope that you all had a wonderful Mother's Day this year and can feel content and happy in whatever mothering capacity you hold in your life right now.

The craft of baby making...

Stealing a kiss from my {not so little} boy...

I layed in bed with this little boy yesterday... nap time. Naps are always better when mom is there.

I don't take naps with the boy very often, but I caved this day. It was his birthday after all.

Every now and then when I give in to the pleading I usually just stay until he falls asleep and then try to sneak out to go do my own thing. But this time he had wrapped his little arm around mine and I was sort of stuck there. So I stayed.

As I layed there I tried to remember what it was like 4 years ago when I held him for the first time. It was a hard day, after laboring for 20 hours and pushing for 2 before being wheeled into surgery for an unexpected c-section. I had never thought that I would ever have a c-section... I don't know why. My mom or sister hadn't had a c-section, why would I? Needless to say it was a rough day. A rough day, that was one of the best in my life. Because I became a mom.

I had tried for a year to get pregnant with this boy. At the time I didn't understand why we couldn't get pregnant. What was wrong with me? Why did it seem that everyone else was able to get pregnant so easily and I couldn't? I realize now the wonderful design of Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful now that I have a four year old. Not a five or six year old, but a four year old. That he was so little when we went through that crazy time in our lives. Too little to know anything, but how to give hugs and kisses. Too little to be influenced by the worries of adults, that he was just a sweet, innocent two year old who smothered his mom with love. This little boy who is so full of love... saved me. He saved my life. Though drugs and potions could spare my physical body for now, he spared my heart.

I'm grateful now that he is four. That he has two years before he will start kindergarten having that late birthday that he has. That hopefully I will be able to stay home with him soon and spend some much longed for time with him before he has to grow up a bit and go to school.

As I layed there with my sweet boy I thanked my Heavenly Father once again that I get to be his mother. And I thanked him for giving him to me when he did... not when I thought it was a great time to have a baby, but when he knew it was the right time for me to have a baby.

I've been thinking about the craft of baby making recently. Some women are able to have babies any time they "want", and have perfectly spaced out children whenever they feel the time is right for them. Other women can't help but get pregnant, and are swimming in a sea of kids because they just keep coming one after the other. Other women have a hard time getting pregnant, they can't get pregnant when they want to. Pay lots of money and spend so much time and energy into trying to grow their family which sometimes works and sometimes... doesn't.

I think that most women would like to fall into the "get pregnant when they want to" category. However, if that's how it worked out all the time for everyone... if we all were just able to have children whenever we wanted to... where does God come into the picture? Where does faith come in? Because it's really not about us. It's really not about when it works out for our "timing", but it's about his timing. It's not about making sure they are each in a separate grade, or that this year we could use a better deductible on our taxes, or that we want to run a marathon before we have another one. Or that our car seat is going to expire so we should fit one more it there... It's about his timing.

And sometimes his timing works out much better for us than our timing would have. But we don't know that until we see it down the road. I really loved this talk from conference, I really spoke to me at this time in my life.

I'm really trying to embrace this right now. And the more I think about it, the more it makes perfect sense. In those moments when I feel sad because I want to have more babies... now, I will remember the beautiful four year old that I do have, and had exactly when it was "right".

Post written October 17, 2011

This boy...

This little boy of mine really loves Dora... and I'm totally cool with that!

He also really loves girls, and is always pointing out when he sees a pretty girl... I'm okay with that too.

Except for when he goes up to a cute girl {lady really} at Costco and tells her that she has a cute bum... not so okay with that one.