Two gifts...

I saw my cousin Heather recently at her little brother's wedding reception which was really great since I haven't seen her in years and years (we've both taken our turns living out of Utah). She totally surprised me and knocked my socks off with one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received. Well... see for yourself...

She made me this darling custom floor mat for Baby Gray! Holy smokes! I was really touched by this. As someone who also likes to make handmade gifts I was just blown away at the detail and the amount of time I'm sure it took her to do this. And the tree with the initials and birds nest!! Right up my alley...

 

Seriously, I feel very undeserving of such a gift. But whether I deserve it or not... we have been loving it!

She told me that she started it when I was pregnant with Clayton. Then when we lost him she put it away and held onto it for all these years until we announced we were expecting again. That made me get all teary, knowing that she had started it for him and finished it for this baby. Thank you again Heather, so very very much!

Heather also gave me a second gift that night that I don't know if she was aware she was even giving to me. You see, we got into a little argument around the time that Baby Gray was born. I think it's fair to say that we never "came around" to the other persons point of view. We both sort of stood our ground and didn't see eye to eye and we both left that situation with our feelings hurt. I had not seen Heather for years but really I hadn't talked to her much since this situation happened. I was excited to see her and meet some of her kids that I hadn't met yet, but I was also a little nervous as to how our interaction would be with this having happened.

Heather greeted me at the wedding with a smile and a hug. We sat and chit chatted for a long time. It was SO GOOD to see her! But more than that it was so good to not feel a rift in our friendship. It was such a gift to feel like it was okay, we were moving on and not going to let this dampen our relationship. That was an amazing gift that she also gave me. The gift of letting bygones be bygones. The gift of forgiveness and moving on. It was such a wonderful night and I needed that small little tender mercy in my life right then.

So thank you dear cousin, for knowing my taste so well and making this darling floor mat. Thank you for your friendship, your forgiveness, and your example.

Continuous healing...

I dread winter... it's not a very pleasant season for me. One of the side effects from chemo that I have lived with for the past few years is Raynaud's Phenomenon. I wrote about it here (with a picture of what happens to my extremities when it gets cold).

Basically if the temperature drops below 40 degrees my fingers and toes go numb and white and lose circulation. As they warm back up it becomes very painful, like a million little needles poking into my extremities. Then when they are warm... they start to itch, which freaks me out every time because itching is also a sign of the type of cancer that I had. Thus the cycle goes on every winter. It gets cold, I wear socks/gloves/slippers/fur lined boots for months to try and prevent this from occurring. It's annoying for sure, but honestly a small price to pay to have made it through cancer.

So this winter I got all prepared for it. I bought some more wool socks. I even got new gloves. I dug out my house slippers to wear so that my bare feet never touched the cold floor. And guess what?

It never happened...

I have not had this problem at all this winter. Not even once!

I can hardly believe it! I am seriously shocked that it hasn't happened this year. The only thing I can think of as to why it hasn't is that my body is still healing. I'm still healing from the effects of chemo. I'm still getting better. I'm so happy for continuous healing!!! Another possibility is that I've realized that I'm pretty deficient in some vitamins and minerals that I think happened during those sick months too. So I've been taking 2000 IU's of Vitamin D every day and have started Magnesium this winter. Maybe getting these vital nutrients back into my body is helping as well.

So the other day I did the ultimate test. I wore a pair of ballet flats all day long, even with snow on the ground. My toes still stayed rosy pink, something that hasn't happened in four years! I realize that this could be a fluke and maybe next winter it will be back, but I'm so enjoying this right now.

These bodies we have are pretty amazing you know... I'm grateful that mine is still healing and thriving.

Las Vegas...

 I've been aching to go on a road trip back down to Las Vegas for a long time now. A couple of things have happened this last month that sort of spurred a sudden road trip! One was we have a new niece along the way we wanted to meet. Also, we left our adopted 85 year old Jewish grandma Malka there when we left and we told her we would come down for a visit sometime. Trent has lost two of his grandparents in the last four months and I felt like we needed to jump on the opportunity to see her while she is still around! We also wanted to introduce our new baby to the friends that were so amazingly supportive to us while we struggled so much down there. So we decided on a Tuesday to head down on Friday! It was such a great trip! I only wish we would have had more time to see more people down there.

I've missed driving this long drive down the center of Utah. Utah really is such a beautiful place.

First stop were to play with cousins! These three followed Blue everywhere he went and loved playing with him.

Our new little niece/cousin. Blue said, "Mom I hope we get a sweet little baby like this someday..." Ummm... we did, like two months ago ;). He just loves babies!

We found out that Baby G really hates road trips and wanted to be out of his seat!!! He was super cute when we would get him out, and screamed the rest of the way there ;).

 

We only had about 24 hours in Las Vegas, so it was a really quick trip! We meet up with Malka and took her out to dinner at our favorite buffet (The Seasons at The Silverton). As we drove through our old condo complex we told Blue that this was where we lived. He didn't remember it at all! We've only been gone for two years and he was four when we moved so I thought for sure he would remember it. Nope, there was very little he actually remembered. I'm glad that he remembered the people, it's okay that he couldn't remember our old condo.

If anyone would like to adopt a wonderful grandma in Las Vegas I have one for you. She is so sweet, and we miss her a lot.

This lady moved in behind us right before I started chemo. She would bring me fruit and veggies from Trader Joe's every single week while I was sick so that I could stay "as healthy as possible". We spent all of the holiday's that we stayed in Vegas for with her. She is not an orthodox Jew (hence going to an un-kosher buffet on a Saturday night), but she is from Israel and speaks Hebrew. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met.

We didn't do what normal people who go to Vegas do ;). Our first stop was to the place my husband missed the most... Cardenas Grocery Store. He walked the aisles and was sad that we don't have this Mexican grocery store in Utah.

We went to our favorite pizza place, Manhattan Pizza, where you get a huge slice of cheese pizza for $2.79! Sadly... the pizza was not nearly as good as we remembered it being.

We reunited with some of Blue's old playmates. He really misses these boys... and I don't blame him! He hasn't yet found great friends like this up in Utah, so it was fun to play with them for a while.

 One of my favorite parts of the trip was to see some of my best friends hold my little baby and giving them huge, long overdue hugs. There are a few women who were such a huge part of my life when things were so hard. They were there for the whole thing... and they are who stood by me through the thick and the thin of it. They have seen me at my worst and pulled me up to higher ground, and I owe a lot to these ladies. There are others I could have had this moment with, but the two that I did were Crystal and Heidi. By far one of the best moments of my life was seeing them hold my little miracle boy. Thank you ladies, for being my friends and taking care of us! This was a full circle moment in my life... love you both!

 And it is no secret that I love to look at old pictures from when I was sick/bald and recreate them. I don't know why I like to do it, other than it reminds me that life goes on, and things get better. My friend Crystal had this little girl the same week that I finished chemo. When I went to meet her she had a head full of hair and I was so jealous!! Crystal requested that we take another one now... which was super fun! We now both have long hair... but I'm the only one with a natural bump-it (come on... it's totally obvious that my head is mis-shaped. Thankfully it just gives me volume now).

 

I'm so glad we were able to get away for a few days to go and do this. I miss Las Vegas a lot... mostly the good people that we met there. It really lifted my spirits to see so many wonderful people in my life. Thank you everyone for having a fun weekend with us!

Loving this pregnant body...

I found myself in the most beautiful cherry orchard this week. Trent's uncle is a fruit farmer and they had a little party in the orchard this last week. It was too pretty to not take a few pictures in. I'm now officially 30 weeks pregnant... 3/4 of the way there! We are on the last stretch and it feels so good to be here.

I've been studying my hypnobabies every chance I get, trying to get ready for this little boy's birthday. One thing that they have you do is listen to their positive pregnancy affirmations every single day, trying to reprogram your brain to think good, positive thoughts about pregnancy and your changing body as opposed to all the negative stories and ideas that we hear about pregnancy and birth. Something interesting has been brought to my attention from listening to these affirmations everyday...

 I really, really, hated my body.

I think that most women have issues with their body to some extent. I've always been very conscious about my body. I've tried to take care of my body as well as I could, and still not loved it. I've tried hard to eat healthy things and exercise and have lived most of my adult life within 5 lbs of what I weighed when I graduated high school.

That is until my body failed me.

That is how I have really felt for the past several years. My body, that I have tried hard to take care of, failed me. It couldn't properly develop a placenta and that is why we lost our little boy. And then the greatest of all bodily insults... it developed cancer when I was 25 years old!!! Seriously, body, seriously. Not to mention infertility and the feelings of failure that brings with it. Why couldn't my body just work like other's do?

That is when the really poor self talk started. I was broken, my body was totally broken. I was a broken girl. That is also when I started eating whatever I wanted because I was so miserable I decided that at least I was going to enjoy eating good food.

It's been years now of feeling like a broken girl in a broken body. I don't know why I ever expected my body to be perfect, but I have felt very betrayed by my body and the things that have happened.

So as I started listening to these positive affirmations nightly, it was a hard thing for me to do. Hearing things such as:

My body knows just how to be in perfect health, and is now producing perfect health for me and my baby.

Oy... this one was jarring. Does my body know how to be in perfect health? What if I have cancer lurking in there somewhere again? My body doesn't have a clue.

I have complete confidence that my body is working perfectly.

I could not listen to this one and have it settle well. I don't have complete confidence that my body is working perfectly. I'm a broken girl remember.

My body is healthy and whole.

It took me about 2 weeks of listening to this every night before I decided to humor myself and to start believing it. Why not? Why do I have to be so hard on myself and my body? Why can't I just wrap my arms around this poor body that has been through so much and watch this miracle unfold? Free of judgment, forgiving it for the past, and focus on trying to do whatever I could to love and except my body for what it is right this minute.

I love my pregnant body and accept it everyday.
I enjoy eating well for myself and my baby.
My changing body is radiantly beautiful.
I accept all of the changes that pregnancy brings to me.

These were a little easier to swallow. I really have been in awe that this poor, wounded body can produce a baby. That I am able to grow another human being. That I feel so great right now and it has been humbling and beautiful to watch my body do what it was made and meant to do.

So here I am. I have scars and wounds that are still healing. But I'm choosing to love and accept my body. To believe that it is perfect, and radiant, and beautiful. I now officially weight the most that I have ever weighed, having passed up the weight I was the day I gave birth to Blue. But I don't care.

I feel a confidence coming back to me that has been gone for a long time, and it feels good. It feels good to finally be able to forgive my body for past sins... for not being perfect. And to give it another chance. Forgiveness really is such a healing thing. I didn't realize that I needed to get past this and truly forgive my body until I started listening to these words everyday.

Just as it's been a great blessing to watch this body grow and change with a baby inside, I'm excited to see my body birth a baby, and breast feed again, and I plan on doing whatever I need to take care of it. I'm not broken, my body isn't broken. It's just needed time and a second chance. It's the only one I'm ever going to get and I'm grateful that every night I get to remind myself of this beautiful gift of a body that I have.