Virtual Book Tour for The Gift of Giving Life...

This guest post today is a stop on the Virtual Book Tour for The Gift of Giving Life and I'm honored to be a part of it!

I wrote a review of this book here over the summer when I first read it. I love recommending this book to my friends and family members who are having babies and I love hearing the different insights that they gain from it.

I've been thinking the last little while about what it really is that makes me love this book so much. And there is a line from the hymn As Sister's in Zion that keeps coming back to me...

The errand of angels is given to women.

In my experience of having babies, losing babies, bed rest, infertility, and postpartum recovery I have been so very, very blessed by many angels. Sometimes it's been friends who are near and dear to me and other times it's been women who have come out of the woodwork and been absolute miracles in my life. There have also been some very sacred times where it has been women spirits who I can not see but I have felt their calming influence as I've gone on my own journey of womanhood and motherhood.

When I had my first son I had just moved to Las Vegas and really did not have any friends or family around. I remember being completely unprepared for childbirth and feeling incredibly alone. To demonstrate how unprepared I was I remember driving to the hospital because I was going to be induced (sure why not!) and thinking, "Well, I'm not sure how this is really going to go down but somehow I will leave with a baby in my arms." And I did leave with a baby in my arms after having a C-section, which had never even crossed my mind as a possibility. No one in my family had ever had a C-section so why would I? Little did I know then that a C-section has less to do with family history and more to do with the interventions that happened during my labor. (Just for the record...I'm not sharing these thoughts because I think C-sections are bad, they definitely have their place! But this was my reaction and feelings to having one for my first birth experience). I remember going into recovery and calling my sister on the phone and just sobbing to her about how upset I was that this had happened. My sweet sister sobbed with me. I will never forget that moment, and that she had empathized with me and helped me shoulder that sadness in my first few moments as a mother.

 I stayed in the hospital for four days without a single visitor other than my husband. I felt very, very alone. On the final day of my stay my one friend in town came by to see my baby. I was so grateful for her being there! I was grateful to have another female to be with me. Another mom who was there for support. She was an angel to me that day.

Not only had I not really mentally prepared for child birth as I should have, I didn't really spiritually prepare either. I had an easy pregnancy and possibly felt like I didn't really need to call on my Father in Heaven so much to prepare for this role in life because things were humming along so well. Isn't it interesting how sometimes it's when things are harder in life that we really turn to the Lord, but when things are pretty easy we feel a little more independent from our Father?

The birth of my second son was very different. I had problems from the very beginning. I had a wild and crazy one year old boy running a muck in the house while I was on bed rest for four months. Prayer was a constant for me. Petitions that this boy would be okay, that I would be able to carry him to term and things would work out. Women that I did not know started trickling into my life. Meals, offering to take my son for an afternoon... I almost didn't know how to react because I had been so independent in doing it all by myself for so long. Unfortunately at 21 weeks my water broke and my body could no longer support this pregnancy or this tiny boy. We went to the hospital and labor started soon after. It was only myself and my husband who were in the room when this little boy was born. The hospital staff was off preparing for a C-section (since I had one already...) when he made his entrance into this world. But as I laid on the bed and saw our one pound baby boy I realized that the room was filled. I could feel that my bed was surrounded by female spirits. I think back to that moment as one of the most sacred moments in my life. That at one of the darkest hours in my existence, one where I would birth my son alive and then watch him die... that I would not be alone. I am so grateful for those women. I'm not sure who they are (though I have a few guesses) but I look forward to the day that I can give them a hug and say thank you for being there for me. I'm grateful that I was able to feel the errand of those heavenly angels.

Eight months ago I was able to give birth to a third son. This boy comes after four years of sadness, heartache, illness, and road block after road block of trying to grow our family. He is my sweet rainbow baby and I am so grateful for him. I had longed for another baby for so long and many times I felt like this longing would never be fulfilled. I spent the entire time of my pregnancy preparing for his coming. I did all that I could do to prepare for a VBAC. I prepared by finding a health care provider whom I trusted and believed would help me on this journey. I prepared each day with my hypno-babies sound tracks. I prepared by reading The Gift of Giving Life, and for the first time tried to really encompass and understand just how spiritual a birth could be. That I was being blessed with an amazing gift, to be a woman and to be a mother, and I did not want to take this for granted in any way. I prepared by gathering my tribe of women around me who knew what I had been through and would take this journey with me and help give me strength. I was so very blessed to have found a few amazing women who have become some of my closest friends. I believe that Heavenly Father placed these women in my life because he knew that they would be the angels that would rejoice with me in this great miracle.

One of these angels was my dear friend Rachelle (who is Robyn's sister, one of the co-authors of The Gift of Giving Life). She was able to be my doula for this birth. Another was my friend Sacha who is one of the most joyful people I have ever met. These two ladies wanted to give me a mother's blessingway to prepare for the birth. I wasn't really sure about it (I had never been to one before) but they insisted! Timing wasn't working out with finding a date to do the blessingway and we almost pushed it back to right by my due date. But Sacha insisted that we do it soon! So at 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant we had a very small and intimate night with some of the angels that had been surrounding me during this pregnancy. I've never felt so spoiled by love and friendship before. We spent the night eating yummy healthy food, honoring motherhood and celebrating this little spirit that would be entering the world. Each lady brought a bead or charm to make me a birthing necklace. We all cried as the wishes and blessing that went with the beads were read. Each one was so personal to me and it made me feel so much strength and faith.

The very next day I was admitted to the hospital for some complications. And at 35 weeks and 6 days I was able to give birth to my sweet baby boy (birth story here). I didn't have time to pack a hospital bag, so Rachelle stopped by my house and grabbed a few necessary items that I wanted for the birth. She grabbed all the beads and charms that I had been gifted and put them on a chain and I was able to wear it when I delivered my boy.

my mess of charms around my neck as I first met my new son...

 

Once again I felt a heavenly presence in the room as I gave birth to this boy as I had been feeling in the weeks that lead to this birth. Women who had been helping me prepare spiritually and physically from their heavenly home for this event to take place. I loved wearing my birth necklace and felt strength and love as I thought of my friends who were praying for us and eager to be a part of this time in our life. Many woman helped me recover from this difficult birth by bringing meals, taking my older boy, sort through baby clothes, supply us with diapers, wipes, baby clothes, essential oils for healing for months (I still have yet to buy a pack of wipes for this baby). We have been surrounded and carried by women who were busy with their errands for us...

 

I have learned so much in the births of my three boys. But one of the greatest lessons that I learned is that by opening my heart and home to some amazing women, my life has been greatly blessed. I don't have to be alone on this road of motherhood. Heavenly Father has given us the gift of sisterhood to help us all through this calling.

 

 

 

.... and this is a gift that as sisters we claim.

 

As much as I have been blessed by many angels I hope to be able to be an angel in the lives of others when they are in need of my support and my love.

 

So again, back to why I love this book so much... it's the errand of the women who put this book together. It's the stories that are shared that remind us that whatever our situation is Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother love us and are so mindful of us. That wherever we are in our lives as women we don't have to feel alone. However we come to picking up this book and thumbing through the pages we can feel the love of our Heavenly Father and the reminder of our amazing calling as women on this earth. We can find stories of others who have walked similar paths to ours and remember just how amazing and miraculous our bodies are in bringing children into the world.

 

"The errand of angels is given to women; and this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim: to do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name."

** Read more about Mother Centered Baby Showers (pg. 155) and Surrounded by Angels (pg. 171) in The Gift of Giving Life.
 

Thank you for visiting my little space here today! Visit the Gift of Giving Life Virtual Book Tour page for a chance to win some great pregnancy/birth/baby-related prizes!  

 

 

How many pills does it take to make a baby?

I've had quite a few people ask me about the diet that I followed to try and get pregnant. I really believe that eating a low glycemic diet helped us to make this happen. I felt the results of it within the first week and saw some dramatic changes in my mood, monthly cycle, and energy levels in the three months that I ate completely that way. But that is not all we did to try and conceive. We sort of tried a whole bunch of things at once, so I am not exactly sure what it was that made this happen for us, or if it was a mixture of all of it. All I know is that for me, it worked, and it worked fast once we got our ducks in a row.

I want to share what we did to try and make a baby for a few reasons. One is so that in the future when we try to get pregnant again I can remember what we did. Also, in case this information can help anyone out there that is trying to have a baby and suffering from infertility. I know that the title of this post is ridiculous. I'm sure that many of who read that though, "Ummm... I don't have to take any pills to make a baby!" While there are others of you who though, "It doesn't matter how many pills I take, I'm still not going to be able to make a baby." We are all different, our bodies are different. Our plans for our family are different and our trials and successes in life are different. There is no one way to do things, and sometimes things work and sometimes they don't.

*** This is a really long, detailed post with lots of links, etc. Please don't feel like you have to read the whole thing if you are not interested ;). 

For me... I have PCOS. I feel it was key for me to meet up with a health professional that understood that. I also think that there are different stages of PCOS. For some I think it might be more mild than for others, and I do think that my case is probably more mild than others because I have gotten pregnant five times before. One of my young women leaders growing up has PCOS and was not able to conceive any children, and has adopted 4 adorable kids, and that is how they grew their family. But I also know that so many times we hear people go get help for infertility and they say, "I was told that I have unexplained infertility... they can't tell what's wrong with me... we've tried everything... my only option is IVF." That is why it took me so long to go in and get checked out. I'm sharing this because I am grateful and happy to be a success story, the things we tried did work. And I hope that in whatever stage of baby making you are in that you are able to find the miracle that works for you. 

So here is my fertility story and what we did to make a baby...

First off, I did try to do natural methods to conceive before going to a doctors office for help. I knew that my hormones were off and I tried to take an herb called Vitex to regulate my cycles. This did help me regulate my cycles for the most part, but I wasn't getting pregnant taking this. I've also tried Fertility Blend which is a combination of different herbs and vitamins (this also has vitex in it) to boost fertility. I was taking this when I got pregnant with my first son, but didn't take it this time around... instead I just tried the Vitex.

I decided to go and see a doctor to get some help after we had been trying for 14 months with no luck. I met with a nurse practitioner and told her that I had been told in the past that I had PCOS and thought that could be why I wasn't getting pregnant. She did a quick ultrasound of my ovaries and said that everything looked great and she didn't think that I had PCOS. She sent me out the door with a prescription for Clomid and told me to come back in on the 12th day of my next cycle for a follicle check. She also did a blood test called a FSH test to see if my ovaries were functioning normally after going through chemo, and they were.

This is where I feel the stars aligned for me and I was able to meet with someone who could truly help me. The day I needed to have my follicle check done this nurse practitioner was on vacation, and I met with the nurse midwife they had at the center instead. I knew immediately that she was going to be able to help me. She instantly recognized the signs of PCOS on my ovaries from the "pearl necklace" affect that was there. That is where there are cysts that surround the ovary resembling a string of pearls. I also had many of the symptoms such as acne, weight gain, irregular cycles. I felt a great connection to this woman and I knew that she would do what she could to try and help us, and she was very confident that she could.

That's when things got a little crazy and I found out a week later that I had an ectopic pregnancy with my right ovary blowing up to the size of a grapefruit. We took a break and I got back on birth control pills for 2 months so that my ovary could heal and shrink back down to normal. Then the game was on and we got to work...

1. When my ovary looked OK again she first had me start taking Metformin which is a medication for people with type II diabetes. They have linked PCOS to problems with insulin resistance and have found that they have better conception rates for women with PCOS when they take Metformin. I started taking this twice a day and am still taking it. I plan on taking it until just before I deliver the baby because it reduces the risk of gestational diabetes, reduces the risk of miscarriage in women, and will hopefully help me to not have a huge baby since my first one was over 9 lbs (another sign of a PCOS mom). The side affects were bad for the first few weeks (digestion problems...) but my body is used to it now. I completely attribute not having gained as much weight this time around to taking Metformin.

2. This is when I also started eating a low glycemic diet. Basically no sugar, no white bread, no wheat bread, no rice. I could eat oatmeal, corn meal, and spelt flour for my carbs. Within one month of taking Metformin and eating this diet I had a completely normal 28 day cycle for the first time I can even remember. I do believe that these two things were able to stabilize my hormone problems so that I could ovulate and conceive.

3. During this month of hormone stabilization as she called it, I had a test done called a Hysterosalpingogram or HSG test. Basically they put a catheter up inside of your uterus and shoot some saline up there and look at your uterus and fallopian tubes under an ultrasound to see if there are any blockages to your tubes or scar tissue in your uterus that would prevent a pregnancy. It was a quick, in office procedure... that hurt like HELL!!! I didn't realize that it was going to be so painful. The doctor who performed the test told me just before it happened that it would be quite painful... but just for a minute. Whatever. I was in pain for days. I am not a screamer so to speak and I screamed right there in the office. It was right up there with a bone marrow biopsy on the pain scale. I just wish that I had talked to someone who had done this before so that I would have been a little more prepared for that. I was fully expecting to have some tube blockages or damage to my uterus from the different D&C's and C-section I've had done, but everything looked great! There was no sign of anything abnormal. They say that you are more fertile after having this procedure done because it cleans out your reproductive system and clears out your tubes.

4. When my cycle started after the HSG was done I took a fertility drug called Femara. Because of what happened when I took Clomid (which is the normal, go to fertility drug), I am no longer able to take Clomid or any injectable fertility drugs. The chances of having hyperstimulation syndrome again are so high I would most likely cause great damage to my ovaries to the point that I could lose them. Femara was really my only option at this point. Femara is actually a drug that they use to treat breast cancer in patients who are past menopause. My midwife assured me that it works completely differently than Clomid and I would not have the same problems that I did with that. She also said that this drug works really well with women who have PCOS. I took it for 5 days to stimulate ovulation and went in on day 12 for another follicle check to see if I would be ovulating. I did not have any strange side affects from taking this drug. I know people talk about how crazy and emotional fertility drugs make them... that was not the case for me. I felt completely normal.

***A little side story here. This is a shot of my one perfect little follicle that was seen at that appointment. My midwife said she really felt like this was going to work and that I would be getting pregnant this round. I told her that I couldn't go there, I couldn't get my hopes up for this yet. I've had so many big disappointments in life, I just couldn't go there and get crushed if it didn't happen. But when she left the room to write out a prescription I snapped a little picture of this perfect follicle with my phone. I guess this was my little way of showing an inkling of hope. So this picture is half of the baby that is growing inside of me, before it met up with my husbands half...

5. On day 19 of this cycle I started to take Progesterone and a baby aspirin every day. The progesterone is said that help your uterus in the lutal phase of pregnancy when the egg is implanting. It is explained pretty well here. I don't know that I have a lutal phase defect and if that is why I've had miscarriages or any other fertility problems, but my midwife was insistent that I take it. Once I found out I was pregnant we upped my dose to twice a day until I was 14 weeks pregnant. This drug made me really dizzy, tired, loopy. It was awful! But if it helped me to maintain this pregnancy then it was worth it. I also took a baby aspirin everyday and will continue to take this throughout the pregnancy. Studies have made a connection to lower miscarriage rates when women take a low dose of aspirin everyday. Also, I felt like this was a bit of a shot in the dark and we don't know if I really need this... but are doing it anyway just in case.

6. Have sex with your husband. Really? I still had to do that even with all of this? Ha!!! I have to say that was stressful. Having all of this going on really does put the pressure in the love making department. I'm grateful to have such a supportive partner who stood by my side through this crazy ride... and that even though I was sure we missed our window of opportunity because of his crazy work schedule we somehow made it happen. I think that doing fertility treatments kills the romance in baby making... enough said about that.

I started step one of this the end of October and had a positive pregnancy test on December 24th, so we got pregnant the first month that we tried all of this. Like I said, we did a lot of things all at once so I'm not sure which part of this is what really worked or if it was a combination of everything. Also, three of these drugs (Metformin, progesterone, and baby aspirin) are said to prevent miscarriage which is why I am still taking these or took them for a while.

I'm still a very firm believer that God sends his children down when it's their time to come. I wrote a post a long time ago about this and I still believe strongly that we are in very little control in all of this. With that being said, I also believe that there is knowledge and technology on earth today that is to help us. The way that everything worked out for me, meeting up with my midwife the way that I did, having to take a break for my hormones to get in order, miraculously getting a prescription for Femara by the doctor who had done my HSG before Thanksgiving weekend which turned out to be the exact time that I needed to take it and the office was closed for 4 days... yes I do believe this whole process what orchestrated in a way that was beyond my control, and exactly what I needed. All of this was done with lots and lots of prayer. I put off seeking help for a long time because I felt like when God was ready to send a baby to our family then he would! But I've come to realize that sometimes God has us go through different experiences to teach us things, to show us his grace and truly put our trust in him, and for us to go through different experiences. I don't think that by getting help with physical limitations we are "playing God". I think we are taping into the resources that God has given to us in this day and age, and am so grateful for that.

I hope that if you are struggling with infertility that this can give you some hope to keep searching for your own private miracle. Keep seeking to build your family, because family is important. Be open to whatever road your journey takes you whether it be fertility treatments, adoption, surrogacy... it is a different journey for each of us, and I truly hope that you can find the answers that you search for.

The hotel room...

About 1 1/2 years ago I had a dream... This dream came just after I had my one year post chemo appointment with my oncologist. I had one question on my mind that I had been scared to ask for a while... when would I be able to try and have more babies? My husband and son were in the room with me when I asked him this question that had been burning in my mind. He took a look at my boy and said, "He needs siblings doesn't he? Your scan was clean, there is no need to wait anymore."

We were elated and planned to start with my next cycle. Before that happened is when I had a dream that left a big impression on me. 

I was in what I thought was a hotel room. It was a place that I didn't recognize, and it was small. There was a living area with a couch and a bedroom behind it. On the opposite side of the rooms there was a small kitchen and a bathroom. In this dream I walked though the living area and past the kitchen into the bathroom. There was a small mirrored cabinet above the sink that I opened and pulled out a pregnancy test. The test was positive. As soon as I registered what this meant I heard a loud, booming voice say, "Everything is going to be alright." The voice was so loud that I woke up startled. 5 AM.

I'm going to find out I'm pregnant when I'm in a hotel room, I thought... and for some reason, I need to know that everything is going to be okay. Why would I need to know right off the bat that everything was going to be okay? What was going to happen?

Month after month went by. No positive tests, and no hotel rooms. We had a family camp out and my sister in law had stayed in a hotel with her twin boys. I stopped by there on my way out to take a shower before driving home. But it wasn't the right time of the month, and the layout was all wrong. This was not my hotel room.

Then we moved back to Utah. I thought we might get a hotel room on our way back to Utah but we ended up doing the whole drive in one day. No hotel.

One weekend about 10 months after this dream... Trent's grandma told us that she had reserved a condo down in St. George that was not going to be occupied for a week. We decided to go down with Trent's sister and her kids for a little getaway. I knew this was finally going to be it! I was 5 days late for my period. I was never on time... but 5 days late was a lot. It was a time-share condo that was sure to have a living area and a small kitchen. I truly believed that this was going to be "the hotel" that I had seen in my dream. I was eager the whole drive to see what awaited me when we got there.

We walked in the door... living area, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom. This was going to be it! I just knew it! That is until 10 minutes after we got there, "it" happened. I was devastated. So disappointed.This perfect hotel room was not my hotel.

I started to second guess this dream. Was it really a premonition as to what was to come? Or was it just a stupid dream? A dream that meant nothing. I started to really hate this dream. It haunted me. I thought about writing down every little last detail that I could remember and light the paper on fire. Watch it burn to ashes and disappear so that it would go away. But I couldn't. It was the only thing that I had that led me to believe that someday I would find out I was going to have a baby. Even if it did turn out to be a stupid dream that meant nothing, it was all I had to hold onto at times.

One year after I had the dream we moved, into a tiny little pioneer house. One day I walked through the living room, past the kitchen and into the bathroom to get something out of the old medicine cabinet. Then it hit me, like deja vu. This was the hotel room. This is what I had seen in my dream. I hadn't recognized it before, and it was such a small area I was sure that it was a hotel. But it was this house. This told me a few things. One, that we were right where we needed to be at this time in our lives... and two, that I would find out I was pregnant while living in this house.

The day was December 24th. I woke up early to get ready to meet two of my best friends from high school for our traditional Christmas Eve breakfast. The boys were both asleep. I was 3 days late after one month of trying a new to me fertility medication, among other things to try and get pregnant. Surely it was way too soon to test for pregnancy, but I had a spare test tucked away... why not? I took the test and then put it up in the medicine cabinet in case one of the boys woke up and came into the bathroom and saw it. I was too nervous to look at it, so I went into my room to finish getting dressed. Then I walked through the living room, past the kitchen, into the bathroom... and opened the medicine cabinet.

There it was. The faintest little pink line. It had worked! I was pregnant. The best Christmas present I could have ever dreamed of.

There was no loud, booming voice... telling me that everything was going to be okay. But I didn't need the voice, I already knew that this too was part of the message. The dream had really become a reality, and I felt peace believing that whatever was going to happen in the next few months... everything was going to be okay.

But what was it? What was going to happen that I needed to know for the last 1 1/2 years, that everything was going to be okay?

It was only a week and a half of pregnancy bliss until I started to understand what this message meant...

White daisies...

When I was a senior in high school I was competing to be the Sterling Scholar in Dance at my school. It was between me and one other girl, and I really wanted to win this. I started thinking about this when I was a sophomore and wanted it so badly. I worked hard on my application, I choreographed my solo routine, this was what I had wanted more than anything at that time in my life. It would look great on my college applications. It would be a complete honor to me to have been chosen and receive this scholarship.

The girl that I was competing against for this was either my good friend or my arch nemeses (it really depended on the day). We were neck in neck so to speak as to who would win the award. We were both on Dance Company, Drill Team, and had danced together for all of our high school days. I remember that I was sitting in my English class when the intercom squeaked on and they were going to announce to the school all of the Sterling Scholar winners for that year.

My name was not called.

I lost. I was not chosen to be the dance Sterling Scholar.

I found out later that the judges were having a hard time deciding who to give the award to. What their final decision came down to was that her GPA was 0.01 points higher than mine. So she won.

I was devastated. I had worked so hard and long for this. I felt like I deserved this award. I sat there in class trying to hold myself together as I felt the pain of the loss. The bell rang and it was lunch time. I knew that once lunch ended the next class was dance and I would have to face her... the girl who had won what I had wanted so badly.

I thought about what I should do. Should I get in my car and drive home and avoid her all together? Should I go but ignore her and be smug? Or should I congratulate her?

I didn't go to lunch that day. Instead I walked across the street to the grocery store and I bought a bouquet of white daisies. I came back to school and I found her sitting by her locker eating lunch. I gave her the flowers and a big hug and told her congratulations. It hurt. I was very happy for her but very sad for me that I was not the one chosen for this. I felt (a little bit) better after this. I was grateful that even though I was so upset about losing, that I was able to think of her and to congratulate her and celebrate her victory with her, even though it was hard for me.

That was 12 years ago. In my adult life I have found that there have been many situations where I've needed to give hugs and congratulations and pass out some white daisies so to speak. Times where I have longed for something so badly, but it doesn't happen for me.

I found myself this week in yet another situation... where it was necessary to put on a smile, say congratulations, give a hug (and an imaginary bouquet of white daisies) and then go along my way. It hurts. It never gets easier, but I know that it is necessary. I gave my congratulations and hug to my dear friend who knew that what she had just told me was a shock and must have hurt. It was a shock to her as well, something that she was not planning either. "Thanks for being brave, I'm trying to be brave too, " she said as our parting words.

As I got into my car I let myself feel the pain. I try to hold it together in front of people but I never deny myself the right to work through my emotions when I feel them. I offered up a prayer of sorts to my Heavenly Father,  Why? Really? Is this some kind of a joke? Why her and not me? Why never me?

As soon as I had offered up the prayer I received my answer. It wasn't the answer that I was expecting, rather it was the answer to a prayer that I had uttered 12 years before.

Why her Heavenly Father? Why not me? I worked so hard for this! Why not me?

This is why. This is why she won and not you.

I had not thought of this situation in years and years yet suddenly it was fresh in my mind. Life moved on from high school and it really didn't matter that I was not chosen to be the Sterling Scholar for Dance. Or did it?

It suddenly made perfect sense to me. This is why I was not chosen for that award. My life has gone in a way that there have been many opportunities where I have had to be told no. Not now. Nope. It's not your turn. And pass out bouquet after bouquet of daisies. I needed to learn back then how to be this type of person. How to be happy for others even when they have what you long to have. This is why.

I was suddenly filled with gratitude for not winning the scholarship I so longed for in high school. I realized that I had won a far greater prize, I had learned a lesson that day at lunch time in a crowded hallway with a simple bouquet of daisies that I have had to use over and over again. Had I won that award, it would have really done nothing that remarkable for my adult life.

But not winning, has made all the difference in the world.

Post written November 2012

Bread or Baby?

 

Hi my name is Meg... and it's been 14 days since I've had a baked treat.

And that last treat was a pumpkin chocolate chip cookie...

I grabbed it on my way out the door to my appointment. I had every intention of eating a good breakfast that morning, but time got away from me and I needed to grab something quick to make it there on time. I finished it before I even left the neighborhood. I almost turned around to go get the other two that I'd left on the counter but I knew if I did I would be late. So I did not... and I completely regret that now.

I had been told a few months before upon the confirmation of my PCOS that I needed to change my diet. But I had put it off. It was birthday season after all. And turns out I'm a complete emotional eater and took up quite the Dr. Pepper habit after my ectopic pregnancy in August. Every day I said, "tomorrow I will eat better" but it never happened.

Laying back on the hard table having an ultrasound done to see the state of my poor ovary the need for this change was confirmed. My midwife said, "Good news, your ovary is back to normal. But it's very polycystic. We need to make some major changes here to help you have a baby."

Then she said something that no health care provider has ever said to me before.

"How's your weight and eating going? {flipping through her notes}. You've gained 3 lbs since I saw you two months ago. You haven't changed your diet yet have you?"

I told her what I believed to be true. That I felt like I was completely addicted to sugar. I eat it everyday. I feel like I'm addicted to crack (not that I know what that would be like but I'm sure it's close).

Then we had the conversation that immediately got me off of this sugary substance...

"No more. You can't do it. Sugar is so hard on your body, especially on girls with PCOS. You need to cut all sugar. No honey, no agave. Nothing baked. No bread. No potatoes. No starchy foods whatsoever. You also need to be eating protein four times a day. Oh... and no cheating. This is not a diet to lose weight, you have to do this everyday. You don't get a cheat day or a cheat meal... this is everyday."

Next week is Halloween... I dared to mutter.

"You're right! And then Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and Valentines Day... then throw in all the birthday's that happen. There is never a good time of the year to make a change like this. You have to do it right now. Today. This second."

 I looked her in the eye and said, "Okay, this is it. No more."

I'm not sure what it was that flipped the switch for me, but I really did decide in that minute that I was going to completely change my diet and see if this will work. There are lots of things that we are trying right now to help me get pregnant, but this is one thing that rests completely on my shoulders. Every time I open my mouth and eat food I say to myself:

"Do you want bread, or a baby?"
"Do you want a donut, or a baby?"
"Do you want pop, or a baby?"

Baby has won out every single time.

I'm so grateful that I had a full five days of doing this before the first Halloween party hit. It was hard, standing there looking at the delicious spread on the table and not being able to eat a single thing. I almost cried tears of joy when my sister in law came in with a plate of deviled eggs (thank you Nicole!!!) and I was finally able to eat something that wouldn't be cheating.

Halloween was fine. I am still in awe that I sat around our house for days with candy everywhere and did not take a single bite. I love candy. But I want a baby more. It really took about a week and now I am not tempted at all to eat these things.

Something else I feel I need to mention. I pray. A lot. I pray that I will be able to resist food temptations. That I will be able to stick with this and eat healthy. I think that has made a world of difference as I've gone through this change.

So here's the deal. Girls with PCOS have higher levels of a male hormone (androgen's) which causes them to not ovulate, have irregular periods, gain weight, have acne... etc, etc. There is also a link to insulin resistance which they think causes this hormone problem. So eating a low glycemic diet and taking a diabetic medication (yep... on that too) is suppose to help girls like me get pregnant.

I've bought a book called The Glycemic Index for Dummies and now that I've learned a little bit more about it it's not so bad. For example, I can have dark chocolate!!! Hallelujah! At the end of the day when I've been super good all day and eaten what I'm suppose to I get a tablespoon of peanut butter and cover it in dark chocolate chips. It's pure heaven people.

As of today I am even down 7 lbs. The weight is literally melting off. This weight I've been carrying for three years is melting away!!! And to think this is all because of bread and sugar!?! Insane...

I've always tried to eat healthy, and I thought that I was being healthy by eating whole wheat bread. I ate a lot of bread. For breakfast I used to have whole wheat toast with peanut butter and fruit. Lunch, a sandwich. Dinner a lot of the time would be whole wheat pasta or something in a whole wheat tortilla. Turns out whole wheat is just as bad as white when it comes to raising your insulin levels. I had no clue. It makes me sad to think that this could be part of what has kept us from having more kids in the last 1 1/2 years. Something as "healthy" as whole wheat bread...

I've always been against diets that make you cut out food groups (like the Atkin's diet). So I just want to clarify that I am not cutting out carbs. I'm just cutting out carbs that have a high glycemic index. I still eat oatmeal and brown rice daily. I eat quinoa. I've made naan with spelt (a low GI grain). So I am not cutting all carbs. Our bodies need carbs, so I'm learning about what ones I can have and what I can't.

I realize that this might not be a "cure all" for me, but we're giving it a shot. And even if I'm not able to have a baby this will make me healthier, help me lose weight, and hopefully help me be a better mom and wife for my family.

So I'm saying goodbye to my runs through the McDonald's drive through to get a Dr. Pepper. Goodbye york peppermint patties that jump into my pile of groceries on the conveyor belt at the grocery store. Goodbye whole wheat bread. Goodbye Twix. Goodbye my beloved pumpkin chocolate chip cookies... Goodbye, and good riddance!

photo from here