Virtual Book Tour for The Gift of Giving Life...

This guest post today is a stop on the Virtual Book Tour for The Gift of Giving Life and I'm honored to be a part of it!

I wrote a review of this book here over the summer when I first read it. I love recommending this book to my friends and family members who are having babies and I love hearing the different insights that they gain from it.

I've been thinking the last little while about what it really is that makes me love this book so much. And there is a line from the hymn As Sister's in Zion that keeps coming back to me...

The errand of angels is given to women.

In my experience of having babies, losing babies, bed rest, infertility, and postpartum recovery I have been so very, very blessed by many angels. Sometimes it's been friends who are near and dear to me and other times it's been women who have come out of the woodwork and been absolute miracles in my life. There have also been some very sacred times where it has been women spirits who I can not see but I have felt their calming influence as I've gone on my own journey of womanhood and motherhood.

When I had my first son I had just moved to Las Vegas and really did not have any friends or family around. I remember being completely unprepared for childbirth and feeling incredibly alone. To demonstrate how unprepared I was I remember driving to the hospital because I was going to be induced (sure why not!) and thinking, "Well, I'm not sure how this is really going to go down but somehow I will leave with a baby in my arms." And I did leave with a baby in my arms after having a C-section, which had never even crossed my mind as a possibility. No one in my family had ever had a C-section so why would I? Little did I know then that a C-section has less to do with family history and more to do with the interventions that happened during my labor. (Just for the record...I'm not sharing these thoughts because I think C-sections are bad, they definitely have their place! But this was my reaction and feelings to having one for my first birth experience). I remember going into recovery and calling my sister on the phone and just sobbing to her about how upset I was that this had happened. My sweet sister sobbed with me. I will never forget that moment, and that she had empathized with me and helped me shoulder that sadness in my first few moments as a mother.

 I stayed in the hospital for four days without a single visitor other than my husband. I felt very, very alone. On the final day of my stay my one friend in town came by to see my baby. I was so grateful for her being there! I was grateful to have another female to be with me. Another mom who was there for support. She was an angel to me that day.

Not only had I not really mentally prepared for child birth as I should have, I didn't really spiritually prepare either. I had an easy pregnancy and possibly felt like I didn't really need to call on my Father in Heaven so much to prepare for this role in life because things were humming along so well. Isn't it interesting how sometimes it's when things are harder in life that we really turn to the Lord, but when things are pretty easy we feel a little more independent from our Father?

The birth of my second son was very different. I had problems from the very beginning. I had a wild and crazy one year old boy running a muck in the house while I was on bed rest for four months. Prayer was a constant for me. Petitions that this boy would be okay, that I would be able to carry him to term and things would work out. Women that I did not know started trickling into my life. Meals, offering to take my son for an afternoon... I almost didn't know how to react because I had been so independent in doing it all by myself for so long. Unfortunately at 21 weeks my water broke and my body could no longer support this pregnancy or this tiny boy. We went to the hospital and labor started soon after. It was only myself and my husband who were in the room when this little boy was born. The hospital staff was off preparing for a C-section (since I had one already...) when he made his entrance into this world. But as I laid on the bed and saw our one pound baby boy I realized that the room was filled. I could feel that my bed was surrounded by female spirits. I think back to that moment as one of the most sacred moments in my life. That at one of the darkest hours in my existence, one where I would birth my son alive and then watch him die... that I would not be alone. I am so grateful for those women. I'm not sure who they are (though I have a few guesses) but I look forward to the day that I can give them a hug and say thank you for being there for me. I'm grateful that I was able to feel the errand of those heavenly angels.

Eight months ago I was able to give birth to a third son. This boy comes after four years of sadness, heartache, illness, and road block after road block of trying to grow our family. He is my sweet rainbow baby and I am so grateful for him. I had longed for another baby for so long and many times I felt like this longing would never be fulfilled. I spent the entire time of my pregnancy preparing for his coming. I did all that I could do to prepare for a VBAC. I prepared by finding a health care provider whom I trusted and believed would help me on this journey. I prepared each day with my hypno-babies sound tracks. I prepared by reading The Gift of Giving Life, and for the first time tried to really encompass and understand just how spiritual a birth could be. That I was being blessed with an amazing gift, to be a woman and to be a mother, and I did not want to take this for granted in any way. I prepared by gathering my tribe of women around me who knew what I had been through and would take this journey with me and help give me strength. I was so very blessed to have found a few amazing women who have become some of my closest friends. I believe that Heavenly Father placed these women in my life because he knew that they would be the angels that would rejoice with me in this great miracle.

One of these angels was my dear friend Rachelle (who is Robyn's sister, one of the co-authors of The Gift of Giving Life). She was able to be my doula for this birth. Another was my friend Sacha who is one of the most joyful people I have ever met. These two ladies wanted to give me a mother's blessingway to prepare for the birth. I wasn't really sure about it (I had never been to one before) but they insisted! Timing wasn't working out with finding a date to do the blessingway and we almost pushed it back to right by my due date. But Sacha insisted that we do it soon! So at 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant we had a very small and intimate night with some of the angels that had been surrounding me during this pregnancy. I've never felt so spoiled by love and friendship before. We spent the night eating yummy healthy food, honoring motherhood and celebrating this little spirit that would be entering the world. Each lady brought a bead or charm to make me a birthing necklace. We all cried as the wishes and blessing that went with the beads were read. Each one was so personal to me and it made me feel so much strength and faith.

The very next day I was admitted to the hospital for some complications. And at 35 weeks and 6 days I was able to give birth to my sweet baby boy (birth story here). I didn't have time to pack a hospital bag, so Rachelle stopped by my house and grabbed a few necessary items that I wanted for the birth. She grabbed all the beads and charms that I had been gifted and put them on a chain and I was able to wear it when I delivered my boy.

my mess of charms around my neck as I first met my new son...

 

Once again I felt a heavenly presence in the room as I gave birth to this boy as I had been feeling in the weeks that lead to this birth. Women who had been helping me prepare spiritually and physically from their heavenly home for this event to take place. I loved wearing my birth necklace and felt strength and love as I thought of my friends who were praying for us and eager to be a part of this time in our life. Many woman helped me recover from this difficult birth by bringing meals, taking my older boy, sort through baby clothes, supply us with diapers, wipes, baby clothes, essential oils for healing for months (I still have yet to buy a pack of wipes for this baby). We have been surrounded and carried by women who were busy with their errands for us...

 

I have learned so much in the births of my three boys. But one of the greatest lessons that I learned is that by opening my heart and home to some amazing women, my life has been greatly blessed. I don't have to be alone on this road of motherhood. Heavenly Father has given us the gift of sisterhood to help us all through this calling.

 

 

 

.... and this is a gift that as sisters we claim.

 

As much as I have been blessed by many angels I hope to be able to be an angel in the lives of others when they are in need of my support and my love.

 

So again, back to why I love this book so much... it's the errand of the women who put this book together. It's the stories that are shared that remind us that whatever our situation is Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother love us and are so mindful of us. That wherever we are in our lives as women we don't have to feel alone. However we come to picking up this book and thumbing through the pages we can feel the love of our Heavenly Father and the reminder of our amazing calling as women on this earth. We can find stories of others who have walked similar paths to ours and remember just how amazing and miraculous our bodies are in bringing children into the world.

 

"The errand of angels is given to women; and this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim: to do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name."

** Read more about Mother Centered Baby Showers (pg. 155) and Surrounded by Angels (pg. 171) in The Gift of Giving Life.
 

Thank you for visiting my little space here today! Visit the Gift of Giving Life Virtual Book Tour page for a chance to win some great pregnancy/birth/baby-related prizes!  

 

 

Ground Hog's Day... Meg style...

"Well my dear... there it is. You've popped another subchorionic hemorrhage."

It was the second ultrasound I had with my midwife since discovering I was pregnant. At 5 1/2 weeks I started spotting. Great, after all this waiting and work I'm going to miscarry this baby, I thought. But it came and went... and came again. One thing that I have learned in my experience with bleeding in early pregnancy is that there isn't much that can be done. So instead of rushing in to see what was going on, I waited to see what happened. After a whole week and a half I went in at 7 weeks to see my midwife. At that point I figured I wasn't having a miscarriage but I was worried about having another ectopic. The ultrasound showed that I had one tiny little baby growing in my uterus, no ectopic. But still no sign as to why I was bleeding. My midwife wanted me to come back in a week to check things out and see how the baby was doing. So there I was, at 8 weeks being told the news... another subchorionic hemorrhage.

This is what happened when I was pregnant with Clayton. This is the reason why we lost our second baby. From what I understand it is bleeding that happens between the placenta and the uterine wall. If the bleed or clot gets large enough it can cause the placenta to tear or tear away from the uterine wall. They usually clear up on their own and aren't a big deal. But sometimes they don't heal, they get worse, and can cause major problems. Such as losing a baby.

"You know what this means. No exercise, no heavy lifting, and no sex." She said as she made an X with her fingers. "Be sure to tell your husband." I really wanted my last appointment with my midwife to be different. She no longer follows pregnant patients, just helps them get pregnant and passes them onto someone else. After all, this woman had given us a gift that we were not able to give ourselves. She was able to figure out what we needed to do to have another baby. But all I could think of was how I had already buried a baby because of one of these... and I wasn't able to give her the thanks that she deserved. I couldn't stop looking at the black hole residing right next to my baby.

I've been told many times by multiple doctors that this is something that happens totally randomly. It is not because of the structure of my uterus, or because of anything that I did or didn't do. It just happens sometimes. It's very rare for it to happen in subsequent pregnancies.

I was pretty upset by this news. I understand that it is rare to lose a baby from this. But I've been in that "rare" category before. I went out to the car where my husband was waiting and told him the news. He was quiet for a minute and said, "Well, I guess we should sign up for Netflix again." And that we did ;).

As the snow piled up around my house this winter, I sat inside and hibernated on my couch. Can you believe that in all the snow we got I did not shovel any snow? My poor husband, his winter consisted of working long hours at his job, and then coming home to shovel piles and piles of snow while his wife sat on the couch and watched two seasons of Sister Wives... and then some. It just wasn't worth the risk... nothing was.

Thankfully, my bleeding never got as bad this time as it had with Clayton. I bled until about week 11 and then it stopped. I've now had 5 whole weeks without any spotting or bleeding. With Clayton I started bleeding at 8 weeks and bled until he was born at 21 weeks (sorry if you didn't want to read about bleeding today, I'm trying to keep it tame). I'm feeling very blessed. I'm still not doing anything too strenuous, but I have started going on walks now that the days are so lovely around here. And I'm planning on starting up some prenatal yoga so that I can move my body again.

I sort of feel like I'm living in the twilight zone... or ground hog's day. My due date with this baby is 2 weeks before I was due with Clayton, and then I end up with the same problem that I had with Clayton... and they are both little boys. I feel like I am living through the same situation again. I'm not sure why this has happened the way that it has, but I do know a few things...

 I know that I am thrilled to be pregnant. I'm so excited to be having a little boy. I'm grateful to be at 16 weeks right now and will most likely be holding my breath until this baby gets here. That I will be able to breath, sleep, relax a little better once I make it to 24 weeks which is the time that babies can be viable if they are born at that point. That it is hard to be pregnant again after losing a baby. That every single thing makes me super anxious and doubtful that this is really going to happen. That even though I am overjoyed that this is finally happening for us, I am terrified.

"Everything is going to be okay" was shouted in my dream. I keep repeating that in my head. Half the battle was getting pregnant, but half the battle is also being pregnant. I knew it would be hard to be pregnant again after what happened last time, but I've been a little surprised as to how hard it has been. Things that I haven't thought about in the 4 years that have passed since I was in this situation with Clayton have been brought right to the surface. Hard, scary, terrifying things. But also peace. I felt peace when I had that tiny boy, and I feel peace now. I just don't always understand what peace means, and that scares me (does that even make sense?). Maybe I've needed a year and a half of believing that everything would be okay, set on repeat in my mind, to make it through this time.

So, that's how things have been going. I've been really hesitant to talk about being pregnant because I have had such mixed emotions about it with everything that's been going on. But one thing that my sister in law pointed out to me is that even if things weren't to work out (which they are by the way, they are going to be just fine) I need support from my friends and family. And I am so grateful to have such great support. That after talking about wanting another baby for so long, people are understanding that I am suddenly scared out of my mind.

I have rockstar friends. Seriously, I don't know how I got so lucky. I have awesome girls who are keeping tabs on me and checking up on me all the time who truly get it. And they mean the world to me (if you think I'm talking about YOU then I probably am). And I am grateful to be going through this journey with each of them as they show me what support, patience, friendship, and love really means.

And the payoff is going to be when after four crazy hard years, we are all going to meet a miracle boy who is going to finally be in my arms, and fill this hole in my heart.

Everything is going to be okay...

Leap...

+

I've been thinking a lot about faith lately. How we need to actually have times in life where we need to exercise our faith in order for it to grow and become stronger.

Moving back home to Utah was a really scary thought for me. I knew that we wanted to move back, but just because you want something doesn't mean it's the best decision or what you should do. I knew that my husband really, really wanted to move back, but there was so much at risk... this was not a decision that I could make or do just based on want.

So I did what I usually do in situations such as this. I prayed. I prayed a lot. I prayed that if this was what we should do that I would know it, somehow. My answer came the first weekend in September. I was driving up to central Utah to go camping with my in laws. My boy was asleep in the back of the car and I was longingly gazing at the beautiful mountains around me. Is it time to come back? I wondered and prayed for the thousandth time....

Yes, I felt it throughout my whole being.

Yes it was time. This was what we needed to do. And somehow, all the little details of life would work out so that we could.

Coming back was a path of great resistance. We both had jobs in Vegas, something we did not have up in Utah. My husband was even offered an amazing nursing job in Vegas, straight out of school {I haven't told this to very many people, because then I just feel like we are super crazy}. He turned it down. When he told me he turned it down I felt really good about that decision. Somehow this was all going to work out, I just didn't know how. Trent was delayed in taking his nursing licensure test by two whole months due to misplaced paperwork. At the time this felt like huge problem, but in those two months we were able to save up enough money with both of us working for us to live on when we got here. That money lasted us until last week when he started his new job. Huge blessing. We also needed to sell our little condo that was worth half of what we had bought it for 3 years earlier due to the housing crash in Vegas. We waited till August to put it up on the market and attempt to short sale it. We had an offer two days later, in cash, for our asking price. We still had to do a short sale, but it was not as bad as I feared it would be. Our closing papers came as we were driving the moving truck up to Utah... I miss my cute little place, but it worked out for the best. One of my biggest hold ups... health insurance. Hello!?! I'm in remission for cancer, and leaving my job meant I would lose coverage. Have faith Meg, have faith. This was the biggest pill for me to swallow, and like everything else... this too has fallen into place and we were able to keep me covered until new insurance started. It's been a blessing to watch these small and simple miracles take place as we've made this transition in our lives.

In my mind we needed to have a job before we made the move, but as I realized this was not going to happen I also realized that sometimes we can't see how things are going to work out. If we did, then it wouldn't be required for us to have faith. I had my confirmation that this was the right thing for us, and now I needed to put my trust and faith in that we would be taken care of, somehow, some way...

I wish I could say that I had perfect faith through this process but I did not. So many times I said, maybe we did the wrong thing... we should have stayed in Vegas... things are not going to work out. My poor husband. I don't know how he stands my wavering faith. But he does, and for that I'm grateful.

As I have sat back these last three months since we made the move I have been in complete awe as to how everything has worked out. Trent would not have been able to get the job he did get if we had still been down in Vegas, sending in applications online. The little details of our lives that have been thrown up in the air are all falling back into place right where they need to be.

I'm grateful for this experience and what it has taught me. There were lots of people who I'm sure thought we were totally crazy for doing this, at this time, in this economy... but it was right for us. Every day I feel great peace in knowing that we made the right move for our family.

I still miss Las Vegas everyday... I miss my friends, I miss my amazing job and co-workers, I miss the warm winter, I miss our jewish grandma that we adopted, I miss my ward, I miss teaching lessons in Relief Society, I miss being able to walk to Target whenever I pleased, I miss my life down there. But I know that I'm where I need to be now. I know that this is where we want to raise our little boy. I know that we will be blessed for doing what we felt was right... we already have been. I'm grateful that we were able to take that leap, and that the landing has been wonderful.

I'm excited for this next step in life... whatever it may be, and am grateful that I am able to take it at home, with my family and friends by my side. I'm thankful that my faith has been strengthened through this process, and hopefully next time I'm required to leap I can do it without hesitation.

... and happy leap day by the way...

Happiness...

I've been feeling a little down lately. I know that happiness is a choice and regardless of our circumstances we have the choice of how we will react and what our attitude is. But I still find myself having a hard time being happy when life feels so so so hard.

We finally had a great lead on a job for my husband. One that would be so perfect for him and our family. It was looking like things were going to work out and they seemed to really like him. But as the weekend approached the story changed, and it's not looking so hopeful anymore. I'm pretty heartbroken about it.

That among a few other mountains standing directly in front of me have left me feeling pretty sad. I'm trying hard to reach deep and find some joy in my heart to buoy up my spirits.

Despite taking a few steps back this weekend we went on a little excursion with our family, and found ourselves at the base of a volcano. It was a beautiful day, with blue skies and the warm sun shining down on us. And I think for about one hour this weekend I just soaked up the world around me and left my worries at the head of the trail. We took our nieces and nephews up the volcano.

We started out the hike pushing my triplet nieces and nephew in the stroller but soon found it would be much easier to carry them. I have to say I've never hiked while carrying a baby before. It was wonderful!

We left the babies and my sister's in law when the hike became more of a hike than a walk, and my husband and I took the other 5 kids up to the top.

Here we are at the top! When I saw this picture I thought, "Wow... look how happy I am!" and I was. I haven't been hiking in a long time which is something that I really love to do. Spending time outside doing something physical with the sun shining down on you really is healing to ones soul.

My goal is to make this smiling face the norm around here, not the rare exception. My plan is to spend the day counting my blessings and finding joy in my life instead of dwelling on the setbacks. To try to view the way things work out as a redirection to something that could be even better. Here is my list so far...

1- My husband remains so positive regardless of discouragement which is such a blessing. He is my rock.
2- He did start a temporary nursing job today which is such a huge blessing. It's just for a short time and doesn't offer any type of benefits but it will give him experience and it's something!
3- My in laws are rockstars and I'm pretty sure I owe them my life for how much they have helped us.
4- That I have a spunky little boy who climbed into bed with me today and told me he thinks blankets should be called "huggy buggies" and asked for a gorilla cheese sandwich for lunch.
5- That we are all healthy.
6- That my hair gets longer everyday.
7- The knowledge that I can "cast my burdens on the Lord and trust in his constant care" which I am trying to do everyday.

Here's to hope... and happiness.

The craft of baby making...

Stealing a kiss from my {not so little} boy...

I layed in bed with this little boy yesterday... nap time. Naps are always better when mom is there.

I don't take naps with the boy very often, but I caved this day. It was his birthday after all.

Every now and then when I give in to the pleading I usually just stay until he falls asleep and then try to sneak out to go do my own thing. But this time he had wrapped his little arm around mine and I was sort of stuck there. So I stayed.

As I layed there I tried to remember what it was like 4 years ago when I held him for the first time. It was a hard day, after laboring for 20 hours and pushing for 2 before being wheeled into surgery for an unexpected c-section. I had never thought that I would ever have a c-section... I don't know why. My mom or sister hadn't had a c-section, why would I? Needless to say it was a rough day. A rough day, that was one of the best in my life. Because I became a mom.

I had tried for a year to get pregnant with this boy. At the time I didn't understand why we couldn't get pregnant. What was wrong with me? Why did it seem that everyone else was able to get pregnant so easily and I couldn't? I realize now the wonderful design of Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful now that I have a four year old. Not a five or six year old, but a four year old. That he was so little when we went through that crazy time in our lives. Too little to know anything, but how to give hugs and kisses. Too little to be influenced by the worries of adults, that he was just a sweet, innocent two year old who smothered his mom with love. This little boy who is so full of love... saved me. He saved my life. Though drugs and potions could spare my physical body for now, he spared my heart.

I'm grateful now that he is four. That he has two years before he will start kindergarten having that late birthday that he has. That hopefully I will be able to stay home with him soon and spend some much longed for time with him before he has to grow up a bit and go to school.

As I layed there with my sweet boy I thanked my Heavenly Father once again that I get to be his mother. And I thanked him for giving him to me when he did... not when I thought it was a great time to have a baby, but when he knew it was the right time for me to have a baby.

I've been thinking about the craft of baby making recently. Some women are able to have babies any time they "want", and have perfectly spaced out children whenever they feel the time is right for them. Other women can't help but get pregnant, and are swimming in a sea of kids because they just keep coming one after the other. Other women have a hard time getting pregnant, they can't get pregnant when they want to. Pay lots of money and spend so much time and energy into trying to grow their family which sometimes works and sometimes... doesn't.

I think that most women would like to fall into the "get pregnant when they want to" category. However, if that's how it worked out all the time for everyone... if we all were just able to have children whenever we wanted to... where does God come into the picture? Where does faith come in? Because it's really not about us. It's really not about when it works out for our "timing", but it's about his timing. It's not about making sure they are each in a separate grade, or that this year we could use a better deductible on our taxes, or that we want to run a marathon before we have another one. Or that our car seat is going to expire so we should fit one more it there... It's about his timing.

And sometimes his timing works out much better for us than our timing would have. But we don't know that until we see it down the road. I really loved this talk from conference, I really spoke to me at this time in my life.

I'm really trying to embrace this right now. And the more I think about it, the more it makes perfect sense. In those moments when I feel sad because I want to have more babies... now, I will remember the beautiful four year old that I do have, and had exactly when it was "right".

Post written October 17, 2011