Knit mermaid tail...

My dear friend had a baby girl this summer. She lives by the beach is sort of a mermaid herself ;). So it was only fitting that this new baby have a mermaid tail too. I used this pattern and really loved how it turned out.

This is by far one of the largest items that I've knitted before. Hopefully I get the chance to make another one like this someday, it was really fun.

And here is the sweet little mermaid herself, modeling her new tail!

Virtual Book Tour for The Gift of Giving Life...

This guest post today is a stop on the Virtual Book Tour for The Gift of Giving Life and I'm honored to be a part of it!

I wrote a review of this book here over the summer when I first read it. I love recommending this book to my friends and family members who are having babies and I love hearing the different insights that they gain from it.

I've been thinking the last little while about what it really is that makes me love this book so much. And there is a line from the hymn As Sister's in Zion that keeps coming back to me...

The errand of angels is given to women.

In my experience of having babies, losing babies, bed rest, infertility, and postpartum recovery I have been so very, very blessed by many angels. Sometimes it's been friends who are near and dear to me and other times it's been women who have come out of the woodwork and been absolute miracles in my life. There have also been some very sacred times where it has been women spirits who I can not see but I have felt their calming influence as I've gone on my own journey of womanhood and motherhood.

When I had my first son I had just moved to Las Vegas and really did not have any friends or family around. I remember being completely unprepared for childbirth and feeling incredibly alone. To demonstrate how unprepared I was I remember driving to the hospital because I was going to be induced (sure why not!) and thinking, "Well, I'm not sure how this is really going to go down but somehow I will leave with a baby in my arms." And I did leave with a baby in my arms after having a C-section, which had never even crossed my mind as a possibility. No one in my family had ever had a C-section so why would I? Little did I know then that a C-section has less to do with family history and more to do with the interventions that happened during my labor. (Just for the record...I'm not sharing these thoughts because I think C-sections are bad, they definitely have their place! But this was my reaction and feelings to having one for my first birth experience). I remember going into recovery and calling my sister on the phone and just sobbing to her about how upset I was that this had happened. My sweet sister sobbed with me. I will never forget that moment, and that she had empathized with me and helped me shoulder that sadness in my first few moments as a mother.

 I stayed in the hospital for four days without a single visitor other than my husband. I felt very, very alone. On the final day of my stay my one friend in town came by to see my baby. I was so grateful for her being there! I was grateful to have another female to be with me. Another mom who was there for support. She was an angel to me that day.

Not only had I not really mentally prepared for child birth as I should have, I didn't really spiritually prepare either. I had an easy pregnancy and possibly felt like I didn't really need to call on my Father in Heaven so much to prepare for this role in life because things were humming along so well. Isn't it interesting how sometimes it's when things are harder in life that we really turn to the Lord, but when things are pretty easy we feel a little more independent from our Father?

The birth of my second son was very different. I had problems from the very beginning. I had a wild and crazy one year old boy running a muck in the house while I was on bed rest for four months. Prayer was a constant for me. Petitions that this boy would be okay, that I would be able to carry him to term and things would work out. Women that I did not know started trickling into my life. Meals, offering to take my son for an afternoon... I almost didn't know how to react because I had been so independent in doing it all by myself for so long. Unfortunately at 21 weeks my water broke and my body could no longer support this pregnancy or this tiny boy. We went to the hospital and labor started soon after. It was only myself and my husband who were in the room when this little boy was born. The hospital staff was off preparing for a C-section (since I had one already...) when he made his entrance into this world. But as I laid on the bed and saw our one pound baby boy I realized that the room was filled. I could feel that my bed was surrounded by female spirits. I think back to that moment as one of the most sacred moments in my life. That at one of the darkest hours in my existence, one where I would birth my son alive and then watch him die... that I would not be alone. I am so grateful for those women. I'm not sure who they are (though I have a few guesses) but I look forward to the day that I can give them a hug and say thank you for being there for me. I'm grateful that I was able to feel the errand of those heavenly angels.

Eight months ago I was able to give birth to a third son. This boy comes after four years of sadness, heartache, illness, and road block after road block of trying to grow our family. He is my sweet rainbow baby and I am so grateful for him. I had longed for another baby for so long and many times I felt like this longing would never be fulfilled. I spent the entire time of my pregnancy preparing for his coming. I did all that I could do to prepare for a VBAC. I prepared by finding a health care provider whom I trusted and believed would help me on this journey. I prepared each day with my hypno-babies sound tracks. I prepared by reading The Gift of Giving Life, and for the first time tried to really encompass and understand just how spiritual a birth could be. That I was being blessed with an amazing gift, to be a woman and to be a mother, and I did not want to take this for granted in any way. I prepared by gathering my tribe of women around me who knew what I had been through and would take this journey with me and help give me strength. I was so very blessed to have found a few amazing women who have become some of my closest friends. I believe that Heavenly Father placed these women in my life because he knew that they would be the angels that would rejoice with me in this great miracle.

One of these angels was my dear friend Rachelle (who is Robyn's sister, one of the co-authors of The Gift of Giving Life). She was able to be my doula for this birth. Another was my friend Sacha who is one of the most joyful people I have ever met. These two ladies wanted to give me a mother's blessingway to prepare for the birth. I wasn't really sure about it (I had never been to one before) but they insisted! Timing wasn't working out with finding a date to do the blessingway and we almost pushed it back to right by my due date. But Sacha insisted that we do it soon! So at 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant we had a very small and intimate night with some of the angels that had been surrounding me during this pregnancy. I've never felt so spoiled by love and friendship before. We spent the night eating yummy healthy food, honoring motherhood and celebrating this little spirit that would be entering the world. Each lady brought a bead or charm to make me a birthing necklace. We all cried as the wishes and blessing that went with the beads were read. Each one was so personal to me and it made me feel so much strength and faith.

The very next day I was admitted to the hospital for some complications. And at 35 weeks and 6 days I was able to give birth to my sweet baby boy (birth story here). I didn't have time to pack a hospital bag, so Rachelle stopped by my house and grabbed a few necessary items that I wanted for the birth. She grabbed all the beads and charms that I had been gifted and put them on a chain and I was able to wear it when I delivered my boy.

my mess of charms around my neck as I first met my new son...

 

Once again I felt a heavenly presence in the room as I gave birth to this boy as I had been feeling in the weeks that lead to this birth. Women who had been helping me prepare spiritually and physically from their heavenly home for this event to take place. I loved wearing my birth necklace and felt strength and love as I thought of my friends who were praying for us and eager to be a part of this time in our life. Many woman helped me recover from this difficult birth by bringing meals, taking my older boy, sort through baby clothes, supply us with diapers, wipes, baby clothes, essential oils for healing for months (I still have yet to buy a pack of wipes for this baby). We have been surrounded and carried by women who were busy with their errands for us...

 

I have learned so much in the births of my three boys. But one of the greatest lessons that I learned is that by opening my heart and home to some amazing women, my life has been greatly blessed. I don't have to be alone on this road of motherhood. Heavenly Father has given us the gift of sisterhood to help us all through this calling.

 

 

 

.... and this is a gift that as sisters we claim.

 

As much as I have been blessed by many angels I hope to be able to be an angel in the lives of others when they are in need of my support and my love.

 

So again, back to why I love this book so much... it's the errand of the women who put this book together. It's the stories that are shared that remind us that whatever our situation is Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother love us and are so mindful of us. That wherever we are in our lives as women we don't have to feel alone. However we come to picking up this book and thumbing through the pages we can feel the love of our Heavenly Father and the reminder of our amazing calling as women on this earth. We can find stories of others who have walked similar paths to ours and remember just how amazing and miraculous our bodies are in bringing children into the world.

 

"The errand of angels is given to women; and this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim: to do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name."

** Read more about Mother Centered Baby Showers (pg. 155) and Surrounded by Angels (pg. 171) in The Gift of Giving Life.
 

Thank you for visiting my little space here today! Visit the Gift of Giving Life Virtual Book Tour page for a chance to win some great pregnancy/birth/baby-related prizes!  

 

 

Two gifts...

I saw my cousin Heather recently at her little brother's wedding reception which was really great since I haven't seen her in years and years (we've both taken our turns living out of Utah). She totally surprised me and knocked my socks off with one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received. Well... see for yourself...

She made me this darling custom floor mat for Baby Gray! Holy smokes! I was really touched by this. As someone who also likes to make handmade gifts I was just blown away at the detail and the amount of time I'm sure it took her to do this. And the tree with the initials and birds nest!! Right up my alley...

 

Seriously, I feel very undeserving of such a gift. But whether I deserve it or not... we have been loving it!

She told me that she started it when I was pregnant with Clayton. Then when we lost him she put it away and held onto it for all these years until we announced we were expecting again. That made me get all teary, knowing that she had started it for him and finished it for this baby. Thank you again Heather, so very very much!

Heather also gave me a second gift that night that I don't know if she was aware she was even giving to me. You see, we got into a little argument around the time that Baby Gray was born. I think it's fair to say that we never "came around" to the other persons point of view. We both sort of stood our ground and didn't see eye to eye and we both left that situation with our feelings hurt. I had not seen Heather for years but really I hadn't talked to her much since this situation happened. I was excited to see her and meet some of her kids that I hadn't met yet, but I was also a little nervous as to how our interaction would be with this having happened.

Heather greeted me at the wedding with a smile and a hug. We sat and chit chatted for a long time. It was SO GOOD to see her! But more than that it was so good to not feel a rift in our friendship. It was such a gift to feel like it was okay, we were moving on and not going to let this dampen our relationship. That was an amazing gift that she also gave me. The gift of letting bygones be bygones. The gift of forgiveness and moving on. It was such a wonderful night and I needed that small little tender mercy in my life right then.

So thank you dear cousin, for knowing my taste so well and making this darling floor mat. Thank you for your friendship, your forgiveness, and your example.

Las Vegas...

 I've been aching to go on a road trip back down to Las Vegas for a long time now. A couple of things have happened this last month that sort of spurred a sudden road trip! One was we have a new niece along the way we wanted to meet. Also, we left our adopted 85 year old Jewish grandma Malka there when we left and we told her we would come down for a visit sometime. Trent has lost two of his grandparents in the last four months and I felt like we needed to jump on the opportunity to see her while she is still around! We also wanted to introduce our new baby to the friends that were so amazingly supportive to us while we struggled so much down there. So we decided on a Tuesday to head down on Friday! It was such a great trip! I only wish we would have had more time to see more people down there.

I've missed driving this long drive down the center of Utah. Utah really is such a beautiful place.

First stop were to play with cousins! These three followed Blue everywhere he went and loved playing with him.

Our new little niece/cousin. Blue said, "Mom I hope we get a sweet little baby like this someday..." Ummm... we did, like two months ago ;). He just loves babies!

We found out that Baby G really hates road trips and wanted to be out of his seat!!! He was super cute when we would get him out, and screamed the rest of the way there ;).

 

We only had about 24 hours in Las Vegas, so it was a really quick trip! We meet up with Malka and took her out to dinner at our favorite buffet (The Seasons at The Silverton). As we drove through our old condo complex we told Blue that this was where we lived. He didn't remember it at all! We've only been gone for two years and he was four when we moved so I thought for sure he would remember it. Nope, there was very little he actually remembered. I'm glad that he remembered the people, it's okay that he couldn't remember our old condo.

If anyone would like to adopt a wonderful grandma in Las Vegas I have one for you. She is so sweet, and we miss her a lot.

This lady moved in behind us right before I started chemo. She would bring me fruit and veggies from Trader Joe's every single week while I was sick so that I could stay "as healthy as possible". We spent all of the holiday's that we stayed in Vegas for with her. She is not an orthodox Jew (hence going to an un-kosher buffet on a Saturday night), but she is from Israel and speaks Hebrew. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met.

We didn't do what normal people who go to Vegas do ;). Our first stop was to the place my husband missed the most... Cardenas Grocery Store. He walked the aisles and was sad that we don't have this Mexican grocery store in Utah.

We went to our favorite pizza place, Manhattan Pizza, where you get a huge slice of cheese pizza for $2.79! Sadly... the pizza was not nearly as good as we remembered it being.

We reunited with some of Blue's old playmates. He really misses these boys... and I don't blame him! He hasn't yet found great friends like this up in Utah, so it was fun to play with them for a while.

 One of my favorite parts of the trip was to see some of my best friends hold my little baby and giving them huge, long overdue hugs. There are a few women who were such a huge part of my life when things were so hard. They were there for the whole thing... and they are who stood by me through the thick and the thin of it. They have seen me at my worst and pulled me up to higher ground, and I owe a lot to these ladies. There are others I could have had this moment with, but the two that I did were Crystal and Heidi. By far one of the best moments of my life was seeing them hold my little miracle boy. Thank you ladies, for being my friends and taking care of us! This was a full circle moment in my life... love you both!

 And it is no secret that I love to look at old pictures from when I was sick/bald and recreate them. I don't know why I like to do it, other than it reminds me that life goes on, and things get better. My friend Crystal had this little girl the same week that I finished chemo. When I went to meet her she had a head full of hair and I was so jealous!! Crystal requested that we take another one now... which was super fun! We now both have long hair... but I'm the only one with a natural bump-it (come on... it's totally obvious that my head is mis-shaped. Thankfully it just gives me volume now).

 

I'm so glad we were able to get away for a few days to go and do this. I miss Las Vegas a lot... mostly the good people that we met there. It really lifted my spirits to see so many wonderful people in my life. Thank you everyone for having a fun weekend with us!

My own bouquet...

I've been overwhelmed at how truly amazing people have been since we had our baby. We have been poured upon with presents, dinners, service... it has been a beautiful thing to feel so loved by so many people around us. I've just been amazed as to how giving and loving people are. We've been really blessed, and it has been so nice to be able to sit back and take care of my baby while other people have helped take care of us.

I wanted to share this sweet card that I got from my cousin after we had the baby. Sometimes the gifts that touch our hearts the most are the ones that are so simple, yet hold so much meaning. She gave me this little tiny picture...

Once upon a time I poured my heart into this post about white daisies and the meaning that they have to me. She said that she thought about getting me a bouquet of daisies but she wanted to give me one that would last. I cherish this little card of white daisies. The thing I have longed for the most for so many years is finally in my arms.

I've been on a super emotional roller coaster ride this last month. The lack of sleep, the not feeling well, recovering from the birth, and then the realization that I really do have a baby. It's been hard, but it's been so worth it. We are so grateful to have this little boy here. Sometimes I want to pinch myself, because I can't believe that it really worked out, that we really have a baby. It's been surreal.

Pieces...

My friend Michelle's little ladies...

Something interesting that has happened to me in the last few weeks is that I've found myself several times sitting at someones kitchen table. Observing their life while they make dinner, or we just talk. It's so interesting to me to peek into someones life for an afternoon. I've noticed that these short small moments have left an impression on me. Seeing how other's live their lives, care for their children, or cook their dinner. I've been picking up a few pieces from others and trying to follow suit. Such as...

:: A dear old friend that I hadn't seen in a while had me stay for dinner after she let me sort through all her baby clothes that she no longer needed. She then fed me the most amazing dinner. It was mango, black bean, and a red pepper salad on romaine lettuce boats. So simple, so healthy, and amazing. I then watched her four little boys eat the same thing. Stuffing their faces with cherry tomatoes and black beans. I must be missing something here. Not a pack of mac n' cheese in sight. I left feeling refreshed and wanting to do a lot better for my family.

:: Another friend cooked away in her bright orange and blue kitchen. I love how she pulled glass bottles of water out of her fridge, that I know she filled up in the natural spring nearby. It sounds simple, but it doesn't get more refreshing than ice cold spring water in a glass bottle. I think it's been far to long since I made a visit to that spring.

:: Another friend made homemade alfredo and grated her own parmesan cheese. I don't know that I have ever bought actual parmesan cheese that didn't come in a plastic bottle with a green lid. Her children ran around in their unders/diaper happily while mom cooked dinner.

:: Maybe one of my favorites is visiting my friend Michelle and watching our kids chase chickens out in the yard while we make dinner. Every once in a while the kids will come inside with an egg in each hand that they found in the coop to add to the pile in the fridge. She grows a big garden and is a pro at grilling zucchini for dinner that tastes divine.

I love eating with friends... it's the good company, the conversation, and peeking into their life in an intimate way. Seeing how they cook, how they multitask, how they take care of their kids and be mom for a few hours.

 I also love taking pieces of that home with me, to my house. To my family. To make our lives a little more healthy, simple, and enjoyable. It makes me wonder though what someone might take home after sitting at my table for an afternoon. What could I offer my friends without even knowing it? Maybe it's time I followed suit and invited someone to sit at my table for an afternoon...

It was just a dream...

About four years ago, just after I had my first son, I had a very impressive dream. In this dream I was attending my best friend C's wedding. We stood next to each other with our arms wrapped around each other's backs, getting our picture taken. She was wearing her beautiful white wedding gown and I had a rather large pregnant belly. The dream was so clear and so vivid I truly believed it was a premonition.

I called C the next morning and said, "It's going to happen! You are going to get married when I'm pregnant with my next baby. It's going to happen for both of us!" I was so sure that the timing of these two life altering events were going to line up so perfectly. My friend C has been through a lot in her life. I have admired her for years, but never as much as I have these last 6 1/2 that she has been a strong single mom to her beautiful little girl, waiting a hoping to meet Mr. Wonderful to share her life with.

When I became pregnant with little Clayton a year later I announced my pregnancy to her by saying, "Well, looks like you have about 6 months to get married to (current boyfriend)." She did not think that was going to happen, and sure enough it didn't. And I didn't bring home a baby either. The timing wasn't right.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer, and felt so bad to tack a few more years onto her upcoming marriage and my next baby. I was sorry, but the timing wasn't going to work out for a while.

Then the first day of 2012 came around and I got the most wonderful phone call. My friend C was engaged to the most wonderful man. She had finally found her Mr. Wonderful. I was so excited for her! She ended the conversation saying, "Looks like you have 8 months to make a baby!" I was sure it was going to happen, and felt so much hope that things were finally working out for both of us.

My friend C is getting married in a few short days. And it will be one of the happiest days in my life (and hers I'm sure). But I will not be pregnant at her wedding. Not even a little bit. No chance... at all.

Turns out... it was really just a dream.

Not a premonition. Not a vision of our lives a few years in the future. It was just a dream.

A dream that for years I have clung to for hope. A dream that I have thought about so many times, how could it not be real? A dream that got me through so many hard times when I wanted to give up any sort of hope of having another child. It wasn't real.

I'm grateful for that dream. That somewhere in my subconsciousness I've longed for these wonderful things to take place in my life and her life. I'm grateful that something was there to give me hope.

So in a few days I'm going to wear a darling polka dot dress with my bright red lips and celebrate my beautiful friend and her new husband. And then I will find something else to give me hope.

Night in the desert...

Beautiful blue skies

Cows in every shade of brown imaginable

Quenching their thirst in the desert

Colorful Philly cheese steak sandwiches with orange and yellow peppers

Dutch oven style of course

Good friends

Good conversation

Perfect evening

Hannah and Hilary...

Five boys between me, Hannah, and Hilary. Were missing Hannah's little girl who was at school and a few little babies who left our lives too soon...

Yesterday we went on a fun playdate with some good friends of mine, Hannah and Hilary. I met Hannah back when we were living in Hawaii. I worked for her dad as a student secretary and Hannah and her cute family came out for a semester and were in our ward. Thanks to the wonderful internet we've been able to keep in touch through blogging over these past 5+ years since that time.

A few years ago Hannah wrote me an e-mail. Her sweet sister in law Hilary had just lost her little boy when she was 21 weeks pregnant like I had. Hilary's boy Michael had a heart condition that took his life before he was born. Hilary and I started e-mailing during this difficult time in her life, and we became friends through our common grief of losing our two boys.

I've been wanting to meet Hilary in person for a long time, but with my living in Nevada and her living in Idaho I didn't know if it would ever happen. As luck would have it, in the past 6 months we have both moved to Utah. So I knew we had to get together soon, all three of us.

We met up at Thanksgiving Point yesterday while our 5 little boys roamed around looking at all the fun farm animals. It was so good to meet up with dear Hannah again and to meet Hilary in person for the first time. Such beautiful women these two are. I feel so lucky to have such good strong women as friends.

These girls have been so supportive of me as I've gone through the different trials I've faced over the last few years. I hope that I can be as good of a friend to them as they have been to me. One thing that I kept thinking about as we spent time together yesterday is that the three of us have experienced our fair share of grief as we've tried to grow our families. Miscarriage, stillbirth, burying children, secondary infertility. I think we've pretty much covered the spectrum ;). But we pick ourselves up as best we can, press on, and enjoy and appreciate the children and life that we have. Isn't that what life is all about?

I really appreciate these girls and the example that they've been to me. One of the greatest blessing that come from trials are great friendships. True friends shine brightly as we work to support and love each other during the different storms in our lives.

Yesterday was a beautiful day spent enjoying each others company, and I left feeling buoyed up and thankful for the great people in my life. Thanks for the great time Hil and Hannah!

Fish Taco Picnic...

We took some of our friends out of the heat of the city and into our favorite meadow for some yummy fish tacos last weekend. It was so nice up there! We practically had the meadow to ourselves.

I love this meal for picnics because you can prep most of it ahead of time, and it's so good! I made all of the fillings and put them in containers to bring along.

Pico de gallo (with and without onions), shredded cabbage, black beans, grilled salmon (and whatever sauce you like).



We brought a pan and our little butane stove to cook the corn tortillas there. This was nice because they have fire restrictions in our little mountain here, but no restrictions on stoves. And these taste so much better with nice hot tortillas.

They were delicious! Which is nice because I had quite the "authentic" crowd to please...

Not sure why I even try to cook Mexican food for my Mexican friends... seriously! They said that I passed though, which is nice! I'm trying to buy back my friends love {because she deleted me as her friend on facebook.... just kidding, not really. I think she will be my friend again now...}.

Entertainment for the kidlets was riding the big wheel down the hill...

And throwing rocks at cans...

Nothing like a refreshing night in the mountains with good friends and some yummy food.