White daisies...

When I was a senior in high school I was competing to be the Sterling Scholar in Dance at my school. It was between me and one other girl, and I really wanted to win this. I started thinking about this when I was a sophomore and wanted it so badly. I worked hard on my application, I choreographed my solo routine, this was what I had wanted more than anything at that time in my life. It would look great on my college applications. It would be a complete honor to me to have been chosen and receive this scholarship.

The girl that I was competing against for this was either my good friend or my arch nemeses (it really depended on the day). We were neck in neck so to speak as to who would win the award. We were both on Dance Company, Drill Team, and had danced together for all of our high school days. I remember that I was sitting in my English class when the intercom squeaked on and they were going to announce to the school all of the Sterling Scholar winners for that year.

My name was not called.

I lost. I was not chosen to be the dance Sterling Scholar.

I found out later that the judges were having a hard time deciding who to give the award to. What their final decision came down to was that her GPA was 0.01 points higher than mine. So she won.

I was devastated. I had worked so hard and long for this. I felt like I deserved this award. I sat there in class trying to hold myself together as I felt the pain of the loss. The bell rang and it was lunch time. I knew that once lunch ended the next class was dance and I would have to face her... the girl who had won what I had wanted so badly.

I thought about what I should do. Should I get in my car and drive home and avoid her all together? Should I go but ignore her and be smug? Or should I congratulate her?

I didn't go to lunch that day. Instead I walked across the street to the grocery store and I bought a bouquet of white daisies. I came back to school and I found her sitting by her locker eating lunch. I gave her the flowers and a big hug and told her congratulations. It hurt. I was very happy for her but very sad for me that I was not the one chosen for this. I felt (a little bit) better after this. I was grateful that even though I was so upset about losing, that I was able to think of her and to congratulate her and celebrate her victory with her, even though it was hard for me.

That was 12 years ago. In my adult life I have found that there have been many situations where I've needed to give hugs and congratulations and pass out some white daisies so to speak. Times where I have longed for something so badly, but it doesn't happen for me.

I found myself this week in yet another situation... where it was necessary to put on a smile, say congratulations, give a hug (and an imaginary bouquet of white daisies) and then go along my way. It hurts. It never gets easier, but I know that it is necessary. I gave my congratulations and hug to my dear friend who knew that what she had just told me was a shock and must have hurt. It was a shock to her as well, something that she was not planning either. "Thanks for being brave, I'm trying to be brave too, " she said as our parting words.

As I got into my car I let myself feel the pain. I try to hold it together in front of people but I never deny myself the right to work through my emotions when I feel them. I offered up a prayer of sorts to my Heavenly Father,  Why? Really? Is this some kind of a joke? Why her and not me? Why never me?

As soon as I had offered up the prayer I received my answer. It wasn't the answer that I was expecting, rather it was the answer to a prayer that I had uttered 12 years before.

Why her Heavenly Father? Why not me? I worked so hard for this! Why not me?

This is why. This is why she won and not you.

I had not thought of this situation in years and years yet suddenly it was fresh in my mind. Life moved on from high school and it really didn't matter that I was not chosen to be the Sterling Scholar for Dance. Or did it?

It suddenly made perfect sense to me. This is why I was not chosen for that award. My life has gone in a way that there have been many opportunities where I have had to be told no. Not now. Nope. It's not your turn. And pass out bouquet after bouquet of daisies. I needed to learn back then how to be this type of person. How to be happy for others even when they have what you long to have. This is why.

I was suddenly filled with gratitude for not winning the scholarship I so longed for in high school. I realized that I had won a far greater prize, I had learned a lesson that day at lunch time in a crowded hallway with a simple bouquet of daisies that I have had to use over and over again. Had I won that award, it would have really done nothing that remarkable for my adult life.

But not winning, has made all the difference in the world.

Post written November 2012