Thirty...

Cuddling my boys... my last day being 29.

 

I spent the last few days of my twenties in one of the most beautiful places in the world. Golden leaves, crisp air, dirt roads, and snow!!! It was pretty cold the first few days but then everything melted and the beautiful fall scenery came out.

I've come to terms with the fact that my birthday falls on the deer hunt every year. Instead of being mad that my husband is totally preoccupied with hunting that week, I try to go along so that Trent doesn't have to pick between me and the hunt. I get to enjoy being in a place that I love and relax while he goes and does his thing during the day. We weren't really able to go out and do too many walks/hikes like I had hoped because I didn't want the baby to get too cold. Instead we sat around the fire in the cabin and mostly cuddled Baby G while the kids played.

I found my thoughts centering around my life, this stage in my life, and the fact that I was turning the big 30 that weekend. Ahhhh.... thirty. I'm happy to be thirty. I guess I feel like I should really be an adult now... or something like that. I've been thinking about what I want my life to be like in my thirties as opposed to what they were like in my twenties.

Two things seem to hit home the most. The first is that I spent most of my twenties longing for babies. Longing to be a mother. One of my biggest challenges in my twenties was getting these boys here to our family. I've spent the last four years of my life hoping/longing/pleading to have another baby. And here he is... I have this beautiful boy in my arms. Such a weight has been lifted from my heart. I'm relieved that I wont be longing for a baby this year. That I will be taking care of a baby instead.

 

With that comes the second thing... I've been pretty sad and depressed while longing for this baby. I haven't taken care of my body the way that I should have. I justified a lot of poor choices (yes I mean food choices) because I was trying to fill a big void in my life. With just having a baby and turning 30 I'm finding myself really wanting to take better care of my body. I'm not the young 24 year old I was when I had Blue and I can already tell I'm going to have to work a lot harder to get this baby weight off. I guess I'm accepting that I'm getting a bit older and I need to make healthy eating a bigger priority.

Because I now have two boys who call me mom, and they deserve the very best of me...

 

So our weekend in a sentence... Husband got his deer, I turned 30, Blue built his first snowman of the season, and Baby G did his first 7 hour stretch of sleeping. Life is good! Life is full of beautiful things right now. Thirty is going to be great... I can feel it!



Loving this pregnant body...

I found myself in the most beautiful cherry orchard this week. Trent's uncle is a fruit farmer and they had a little party in the orchard this last week. It was too pretty to not take a few pictures in. I'm now officially 30 weeks pregnant... 3/4 of the way there! We are on the last stretch and it feels so good to be here.

I've been studying my hypnobabies every chance I get, trying to get ready for this little boy's birthday. One thing that they have you do is listen to their positive pregnancy affirmations every single day, trying to reprogram your brain to think good, positive thoughts about pregnancy and your changing body as opposed to all the negative stories and ideas that we hear about pregnancy and birth. Something interesting has been brought to my attention from listening to these affirmations everyday...

 I really, really, hated my body.

I think that most women have issues with their body to some extent. I've always been very conscious about my body. I've tried to take care of my body as well as I could, and still not loved it. I've tried hard to eat healthy things and exercise and have lived most of my adult life within 5 lbs of what I weighed when I graduated high school.

That is until my body failed me.

That is how I have really felt for the past several years. My body, that I have tried hard to take care of, failed me. It couldn't properly develop a placenta and that is why we lost our little boy. And then the greatest of all bodily insults... it developed cancer when I was 25 years old!!! Seriously, body, seriously. Not to mention infertility and the feelings of failure that brings with it. Why couldn't my body just work like other's do?

That is when the really poor self talk started. I was broken, my body was totally broken. I was a broken girl. That is also when I started eating whatever I wanted because I was so miserable I decided that at least I was going to enjoy eating good food.

It's been years now of feeling like a broken girl in a broken body. I don't know why I ever expected my body to be perfect, but I have felt very betrayed by my body and the things that have happened.

So as I started listening to these positive affirmations nightly, it was a hard thing for me to do. Hearing things such as:

My body knows just how to be in perfect health, and is now producing perfect health for me and my baby.

Oy... this one was jarring. Does my body know how to be in perfect health? What if I have cancer lurking in there somewhere again? My body doesn't have a clue.

I have complete confidence that my body is working perfectly.

I could not listen to this one and have it settle well. I don't have complete confidence that my body is working perfectly. I'm a broken girl remember.

My body is healthy and whole.

It took me about 2 weeks of listening to this every night before I decided to humor myself and to start believing it. Why not? Why do I have to be so hard on myself and my body? Why can't I just wrap my arms around this poor body that has been through so much and watch this miracle unfold? Free of judgment, forgiving it for the past, and focus on trying to do whatever I could to love and except my body for what it is right this minute.

I love my pregnant body and accept it everyday.
I enjoy eating well for myself and my baby.
My changing body is radiantly beautiful.
I accept all of the changes that pregnancy brings to me.

These were a little easier to swallow. I really have been in awe that this poor, wounded body can produce a baby. That I am able to grow another human being. That I feel so great right now and it has been humbling and beautiful to watch my body do what it was made and meant to do.

So here I am. I have scars and wounds that are still healing. But I'm choosing to love and accept my body. To believe that it is perfect, and radiant, and beautiful. I now officially weight the most that I have ever weighed, having passed up the weight I was the day I gave birth to Blue. But I don't care.

I feel a confidence coming back to me that has been gone for a long time, and it feels good. It feels good to finally be able to forgive my body for past sins... for not being perfect. And to give it another chance. Forgiveness really is such a healing thing. I didn't realize that I needed to get past this and truly forgive my body until I started listening to these words everyday.

Just as it's been a great blessing to watch this body grow and change with a baby inside, I'm excited to see my body birth a baby, and breast feed again, and I plan on doing whatever I need to take care of it. I'm not broken, my body isn't broken. It's just needed time and a second chance. It's the only one I'm ever going to get and I'm grateful that every night I get to remind myself of this beautiful gift of a body that I have.

Twenty nine...

I'm glad that my husband married me. Even though my birthday is during the muzzle loader deer hunt every single year. It's his favorite hunt you know, always has been. Thankfully we've avoided this predicament for the past 7 years that we've lived out of Utah. This year though... it was back.

I honestly don't care if he hunts on my birthday anymore. We can always celebrate later right? I would rather him go and have a good time with his friends then worry about hunting on my birthday. Well, I guess there was this situation a while ago... on my 21st birthday... where I was left by myself at a cabin for the whole entire day without any phone service or sight of another human being until late into the evening. Yep, I really did spend my 21st birthday all by my lonesome, and was a little sad about that. I'm over it... really I am! But my husband has taken a personal vow to never have that happen again, and to no longer hunt on my birthday.

My boy and I decided to drive out to where he was hunting this year and camp over on Friday night. Such a good decision! I didn't want to spend the whole week with a bunch of smelly hunters {no offense}, but one night was not bad at all.

This was my view when I woke up Saturday morning...

And I just knew it was going to be a beautiful day.

 

Twenty nine this year... my golden birthday. I don't know why but I've been looking forward to 29 for a long time. Still in my twenties, but hopefully a little wiser than I was in my early twenties.

 

The boy needed to use the potty, which was a few miles away. We normally would not drive to the potty while out camping in the woods but I felt like going on an early morning drive to see this beautiful place we were in.

 

Best decision of the day.

 

You see, mother nature had a {few} wonderful birthday presents for me on this drive. I left camp, turned a few corners, and found myself in the most beautiful golden aspen forest. 

For miles, and miles, and MILES all you could see were golden aspen trees! I drove slowly along the dirt road trying to soak in as much of the sun reflecting off these golden beauties as I could... it was magical to me.

It was one of the most amazing drives of my life. I know that it's the time of year for leaves to change, and I was up in the mountains, but it almost felt like someone had painted all the trees gold the night before just for me on my golden birthday. I shed a few tears at the beauty I was beholding and considered it a gift.

The next gift that was on my drive... sheep. Lots of sheep. I love seeing wildlife outside and Utah has a lot of it. But seeing hundreds of sheep brings me back to my college days when I went to Snow College. There were many mornings I would be walking to school and the roads in Ephraim would be covered in sheep. This city girl {who wishes she was a country girl} loved it when the farmers would do that.

So we slowed down even more and watched the sheep.

I took the most awesome movie of the hundreds of sheep surrounding our car... but I can't for the life of me get it to load. So sorry, that you have to miss out on that one ;). It was pretty amazing to see all these sheep out there.

Even with all my tree gazing and sheep watching going on, we still made it to the loo in time. I love that my birthday started out with something so simple yet special. It's the small and simple things that sometimes bring us the most joy. When we got back to camp we packed everything up and headed home. My cute husband was true to his word and did not hunt on my birthday. He made me feel very special. Mother nature made me feel special. My wonderful friends and family members made me feel special. It was a great day. I'm lucky to be so loved and have such great people in my life.

Square one...

Labor Day weekend marks three years since I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought about that over the weekend, especially on Friday. I remember being in the doctors office with my husband and one year old boy running around the room, wearing my favorite black shirt that I had worn to his first birthday party. I remember him saying in as nice of a voice as possible, "Looks like you get to go see the cancer doc". I remember letting the student physician feel the lump in my neck, the first time he'd felt a cancer mass like that. I remember this doctor that I had just met giving me a hug, and I remember calling my mom in the parking lot. I remember feeling relief and fear at the same time. I tend to hold onto dates, reflecting on them each year as they come around again. I also wonder what year it will be when this date passes and I don't think anything of it.

Something else that's been on my mind lately is that my hair is finally as long as it was when I lost it. I had my dear friend Corinne take the first picture of me just a week after I was diagnosed. I wanted some family pictures done before I lost all my hair. She took a few just of me and I have cherished those over the past three years. To remind me of who I was, what I looked like before I went down this road. But here we are... back at square one.

I've always felt like it was all about the hair so to speak. The hair really symbolized to me the whole journey in whatever stage it was in. Now I'm back to where I was when it all started and I feel finally ready to put this on the shelf of life experiences and move forward.

I'm finding that I'm not talking about being a cancer survivor as much in my normal daily life. I don't think about it everyday anymore. My physical reminders are starting to fade, such as short hair and scars. As it gets farther and farther behind the future and new dreams seem much clearer. Being a cancer survivor is a big part of my life, but it's not my whole life. It's part of who I am but it doesn't define me anymore. For a long time I felt like everyone needed to know that I had been through this in order to understand me, but that too is starting to fade. I feel more now that I want people to know that I'm a wife, a mom, an 85 year old knitter trapped in a 28 year olds body {wink}, a nature lover, but I'm finding myself holding back on telling new friends about cancer. Not sure why, but it's nice to move past this phase in life. I'm just ready to be me now... but this me has been changed by cancer. So maybe it's not so bad to wear it on my sleeve from time to time... I guess I'm still sorting out my feelings on this one.

Corinne snapped the second picture of me earlier this week. When she sent it to me she said, "You haven't changed one bit!" Maybe she's right. Maybe I haven't really changed that much over the last three years on the outside... but the inside most definitely has. With trials comes learning, and healing, and greater compassion for others and life's lessons. I'm grateful for the change, but also grateful to finally be back to square one.

Sewing...

My cute friend C took this picture of me the other day without me knowing it. When I saw it I thought, yep... that's me just doing my thing. Wearing yellow (almost always), sitting at my machine, sunlight coming in through the window. This picture makes me happy. This is what I love to do. This is me. Thanks C for the picture!

And I'm working on something super important... a veil for my friends wedding. It's going to be so pretty!

Being yourself in a marriage...

Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- Mae West

I love this antler/flower picture that I found on Pinterest. In a strange way, it reminds me of marriage. Where you take two totally opposite people and try to meld them together to become one.

My darling husband and I will be celebrating our 9th year of marriage soon, which sounds like a super long time when I type it out. We've been through a lot together in our 9 years... a lot (but who hasn't though... right?). We have overcome some pretty terrific obstacles, gone on great adventures together, and seen each other at our best and absolute worst.

We are also very, very different people. Somewhere down the road of our marriage I started to change. I started not wanting to try and compromise over everything and so I got used to saying, "Whatever you want to do honey." Which is a very great thing to say really. But I noticed when I was trying to piece my life back together after cancer that I really didn't know who I was anymore. I had lost a piece of myself along the line somewhere and was trying to figure out how to get that back. Who was I? Other than {husband's name}'s wife? What did I like to do? What was I passionate about? I was pretty lost on those questions.

There is lots of compromise that happens in a marriage, but one that I did that I really regret doing was compromising myself... Now, just for the record this was something that I did entirely on my own. I have a very loving and sweet husband who doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He would do anything in the world for me and our son and I love him to pieces. But I started to push my own desires and wishes aside to do or be whatever I "thought" he wanted me to be.

Until one day I had a realization. HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ME!!! He didn't fall in love with who I thought he wanted me to be. He fell in love with me. Part of my problem may also be that the "me" he fell in love with was 19 years old. At that point in my life I had not much experience past highschool, I had not gone through anything horribly terrific in life that had really molded and shaped my soul yet. While I'm so grateful to have met my husband and gotten married then, I realize now that I still had a lot of growing up to do. And instead of doing that growing up on my own, I've done it as a married girl with a husband by my side. A lot has happened since then, and we've both changed an adapted in our lives.

But I know now that I don't want to be anyone other than myself, because I don't seem to do that very well. And I really missed doing the things that I was really passionate about because it was like I had buried my soul in the closet because "it really wasn't that important." Come to find out it was vitally important to my happiness, and I'm now trying to dust off the cobwebs and try them on again... and it feels really good.

Something that I've been paying a lot of attention to lately are couples who are very strong individuals but also have a beautiful relationship with each other. Couples who are very different yet they respect their partners and let them be who they are.

So my question is, what do you do to maintain your individuality in your marriage or relationship? And how do you let your spouse maintain theirs?
And just for the record... I'm planning on rummaging through my brother in law's unused antler collection (yes... he has one) and recreating this display at the top. I'm thinking of making the flowers out of clay and then painting them. I'll post it up when I'm finished!

All I wanted for my birthday was a ponytail...

All I really wanted for my birthday this year was a ponytail...

And with the help of (several) bobbie pins, I got it!!

Twenty {8} is going to be great!

At least that's what I keep telling myself. The power of positive thinking. It is going to be great!

I'm back...

I think that I'm ready to come back to the blogging world... after a nice break {ahem... timeout}.

You know, sometimes I think that adults need a timeout. Some good quality time, in the corner. Not doing anything but sitting and thinking about what they have been doing and how it affects themselves and those around them. Reflection time really.

That's what I've been doing for the past few months. Having a nice timeout where I could think about my life and the things in it. Things that I love and enjoy, and things that I don't.

After two incredibly difficult years I needed some time to give myself a break. To not try and put on a "mirage" that I was doing wonderful and jumping back into life like nothing had ever happened. The truth is that I was still trying to keep up some "appearance" that I could handle immense grief, and cancer, being a wife, a mom, working full time, and all the millions of little projects that I like to do and still have any smidgen of sanity left.

It wasn't true.

Truth is, now that the drama has settled a bit in my life... I've been pretty depressed about things. And trying to pretend like I was feeling great wasn't helping me out at all. And I didn't enjoy doing the things that I once liked to do {like crafting, and blogging, and anything else for that matter}... and I didn't like living that way.

So for the past few months I've been living my life just for me and my family. Doing the very basic things that I've needed to do for us to survive. And it's been nice to simplify, and work on a craft when I felt like it and not worry about having to blog about it ;). It's been nice to not have to account for my days, or weeks, with the number of blog posts I've been able to come up with. And it's been nice to put the computer away and focus on my relationship with my husband and son. It's been nice to remember what I like to do again in life besides breathe...

But as time has unraveled this web I've been trapped in... I've come to learn that I do miss blogging. Mainly because I miss connecting with my friends in this way. I miss my friends.

And yes, friends, I'm starting to feel much better now...

So for now, I'm back. But this blog is not just going to be my "crafting" blog. It's going to be my "Meg" blog - minus family stuff. If you are my friend and you want to know how my family is doing, please call me on the phone and talk to me. Because hearing a friends voice is so much better than anything you can ever read on a computer screen {something else I learned while in timeout}.

I don't promise to post anything interesting, or to post regularly, or to entertain anyone with my ideas and thoughts on here. This is merely an extension of myself, in whatever form it takes...

... and today I think I'm ready to come out of the corner.

Hair inspiration...

I love Josie Bissett's hair. She has such cute short hair! I've been gathering pictures of short haircuts that I like in hopes that I can have fun with this short hair while I have it. I think in just a couple of months my hair will be long enough to pull off this look!

I never thought this day would come but I think it's about time to break out the flat iron again. That will be a good day...

Twenty {7}...

Twenty {7} is...

... being thankful for each day that I have to spend with those I love.

... growing out this super short hair.
... feeling better in my skin than I ever have before.

... simplifying my life so that I can be more productive and focus on the things that really deserve my attention.

... filling my body with healthy things and taking better care of it.

... lacing up my running shoes each morning.

... sewing more clothes for myself.

... listening to music more often when I do the dishes (my least favorite chore).

... working hard for my family, but not so hard that I don't have any energy for them when I get home.

... cooking with garlic and cumin (my favorites).

... wearing more heels... for the hubs.

... my budding wooden spoon collection.

... being less frumpy and more put together.

Twenty {7} feels good...

Sunrise...

July 31, 2009 - I was driving home late at night when I made an awful discovery. I don't know if the seat beat was bothering my neck or what, but I reached my hand up and touched my neck just above my collar bone and felt it. A lump, the size of a large grape. "Crap!" I thought, "Please don't let this be cancer." Sure enough, it was cancer. Hodgkin's lymphoma.

July 31, 2010 - I woke up at 3:30 AM. Pulled on my jeans and hiking boots... and glasses cause that is way to early for contacts. Met some friends who pulled up on a four wheeler and we rode to the top of a mountain. Hiked for about 30 minutes and sat at the top of a peak to watch the sunrise. And it was beautiful.

And so is life. Life is beautiful. And I'm happy to still be in the game.

Fresh Start...

The back of my head... swirl and all.

We went on a nice drive this weekend for Mother's Day. It was so fun to see all of the wildflowers along the highway, the new baby animals in the fields... A nice spring drive always feels so refreshing to me.

It made me think a lot about my life right now. I sort of feel like a brand new flower peeking out of the earth. I feel like I'm seeing many things with new eyes. I feel very humbled to be given a fresh start in so many different ways in my life right now.

One very apparent way that I am starting over is this head of new baby hair that I'm growing. I took some pictures of the back of my head and I was so happy to see that there really is hair back there!!! It's been a while. And I'm relieved that it is still blonde.

Over this past year of trial I've been thinking a lot about my life. The things that are in it that I love, the things that are in it that really shouldn't be. The things that I really want to be in my life that are not, mainly because I haven't put forth the effort to have them there. It's time to start fresh, it's time to weed out all of the unnecessary things and put in the things that are truly so important. Here are a few things that need to be part of my life more::

- I want to spend more time outside. The sun gives me energy, makes me feel warm and alive. I want to spend more time out there with my family.

- Time to get rid of all the junk food that I've been filling my body with and eat good healthy food. I've been trying to do this more and more, but this last week I literally threw out all the junk. We now have a huge bowl full of fruits and veggies and are switching our diets to a more plant based diet.

- I want to wear more skirts. I want to feel more feminine. There is nothing like being bald to make you feel not so girly...

- I want to have less things in my house. I just want to have what's necessary. I feel like I have too much stuff lying around and it's just weighing me down.

- I want to put more pictures up on the wall. Right this second I have a total of 5 pictures up in my whole house. If home is where your heart is then I want my home to reflect my heart...

- I want to not be so hard on myself. I don't have to be the best at everything, I just have to do what I love to do and what I am good at and forgive myself for the rest.

- I want my husband and son to know that they are the most important things in my life. More important than a show on tv, or the computer, or whatever it is that I spend my precious time doing instead of spending it with them. Times when we are all together is family time, not time to be distracted by other things.

- I want other people in my life to know that they are important to me. I want to spend more time listening to others and less time talking about myself.

I think that's a pretty good list for now. I'm grateful for this fresh start in life.

What things do you wish were a bigger part of your life that aren't right now?

Songs...

Last week I was thinking about what it was I used to do on the internet before there were... BLOGS!! Seriously! I feel like that's all I do online now days is look at blogs. They are nice and all, but what did I use to do before blogs?

I used to play the guitar... a lot. I used to search for lyrics and tab/chords online so that I could play a new song. I would then practice and practice and sit on my roommates floor and play them my "latest" song. That's what I used to do... it was a lot of fun!

I've decided to resurrect such things, I'm going to try to learn two new songs a month. The words of my old guitar teacher keep running through my head, "You only really need 15 minutes a day to get better..." I have 15 minutes a day, since I spend way more than that looking at blogs ;).

Songs I'm learning this month:

Blackbird by the Beatles (I like Sarah's version...)
Highway by Ingrid Michaelson

So what did you used to do online before there were blogs?

Sewing is my garden...

When I started up this "crafting" blog I had so many great ideas and intentions. I could not have picked more horrible timing... that's for sure. The same time I opened up my little shop and started blogging on here I found out I was pregnant, had a horrible pregnancy filled with complications, and experienced the end result of losing my little boy at 21 weeks. The past few months since his birth and death have been very hard, confusing, sad, depressing, and heart wrenching for me.

I am feeling a little bruised at this point... but full of a lot of hope.

My mother in law lost a little baby when she was six months old to SIDS. A few weeks ago one of my sister in laws told me that the only way that their mom found to deal with her grief was to garden. She loved to work in the garden. The long peaceful hours in the sun spent digging with her hands in the dirt, creating something beautiful and wholesome. I've been thinking about that a lot lately... what is my garden? What can I dig my hands into to help me work through this grieving process? I can't actually "garden" in this little condo that we live in... but I can sew.

I love sewing. I love how it feels to hear the hum of the machine going... to feel the fabric slip through your fingers. To create something beautiful from nothing... I don't sew as much as I would like to. The times where I have sat down to sew I feel something stir inside of me that I've been ignoring and suppressing since I've become a mom... me.

So I've decided that sewing will be my garden. I have so many projects that I want to make and create and work on that I haven't been able to do this year because of everything that has happened. I'm ready to dust off my machine and get to work.

I'm going to be opening my Etsy shop back up in a few days and I'm really excited about that. I'm ready to get to work and start creating again... and that feels really good.