Brother's day...

Wednesday the 15th marked 4 years since we had baby Clayton. I can't even believe that it's been that long! I forget sometimes how close he and his older brother would have been. Here we are getting ready to send our kiddo to kindergarten this fall and Clayton would have been the next year.

 

I decided a few weeks ago to switch OB's for this pregnancy (more on that later...) and had to change around my big ultrasound day. I think that it was a good sign that I scheduled it on Clayton's birthday and didn't think twice about it. I realized later that day when I went to put it on my calendar. Then I had a little panic set in, should I switch it? Is it weird to go have an ultrasound of your new baby on the day that your last baby died? Sigh... oh well. We were just going to do it! I think it was really nice to have something great happening that day instead of dwelling on the past.

 

Also, at the last minute something important came up that took my sweet husband out of town... so he missed the whole day! I cried a little over that one. I knew that it was just the way that it worked out and there was nothing I could really do about it. But I was sad that he couldn't be there for the ultrasound and to spend the day with us. So we decided to make it a brother's day and do something for all three of these little boys that day!

 

First up... this little dude got to come to the ultrasound with me and see his little brother! He did really well. He is a wild kid, doesn't sit still very well, but he was on his best behavior and did great! The doctor gave him two suckers, one for him and one for his baby brother. He thought that was pretty cool. The baby looks absolutely great! He had his hands in front of his face the whole time so we weren't able to get a super great profile shot. But he is measuring exactly to my due date and is a whole 1 lb 11 oz right now. He's almost double the size that Clayton was when he was born so that made me feel good.

 

 

Then we headed to my boy's favorite spot... the dinosaur park in Ogden. We had a few hours to kill between ultrasound and doctor's appointment due to some scheduling problems, so we went there for a while and explored. He's been begging me to go since we went last summer, but most of it is outside so we needed to wait until it warmed up. He had fun running around seeing all the dino's. And mom got a little camera happy... it was brother's day after all!

 

 



There is a mystery trail there that we hadn't seen before that we wandered down (a few times). I almost hate to say that this mama dinosaur protecting her little babies pulled at my heart strings a little... I blame it on the pregnancy hormones. It turned out to be the boy's favorite part of the park too.

He did not want me to take this picture... he was pretty scared of standing at the mouth of a big dinosaur about to eat him! I let him throw a rock at him before hand to make sure it was really just a statue.

We finished off the day driving down to the cemetery to visit Clayton's grave. We picked up my mom and had her come with us. There was a little storm that blew in and it started to rain a little while we were there. But it was nice to come and see the tangible proof that this boy really did exist for a short time. I don't like coming to the cemetery because is makes me sad to think I have a child buried in the ground. It makes me sad to think about what we've lost and how our lives could have been. I usually only come on his birthday because if his own mother doesn't come then who will? But it felt really good and peaceful there that night. I let the boy pick out some flowers for his grave and he picked three beautiful sunflowers. It felt very fitting since we grew big sunflowers last year. The three were for him, his dad, and me.

As I left the cemetery I felt really warm and peaceful inside. I don't know that I've ever felt Clayton's spirit over the last 4 years, but that night I really felt like he was smiling down on us. I'm in a good place right now. I think that being pregnant again and having this new little life growing inside of me makes all the difference in the world with that. I was told after we had Clayton that the best way to overcome losing a baby like that was to get pregnant and have another baby. I get it now, it really does help heal these wounds to be looking forward to another baby.

As we drove home exhausted from our long, full day we saw a beautiful rainbow covering the Salt Lake Valley. It was a very fitting end of the day and it felt like a little gift...

"And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh." - Genesis 9:14-15

I know this promise is about not flooding the earth again like was done in the times of Noah... but to me it felt like my own little promise. Four years ago a cloud and storm came into my life, and flooded me with so much sorrow and took away my son... but the waters shall no more become a flood and destroy all flesh. He's not going to take away my son again, it's going to be okay. This time, it's going to work out. I felt a lot of peace driving back home, watching the rainbows circling the valley. It was a beautiful ending to a beautiful day filled with reflection and hope.

Coming full circle...

Last Friday I woke up bright and early when my husband came in from work. The boy was already awake and I laid in bed and listened to them make crepes together in the kitchen. I listened to them go back and forth, talking about nightly dreams and plans for the day. Then pretty soon, little brother joined in on the early morning fun. I didn't get up and join them, but rather stayed in bed and felt his little kicks inside of my body. I thought about how this day marked 21 weeks into my pregnancy. We had come full circle...

The last time I felt a baby kick inside of me I was on my way to the hospital to have Clayton... 21 weeks pregnant. "He's still kicking honey..." I said with tears streaming down my face. While I was still hoping for the best, I knew deep down that this boy would be born sometime that day and that he would die. And there he was... innocent, still so tiny and kicking around in his rapidly draining pool of water that was no longer able to hold him. That was my last experience with baby kicks. That memory has haunted me for the past four years.

Would I ever be able to see my belly swell with a baby inside of it again? Would I ever feel a baby kicking around inside of me? Would I ever be able to experience the wonders of pregnancy again? I didn't know. That was one of my biggest concerns when I thought I might have cancer 3 short months after feeling those last baby kicks. Would I ever be able to have a baby again? I did not know that answer. But I did know that my one biggest wish was that someday I would be able to come full circle. That someday I would carry a baby again, and feel a baby kick around inside of me. That I would make it to 21 weeks again and beyond. That I would be able to give birth, and breast feed, and cuddle a baby into my neck and smell that sweet baby smell around my house again. Is it too much to ask for? Yes... surely it was! There were many times I felt completely unworthy to even desire this. I needed to just be thankful for my husband, and my son, and that I survived cancer when so many people don't even get that opportunity. But to have all of that and still want a baby? Was I being way too selfish and asking way too much? Did I even deserve that?

I've gone back and forth depending on where I was in my life at the moment on these thoughts. But I have never been able to shake this desire to be where I am exactly right now. Pregnant... and thriving. And making plans to bring a precious baby home.

I've been very nervous and anxious the last few weeks coming up to this point. I have a problem that I call the "impending doom" syndrome. I feel like I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to spring up on me or come beating down my door. I feel like I can't get too comfortable being happy because it's not going to last, something bad is going to happen. Good things that I want don't happen to me, they happen to everyone else. It's a really horrible way to live. But I think this is my coping mechanism. It's to help save my soul from more heartache, more set backs, more devastation... if I don't get my hopes up on things then I can't be too disappointed when they don't happen. That is how I've felt through this pregnancy, scared to get too excited because surely this isn't happening to me. Surely this isn't going to work out the way I want it to right? How awful, to feel this way.

I've been trying really hard to let go of this. Because the truth is... God has blessed me with the deepest desire of my heart. He has given me the most amazing gift I could ever ask for. He is sending me another one of his precious spirits to be a mother to. Whether I feel I deserve it or not... he has blessed me with this. And I am so truly grateful. I am humbled and honored to be where I am right now.

As I woke up last week the worries and fears I've carried around for the past four years faded away and I basked in the moment of enjoying the baby kicks again. We made it. Somehow... we made it. Somehow I made it. A sadness that I have carried so deeply for so long has been made very light this last week, as I've finally found myself planning for this new life and getting ready and excited for this new boy to come into our lives.

 22 weeks feels very, very good...

3 years...

It's now been three years since we lost this little baby boy. I still think about him everyday. I try to wonder what it would be like for my boy to have a little brother. But at the same time, I can't even imagine it. I still strongly believe in Heavenly Father's plan for our family and this is part of it. It is a pretty painful part of my life though. I used to wear a necklace with his initials and birthdate on it, have little reminders around about him. But I no longer do, not right now.  I wonder if the sting of losing this boy will lessen or go away when I have another baby. I was told right after we lost him that the best thing to do would be to get pregnant right away and have another baby. I wasn't able to do that, I'm still not able to do that {apparently}. So for three years there has been a hole in my heart where this boy resides. A hole that I have learned to live with.

I didn't want to just leave some cut flowers that I bought at the store on his headstone, so I bought some clay and made some little stones that we carved some words into. I also bought a clay colored pot and a succulent to leave by his grave, much more my style. I always had planned on naming a son Clayton (family name) and calling him Clay. But it seems so weird to give my dead baby a nickname, can you give dead children that never really grew into their name a nickname? I don't know, so we call him Clayton but I secretly call him Baby Clay in my mind. So the theme for me this year was clay...

My son carved his name on the back of one of the rocks. I thought that was cute. I asked Baby Clay at the cemetery if he could send down a sibling for his big brother. He didn't answer me, but I hope that with time he will. I will never forget the lessons I have learned from having an angel baby. I know that some day my pain will be replaced with great rejoicing when I get to see his face again. I'm grateful that I was able to help him fulfill his mission on earth which was to get a body. We sure love you Clayton!