Square one...

Labor Day weekend marks three years since I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought about that over the weekend, especially on Friday. I remember being in the doctors office with my husband and one year old boy running around the room, wearing my favorite black shirt that I had worn to his first birthday party. I remember him saying in as nice of a voice as possible, "Looks like you get to go see the cancer doc". I remember letting the student physician feel the lump in my neck, the first time he'd felt a cancer mass like that. I remember this doctor that I had just met giving me a hug, and I remember calling my mom in the parking lot. I remember feeling relief and fear at the same time. I tend to hold onto dates, reflecting on them each year as they come around again. I also wonder what year it will be when this date passes and I don't think anything of it.

Something else that's been on my mind lately is that my hair is finally as long as it was when I lost it. I had my dear friend Corinne take the first picture of me just a week after I was diagnosed. I wanted some family pictures done before I lost all my hair. She took a few just of me and I have cherished those over the past three years. To remind me of who I was, what I looked like before I went down this road. But here we are... back at square one.

I've always felt like it was all about the hair so to speak. The hair really symbolized to me the whole journey in whatever stage it was in. Now I'm back to where I was when it all started and I feel finally ready to put this on the shelf of life experiences and move forward.

I'm finding that I'm not talking about being a cancer survivor as much in my normal daily life. I don't think about it everyday anymore. My physical reminders are starting to fade, such as short hair and scars. As it gets farther and farther behind the future and new dreams seem much clearer. Being a cancer survivor is a big part of my life, but it's not my whole life. It's part of who I am but it doesn't define me anymore. For a long time I felt like everyone needed to know that I had been through this in order to understand me, but that too is starting to fade. I feel more now that I want people to know that I'm a wife, a mom, an 85 year old knitter trapped in a 28 year olds body {wink}, a nature lover, but I'm finding myself holding back on telling new friends about cancer. Not sure why, but it's nice to move past this phase in life. I'm just ready to be me now... but this me has been changed by cancer. So maybe it's not so bad to wear it on my sleeve from time to time... I guess I'm still sorting out my feelings on this one.

Corinne snapped the second picture of me earlier this week. When she sent it to me she said, "You haven't changed one bit!" Maybe she's right. Maybe I haven't really changed that much over the last three years on the outside... but the inside most definitely has. With trials comes learning, and healing, and greater compassion for others and life's lessons. I'm grateful for the change, but also grateful to finally be back to square one.