Coming full circle...

Last Friday I woke up bright and early when my husband came in from work. The boy was already awake and I laid in bed and listened to them make crepes together in the kitchen. I listened to them go back and forth, talking about nightly dreams and plans for the day. Then pretty soon, little brother joined in on the early morning fun. I didn't get up and join them, but rather stayed in bed and felt his little kicks inside of my body. I thought about how this day marked 21 weeks into my pregnancy. We had come full circle...

The last time I felt a baby kick inside of me I was on my way to the hospital to have Clayton... 21 weeks pregnant. "He's still kicking honey..." I said with tears streaming down my face. While I was still hoping for the best, I knew deep down that this boy would be born sometime that day and that he would die. And there he was... innocent, still so tiny and kicking around in his rapidly draining pool of water that was no longer able to hold him. That was my last experience with baby kicks. That memory has haunted me for the past four years.

Would I ever be able to see my belly swell with a baby inside of it again? Would I ever feel a baby kicking around inside of me? Would I ever be able to experience the wonders of pregnancy again? I didn't know. That was one of my biggest concerns when I thought I might have cancer 3 short months after feeling those last baby kicks. Would I ever be able to have a baby again? I did not know that answer. But I did know that my one biggest wish was that someday I would be able to come full circle. That someday I would carry a baby again, and feel a baby kick around inside of me. That I would make it to 21 weeks again and beyond. That I would be able to give birth, and breast feed, and cuddle a baby into my neck and smell that sweet baby smell around my house again. Is it too much to ask for? Yes... surely it was! There were many times I felt completely unworthy to even desire this. I needed to just be thankful for my husband, and my son, and that I survived cancer when so many people don't even get that opportunity. But to have all of that and still want a baby? Was I being way too selfish and asking way too much? Did I even deserve that?

I've gone back and forth depending on where I was in my life at the moment on these thoughts. But I have never been able to shake this desire to be where I am exactly right now. Pregnant... and thriving. And making plans to bring a precious baby home.

I've been very nervous and anxious the last few weeks coming up to this point. I have a problem that I call the "impending doom" syndrome. I feel like I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to spring up on me or come beating down my door. I feel like I can't get too comfortable being happy because it's not going to last, something bad is going to happen. Good things that I want don't happen to me, they happen to everyone else. It's a really horrible way to live. But I think this is my coping mechanism. It's to help save my soul from more heartache, more set backs, more devastation... if I don't get my hopes up on things then I can't be too disappointed when they don't happen. That is how I've felt through this pregnancy, scared to get too excited because surely this isn't happening to me. Surely this isn't going to work out the way I want it to right? How awful, to feel this way.

I've been trying really hard to let go of this. Because the truth is... God has blessed me with the deepest desire of my heart. He has given me the most amazing gift I could ever ask for. He is sending me another one of his precious spirits to be a mother to. Whether I feel I deserve it or not... he has blessed me with this. And I am so truly grateful. I am humbled and honored to be where I am right now.

As I woke up last week the worries and fears I've carried around for the past four years faded away and I basked in the moment of enjoying the baby kicks again. We made it. Somehow... we made it. Somehow I made it. A sadness that I have carried so deeply for so long has been made very light this last week, as I've finally found myself planning for this new life and getting ready and excited for this new boy to come into our lives.

 22 weeks feels very, very good...