Ground Hog's Day... Meg style...

"Well my dear... there it is. You've popped another subchorionic hemorrhage."

It was the second ultrasound I had with my midwife since discovering I was pregnant. At 5 1/2 weeks I started spotting. Great, after all this waiting and work I'm going to miscarry this baby, I thought. But it came and went... and came again. One thing that I have learned in my experience with bleeding in early pregnancy is that there isn't much that can be done. So instead of rushing in to see what was going on, I waited to see what happened. After a whole week and a half I went in at 7 weeks to see my midwife. At that point I figured I wasn't having a miscarriage but I was worried about having another ectopic. The ultrasound showed that I had one tiny little baby growing in my uterus, no ectopic. But still no sign as to why I was bleeding. My midwife wanted me to come back in a week to check things out and see how the baby was doing. So there I was, at 8 weeks being told the news... another subchorionic hemorrhage.

This is what happened when I was pregnant with Clayton. This is the reason why we lost our second baby. From what I understand it is bleeding that happens between the placenta and the uterine wall. If the bleed or clot gets large enough it can cause the placenta to tear or tear away from the uterine wall. They usually clear up on their own and aren't a big deal. But sometimes they don't heal, they get worse, and can cause major problems. Such as losing a baby.

"You know what this means. No exercise, no heavy lifting, and no sex." She said as she made an X with her fingers. "Be sure to tell your husband." I really wanted my last appointment with my midwife to be different. She no longer follows pregnant patients, just helps them get pregnant and passes them onto someone else. After all, this woman had given us a gift that we were not able to give ourselves. She was able to figure out what we needed to do to have another baby. But all I could think of was how I had already buried a baby because of one of these... and I wasn't able to give her the thanks that she deserved. I couldn't stop looking at the black hole residing right next to my baby.

I've been told many times by multiple doctors that this is something that happens totally randomly. It is not because of the structure of my uterus, or because of anything that I did or didn't do. It just happens sometimes. It's very rare for it to happen in subsequent pregnancies.

I was pretty upset by this news. I understand that it is rare to lose a baby from this. But I've been in that "rare" category before. I went out to the car where my husband was waiting and told him the news. He was quiet for a minute and said, "Well, I guess we should sign up for Netflix again." And that we did ;).

As the snow piled up around my house this winter, I sat inside and hibernated on my couch. Can you believe that in all the snow we got I did not shovel any snow? My poor husband, his winter consisted of working long hours at his job, and then coming home to shovel piles and piles of snow while his wife sat on the couch and watched two seasons of Sister Wives... and then some. It just wasn't worth the risk... nothing was.

Thankfully, my bleeding never got as bad this time as it had with Clayton. I bled until about week 11 and then it stopped. I've now had 5 whole weeks without any spotting or bleeding. With Clayton I started bleeding at 8 weeks and bled until he was born at 21 weeks (sorry if you didn't want to read about bleeding today, I'm trying to keep it tame). I'm feeling very blessed. I'm still not doing anything too strenuous, but I have started going on walks now that the days are so lovely around here. And I'm planning on starting up some prenatal yoga so that I can move my body again.

I sort of feel like I'm living in the twilight zone... or ground hog's day. My due date with this baby is 2 weeks before I was due with Clayton, and then I end up with the same problem that I had with Clayton... and they are both little boys. I feel like I am living through the same situation again. I'm not sure why this has happened the way that it has, but I do know a few things...

 I know that I am thrilled to be pregnant. I'm so excited to be having a little boy. I'm grateful to be at 16 weeks right now and will most likely be holding my breath until this baby gets here. That I will be able to breath, sleep, relax a little better once I make it to 24 weeks which is the time that babies can be viable if they are born at that point. That it is hard to be pregnant again after losing a baby. That every single thing makes me super anxious and doubtful that this is really going to happen. That even though I am overjoyed that this is finally happening for us, I am terrified.

"Everything is going to be okay" was shouted in my dream. I keep repeating that in my head. Half the battle was getting pregnant, but half the battle is also being pregnant. I knew it would be hard to be pregnant again after what happened last time, but I've been a little surprised as to how hard it has been. Things that I haven't thought about in the 4 years that have passed since I was in this situation with Clayton have been brought right to the surface. Hard, scary, terrifying things. But also peace. I felt peace when I had that tiny boy, and I feel peace now. I just don't always understand what peace means, and that scares me (does that even make sense?). Maybe I've needed a year and a half of believing that everything would be okay, set on repeat in my mind, to make it through this time.

So, that's how things have been going. I've been really hesitant to talk about being pregnant because I have had such mixed emotions about it with everything that's been going on. But one thing that my sister in law pointed out to me is that even if things weren't to work out (which they are by the way, they are going to be just fine) I need support from my friends and family. And I am so grateful to have such great support. That after talking about wanting another baby for so long, people are understanding that I am suddenly scared out of my mind.

I have rockstar friends. Seriously, I don't know how I got so lucky. I have awesome girls who are keeping tabs on me and checking up on me all the time who truly get it. And they mean the world to me (if you think I'm talking about YOU then I probably am). And I am grateful to be going through this journey with each of them as they show me what support, patience, friendship, and love really means.

And the payoff is going to be when after four crazy hard years, we are all going to meet a miracle boy who is going to finally be in my arms, and fill this hole in my heart.

Everything is going to be okay...