3 years...

It's now been three years since we lost this little baby boy. I still think about him everyday. I try to wonder what it would be like for my boy to have a little brother. But at the same time, I can't even imagine it. I still strongly believe in Heavenly Father's plan for our family and this is part of it. It is a pretty painful part of my life though. I used to wear a necklace with his initials and birthdate on it, have little reminders around about him. But I no longer do, not right now.  I wonder if the sting of losing this boy will lessen or go away when I have another baby. I was told right after we lost him that the best thing to do would be to get pregnant right away and have another baby. I wasn't able to do that, I'm still not able to do that {apparently}. So for three years there has been a hole in my heart where this boy resides. A hole that I have learned to live with.

I didn't want to just leave some cut flowers that I bought at the store on his headstone, so I bought some clay and made some little stones that we carved some words into. I also bought a clay colored pot and a succulent to leave by his grave, much more my style. I always had planned on naming a son Clayton (family name) and calling him Clay. But it seems so weird to give my dead baby a nickname, can you give dead children that never really grew into their name a nickname? I don't know, so we call him Clayton but I secretly call him Baby Clay in my mind. So the theme for me this year was clay...

My son carved his name on the back of one of the rocks. I thought that was cute. I asked Baby Clay at the cemetery if he could send down a sibling for his big brother. He didn't answer me, but I hope that with time he will. I will never forget the lessons I have learned from having an angel baby. I know that some day my pain will be replaced with great rejoicing when I get to see his face again. I'm grateful that I was able to help him fulfill his mission on earth which was to get a body. We sure love you Clayton!