Halloween...

Yes, I know it was already a week ago! But I wanted to share my cute boys in their Halloween costumes on here.

I may have made a bit of a mistake last year... that is that I bought Blue a costume out of a bag. Now there is nothing wrong with buying a costume out of a bag, other than I don't want him to think that every year he can just pick whatever costume he wants and I will buy it for him. That kind of takes the fun out of Halloween for me. So this year he found some cheaply made Ninja costume that he wanted for $20 and I said, "nope... sorry". I tried to explain that part of the fun of Halloween is to make our costumes and go on a search to find the things that we need for them! I showed him this blog post about the costumes she has made for her kids and when he laid eyes on Luke Skywalker it was all over! He HAD to be Luke... even though we have never watched the Star Wars movies. So Luke it was...

I followed Miss Sheena's tutorial on using a women's white sweatshirt for the tunic. Brilliant! I made the white pants out of an old bed sheet that we had laying around and the pouch out of some old tan chords that Blue wore to church forever and are too small now. We thrifted the belt for $1 at DI and borrowed the light saber from his cousin. The cowboy boots... well, that was his little touch ;).

I paid less than $7 to put this costume together. I love that!

And our little pumpkin boy had this hat put on his head enough that he finally got used to it and didn't care anymore. I had a long sleeved white onsie under his other onsie on Halloween because it was pretty chilly. I'm suddenly super bad at taking pictures of my kids or getting out my camera on days like this. So I re-dressed him up a few days later and took this picture. Someday I will get it all figured out!

It all started with a pumpkin hat...

Five years ago when Blue was one year old, I got this crazy idea that my boy needed a pumpkin hat to wear for Halloween. Not just any pumpkin hat, but one knit lovingly by his mama. I had no clue how to knit, but this desire for a pumpkin hat is what got me started. I bought a "teach yourself to knit" book, and spent lots of time on you tube, and managed to make a pumpkin hat for Blue to wear to our church party.

Not too bad for my first knitting project! He of course hated it and would barely leave it on long enough for me to snap these pictures.

Little did I know then while making this pumpkin hat what a huge blessing knitting would be in my life. Knitting is a very dear friend of mine... I can't even count the number of doctor's appointments I have sat and waited for that have allowed me a little knitting time. I've been able to make gifts for friends, booties, baby leg warmers, hats, cowls, scarfs... the list goes on. I was able to make some of the hats I wore while I had cancer to keep my poor head covered and warm, as well as hats for my friends who have also had cancer. The most sacred knitting project I have done was the little soft white blanket I knit for Clayton that I wrapped him in before we buried him. Something that kept my hands and mind busy for the days between his birth and burial. The only temporal thing I ever made for my son I was able to make with my two hands, running every fiber of that yarn through my fingers. Yes, knitting is a very dear friend to me.

As the wind has grown a bit colder and the leaves have been falling from the trees, I've found myself once again with a burning desire to knit my new baby a pumpkin hat to wear for Halloween. This is the first project I've encountered since having him, and I was able to finish it up just before the big day!

It's fun for me to look back on the first pumpkin hat I made and see how much my knitting has improved over these last five years. This hat was a bit trickier than the first (I used this pattern), but I love the way it turned out. I wanted to take some pictures of it with Baby G modeling his new hat, so I waited until he was in a super happy mood. He was all smiles and coo's one afternoon so I grabbed the hat and had my husband hold him outside to take a few pictures.

And this is what I got...

In case you are wondering... yes, he's totally glaring at me in this picture for making him wear a stupid pumpkin hat.

Seriously!! Ugh... he really does not like the hat! I'm not sure if it's too tight or he just doesn't like hats, but he was not happy with us. We took a little break and let him say hi to the ladies before we tried for more pictures.

No such luck (and he couldn't have cared less for the chickens)...

Back inside with the hat off, he's as happy as can be again.

Oh well! He's still wearing it for Halloween. Or at least until we get tired of him complaining about it. We tried again to have him wear the hat later that night and he did a little better. No smiles but at least he wasn't fussy about it.

Even if my sons don't fully appreciate the Halloween pumpkin hat, I'm sure grateful that I can make such things for them. And that this silly desire of mine has sparked such a fun and relaxing hobby for me.

Outdoor tub...

I was talking to some friends the other day about living in a remote place... away from neighbors and paved roads. This idea is so appealing to me, possibly for no other reason than I could have an outdoor tub!

This is on the short list of things I would like in my future home. I do realize that in order to do this we really would have to live away from civilization. Or at least have a ton of trees and some privacy screens. But I love the idea of having a tub outside. Soaking in the tub is one of my favorite things to do, and I think it would only enhance the experience to do it outside, under the stars, with the wind blowing by...

And no, this is not the same as having a hot tub. Not at all. First of all chlorine... yuck! And it's just a different experience to be in a hot tub as opposed to a regular tub.

Yes, I realize this might not be super realistic... but oh I'm hopeful! Anyone out there have any dreams for your living space that might seem a little different?

And no you can't be my neighbor!!! (just kidding...)


Image 1, 2, 3

Birthday's and check up's...

We had a few big things happen around here last week. The first was that this little cutie turned SIX!!!

 

He is growing up so fast (I know we all say that don't we?). He is settling into his new role as big brother and has become way less overbearing/smothering of his new little brother and has become quite the big helper around here. I always knew he would be a great big brother, and he most certainly is. I thought the adjustment to no long being an only child would be fine because he is so much older... but I was wrong. Turns out when you've been the only child for almost 6 years and suddenly lots of attention goes to this new little baby, it's pretty tough. But he is adjusting as we all are and doing so well. I just need to be sure to give him his own individual time and attention everyday when I can. We had fun with his birthday, and I think it came at the perfect time. He was ready for the day to just be about him ;). We are sure grateful to have this boy in our family!

The next big thing that happened is that I had my 3 1/2 year cancer appointment. These things always sneak up on me, and I really hate doing the check up's twice a year. I'm just so glad that life has moved on and that I am no longer living in "that place" anymore. It's hard to get checked with that little thought in my mind that everything could change so fast... and go from pretty great to pretty crappy. I had a chest x-ray done, which I was supposed to do in April but did not due to Baby G cooking inside. Thankfully that came back totally normal. My doctor said that my blood looked amazing, especially considering I'd just had a baby two months before. And especially with the blood problems I had having that baby. Even though my body has been through some tough stuff, it really has bounced back fast from all it's gone through. For that I am super grateful...

With all this on my mind, my baby boy turning six, my cancer check up, and this new little guy who is bringing so much joy and happiness into my life... it was an intense week. In the middle of it all I got a message in my e-mail from a dear friend of mine who left a comment on my old blog. The one that I poured my little heart out on while going through those tough times. Her comment read:

I just want to tell that Meg that I love her and give her a big hug. "Hang in there, it's hard, but I know what happens later!". That boy is so sweet.

I went back and read the post that she had written this on and my oh my... it brought back so many emotions. I remember that place so well, that dark, sad, fragile place that I was in. I'm grateful for the hard times because they have made the good times in my life so much sweeter. Anyway, I wanted to share the post on here... and I am grateful to know what happens later too! I wish I could have told that Meg exactly what four years later would hold. This was written November 2009...

Not too long ago I had a little mini breakdown... Lucky for me it came right when it was time for Blue to take a nap. So I put Blue in his crib (oh how I miss that...) and shut the door... and let it all out. Blue heard me crying and after a few minutes I hear...

"Meg... you sad. Meg... you sad? Meg..."

How could I ignore that? So I broke my cardinal rule and went into his room. He was standing at the side of the crib looking very concerned. I'm not sure why but for some reason I decided to try and explain what was going on with me to him.

Me - "Blue, mommy is sad. Mom just wants to have a baby... I don't want to have cancer."
Blue - Confused look for a minute... "A baby? A baby? BABY!"
Me- "Why on earth am I trying to explain this to a two year old?!?! Go to bed."

Ya, the conversation was an interesting one wasn't it. It's been an experience in itself to have this little boy who is the center of my world have no clue what is really going on here. He is who I spend 95% of my waking hours with and he is just too young to even begin to understand any of this. I think that it's a real blessing honestly. He doesn't let me sit around in a pity party for too long. He wants to play and have fun and have a fun mom to do those things with. He knows that he gets to go and play with his friends every once in a while and mom disappears... but what's so bad about that? He knows that mom doesn't have any hair but he just thinks it's "funny". He knows that mom likes to sleep a lot, and when dad is home mom is usually "sleeping". He likes to sneak into my room and crawl under the covers and pretend to sleep with me for about two seconds before he decides that it's a lot funner to jump on mom instead.

I'm so grateful to have this little boy. I'm reminded every time I look into his sweet little face what it is I'm really fighting for. Even when I'm feeling awful and I just want to lay in bed until March, he doesn't let me. He needs me to take care of him and I'm so grateful that I have him to take care of... someone to take my mind off of everything that is going on. He makes me smile every day. Hopefully, he wont remember any of this and the day will come when I will just tell him how much he saved me during this crappy time. I'm so grateful for this little boy.

I am so grateful for this boy!!!!! He is still my sunshine on the darkest day. The time is getting closer when I can sit down with him and try to explain just how much he saved me during that time. I think he still needs to be a little older before we have this talk though. I've just started telling him about my having cancer and what that was like, because he doesn't remember at all and doesn't really understand what cancer is still.

Thank you, dear friend, for the reminder... of just how lucky I am and how sweet life really is.

Baby G's nursery...

 In the most beloved story of a baby’s birth, there was no decorated nursery or designer crib—

only a manger for the Savior of the world.

 - Neil L. Andersen October 2011 General Conference

 

 

I love this quote by Elder Andersen. This talk really spoke to me two years ago when we were trying to bring a new baby to our family. We were about to move in with my in law's while my husband was trying to find a job, and I knew that wherever we ended up living was not going to be a big luxurious place. I also knew that it was most likely going to be a hard few years financially while my husband started and settled into his career, and there was not going to be a designer crib in our future.

 

We live in a very small house. Super small. But we love it and it has been a comfortable place for our little family of three. When we found out we were pregnant, we really didn't want to leave! But I knew that meant that there would be no room for this little baby. There really would be no decorated nursery... at all. So the title of this post is a little misleading because Baby G does not have a nursery, or a room of his own, or even a room shared with his brother (yet...). Baby G lives in our living room, and all of his stuff is in a lovely dresser.

 

It's tricky for sure, but it works for us right now. It honestly was a little nice to only have to worry about getting the dresser done before he was born and not having to decorate a whole nursery. We have plans of making a loft bed for Blue that we will put the crib under, but not until the baby starts sleeping through the night (meaning 12 hours) and who knows when that will be. So for now, he sleeps out in the living room and it is working surprisingly well.

 

Part of me feels a little humbled to share this, but the rest of me just feels grateful for what we have. I've thought a lot about the woman who first lived in this home with her FIVE children. Holy smokes! Surely I can make it work for our two children right?

 

So without further adieu... here is Baby G's humble nursery...

 

Before I talk about the dresser, I want to talk about this bed! It's a Fisher Price Rock and Play Sleeper, and I love it. It was an impulse buy when he was waking up every 2-3 hours at night and I was so exhausted!! He really wasn't sleeping well laying on his back in the pack and play, so I needed to figure something else out for my own sanity. I'd heard about this bed and read the hundreds of reviews on Amazon before driving over to Target and picking one up. I'm not usually an impulse buyer, but man was it worth it! The first night he slept in this he did a 6 hour stretch. He now does a 6-9 hour stretch in there every night. I like how little it is and that it's easy to move around, it works so well with our "baby doesn't really have a room" situation. It's hard to see it's full beauty in this picture because I have a big blanket in there, but I really love it.

 

I talked in this post about my plans to redecorate the living room and how I wasn't sure what color we were going to paint the dresser. Well, yellow won out and I love it! The color is Behr's Sweet Maple and I love looking at this bright and cheery dresser everyday. It makes me smile! And someday when Baby G does have a room to call his own I can work this into his room better than I could teal. So yellow it was.

 

I did something that I had never done before when I refinished it which was make my own chalk paint. IT WAS AMAZING!!! I have painted a lot of furniture before and let me tell you, this is the way to go! I followed this tutorial and was so happy with how it turned out. I wanted to distress it a little, so I sanded the dresser before hand and then stained all the edges with a dark brown stain. Then I rubbed a white candle over all the places that I wanted to distress and painted two coats of yellow over the dresser. This chalk paint goes on so smooth and thick, that's all it took! I only used 2 cups of paint for the whole dresser. Then when the paint was dry I went over the edges with some fine grit sand paper and got just the right amount of dark wood showing through.

 

 

I bought the hardware off of Ebay because it was so much cheaper than the exact same drawer pulls from both Home Depot and Lowes. They were just the right touch.

 

 

I'm still needing to make a cover for the changing pad when I get around to it. I love the way the yellow looks with my pallet art on the wall above. Baby G loves looking at this while he's getting changed. I think it's the contrast between the dark wood and the white.

And inside are all of the baby clothes, extra wipes and diapers, blankets, burp cloths, shoes, toys, everything!

In the little basket on top I have easy access diapers and wipes, plus a little metal bucket that holds my small baby accessories. Nail clippers, binkies, bulb syringe, and plastic bags for stinky diapers.

There you have it! My super easy, low key, nursery solution for the time being. I like the simplicity of it. It has really helped me to not go overboard on baby stuff because we can really only fit what will fit in the dresser.

Fussy...

I was trying to get a good picture of Baby G today that I could print off and give to his Great Grandma. She has a hallway lined with pictures of her family members, and a special section with all of her great-grandbabies. But I tell you, this baby does not want to cooperate! He is just still really fussy... and every picture I took has a scowl on his face.

Blue was a fussy baby. It was so hard to be cried at all day, everyday, for the first three months of his life. And then one day he just sort of snapped out of it. I know that will happen with this baby too... but darn it I was really hoping that he would be a calmer baby. Oh well, we will get through it!

And look at Blue now... he has the best smile around, always lights up a room. I think my favorite sound in the world is that boy's joyful laugh. He is such a happy kid for the most part, and sweet as can be. So maybe fussy babies make happy kids? I'm hoping so!

We've tried all sorts of things to help the fussiness around here. Swaddling, mylicon, gripe water, white noise, etc, etc. The only things that seem to sort of work is going outside and giving him a warm bath. He LOVES it outside and he LOVES baths. But I can't have him in the tub all day, and it's getting colder around these parts so hopefully something else will work if this carries on. I've thought about picking up some Colic Calm, but man that is pricy for fancy gripe water. I've also been tempted to take him to the chiropractor to see if that helps at all but that makes me a little nervous. We are just going to wait this one out I think...

I'm thankful for all the baby whisperers that have come into my life lately though. Even if it's just someone to hold him for 10 minutes to try and calm him down. Just to see someone else holding him and working with him makes me feel better. I have some dear friends that have stopped by and held my boy so that I can get something done or just take a break when he's being really fussy. Bless them!

Thirty...

Cuddling my boys... my last day being 29.

 

I spent the last few days of my twenties in one of the most beautiful places in the world. Golden leaves, crisp air, dirt roads, and snow!!! It was pretty cold the first few days but then everything melted and the beautiful fall scenery came out.

I've come to terms with the fact that my birthday falls on the deer hunt every year. Instead of being mad that my husband is totally preoccupied with hunting that week, I try to go along so that Trent doesn't have to pick between me and the hunt. I get to enjoy being in a place that I love and relax while he goes and does his thing during the day. We weren't really able to go out and do too many walks/hikes like I had hoped because I didn't want the baby to get too cold. Instead we sat around the fire in the cabin and mostly cuddled Baby G while the kids played.

I found my thoughts centering around my life, this stage in my life, and the fact that I was turning the big 30 that weekend. Ahhhh.... thirty. I'm happy to be thirty. I guess I feel like I should really be an adult now... or something like that. I've been thinking about what I want my life to be like in my thirties as opposed to what they were like in my twenties.

Two things seem to hit home the most. The first is that I spent most of my twenties longing for babies. Longing to be a mother. One of my biggest challenges in my twenties was getting these boys here to our family. I've spent the last four years of my life hoping/longing/pleading to have another baby. And here he is... I have this beautiful boy in my arms. Such a weight has been lifted from my heart. I'm relieved that I wont be longing for a baby this year. That I will be taking care of a baby instead.

 

With that comes the second thing... I've been pretty sad and depressed while longing for this baby. I haven't taken care of my body the way that I should have. I justified a lot of poor choices (yes I mean food choices) because I was trying to fill a big void in my life. With just having a baby and turning 30 I'm finding myself really wanting to take better care of my body. I'm not the young 24 year old I was when I had Blue and I can already tell I'm going to have to work a lot harder to get this baby weight off. I guess I'm accepting that I'm getting a bit older and I need to make healthy eating a bigger priority.

Because I now have two boys who call me mom, and they deserve the very best of me...

 

So our weekend in a sentence... Husband got his deer, I turned 30, Blue built his first snowman of the season, and Baby G did his first 7 hour stretch of sleeping. Life is good! Life is full of beautiful things right now. Thirty is going to be great... I can feel it!



Adjusting...

We're adjusting to this new little guy and finding our groove as a family of four. It's so different to have a newborn again. I'd forgotten just how much work newborns are. It's been hard to figure out how to take care of these THREE boys and still find time to do something for myself. Here are a few things that I've learned in the last six weeks...

:: Waking up and taking a shower in the morning is something I no longer have the luxury of doing ;). So I'm learning that if I want to shower I need to do it the night before.
:: I feel much better in the morning if I've gone to bed before 11 the night before. If I don't get to bed until after midnight I just don't get enough sleep to be a half decent mom and wife.
:: Everyday I try to either do laundry or do the dishes. I've yet to find the time to do both in the same day.
:: I'm starting to understand why so many of my friends and family members who are mom's to lots of young babes can't survive without diet coke. I've been tempted, but I just can't bring myself to do it. But oh... I totally get it now ;).
:: That whole "put your air mask on first" thing applies to motherhood. I'm much happier if I take the time to take care of myself first. Such as make sure I eat breakfast (or any meal), get dressed, look presentable, get something done that I want to get done. Even if it means let the baby cry for a minute when I finish up what I'm doing.
:: We all feel better if we get out of the house at some point of the day. Being cooped up isn't good for any of us.
:: Most tasks only take a few minute. Such as folding a basket of laundry, vacuuming the floor, cleaning the toilet, etc. If I have a few minutes to do something productive I feel much better afterwards than if I just waste my time on my phone or something like that ;).
:: Cuddling my other two boys during the day make for more helpful boys.
:: When I get overly emotional and feel like I can't handle this, I feel a lot better if I just take a nap (thankfully my husband has been helpful with this).

Something fun that happened this week is I took Baby G in to the doc (that part wasn't fun...) and they weighed him as they tend to do. My boy has almost doubled his birth weight in the last 6 weeks!! He weighed in at 10 lbs 7 oz!!! That was a proud mom moment for me. All of this nursing around the clock and trying to fatten this little guy up is working!! It reminded me of when Blue was 10 lbs and I found the picture I took of him in his car seat with this silly "10 lbs club" badge that we had. So I tried to take a pic of Baby G in his car seat too to see how similar they look at the same weight...

They aren't in the exact same position, but it's fun to see how alike they are in their looks. They look different in a lot of ways, but those lips, and cheeks, and cute little noses... little clones of each other.

Baby G's birth story - Part 2

Read Part 1 here.

2:00 PM: After my doctor broke my water my wonderful doula showed up. I feel very blessed to have met Rachelle. We wanted to hire a doula when we decided to really go for this natural birth thing, but I didn't have a clue how to find a doula that I felt comfortable with being there when I gave birth. Rachelle moved into my ward several months ago and was just getting certified to be a doula. I'm so glad that she agreed to be there for my birth. We've become very dear friends in the last few months and I was so glad that she was there! Part of me wanted to have a doula that knew my story, who knew that the last time I had a baby he died... who knew that I was in remission for cancer and that we've waited a long time for this baby. I just wasn't sure how I would be emotionally at the birth and I wanted someone there (besides Trent) who knew what this meant for me.

When Rachelle showed up, Trent left to go find some food before the party began. That's when I lost it. I couldn't help the tears from flowing. I was so upset, frustrated, mad... There I was sitting on the bed, waiting the impending contractions to start, and Rachelle grabbed some nail polish out of my purse and some oils and gave me a great foot rub and painted my toenails. She made me talk it out. She made me talk about what it was that was bothering me so much. There were quite a few little things that were bothering me, but the big thing that I was so upset about was that I really wish that my body could do something "normal" for once. Not to always be having complications. I just wanted to have a normal, natural birth. There is just always something going on with me it seems... and I get tired of it. I really did not want to be induced, yet here we were having an induction. Rachelle reminded me that yes my body was having a hard time and there were complications, but that I was about to do something amazing! In spite of the complications I was going to get to let my body do what it was born to do... birth a baby. I was going to have my baby the way I wanted to, and I was going to rock it! That's exactly what I needed to hear... and with pretty red toenails and a new outlook on the events ahead of me, we started labor.

And I did indeed rock it (or at least that's what I'm telling myself)...

Contractions came on and off, but around 4:00 PM they started getting regular. We tried different positions to labor in but the one that was most comfortable with was sitting on the side of the bed. I wanted to keep my body upright so that I could have gravity do it's thing and hopefully not have too long of a labor. We turned the lights off, played some soft soothing music in the back ground, and my labor team (Trent and Rachelle) and I did the whole thing together.

 

Resting between contractions...

Here is basically how it went... Whenever I would have a contraction I would put my arms around Trent's neck (who was sitting on a stool in front of me) and I would just try to melt into him. I was feeling most of the pressure/pain of the contractions in my lower back and stomach, so Rachelle in her doula wisdom took a bed sheet and wrapped it around my stomach and tied a knot in the back. Then with every contraction she would use her body weight and pull on the sheet to give me counter pressure in the front and she would use her other hand and push on my lower back to give me counter pressure there as well. It was amazing! That was my epidural right there... and it worked surprisingly well. Rachelle would also touch my shoulders if she could tell they were tense and it would remind me to relax. She would talk to me, remind me of my "special place" that I would go to in my head like the hypnobabies would have me do. I don't know if it was just because I knew that an epidural wasn't an option, or if it was because I never really felt like I needed it... but it honestly never crossed my mind during labor to even want an epidural. Sure it was intense, and there was pain, and darn it I was not able to wrap my mind around how to put myself under hypnosis while I was having a contraction so I could have a pain free labor, but it was totally manageable. I never cried, or screamed, or felt like I was out of control. Was it the worst pain I've ever felt in my life (as most people tell you natural childbirth is)??? Not by a long shot! I've been in much worse pain before. The beauty of how childbirth is designed is that you get a break between contractions. Yes they were intense, but only for a short time and then I could take a break and talk, drink some water, suck on ice chips, gear up before the next one started.

Being that I was having a VBAC they wanted to be monitoring the baby's heart rate at all times. But since I was not laboring in bed in a good position for them to do this externally, they had to put an electrode monitor on his head. I also had an IV for penicillin since I was strep B positive. And the worst "hook up" that I had was the horrible magnesium sulfate. I've heard horror stories about this drug before... and they were all true! I guess people with HELLP syndrome can go into seizures they give all patients with HELLP magnesium sulfate to prevent that. This is also a drug that they use on women who are in preterm labor to stop their contractions. So what they did was wait to give me the mag sulfate until I was in active labor, in hopes that it would not cause my labor to slow down. So while I was in the thick of labor, having contractions every 2 minutes, they hooked me up to this awful drug. I didn't want it, but they basically told me that if I didn't take it I would be going against medical advice... which opens a whole new can of worms. So I consented, and they started this awful drug in my IV. It made me get super hot and have really blurry vision. So the rest of the time I was in labor I did so with my eyes closed, and Trent and Rachelle were great about putting wet washcloths on my forehead and neck to try and ease some of the discomfort. Thankfully it did not stop my labor.

I labored on the side of the bed for a long while and then Rachelle wanted me to change positions. I ended up still staying upright and laboring on a birthing ball by the side of the bed. I had no clue where I was at with my dilation and I didn't know how fast things were progressing, just that the contractions were getting really strong and closer together. After being there for a while my contractions changed and started feeling even more intense. This was where I felt like I couldn't do this forever... and my contractions started to change. I started to feel like I needed to push at the end of the contraction. So we called in the nurse to have her check me. She told me that I was dilated to an 8 and to call her back when that pushy feeling didn't go away between contractions. It was literally about 2 contractions later that the pushy feeling didn't go away.

7:10ish PM: Then all the excitement started to happen. My doctor came into the room and had me hop up on the bed (not sure how well I "hopped" but I got up there somehow) and she checked me. I was complete and ready to push. The room started filling with people, nurses, the team for the baby. My doctor started to say something about there being variables and I needed to get the baby out quick. I had no clue what variables meant, I guess the baby's heart rate was starting to drop during contractions. That could mean a lot of different things, like the cord is compressed as the baby goes into the birth canal... but it also can mean that there is a uterine rupture. So my doctor needed me to get him out as soon as I could. I tried pushing one time laying on the bed and it was the most uncomfortable way to push imaginable. So they took off the end of the bed and put a squat bar on there so that I could keep working with gravity and squat on the end of the bed during contractions and push.

Oh my... I did not like the pushing stage. I felt like I had no clue how to effectively push the baby out. Each push felt like I was getting nowhere and that the baby was not budging. Between each one my doctor would say, "Come on Meg, you have to get this baby out on the next push." So I would push my hardest... and nothing. This was the first time I really felt doubt that I could do this, "He's not coming out... I don't know how to push him out!" I said. Then all my cheerleaders would cheer me on and tell me how great I was doing and that he was almost out. It felt like forever, but I guess I was only pushing for 15-20 minutes. At 7:37 PM (just 3 1/2 hours after real labor started) with one final push as hard as I could muster.... I felt a pop and his head was out. I kept pushing between the contraction and his shoulders came out and out slid his little body. I laid back on the bed and they put him right on my chest for me to see.

My darling boy was here! I did it! I couldn't believe it! And my next thought was how on earth do people push out regular sized babies? I don't know if I could do that! I was really glad that he was so little ;).

Trent cut the cord and my doctor delivered the placenta. I wanted to see it so with my blurred vision I looked at it the best I could.

Even though he was born 4 weeks early he was perfectly fine! He never had any problems breathing or had to go to the NICU. He was 5 lbs 13 oz, so he's just a little guy. But he has done great!! Such a blessing!

I had a few superficial tears that my doctor stitched up. I laid there with my baby and waited for that amazing, euphoric feeling to sweep over me that you are supposed to experience with natural childbirth, but it didn't happen. Instead I looked at my doctor and said, "I don't feel very good right now."

I'm including this picture above not only so you can see the stats on my little guy, but so you can see pale, pale me in the background. I was losing blood very fast. After you have a baby your uterus is supposed to contract back down to a smaller size, but mine did not. Finally that dumb magnesium sulfate had taken it's toll, and my uterus quit working. It just stopped. Instead of contracting back down it just kept filling up with blood. And this was the most painful part of the whole delivery, having my doctor stick her whole arm up there and pull out massively large blood clots. Oh my, that hurt so bad! The first time I said "ouch" was now. I wasn't handling that very well. So my doctor looked at me and said, "Is it okay if we take you into the OR and put you under anesthesia so that I can do this?" YES!!! That was okay with me. I couldn't handle the pain of her working up there without any pain killers on board. So I passed my sweet boy over to his daddy, and they wheeled me off into the operating room.

I'm not totally sure what happened in the OR, but I know that they had to turn off the magnesium sulfate so that my uterus would start working again. I also know that I had lost so much blood that they had to transfuse two full units of blood into my body. I've never had a transfusion before, but I'm so grateful that people donate blood. It was a scary ending to an amazing birth experience, but I'm so glad that I was with my doctor, in the hospital, to birth this baby.

And this is when they officially told me that I had HELLP syndrome, and I had no clue what that meant! Not sure why they didn't tell me before that point, but I'm just grateful that they did what needed to be done to help me and my little guy. It wasn't until I googled it on my phone the next day that I realized how scary and serious that was.

I realize that this is the worst picture probably ever of me. I was so puffy and swollen, I'm assuming from the mag sulfate... but it's an important one so I'm sharing it anyway. Here is my amazing birthing team, just after I was brought into recovery from the OR. Rachelle and Trent, I could not have done it without them!

 

We stayed in the hospital for two days. I had to stay on the magnesium sulfate for 24 hours after they re-started it. That was pretty awful. I couldn't get up to walk to the restroom by myself. I couldn't even lift my legs to get out of bed. I could barely stay conscious when visitors came by and everything was blurry anyway. I was really glad when they were able to take me off that drug.

 

 I left the hospital very anemic. Normal hemoglobin (red blood cell) levels for women should be above 13.5. I left the hospital with mine at 7.5... so extremely low. I should have probably gotten another blood transfusion but I declined it, mostly because I didn't want to be in the hospital for another day. So recovery from this has been a lot harder than I was expecting. I'm taking iron and eating all the red meat and spinach shakes I can handle, but I haven't felt well since I had the baby. I feel like I'm just now starting to feel a little more "normal" as far as energy levels go.

 

So there it is, Baby G's birth story in a nutshell. We are so glad that he is here and that even though there were complications that we are both okay. I wish that it wasn't so hard for me to have babies... but I now have these beautiful boys that I love so much and am so happy I get to be their mom!

Baby G's birth story - Part 1

So much of what happened with Baby G's birth happened before the actual labor started, so I'm going to do Part 1 which is what happened before he was born, and Part 2 the actual birth. And turns out it's pretty lengthy... sorry about that! I've made the major points large if you want to just skim through... this is mostly for my own record.

I've already written about a lot of what happened in the few weeks before he was born. I wrote here about how at 33 weeks I woke up two nights in a row with contractions. The second night they were every 3 minutes and it really scared me, enough to get me down to the hospital and to have the betamethasone shots that mature the baby's lungs. I had my husband give me a priesthood blessing when we got home and he said some very comforting things in that blessing. Afterwards he said that he didn't say this in the blessing because he wasn't sure if it was just what he was thinking in his head or if he was prompted to say it, but that he really thought that the baby would be coming early. What was strange was after that incident, I didn't have any other problems with contractions. I was taking it easy, but I felt silly because the problem seemed to disappear. I was sure that it was just a fluke and that the baby would probably be overdue after all those dramatics.

But I couldn't put the nagging feeling aside that even though I felt fine now, that the baby would be coming early. I even started having some strange experiences where I felt like there was a presence around me all the time, just standing behind my left shoulder. I tried to explain this to my friends at playgroup but I'm sure I just sounded like I had lost my mind and I was a crazy person. I told them that I felt like something was going to happen because I could feel people hanging around me. Yes, I realize that sounds nutty. It was almost like they were helping me get ready, reminding me of things I needed to get done. Nagging me so to speak. I told Trent one night that I thought that maybe I was going to die, and these people were here because they were going to take me to the other side. I've never had an experience like that where it lasted so long and I could feel a presence around me so strong. So I started getting things together around my house. I got out all the baby clothes and put them away. I charged my camera battery and cleared a bunch of pictures off my camera. I took the picture in front of the shed that I'd been wanting to take for months. I got things in order.

Then there was the drama of my doctor feeling like I would not have a fair trial of labor at the hospital that she worked at and wanted me to switch hospitals and doctors at the last minute. Talk about stress. She and I were both trying to find a doctor that would take me on at that point. The only place I was able to find that would even give me an appointment was a group of midwives that delivered at the other hospital. So I made an appointment with them for Wednesday, July 31st. I was really sad about this, I really love my doctor and I trusted her. But if she felt this was best, I was going to do it. It also really affirmed to me that I was 100% wanting to have a natural VBAC, I was no longer on the fence about this. And I wanted that more than to stick with my doctor and chance delivering at her hospital.

Then Wednesday, July 31st when I was 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant... I woke up and had been bleeding a lot. Crap. What is going on now? (That morning I really felt like I needed to get up and get my hospital bag packed, but I didn't listen. I really wish I would have!) I've bled on and off for this whole pregnancy but nothing since about 22 weeks pregnant. And nothing like what I woke up to that morning. I debated on what I should do... I had an appointment that afternoon with the midwife group, but I felt funny about going to that and saying, by the way I'm bleeding a lot. So I called my doctor on her cell phone and said, "Look, I know that you want me to switch hospitals, but I'm having this problem and I really feel like I should get checked out." She agreed and had me come right up to her office. She examined me and didn't feel good about the amount I was bleeding. She wanted me to have an ultrasound done by the perinatologist to see if they could find a source of the bleeding. So she sent me over to labor and delivery to be monitored and have some labs drawn until they could get me in for an ultrasound. Also, when I came in for the appointment my blood pressure was high. It had not been high for my whole pregnancy, so that was a little concerning as well.

Turns out they were too busy, and they couldn't see me that day. But they wouldn't let me go home and come back the next day for the appointment, they wanted me to stay over night so I could be monitored and then go to the appointment the next day. I was pretty frustrated at this. I did not want to pay a hospital bill for an overnight stay when I wasn't even having the baby! But I stayed, and had the most uncomfortable night ever sleeping in one of the labor and delivery beds. Oh it was horrible. At some point during the night they told me that my labs had come back abnormal. My platelet count was really low. The normal low range was 150 and mine was 86. So for some reason my blood wasn't doing so great.

The next morning we had my ultrasound appointment and they couldn't find a source for the bleeding. They just had to assume it was because I had a placental abruption somewhere. But with my high blood pressure, and low platelet count they felt like it would probably be best for me to have the baby soon. He also gave me clearance to have a VBAC, which was really important because now I was at the hospital that was implementing these crazy rules for VBAC's and probably wouldn't give me a fair trial at labor. But having clearance from him gave me a foot in the door to be able to do it. I think at this point they suspected that I had HELLP syndrome, but they didn't tell me that at all.

After my doctor talked to the perinatologist about what he thought she came into my room and we talked about inducing my labor that day. I was really nervous about being induced... we've all heard that having Pitocin to induce when you are going natural is an awful thing, so I was worried about that. They also don't like to give Pitocin when you've had a prior C-section because it can increase your risk of a uterine rupture. So we decided the best option was to have her break my water. One thing that made this a great choice was that my body was already progressing. She checked me and I was now dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced, so we weren't starting from square one.

There was one little catch here that came up when we were talking about induction. That was that since my platelet count was so low (it had dropped to 70 at this point) they would not allow me to have a C-section due to too much blood loss. Not only that, they would not let me have an epidural due to the possibility of bleeding into my spine. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I say that because I was shocked that the tables had turned to being completely what I wanted! My doctor wanted me to have an epidural placed in case I couldn't handle the natural labor, just as an option. So she had the anesthesiologist come into the room and they discussed in front of me this dilemma that was at hand. He said absolutely no way would he place an epidural. The risk was too great. She wanted to see if they could give me a platelet transfusion so that I could have the option, which is something they had never done before... the answer was no.

I laid on the bed watching the two of them go back and forth, trying to figure out a way that I could get an epidural, and I felt the most comforting calm come over me. I had been prepared for this. For years I have felt like I needed to prepare for a natural delivery. I always thought it was so I could have a successful VBAC... but really I felt so strongly at that moment that Heavenly Father knew all along that I would face this one day, and I needed to be prepared. I can't even imagine being told that I had no other option than a natural delivery if I had been planning on an epidural or a repeat C-section. Seriously... I would have freaked out! But instead I felt totally calm, I knew that I could do this. I had been preparing for months and months for a natural delivery and now was the time. I was going to do it!

As fate would have it, my in laws were on their way up to Bear Lake for our family reunion and stopped by the hospital so that my husband and father in law could give me a priesthood blessing before labor started. It was a beautiful blessing, and as soon as it was over my doctor came in to break my water. It was go time.

Coming soon in Part 2 - Labor and what happened afterwards...

My own bouquet...

I've been overwhelmed at how truly amazing people have been since we had our baby. We have been poured upon with presents, dinners, service... it has been a beautiful thing to feel so loved by so many people around us. I've just been amazed as to how giving and loving people are. We've been really blessed, and it has been so nice to be able to sit back and take care of my baby while other people have helped take care of us.

I wanted to share this sweet card that I got from my cousin after we had the baby. Sometimes the gifts that touch our hearts the most are the ones that are so simple, yet hold so much meaning. She gave me this little tiny picture...

Once upon a time I poured my heart into this post about white daisies and the meaning that they have to me. She said that she thought about getting me a bouquet of daisies but she wanted to give me one that would last. I cherish this little card of white daisies. The thing I have longed for the most for so many years is finally in my arms.

I've been on a super emotional roller coaster ride this last month. The lack of sleep, the not feeling well, recovering from the birth, and then the realization that I really do have a baby. It's been hard, but it's been so worth it. We are so grateful to have this little boy here. Sometimes I want to pinch myself, because I can't believe that it really worked out, that we really have a baby. It's been surreal.

The coop and the ladies...

 We have the coolest old root cellar in the back yard that is original with the house. But up until this point it has just been cool to look at, not a usable space for us. I was always afraid to go in there because I was sure it was full of black widows or something.

Husband got the idea that it would be cool to turn it into a chicken coop. So he asked our awesome landlord if we could do it... and she said sure! I was thinking that he would wait until springtime when the new baby chicks come out. Nope. He got right to work cleaning out the root cellar. It took a few days, he said there was a squirrel nest in there with a dead squirrel in it (RIP little squirrel) and it was FULL of walnuts. Anywhere a squirrel could have possible stuck a nut there was a nut there. So he cleaned out all the old nuts and stuff that had been stored in there for 50+ years and built a roosting shelf for some chickens.

Then he looked on KSL to see if there was anyone who was trying to get rid of some hens. Sure enough, there was a lady who had five hens that were a year old that they were done taking care of. So he went and picked up the hens for super cheap and we now have five ladies residing in the root cellar...

 They are super tame and pretty birds. They are really great with Blue which is wonderful since he likes to pick them up and carry them around. Now that we've settled on some names for them, here are the ladies.

And for the inside of the coop. I think it's the coolest chicken coop ever! I love that we can use this space for something now. Trent has built a big feeder and turned our old cooler into a watering station so we could leave for a while and they would still be fed just fine.

We've put hay down on the shelves and wood chips on the ground so that when it comes time to clean the coop we can sweep everything up and replace it with new stuff... hopefully it stays less stinky that way. I think that it's pretty awesome!

First morning after we picked up the ladies the boys went out to check for eggs... none yet!

But we've since been getting 3-5 eggs every day and they are beautiful! And yummy! I'm glad my husband was willing to do all the work since I've decided my only job in life right now is to nurse a baby.

Introducing...

Baby G

born August 1st at 7:37 PM

Weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz and 18 1/2 inches long

 

He was born 4 weeks early due to some complications that I was having.

But he is doing great! Never had to spend any time in the NICU. He is the sweetest little guy.

We are all so smitten around here by him, and we are glad he is here safe and sound.

 

I found out last Thursday that I had HELLP syndrome and we needed to have him born that day. So the super short version of the story is that I was induced by having my water broken, started labor 2 hours later, and 3 1/2 hours after that we had our little boy. I was able to have a VBAC and have him without an epidural. Maybe I'll share the long version of the story sometime... still not sure about that! It turned out to be one of the best, most rewarding, yet hardest and scariest experiences of my life. 

 

 

The best part of the story is that I was able to bring my little baby home with me. Something I have longed for and looked forward to for the past four years. It was as wonderful as I hoped it would be.

 

Things might be quiet around here for the next little while as we adjust to this new little guy.