Thirty...

Cuddling my boys... my last day being 29.

 

I spent the last few days of my twenties in one of the most beautiful places in the world. Golden leaves, crisp air, dirt roads, and snow!!! It was pretty cold the first few days but then everything melted and the beautiful fall scenery came out.

I've come to terms with the fact that my birthday falls on the deer hunt every year. Instead of being mad that my husband is totally preoccupied with hunting that week, I try to go along so that Trent doesn't have to pick between me and the hunt. I get to enjoy being in a place that I love and relax while he goes and does his thing during the day. We weren't really able to go out and do too many walks/hikes like I had hoped because I didn't want the baby to get too cold. Instead we sat around the fire in the cabin and mostly cuddled Baby G while the kids played.

I found my thoughts centering around my life, this stage in my life, and the fact that I was turning the big 30 that weekend. Ahhhh.... thirty. I'm happy to be thirty. I guess I feel like I should really be an adult now... or something like that. I've been thinking about what I want my life to be like in my thirties as opposed to what they were like in my twenties.

Two things seem to hit home the most. The first is that I spent most of my twenties longing for babies. Longing to be a mother. One of my biggest challenges in my twenties was getting these boys here to our family. I've spent the last four years of my life hoping/longing/pleading to have another baby. And here he is... I have this beautiful boy in my arms. Such a weight has been lifted from my heart. I'm relieved that I wont be longing for a baby this year. That I will be taking care of a baby instead.

 

With that comes the second thing... I've been pretty sad and depressed while longing for this baby. I haven't taken care of my body the way that I should have. I justified a lot of poor choices (yes I mean food choices) because I was trying to fill a big void in my life. With just having a baby and turning 30 I'm finding myself really wanting to take better care of my body. I'm not the young 24 year old I was when I had Blue and I can already tell I'm going to have to work a lot harder to get this baby weight off. I guess I'm accepting that I'm getting a bit older and I need to make healthy eating a bigger priority.

Because I now have two boys who call me mom, and they deserve the very best of me...

 

So our weekend in a sentence... Husband got his deer, I turned 30, Blue built his first snowman of the season, and Baby G did his first 7 hour stretch of sleeping. Life is good! Life is full of beautiful things right now. Thirty is going to be great... I can feel it!



Adjusting...

We're adjusting to this new little guy and finding our groove as a family of four. It's so different to have a newborn again. I'd forgotten just how much work newborns are. It's been hard to figure out how to take care of these THREE boys and still find time to do something for myself. Here are a few things that I've learned in the last six weeks...

:: Waking up and taking a shower in the morning is something I no longer have the luxury of doing ;). So I'm learning that if I want to shower I need to do it the night before.
:: I feel much better in the morning if I've gone to bed before 11 the night before. If I don't get to bed until after midnight I just don't get enough sleep to be a half decent mom and wife.
:: Everyday I try to either do laundry or do the dishes. I've yet to find the time to do both in the same day.
:: I'm starting to understand why so many of my friends and family members who are mom's to lots of young babes can't survive without diet coke. I've been tempted, but I just can't bring myself to do it. But oh... I totally get it now ;).
:: That whole "put your air mask on first" thing applies to motherhood. I'm much happier if I take the time to take care of myself first. Such as make sure I eat breakfast (or any meal), get dressed, look presentable, get something done that I want to get done. Even if it means let the baby cry for a minute when I finish up what I'm doing.
:: We all feel better if we get out of the house at some point of the day. Being cooped up isn't good for any of us.
:: Most tasks only take a few minute. Such as folding a basket of laundry, vacuuming the floor, cleaning the toilet, etc. If I have a few minutes to do something productive I feel much better afterwards than if I just waste my time on my phone or something like that ;).
:: Cuddling my other two boys during the day make for more helpful boys.
:: When I get overly emotional and feel like I can't handle this, I feel a lot better if I just take a nap (thankfully my husband has been helpful with this).

Something fun that happened this week is I took Baby G in to the doc (that part wasn't fun...) and they weighed him as they tend to do. My boy has almost doubled his birth weight in the last 6 weeks!! He weighed in at 10 lbs 7 oz!!! That was a proud mom moment for me. All of this nursing around the clock and trying to fatten this little guy up is working!! It reminded me of when Blue was 10 lbs and I found the picture I took of him in his car seat with this silly "10 lbs club" badge that we had. So I tried to take a pic of Baby G in his car seat too to see how similar they look at the same weight...

They aren't in the exact same position, but it's fun to see how alike they are in their looks. They look different in a lot of ways, but those lips, and cheeks, and cute little noses... little clones of each other.

Baby G's birth story - Part 2

Read Part 1 here.

2:00 PM: After my doctor broke my water my wonderful doula showed up. I feel very blessed to have met Rachelle. We wanted to hire a doula when we decided to really go for this natural birth thing, but I didn't have a clue how to find a doula that I felt comfortable with being there when I gave birth. Rachelle moved into my ward several months ago and was just getting certified to be a doula. I'm so glad that she agreed to be there for my birth. We've become very dear friends in the last few months and I was so glad that she was there! Part of me wanted to have a doula that knew my story, who knew that the last time I had a baby he died... who knew that I was in remission for cancer and that we've waited a long time for this baby. I just wasn't sure how I would be emotionally at the birth and I wanted someone there (besides Trent) who knew what this meant for me.

When Rachelle showed up, Trent left to go find some food before the party began. That's when I lost it. I couldn't help the tears from flowing. I was so upset, frustrated, mad... There I was sitting on the bed, waiting the impending contractions to start, and Rachelle grabbed some nail polish out of my purse and some oils and gave me a great foot rub and painted my toenails. She made me talk it out. She made me talk about what it was that was bothering me so much. There were quite a few little things that were bothering me, but the big thing that I was so upset about was that I really wish that my body could do something "normal" for once. Not to always be having complications. I just wanted to have a normal, natural birth. There is just always something going on with me it seems... and I get tired of it. I really did not want to be induced, yet here we were having an induction. Rachelle reminded me that yes my body was having a hard time and there were complications, but that I was about to do something amazing! In spite of the complications I was going to get to let my body do what it was born to do... birth a baby. I was going to have my baby the way I wanted to, and I was going to rock it! That's exactly what I needed to hear... and with pretty red toenails and a new outlook on the events ahead of me, we started labor.

And I did indeed rock it (or at least that's what I'm telling myself)...

Contractions came on and off, but around 4:00 PM they started getting regular. We tried different positions to labor in but the one that was most comfortable with was sitting on the side of the bed. I wanted to keep my body upright so that I could have gravity do it's thing and hopefully not have too long of a labor. We turned the lights off, played some soft soothing music in the back ground, and my labor team (Trent and Rachelle) and I did the whole thing together.

 

Resting between contractions...

Here is basically how it went... Whenever I would have a contraction I would put my arms around Trent's neck (who was sitting on a stool in front of me) and I would just try to melt into him. I was feeling most of the pressure/pain of the contractions in my lower back and stomach, so Rachelle in her doula wisdom took a bed sheet and wrapped it around my stomach and tied a knot in the back. Then with every contraction she would use her body weight and pull on the sheet to give me counter pressure in the front and she would use her other hand and push on my lower back to give me counter pressure there as well. It was amazing! That was my epidural right there... and it worked surprisingly well. Rachelle would also touch my shoulders if she could tell they were tense and it would remind me to relax. She would talk to me, remind me of my "special place" that I would go to in my head like the hypnobabies would have me do. I don't know if it was just because I knew that an epidural wasn't an option, or if it was because I never really felt like I needed it... but it honestly never crossed my mind during labor to even want an epidural. Sure it was intense, and there was pain, and darn it I was not able to wrap my mind around how to put myself under hypnosis while I was having a contraction so I could have a pain free labor, but it was totally manageable. I never cried, or screamed, or felt like I was out of control. Was it the worst pain I've ever felt in my life (as most people tell you natural childbirth is)??? Not by a long shot! I've been in much worse pain before. The beauty of how childbirth is designed is that you get a break between contractions. Yes they were intense, but only for a short time and then I could take a break and talk, drink some water, suck on ice chips, gear up before the next one started.

Being that I was having a VBAC they wanted to be monitoring the baby's heart rate at all times. But since I was not laboring in bed in a good position for them to do this externally, they had to put an electrode monitor on his head. I also had an IV for penicillin since I was strep B positive. And the worst "hook up" that I had was the horrible magnesium sulfate. I've heard horror stories about this drug before... and they were all true! I guess people with HELLP syndrome can go into seizures they give all patients with HELLP magnesium sulfate to prevent that. This is also a drug that they use on women who are in preterm labor to stop their contractions. So what they did was wait to give me the mag sulfate until I was in active labor, in hopes that it would not cause my labor to slow down. So while I was in the thick of labor, having contractions every 2 minutes, they hooked me up to this awful drug. I didn't want it, but they basically told me that if I didn't take it I would be going against medical advice... which opens a whole new can of worms. So I consented, and they started this awful drug in my IV. It made me get super hot and have really blurry vision. So the rest of the time I was in labor I did so with my eyes closed, and Trent and Rachelle were great about putting wet washcloths on my forehead and neck to try and ease some of the discomfort. Thankfully it did not stop my labor.

I labored on the side of the bed for a long while and then Rachelle wanted me to change positions. I ended up still staying upright and laboring on a birthing ball by the side of the bed. I had no clue where I was at with my dilation and I didn't know how fast things were progressing, just that the contractions were getting really strong and closer together. After being there for a while my contractions changed and started feeling even more intense. This was where I felt like I couldn't do this forever... and my contractions started to change. I started to feel like I needed to push at the end of the contraction. So we called in the nurse to have her check me. She told me that I was dilated to an 8 and to call her back when that pushy feeling didn't go away between contractions. It was literally about 2 contractions later that the pushy feeling didn't go away.

7:10ish PM: Then all the excitement started to happen. My doctor came into the room and had me hop up on the bed (not sure how well I "hopped" but I got up there somehow) and she checked me. I was complete and ready to push. The room started filling with people, nurses, the team for the baby. My doctor started to say something about there being variables and I needed to get the baby out quick. I had no clue what variables meant, I guess the baby's heart rate was starting to drop during contractions. That could mean a lot of different things, like the cord is compressed as the baby goes into the birth canal... but it also can mean that there is a uterine rupture. So my doctor needed me to get him out as soon as I could. I tried pushing one time laying on the bed and it was the most uncomfortable way to push imaginable. So they took off the end of the bed and put a squat bar on there so that I could keep working with gravity and squat on the end of the bed during contractions and push.

Oh my... I did not like the pushing stage. I felt like I had no clue how to effectively push the baby out. Each push felt like I was getting nowhere and that the baby was not budging. Between each one my doctor would say, "Come on Meg, you have to get this baby out on the next push." So I would push my hardest... and nothing. This was the first time I really felt doubt that I could do this, "He's not coming out... I don't know how to push him out!" I said. Then all my cheerleaders would cheer me on and tell me how great I was doing and that he was almost out. It felt like forever, but I guess I was only pushing for 15-20 minutes. At 7:37 PM (just 3 1/2 hours after real labor started) with one final push as hard as I could muster.... I felt a pop and his head was out. I kept pushing between the contraction and his shoulders came out and out slid his little body. I laid back on the bed and they put him right on my chest for me to see.

My darling boy was here! I did it! I couldn't believe it! And my next thought was how on earth do people push out regular sized babies? I don't know if I could do that! I was really glad that he was so little ;).

Trent cut the cord and my doctor delivered the placenta. I wanted to see it so with my blurred vision I looked at it the best I could.

Even though he was born 4 weeks early he was perfectly fine! He never had any problems breathing or had to go to the NICU. He was 5 lbs 13 oz, so he's just a little guy. But he has done great!! Such a blessing!

I had a few superficial tears that my doctor stitched up. I laid there with my baby and waited for that amazing, euphoric feeling to sweep over me that you are supposed to experience with natural childbirth, but it didn't happen. Instead I looked at my doctor and said, "I don't feel very good right now."

I'm including this picture above not only so you can see the stats on my little guy, but so you can see pale, pale me in the background. I was losing blood very fast. After you have a baby your uterus is supposed to contract back down to a smaller size, but mine did not. Finally that dumb magnesium sulfate had taken it's toll, and my uterus quit working. It just stopped. Instead of contracting back down it just kept filling up with blood. And this was the most painful part of the whole delivery, having my doctor stick her whole arm up there and pull out massively large blood clots. Oh my, that hurt so bad! The first time I said "ouch" was now. I wasn't handling that very well. So my doctor looked at me and said, "Is it okay if we take you into the OR and put you under anesthesia so that I can do this?" YES!!! That was okay with me. I couldn't handle the pain of her working up there without any pain killers on board. So I passed my sweet boy over to his daddy, and they wheeled me off into the operating room.

I'm not totally sure what happened in the OR, but I know that they had to turn off the magnesium sulfate so that my uterus would start working again. I also know that I had lost so much blood that they had to transfuse two full units of blood into my body. I've never had a transfusion before, but I'm so grateful that people donate blood. It was a scary ending to an amazing birth experience, but I'm so glad that I was with my doctor, in the hospital, to birth this baby.

And this is when they officially told me that I had HELLP syndrome, and I had no clue what that meant! Not sure why they didn't tell me before that point, but I'm just grateful that they did what needed to be done to help me and my little guy. It wasn't until I googled it on my phone the next day that I realized how scary and serious that was.

I realize that this is the worst picture probably ever of me. I was so puffy and swollen, I'm assuming from the mag sulfate... but it's an important one so I'm sharing it anyway. Here is my amazing birthing team, just after I was brought into recovery from the OR. Rachelle and Trent, I could not have done it without them!

 

We stayed in the hospital for two days. I had to stay on the magnesium sulfate for 24 hours after they re-started it. That was pretty awful. I couldn't get up to walk to the restroom by myself. I couldn't even lift my legs to get out of bed. I could barely stay conscious when visitors came by and everything was blurry anyway. I was really glad when they were able to take me off that drug.

 

 I left the hospital very anemic. Normal hemoglobin (red blood cell) levels for women should be above 13.5. I left the hospital with mine at 7.5... so extremely low. I should have probably gotten another blood transfusion but I declined it, mostly because I didn't want to be in the hospital for another day. So recovery from this has been a lot harder than I was expecting. I'm taking iron and eating all the red meat and spinach shakes I can handle, but I haven't felt well since I had the baby. I feel like I'm just now starting to feel a little more "normal" as far as energy levels go.

 

So there it is, Baby G's birth story in a nutshell. We are so glad that he is here and that even though there were complications that we are both okay. I wish that it wasn't so hard for me to have babies... but I now have these beautiful boys that I love so much and am so happy I get to be their mom!

Baby G's birth story - Part 1

So much of what happened with Baby G's birth happened before the actual labor started, so I'm going to do Part 1 which is what happened before he was born, and Part 2 the actual birth. And turns out it's pretty lengthy... sorry about that! I've made the major points large if you want to just skim through... this is mostly for my own record.

I've already written about a lot of what happened in the few weeks before he was born. I wrote here about how at 33 weeks I woke up two nights in a row with contractions. The second night they were every 3 minutes and it really scared me, enough to get me down to the hospital and to have the betamethasone shots that mature the baby's lungs. I had my husband give me a priesthood blessing when we got home and he said some very comforting things in that blessing. Afterwards he said that he didn't say this in the blessing because he wasn't sure if it was just what he was thinking in his head or if he was prompted to say it, but that he really thought that the baby would be coming early. What was strange was after that incident, I didn't have any other problems with contractions. I was taking it easy, but I felt silly because the problem seemed to disappear. I was sure that it was just a fluke and that the baby would probably be overdue after all those dramatics.

But I couldn't put the nagging feeling aside that even though I felt fine now, that the baby would be coming early. I even started having some strange experiences where I felt like there was a presence around me all the time, just standing behind my left shoulder. I tried to explain this to my friends at playgroup but I'm sure I just sounded like I had lost my mind and I was a crazy person. I told them that I felt like something was going to happen because I could feel people hanging around me. Yes, I realize that sounds nutty. It was almost like they were helping me get ready, reminding me of things I needed to get done. Nagging me so to speak. I told Trent one night that I thought that maybe I was going to die, and these people were here because they were going to take me to the other side. I've never had an experience like that where it lasted so long and I could feel a presence around me so strong. So I started getting things together around my house. I got out all the baby clothes and put them away. I charged my camera battery and cleared a bunch of pictures off my camera. I took the picture in front of the shed that I'd been wanting to take for months. I got things in order.

Then there was the drama of my doctor feeling like I would not have a fair trial of labor at the hospital that she worked at and wanted me to switch hospitals and doctors at the last minute. Talk about stress. She and I were both trying to find a doctor that would take me on at that point. The only place I was able to find that would even give me an appointment was a group of midwives that delivered at the other hospital. So I made an appointment with them for Wednesday, July 31st. I was really sad about this, I really love my doctor and I trusted her. But if she felt this was best, I was going to do it. It also really affirmed to me that I was 100% wanting to have a natural VBAC, I was no longer on the fence about this. And I wanted that more than to stick with my doctor and chance delivering at her hospital.

Then Wednesday, July 31st when I was 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant... I woke up and had been bleeding a lot. Crap. What is going on now? (That morning I really felt like I needed to get up and get my hospital bag packed, but I didn't listen. I really wish I would have!) I've bled on and off for this whole pregnancy but nothing since about 22 weeks pregnant. And nothing like what I woke up to that morning. I debated on what I should do... I had an appointment that afternoon with the midwife group, but I felt funny about going to that and saying, by the way I'm bleeding a lot. So I called my doctor on her cell phone and said, "Look, I know that you want me to switch hospitals, but I'm having this problem and I really feel like I should get checked out." She agreed and had me come right up to her office. She examined me and didn't feel good about the amount I was bleeding. She wanted me to have an ultrasound done by the perinatologist to see if they could find a source of the bleeding. So she sent me over to labor and delivery to be monitored and have some labs drawn until they could get me in for an ultrasound. Also, when I came in for the appointment my blood pressure was high. It had not been high for my whole pregnancy, so that was a little concerning as well.

Turns out they were too busy, and they couldn't see me that day. But they wouldn't let me go home and come back the next day for the appointment, they wanted me to stay over night so I could be monitored and then go to the appointment the next day. I was pretty frustrated at this. I did not want to pay a hospital bill for an overnight stay when I wasn't even having the baby! But I stayed, and had the most uncomfortable night ever sleeping in one of the labor and delivery beds. Oh it was horrible. At some point during the night they told me that my labs had come back abnormal. My platelet count was really low. The normal low range was 150 and mine was 86. So for some reason my blood wasn't doing so great.

The next morning we had my ultrasound appointment and they couldn't find a source for the bleeding. They just had to assume it was because I had a placental abruption somewhere. But with my high blood pressure, and low platelet count they felt like it would probably be best for me to have the baby soon. He also gave me clearance to have a VBAC, which was really important because now I was at the hospital that was implementing these crazy rules for VBAC's and probably wouldn't give me a fair trial at labor. But having clearance from him gave me a foot in the door to be able to do it. I think at this point they suspected that I had HELLP syndrome, but they didn't tell me that at all.

After my doctor talked to the perinatologist about what he thought she came into my room and we talked about inducing my labor that day. I was really nervous about being induced... we've all heard that having Pitocin to induce when you are going natural is an awful thing, so I was worried about that. They also don't like to give Pitocin when you've had a prior C-section because it can increase your risk of a uterine rupture. So we decided the best option was to have her break my water. One thing that made this a great choice was that my body was already progressing. She checked me and I was now dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced, so we weren't starting from square one.

There was one little catch here that came up when we were talking about induction. That was that since my platelet count was so low (it had dropped to 70 at this point) they would not allow me to have a C-section due to too much blood loss. Not only that, they would not let me have an epidural due to the possibility of bleeding into my spine. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I say that because I was shocked that the tables had turned to being completely what I wanted! My doctor wanted me to have an epidural placed in case I couldn't handle the natural labor, just as an option. So she had the anesthesiologist come into the room and they discussed in front of me this dilemma that was at hand. He said absolutely no way would he place an epidural. The risk was too great. She wanted to see if they could give me a platelet transfusion so that I could have the option, which is something they had never done before... the answer was no.

I laid on the bed watching the two of them go back and forth, trying to figure out a way that I could get an epidural, and I felt the most comforting calm come over me. I had been prepared for this. For years I have felt like I needed to prepare for a natural delivery. I always thought it was so I could have a successful VBAC... but really I felt so strongly at that moment that Heavenly Father knew all along that I would face this one day, and I needed to be prepared. I can't even imagine being told that I had no other option than a natural delivery if I had been planning on an epidural or a repeat C-section. Seriously... I would have freaked out! But instead I felt totally calm, I knew that I could do this. I had been preparing for months and months for a natural delivery and now was the time. I was going to do it!

As fate would have it, my in laws were on their way up to Bear Lake for our family reunion and stopped by the hospital so that my husband and father in law could give me a priesthood blessing before labor started. It was a beautiful blessing, and as soon as it was over my doctor came in to break my water. It was go time.

Coming soon in Part 2 - Labor and what happened afterwards...

My own bouquet...

I've been overwhelmed at how truly amazing people have been since we had our baby. We have been poured upon with presents, dinners, service... it has been a beautiful thing to feel so loved by so many people around us. I've just been amazed as to how giving and loving people are. We've been really blessed, and it has been so nice to be able to sit back and take care of my baby while other people have helped take care of us.

I wanted to share this sweet card that I got from my cousin after we had the baby. Sometimes the gifts that touch our hearts the most are the ones that are so simple, yet hold so much meaning. She gave me this little tiny picture...

Once upon a time I poured my heart into this post about white daisies and the meaning that they have to me. She said that she thought about getting me a bouquet of daisies but she wanted to give me one that would last. I cherish this little card of white daisies. The thing I have longed for the most for so many years is finally in my arms.

I've been on a super emotional roller coaster ride this last month. The lack of sleep, the not feeling well, recovering from the birth, and then the realization that I really do have a baby. It's been hard, but it's been so worth it. We are so grateful to have this little boy here. Sometimes I want to pinch myself, because I can't believe that it really worked out, that we really have a baby. It's been surreal.

The coop and the ladies...

 We have the coolest old root cellar in the back yard that is original with the house. But up until this point it has just been cool to look at, not a usable space for us. I was always afraid to go in there because I was sure it was full of black widows or something.

Husband got the idea that it would be cool to turn it into a chicken coop. So he asked our awesome landlord if we could do it... and she said sure! I was thinking that he would wait until springtime when the new baby chicks come out. Nope. He got right to work cleaning out the root cellar. It took a few days, he said there was a squirrel nest in there with a dead squirrel in it (RIP little squirrel) and it was FULL of walnuts. Anywhere a squirrel could have possible stuck a nut there was a nut there. So he cleaned out all the old nuts and stuff that had been stored in there for 50+ years and built a roosting shelf for some chickens.

Then he looked on KSL to see if there was anyone who was trying to get rid of some hens. Sure enough, there was a lady who had five hens that were a year old that they were done taking care of. So he went and picked up the hens for super cheap and we now have five ladies residing in the root cellar...

 They are super tame and pretty birds. They are really great with Blue which is wonderful since he likes to pick them up and carry them around. Now that we've settled on some names for them, here are the ladies.

And for the inside of the coop. I think it's the coolest chicken coop ever! I love that we can use this space for something now. Trent has built a big feeder and turned our old cooler into a watering station so we could leave for a while and they would still be fed just fine.

We've put hay down on the shelves and wood chips on the ground so that when it comes time to clean the coop we can sweep everything up and replace it with new stuff... hopefully it stays less stinky that way. I think that it's pretty awesome!

First morning after we picked up the ladies the boys went out to check for eggs... none yet!

But we've since been getting 3-5 eggs every day and they are beautiful! And yummy! I'm glad my husband was willing to do all the work since I've decided my only job in life right now is to nurse a baby.

Introducing...

Baby G

born August 1st at 7:37 PM

Weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz and 18 1/2 inches long

 

He was born 4 weeks early due to some complications that I was having.

But he is doing great! Never had to spend any time in the NICU. He is the sweetest little guy.

We are all so smitten around here by him, and we are glad he is here safe and sound.

 

I found out last Thursday that I had HELLP syndrome and we needed to have him born that day. So the super short version of the story is that I was induced by having my water broken, started labor 2 hours later, and 3 1/2 hours after that we had our little boy. I was able to have a VBAC and have him without an epidural. Maybe I'll share the long version of the story sometime... still not sure about that! It turned out to be one of the best, most rewarding, yet hardest and scariest experiences of my life. 

 

 

The best part of the story is that I was able to bring my little baby home with me. Something I have longed for and looked forward to for the past four years. It was as wonderful as I hoped it would be.

 

Things might be quiet around here for the next little while as we adjust to this new little guy.

 



35 weeks and an old shed...

My neighbor has the coolest old shed. I love looking at it when I'm out in my yard. It's the perfect shade of green and so worn and old. I love the old windows... I've been wanting to get a family belly shot in front of this shed and was starting to worry that I would have this baby before I got around to it! So on the 24th we had our friends Paul and Michelle up for dinner and we snapped  a few quick pictures in front of the shed. We might have to go back there once the baby is born and take some family pictures in front of it too... I love it that much!

 

This is the shot that I really wanted. Dad, mom with a big belly, and our cute little boy. He was a pretty good sport, but he really doesn't like posing for pictures right now.

He was supposed to be smiling in this one, but he was grossed out by the kissing or something...

Here we are... the boys look great! I look hot, huge, and miserable... but I sort of am. I have forgotten how hard the last few weeks of pregnancy are.

I'm now 35 weeks pregnant. I'm so happy to have made it this far! This pregnancy has been so interesting, there has been so much that has happened that I never expected. There seems to be a bit of drama each week that I just lay in bed at night and think, "did that really happen today?"

After that bout of "preterm who knows what" I'm feeling fine now. I'm still taking it pretty easy, but after next weekend I am planning on walking everyday, taking my raspberry leaf tea, you know... what women who are sick of being pregnant do to try and get the baby out! I know that he will be born when it's best for him and I am totally fine to have him be overdue. I'm sure that after all these shenanigans he probably will be overdue... cause that's just how things usually work out!

We had a crazy week this week... something that I totally wasn't expecting. I went in to see my doctor for my 35 week appointment and she told me that she doesn't think it's a good idea for me to deliver at the hospital I've been planning on delivering at and that she has privileges to. In the past couple of weeks they have put in place certain hospital policies that are going to make it really hard for women like me who want to have a VBAC be able to do that. Basically, unless I have a completely picture perfect labor and delivery, they will most likely make me have another C-section. So this means that at 35-36 weeks pregnant I need to find a doctor who will deliver me at a different hospital about 40 minutes away from where I live so that I can have a fair chance at having a VBAC. Seriously? I've been really upset about this. I love my doctor, I switched to her because she is the VBAC queen and I totally trust her and her techniques to help girls have good, successful vaginal births! But her hands are tied and she is in a really tough position now too. So we have a lot of work to do this next week, finding another great doctor who will take me on this late in my pregnancy so that I can try to have the type of birth that I would like to have. I'm grateful that my doctor has told me this and is helping me out with this... but it really stinks.

I'm just trying to stay calm and remind myself that in a few short weeks, we are going to have a little baby! One way or the other we are going to have a sweet little boy to bring home. We will be thrust into diapers, and nursing, and crazy sleep schedules... and all of this drama will be in the past. I've been trying to prepare myself and make everything happen just so, but I have to remember that I am not in complete control. I can do my best to be prepared, but I have to go with the flow and see how it all works out. The scripture, "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear" keeps running through my head. I have prepared myself as much as I possibly can... I need to relax and let things happen. So now I'm hoping that we are able to get everything arranged and set up with a new doctor before this baby comes! So no baby in the next week, or I might be delivering in a parking lot ;). (I really wouldn't do that... but I don't want to walk into a hospital hoping to have a VBAC and being forced to have a C-section).

The Gift of Giving Life...

I don't normally do book reviews on here, but I couldn't not do a review on this book! I haven't wanted to read a ton of books about pregnancy and childbirth right now, mainly because there is so much information and opinions out there... it can be a bit overwhelming. Everyone has an idea as to how things should be done, all the different methods, and it can get confusing.

But this book has been such a blessing in my life and is probably the best book I have ever read, honestly.

My friend Rachelle recommended The Gift of Giving Life to me a little while ago. I'm not much of a book buyer, I would rather just check something out from the library. But after reading the blog for a few days I knew that I had to go find this book. It took three stores but I finally got a hold of a copy. It was really hard to put down and I finished it in a week (not bad for over 500 pages).

Basically, it's a book about the spirituality of childbirth, motherhood, womanhood told from an LDS perspective. It is complied by five LDS women, all with different strengths and insights that they brought into this book. It talks about just about everything under the sun in relation to womanhood such as all different types of birth stories, abortion, adoption, infertility, post partum depression, dreams of children before they are born... the list goes on and on. They talk a lot about the different women in the scriptures and their births or struggles with fertility, how the atonement is so parallel to birth. They even talk about a lot of things that you wouldn't normally hear about, such as thoughts on Heavenly Mother and meditation.

What I love the most about this book is that I felt so connected to my fellow LDS sisters. In the last few years I've felt like the minority among my good friends and family members who were raised in the church like I was but are no longer are part of the church or have it in their lives. I completely respect their decisions and opinions. But at the same time I have never felt that way. I love being a woman in the LDS church. I feel honored, and loved in my religion. I've often wondered if I'm totally missing something... if I'm supposed to feel belittled or less than a man because I can't hold the priesthood or be a bishop? Am I supposed to feel bad because women don't wear pants to church? Because I never have... it just doesn't make sense to me. All of these topics that have been coming up, that women in the LDS faith are having the wool pulled over our eyes I've never agreed with. I don't feel that way. I've never felt more loved and respected as a woman anywhere in the world as I have within my religion. Reading this book it was so refreshing to me that there are other LDS women out there that feel the same way that I do about our religion, about womanhood, and the divine role of motherhood, and about being a woman in the LDS faith.

I would recommend this book to anyone, but I HIGHLY recommend this book to all women in the LDS faith. It was so uplifting to read. I feel like a lot of my fears in this pregnancy because of my past have been settled and comforted due to this book. It has been amazing to read and to learn from all the different experiences in there.

So my friend Rachelle who recommended this book to me failed to tell me that it was her sister who co-authored this book! I figured it out when I read about her in there and read the birth story of her son as it was told by her husband in the book. Last night there was a book party where two of the authors would be meeting and anyone who wanted to come and talk about the book could. So we headed down for a fun and fulfilling night to talk about womanhood, motherhood, and God. It was so nice to be in such a good, positive environment like that!

I tried to just soak in the good vibes that were all around. With everything that has happened this past week and with what has happened in my last birthing experience I was ready to just sit back, remember that God is in charge and that he loves and takes care of his daughters. It was nice to be surrounded by women who feel like birth is a spiritual event, not just a "medical event" that happens.  It's bringing a spirit son or daughter into the world.

 Rachelle, Me, Robyn Allgood and Lani Axman (both co-authors).

I felt kind of silly asking them to sign my book, but why the heck not! Once again, I can't recommend this book enough. I think it's time I start reading it again for round #2...

Operation "keep the baby cooking" has begun...

Oy... this last week was an interesting one...

Chillin' in labor and delivery... enjoying my Betos salad...

Last week I had two nights where I woke up in the middle of the night having contractions. I've been having Braxton Hicks for a long time, really since about 17 weeks of pregnancy. But they have been getting worse lately. I haven't thought much of it, they are normal right? But it's become every time that I stand up, or am walking around, or bend over to pick something up. So Thursday at about 2 AM I woke up having a contraction. I got up, went to use the loo, and had another contraction on my way to bed. I tried going back to sleep but within a few minutes had another contraction. What in the world is going on? I downloaded a contraction timer to my phone to see if I could see if they were as consistent as I thought they were. They started dying out and went away within an hour and I was able to go back to sleep.

The next night I noticed that I was having pretty consistent contractions at 3 AM. I started timing them, and they were about 3 1/2 minutes apart. Hello! Are you kidding me! I thought about waking Trent up and going into labor and delivery but they weren't painful, and I would have 3 close together and then about a 10 minute break before another one. So they weren't completely consistent. But this lasted the whole night. Finally at around 7:30 AM they started fading away and I was able to get some sleep. But it really scared me.

I called my doctors office when I woke up and they told me to come in and get checked out. So we headed down there. I told my doctor what was up and she pretty much said as long as they go away then they are just practice contractions/Braxton Hicks and not something to get worried about. Then she wanted to do an exam... and changed her tune a little bit.

You were right to trust your intuition and get checked out.

Apparently my cervix is no longer holding up to the weight of the baby. So right now I am 33 weeks and almost completely effaced, and dilated to a 2.

We spent the next few hours having an ultrasound done to make sure that the baby is head down (which he is!) and getting steroid shots to mature the baby's lungs so that if he is born in the next two weeks or so his lungs should be okay. They then had me go get monitored in L & D to make sure that they baby's heart rate was okay and that I wasn't still having regular contractions. Everything was fine, but I am now really, really taking it easy so that we can try to keep this little guy cooking for a bit longer.

This is something that I've been worried about for the whole pregnancy to be honest. Mostly because my doctor in Las Vegas told me that because I have had a few uterine surgeries (D&C's) where my cervix was opened prematurely as well as a preterm baby where my cervix was opened prematurely, that there is a greater chance of my cervix opening up prematurely during pregnancy. I've been  having my doctors check the length of my cervix through this whole pregnancy (via ultrasound) and it has always looked great! I even had my doctor check it two weeks ago because I had been having lots of contractions during the day, and it was totally fine and not effacing yet.

So I don't really know what has suddenly caused my body to start contracting in the middle of the night, but that's just how it's going right now. I have medication that I can take if I start contracting that is supposed to make them stop, but so far I haven't had to take them yet. The goal is to try and keep this baby in until 36 weeks and then if he's born it should be okay.

So strange... I was totally planning on having 7 more weeks to prepare for this baby, and now I feel like it could be any time! I'm not done learning my hypnobabies stuff yet, so I'm nervous that I wont be ready to do that if I have this baby in the next two weeks. There is also lots to be done that I haven't even started thinking about because we've been busy being busy, having a fun summer, and spending this time playing instead of getting ready... because we had so much time!

And I'm worried about him being born too soon. I know that 33 weeks is okay. That there is so much that can be done for preemies and that they do so well now. But it does make me nervous.

Life... is so interesting sometimes isn't it? So now I'm trying to get my house ready and clean, get the baby stuff all ready to go, pack my hospital bag, all while laying on the couch. It's not that easy to do! I'm so grateful for good friends who have stepped up in the last few days and come to my rescue. I have a hard time asking for helping and accepting help, but it seems to be a common theme in my life so I'm just embracing it and grateful for the good people around me.

Pieces...

My friend Michelle's little ladies...

Something interesting that has happened to me in the last few weeks is that I've found myself several times sitting at someones kitchen table. Observing their life while they make dinner, or we just talk. It's so interesting to me to peek into someones life for an afternoon. I've noticed that these short small moments have left an impression on me. Seeing how other's live their lives, care for their children, or cook their dinner. I've been picking up a few pieces from others and trying to follow suit. Such as...

:: A dear old friend that I hadn't seen in a while had me stay for dinner after she let me sort through all her baby clothes that she no longer needed. She then fed me the most amazing dinner. It was mango, black bean, and a red pepper salad on romaine lettuce boats. So simple, so healthy, and amazing. I then watched her four little boys eat the same thing. Stuffing their faces with cherry tomatoes and black beans. I must be missing something here. Not a pack of mac n' cheese in sight. I left feeling refreshed and wanting to do a lot better for my family.

:: Another friend cooked away in her bright orange and blue kitchen. I love how she pulled glass bottles of water out of her fridge, that I know she filled up in the natural spring nearby. It sounds simple, but it doesn't get more refreshing than ice cold spring water in a glass bottle. I think it's been far to long since I made a visit to that spring.

:: Another friend made homemade alfredo and grated her own parmesan cheese. I don't know that I have ever bought actual parmesan cheese that didn't come in a plastic bottle with a green lid. Her children ran around in their unders/diaper happily while mom cooked dinner.

:: Maybe one of my favorites is visiting my friend Michelle and watching our kids chase chickens out in the yard while we make dinner. Every once in a while the kids will come inside with an egg in each hand that they found in the coop to add to the pile in the fridge. She grows a big garden and is a pro at grilling zucchini for dinner that tastes divine.

I love eating with friends... it's the good company, the conversation, and peeking into their life in an intimate way. Seeing how they cook, how they multitask, how they take care of their kids and be mom for a few hours.

 I also love taking pieces of that home with me, to my house. To my family. To make our lives a little more healthy, simple, and enjoyable. It makes me wonder though what someone might take home after sitting at my table for an afternoon. What could I offer my friends without even knowing it? Maybe it's time I followed suit and invited someone to sit at my table for an afternoon...

June...

June was a whirlwind... there was so much going on, I can't believe it's already over.

... First off, we went on a little trip to see my brother Nate and his wife Nicole up in Idaho. I feel bad that they have lived there for two years and this is the first time that we have made it up to see them. It was fun to see where they live and what their lives are like up there.

Little Blue was completely glued to Nicole's hip. He calls her Princess Nicole ;). I told her to just enjoy it while it lasts. They took us to a little amusement park there and the only one he wanted to ride the rides with was her. She was a super good sport!

We went on a gorgeous drive to Driggs and saw the west side of the Tetons. So beautiful up there! I wish we could have stayed longer and spent more time up there.

We even went on a little hike to find this waterfall. It about did me in... but oh well! It was worth it!

... Our trip ended early so we could make it back to celebrate and honor Trent's grandpa who passed away on June 10th. Trent has always been very close to his grandparents. Part of the reason why we felt very strongly to move back to Utah a year and a half ago was so that we could spend some more time with his grandparents before they passed on. I'm so glad we've had this time with his grandpa and I feel good about the things we've tried to help them with in the last while. It has been sweet to see the little relationship that Blue had developed with his great-grandpa.

Both my boys get their big blue eyes from this man. He will be very missed but we are glad he has moved on and is no longer suffering in his earthly body.

 ... We went to the small town Peoa Stampede this month and Blue got to participate in the children's rodeo. It was so much fun, we'll have to do it again next year. They were giving away chickens, bunnies, kitties to whoever could run up to them/catch them first (thankfully he did not win any of those). He also caught fish in the big fish pond with his bare hands, and mutton busted! We really wanted him to try that but he was super hesitant. He ended up doing it, but was on for such a short time I could get a picture of him on the sheep. Here he is just after in the middle with his metal that he's so proud of.

... We've been watching our garden grow and trying to stay on top of the weeds. I love that things grow so well here. It's pretty amazing to plant such tiny seeds and watch the plants grow so big! I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed with everything that we've planted, and haven't been the best gardener, but hopefully come fall when it's time to pick I will be able to enjoy the time out in the garden with our new baby by my side. I guess we will see how it all works out then.

 

 

... My sister Carly left last week on an LDS mission to Minnesota! She is the first of us four girls in our family to go on a mission. I'm sure it will be a huge change and a lot of hard work, but I'm excited to see how she grows through this experience.

 



... Last weekend we went up to Strawberry Reservoir and camped overnight and caught crawdad's and had our annual crawdad boil with Trent's extended family. I only took one picture of the whole trip and it was of this beautiful meadow that we drove by searching for firewood.

After one night of camping and spending the whole day out in the sun by the lake I think I'm ready to just sit inside and soak up the AC for the next two months till this baby is born! A mixture of heat and eating junk food (meaning pop... so bad for you) I swelled up like a balloon. Not fun! Thankfully two days of junk detox and lots of water I'm feeling much better and the swelling has gone away.

I know that the summer is still young, and I don't want to be a poor sport, but after such a full and busy June I'm ready to lay low... take it easy and just simplify a little until the baby is born. I'm not loving feeling so worn out all the time. So I think I will just pull up my chair by this meadow (metaphorically at least) and take it a little easier for the time being.

Pallet flag...

I've been itching to work on another pallet wood project lately. I just love taking a pile of old wood like this...

And turning it into something pretty like this...

Here is my new July decoration! I've decided to make at least one new decoration for each holiday a year. That way it's not over kill but I can build up my holiday décor slowly but surely. It was pretty simple, paint the boards, nail them to a frame,  put some stars on, simple right?

Sheesh... those stars were nearly the end of this project. Lets just take a moment and look at these perfectly circular and evenly spaced stars shall we?

I had the hardest time figuring out how to do the stars like this. That Betsy Ross... she's my new hero for sewing those 13 stars on the first flag. I wanted to do it like the first original flag but almost gave up.

After thinking about it for a few weeks I decided that I really needed to find a projector so that I could just project the image and trace it on. As fate would have it, one Sunday afternoon we were taking a walk and our neighbor up the street had an old projector out on the curb. So I knocked on her door and asked about the projector. She said that they had never been able to get it to work and I was welcome to have it to see if we had better luck. So we took it home and Trent changed all the connections in it, and we ordered a new light bulb. We got it to turn on but it wouldn't focus on anything at all... so I was stumped.

Then one day I came home and found this lovely box sitting on my front steps.

Turns out this same neighbor had a son who had a projector that he was going to take to the DI and they brought it down to me. They said that it worked just fine but there was a mirror inside that had fallen off and needed to be put back in place. We put the mirror back where it belonged and now I have a beautiful, functional projector!!!

Look at this beautiful thing! I love this projector... oh the projects I could do with this thing. I love that it folds up nice and small to be put away, and that it's not too heavy to move around.

This projector was the answer to my Betsy Ross wanna be star problem. I just printed off the star template onto a transparency and projected it onto the flag and traced the stars with a paint pen. Then I hand painted in all the stars. I'm super happy with how it turned out! If anyone wants to make some pallet art (or a Betsy Ross flag...) let me know! Cause I have a projector!!

So here is a bit of a sad crafting story. My whole idea about making one new craft for each holiday a year went bad in a bad way.

Remember this wreath I made last year? Well, here is a picture of it last year...

And here it is this year...

I'm calling this one a Pinterest fail. I had read somewhere (on Pinterest of course) that you could take a pool noodle and duct tape it in a circle and use it for a wreath form. So that's what I did for the wreath, and as you can see it now looks like a saggy old bag. It's awful. I still totally hung it up on my door... because this was my July craft for last year dangit! But I need to fix it... it's bad. I just don't know if I really want to spend the time again.

So just a word of warning... plastic pool noodles sag and do not make good wreath forms! Just buy a real wreath okay!