The coop and the ladies...

 We have the coolest old root cellar in the back yard that is original with the house. But up until this point it has just been cool to look at, not a usable space for us. I was always afraid to go in there because I was sure it was full of black widows or something.

Husband got the idea that it would be cool to turn it into a chicken coop. So he asked our awesome landlord if we could do it... and she said sure! I was thinking that he would wait until springtime when the new baby chicks come out. Nope. He got right to work cleaning out the root cellar. It took a few days, he said there was a squirrel nest in there with a dead squirrel in it (RIP little squirrel) and it was FULL of walnuts. Anywhere a squirrel could have possible stuck a nut there was a nut there. So he cleaned out all the old nuts and stuff that had been stored in there for 50+ years and built a roosting shelf for some chickens.

Then he looked on KSL to see if there was anyone who was trying to get rid of some hens. Sure enough, there was a lady who had five hens that were a year old that they were done taking care of. So he went and picked up the hens for super cheap and we now have five ladies residing in the root cellar...

 They are super tame and pretty birds. They are really great with Blue which is wonderful since he likes to pick them up and carry them around. Now that we've settled on some names for them, here are the ladies.

And for the inside of the coop. I think it's the coolest chicken coop ever! I love that we can use this space for something now. Trent has built a big feeder and turned our old cooler into a watering station so we could leave for a while and they would still be fed just fine.

We've put hay down on the shelves and wood chips on the ground so that when it comes time to clean the coop we can sweep everything up and replace it with new stuff... hopefully it stays less stinky that way. I think that it's pretty awesome!

First morning after we picked up the ladies the boys went out to check for eggs... none yet!

But we've since been getting 3-5 eggs every day and they are beautiful! And yummy! I'm glad my husband was willing to do all the work since I've decided my only job in life right now is to nurse a baby.

Introducing...

Baby G

born August 1st at 7:37 PM

Weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz and 18 1/2 inches long

 

He was born 4 weeks early due to some complications that I was having.

But he is doing great! Never had to spend any time in the NICU. He is the sweetest little guy.

We are all so smitten around here by him, and we are glad he is here safe and sound.

 

I found out last Thursday that I had HELLP syndrome and we needed to have him born that day. So the super short version of the story is that I was induced by having my water broken, started labor 2 hours later, and 3 1/2 hours after that we had our little boy. I was able to have a VBAC and have him without an epidural. Maybe I'll share the long version of the story sometime... still not sure about that! It turned out to be one of the best, most rewarding, yet hardest and scariest experiences of my life. 

 

 

The best part of the story is that I was able to bring my little baby home with me. Something I have longed for and looked forward to for the past four years. It was as wonderful as I hoped it would be.

 

Things might be quiet around here for the next little while as we adjust to this new little guy.

 



35 weeks and an old shed...

My neighbor has the coolest old shed. I love looking at it when I'm out in my yard. It's the perfect shade of green and so worn and old. I love the old windows... I've been wanting to get a family belly shot in front of this shed and was starting to worry that I would have this baby before I got around to it! So on the 24th we had our friends Paul and Michelle up for dinner and we snapped  a few quick pictures in front of the shed. We might have to go back there once the baby is born and take some family pictures in front of it too... I love it that much!

 

This is the shot that I really wanted. Dad, mom with a big belly, and our cute little boy. He was a pretty good sport, but he really doesn't like posing for pictures right now.

He was supposed to be smiling in this one, but he was grossed out by the kissing or something...

Here we are... the boys look great! I look hot, huge, and miserable... but I sort of am. I have forgotten how hard the last few weeks of pregnancy are.

I'm now 35 weeks pregnant. I'm so happy to have made it this far! This pregnancy has been so interesting, there has been so much that has happened that I never expected. There seems to be a bit of drama each week that I just lay in bed at night and think, "did that really happen today?"

After that bout of "preterm who knows what" I'm feeling fine now. I'm still taking it pretty easy, but after next weekend I am planning on walking everyday, taking my raspberry leaf tea, you know... what women who are sick of being pregnant do to try and get the baby out! I know that he will be born when it's best for him and I am totally fine to have him be overdue. I'm sure that after all these shenanigans he probably will be overdue... cause that's just how things usually work out!

We had a crazy week this week... something that I totally wasn't expecting. I went in to see my doctor for my 35 week appointment and she told me that she doesn't think it's a good idea for me to deliver at the hospital I've been planning on delivering at and that she has privileges to. In the past couple of weeks they have put in place certain hospital policies that are going to make it really hard for women like me who want to have a VBAC be able to do that. Basically, unless I have a completely picture perfect labor and delivery, they will most likely make me have another C-section. So this means that at 35-36 weeks pregnant I need to find a doctor who will deliver me at a different hospital about 40 minutes away from where I live so that I can have a fair chance at having a VBAC. Seriously? I've been really upset about this. I love my doctor, I switched to her because she is the VBAC queen and I totally trust her and her techniques to help girls have good, successful vaginal births! But her hands are tied and she is in a really tough position now too. So we have a lot of work to do this next week, finding another great doctor who will take me on this late in my pregnancy so that I can try to have the type of birth that I would like to have. I'm grateful that my doctor has told me this and is helping me out with this... but it really stinks.

I'm just trying to stay calm and remind myself that in a few short weeks, we are going to have a little baby! One way or the other we are going to have a sweet little boy to bring home. We will be thrust into diapers, and nursing, and crazy sleep schedules... and all of this drama will be in the past. I've been trying to prepare myself and make everything happen just so, but I have to remember that I am not in complete control. I can do my best to be prepared, but I have to go with the flow and see how it all works out. The scripture, "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear" keeps running through my head. I have prepared myself as much as I possibly can... I need to relax and let things happen. So now I'm hoping that we are able to get everything arranged and set up with a new doctor before this baby comes! So no baby in the next week, or I might be delivering in a parking lot ;). (I really wouldn't do that... but I don't want to walk into a hospital hoping to have a VBAC and being forced to have a C-section).

The Gift of Giving Life...

I don't normally do book reviews on here, but I couldn't not do a review on this book! I haven't wanted to read a ton of books about pregnancy and childbirth right now, mainly because there is so much information and opinions out there... it can be a bit overwhelming. Everyone has an idea as to how things should be done, all the different methods, and it can get confusing.

But this book has been such a blessing in my life and is probably the best book I have ever read, honestly.

My friend Rachelle recommended The Gift of Giving Life to me a little while ago. I'm not much of a book buyer, I would rather just check something out from the library. But after reading the blog for a few days I knew that I had to go find this book. It took three stores but I finally got a hold of a copy. It was really hard to put down and I finished it in a week (not bad for over 500 pages).

Basically, it's a book about the spirituality of childbirth, motherhood, womanhood told from an LDS perspective. It is complied by five LDS women, all with different strengths and insights that they brought into this book. It talks about just about everything under the sun in relation to womanhood such as all different types of birth stories, abortion, adoption, infertility, post partum depression, dreams of children before they are born... the list goes on and on. They talk a lot about the different women in the scriptures and their births or struggles with fertility, how the atonement is so parallel to birth. They even talk about a lot of things that you wouldn't normally hear about, such as thoughts on Heavenly Mother and meditation.

What I love the most about this book is that I felt so connected to my fellow LDS sisters. In the last few years I've felt like the minority among my good friends and family members who were raised in the church like I was but are no longer are part of the church or have it in their lives. I completely respect their decisions and opinions. But at the same time I have never felt that way. I love being a woman in the LDS church. I feel honored, and loved in my religion. I've often wondered if I'm totally missing something... if I'm supposed to feel belittled or less than a man because I can't hold the priesthood or be a bishop? Am I supposed to feel bad because women don't wear pants to church? Because I never have... it just doesn't make sense to me. All of these topics that have been coming up, that women in the LDS faith are having the wool pulled over our eyes I've never agreed with. I don't feel that way. I've never felt more loved and respected as a woman anywhere in the world as I have within my religion. Reading this book it was so refreshing to me that there are other LDS women out there that feel the same way that I do about our religion, about womanhood, and the divine role of motherhood, and about being a woman in the LDS faith.

I would recommend this book to anyone, but I HIGHLY recommend this book to all women in the LDS faith. It was so uplifting to read. I feel like a lot of my fears in this pregnancy because of my past have been settled and comforted due to this book. It has been amazing to read and to learn from all the different experiences in there.

So my friend Rachelle who recommended this book to me failed to tell me that it was her sister who co-authored this book! I figured it out when I read about her in there and read the birth story of her son as it was told by her husband in the book. Last night there was a book party where two of the authors would be meeting and anyone who wanted to come and talk about the book could. So we headed down for a fun and fulfilling night to talk about womanhood, motherhood, and God. It was so nice to be in such a good, positive environment like that!

I tried to just soak in the good vibes that were all around. With everything that has happened this past week and with what has happened in my last birthing experience I was ready to just sit back, remember that God is in charge and that he loves and takes care of his daughters. It was nice to be surrounded by women who feel like birth is a spiritual event, not just a "medical event" that happens.  It's bringing a spirit son or daughter into the world.

 Rachelle, Me, Robyn Allgood and Lani Axman (both co-authors).

I felt kind of silly asking them to sign my book, but why the heck not! Once again, I can't recommend this book enough. I think it's time I start reading it again for round #2...

Operation "keep the baby cooking" has begun...

Oy... this last week was an interesting one...

Chillin' in labor and delivery... enjoying my Betos salad...

Last week I had two nights where I woke up in the middle of the night having contractions. I've been having Braxton Hicks for a long time, really since about 17 weeks of pregnancy. But they have been getting worse lately. I haven't thought much of it, they are normal right? But it's become every time that I stand up, or am walking around, or bend over to pick something up. So Thursday at about 2 AM I woke up having a contraction. I got up, went to use the loo, and had another contraction on my way to bed. I tried going back to sleep but within a few minutes had another contraction. What in the world is going on? I downloaded a contraction timer to my phone to see if I could see if they were as consistent as I thought they were. They started dying out and went away within an hour and I was able to go back to sleep.

The next night I noticed that I was having pretty consistent contractions at 3 AM. I started timing them, and they were about 3 1/2 minutes apart. Hello! Are you kidding me! I thought about waking Trent up and going into labor and delivery but they weren't painful, and I would have 3 close together and then about a 10 minute break before another one. So they weren't completely consistent. But this lasted the whole night. Finally at around 7:30 AM they started fading away and I was able to get some sleep. But it really scared me.

I called my doctors office when I woke up and they told me to come in and get checked out. So we headed down there. I told my doctor what was up and she pretty much said as long as they go away then they are just practice contractions/Braxton Hicks and not something to get worried about. Then she wanted to do an exam... and changed her tune a little bit.

You were right to trust your intuition and get checked out.

Apparently my cervix is no longer holding up to the weight of the baby. So right now I am 33 weeks and almost completely effaced, and dilated to a 2.

We spent the next few hours having an ultrasound done to make sure that the baby is head down (which he is!) and getting steroid shots to mature the baby's lungs so that if he is born in the next two weeks or so his lungs should be okay. They then had me go get monitored in L & D to make sure that they baby's heart rate was okay and that I wasn't still having regular contractions. Everything was fine, but I am now really, really taking it easy so that we can try to keep this little guy cooking for a bit longer.

This is something that I've been worried about for the whole pregnancy to be honest. Mostly because my doctor in Las Vegas told me that because I have had a few uterine surgeries (D&C's) where my cervix was opened prematurely as well as a preterm baby where my cervix was opened prematurely, that there is a greater chance of my cervix opening up prematurely during pregnancy. I've been  having my doctors check the length of my cervix through this whole pregnancy (via ultrasound) and it has always looked great! I even had my doctor check it two weeks ago because I had been having lots of contractions during the day, and it was totally fine and not effacing yet.

So I don't really know what has suddenly caused my body to start contracting in the middle of the night, but that's just how it's going right now. I have medication that I can take if I start contracting that is supposed to make them stop, but so far I haven't had to take them yet. The goal is to try and keep this baby in until 36 weeks and then if he's born it should be okay.

So strange... I was totally planning on having 7 more weeks to prepare for this baby, and now I feel like it could be any time! I'm not done learning my hypnobabies stuff yet, so I'm nervous that I wont be ready to do that if I have this baby in the next two weeks. There is also lots to be done that I haven't even started thinking about because we've been busy being busy, having a fun summer, and spending this time playing instead of getting ready... because we had so much time!

And I'm worried about him being born too soon. I know that 33 weeks is okay. That there is so much that can be done for preemies and that they do so well now. But it does make me nervous.

Life... is so interesting sometimes isn't it? So now I'm trying to get my house ready and clean, get the baby stuff all ready to go, pack my hospital bag, all while laying on the couch. It's not that easy to do! I'm so grateful for good friends who have stepped up in the last few days and come to my rescue. I have a hard time asking for helping and accepting help, but it seems to be a common theme in my life so I'm just embracing it and grateful for the good people around me.

Pieces...

My friend Michelle's little ladies...

Something interesting that has happened to me in the last few weeks is that I've found myself several times sitting at someones kitchen table. Observing their life while they make dinner, or we just talk. It's so interesting to me to peek into someones life for an afternoon. I've noticed that these short small moments have left an impression on me. Seeing how other's live their lives, care for their children, or cook their dinner. I've been picking up a few pieces from others and trying to follow suit. Such as...

:: A dear old friend that I hadn't seen in a while had me stay for dinner after she let me sort through all her baby clothes that she no longer needed. She then fed me the most amazing dinner. It was mango, black bean, and a red pepper salad on romaine lettuce boats. So simple, so healthy, and amazing. I then watched her four little boys eat the same thing. Stuffing their faces with cherry tomatoes and black beans. I must be missing something here. Not a pack of mac n' cheese in sight. I left feeling refreshed and wanting to do a lot better for my family.

:: Another friend cooked away in her bright orange and blue kitchen. I love how she pulled glass bottles of water out of her fridge, that I know she filled up in the natural spring nearby. It sounds simple, but it doesn't get more refreshing than ice cold spring water in a glass bottle. I think it's been far to long since I made a visit to that spring.

:: Another friend made homemade alfredo and grated her own parmesan cheese. I don't know that I have ever bought actual parmesan cheese that didn't come in a plastic bottle with a green lid. Her children ran around in their unders/diaper happily while mom cooked dinner.

:: Maybe one of my favorites is visiting my friend Michelle and watching our kids chase chickens out in the yard while we make dinner. Every once in a while the kids will come inside with an egg in each hand that they found in the coop to add to the pile in the fridge. She grows a big garden and is a pro at grilling zucchini for dinner that tastes divine.

I love eating with friends... it's the good company, the conversation, and peeking into their life in an intimate way. Seeing how they cook, how they multitask, how they take care of their kids and be mom for a few hours.

 I also love taking pieces of that home with me, to my house. To my family. To make our lives a little more healthy, simple, and enjoyable. It makes me wonder though what someone might take home after sitting at my table for an afternoon. What could I offer my friends without even knowing it? Maybe it's time I followed suit and invited someone to sit at my table for an afternoon...

June...

June was a whirlwind... there was so much going on, I can't believe it's already over.

... First off, we went on a little trip to see my brother Nate and his wife Nicole up in Idaho. I feel bad that they have lived there for two years and this is the first time that we have made it up to see them. It was fun to see where they live and what their lives are like up there.

Little Blue was completely glued to Nicole's hip. He calls her Princess Nicole ;). I told her to just enjoy it while it lasts. They took us to a little amusement park there and the only one he wanted to ride the rides with was her. She was a super good sport!

We went on a gorgeous drive to Driggs and saw the west side of the Tetons. So beautiful up there! I wish we could have stayed longer and spent more time up there.

We even went on a little hike to find this waterfall. It about did me in... but oh well! It was worth it!

... Our trip ended early so we could make it back to celebrate and honor Trent's grandpa who passed away on June 10th. Trent has always been very close to his grandparents. Part of the reason why we felt very strongly to move back to Utah a year and a half ago was so that we could spend some more time with his grandparents before they passed on. I'm so glad we've had this time with his grandpa and I feel good about the things we've tried to help them with in the last while. It has been sweet to see the little relationship that Blue had developed with his great-grandpa.

Both my boys get their big blue eyes from this man. He will be very missed but we are glad he has moved on and is no longer suffering in his earthly body.

 ... We went to the small town Peoa Stampede this month and Blue got to participate in the children's rodeo. It was so much fun, we'll have to do it again next year. They were giving away chickens, bunnies, kitties to whoever could run up to them/catch them first (thankfully he did not win any of those). He also caught fish in the big fish pond with his bare hands, and mutton busted! We really wanted him to try that but he was super hesitant. He ended up doing it, but was on for such a short time I could get a picture of him on the sheep. Here he is just after in the middle with his metal that he's so proud of.

... We've been watching our garden grow and trying to stay on top of the weeds. I love that things grow so well here. It's pretty amazing to plant such tiny seeds and watch the plants grow so big! I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed with everything that we've planted, and haven't been the best gardener, but hopefully come fall when it's time to pick I will be able to enjoy the time out in the garden with our new baby by my side. I guess we will see how it all works out then.

 

 

... My sister Carly left last week on an LDS mission to Minnesota! She is the first of us four girls in our family to go on a mission. I'm sure it will be a huge change and a lot of hard work, but I'm excited to see how she grows through this experience.

 



... Last weekend we went up to Strawberry Reservoir and camped overnight and caught crawdad's and had our annual crawdad boil with Trent's extended family. I only took one picture of the whole trip and it was of this beautiful meadow that we drove by searching for firewood.

After one night of camping and spending the whole day out in the sun by the lake I think I'm ready to just sit inside and soak up the AC for the next two months till this baby is born! A mixture of heat and eating junk food (meaning pop... so bad for you) I swelled up like a balloon. Not fun! Thankfully two days of junk detox and lots of water I'm feeling much better and the swelling has gone away.

I know that the summer is still young, and I don't want to be a poor sport, but after such a full and busy June I'm ready to lay low... take it easy and just simplify a little until the baby is born. I'm not loving feeling so worn out all the time. So I think I will just pull up my chair by this meadow (metaphorically at least) and take it a little easier for the time being.

Pallet flag...

I've been itching to work on another pallet wood project lately. I just love taking a pile of old wood like this...

And turning it into something pretty like this...

Here is my new July decoration! I've decided to make at least one new decoration for each holiday a year. That way it's not over kill but I can build up my holiday décor slowly but surely. It was pretty simple, paint the boards, nail them to a frame,  put some stars on, simple right?

Sheesh... those stars were nearly the end of this project. Lets just take a moment and look at these perfectly circular and evenly spaced stars shall we?

I had the hardest time figuring out how to do the stars like this. That Betsy Ross... she's my new hero for sewing those 13 stars on the first flag. I wanted to do it like the first original flag but almost gave up.

After thinking about it for a few weeks I decided that I really needed to find a projector so that I could just project the image and trace it on. As fate would have it, one Sunday afternoon we were taking a walk and our neighbor up the street had an old projector out on the curb. So I knocked on her door and asked about the projector. She said that they had never been able to get it to work and I was welcome to have it to see if we had better luck. So we took it home and Trent changed all the connections in it, and we ordered a new light bulb. We got it to turn on but it wouldn't focus on anything at all... so I was stumped.

Then one day I came home and found this lovely box sitting on my front steps.

Turns out this same neighbor had a son who had a projector that he was going to take to the DI and they brought it down to me. They said that it worked just fine but there was a mirror inside that had fallen off and needed to be put back in place. We put the mirror back where it belonged and now I have a beautiful, functional projector!!!

Look at this beautiful thing! I love this projector... oh the projects I could do with this thing. I love that it folds up nice and small to be put away, and that it's not too heavy to move around.

This projector was the answer to my Betsy Ross wanna be star problem. I just printed off the star template onto a transparency and projected it onto the flag and traced the stars with a paint pen. Then I hand painted in all the stars. I'm super happy with how it turned out! If anyone wants to make some pallet art (or a Betsy Ross flag...) let me know! Cause I have a projector!!

So here is a bit of a sad crafting story. My whole idea about making one new craft for each holiday a year went bad in a bad way.

Remember this wreath I made last year? Well, here is a picture of it last year...

And here it is this year...

I'm calling this one a Pinterest fail. I had read somewhere (on Pinterest of course) that you could take a pool noodle and duct tape it in a circle and use it for a wreath form. So that's what I did for the wreath, and as you can see it now looks like a saggy old bag. It's awful. I still totally hung it up on my door... because this was my July craft for last year dangit! But I need to fix it... it's bad. I just don't know if I really want to spend the time again.

So just a word of warning... plastic pool noodles sag and do not make good wreath forms! Just buy a real wreath okay!

Loving this pregnant body...

I found myself in the most beautiful cherry orchard this week. Trent's uncle is a fruit farmer and they had a little party in the orchard this last week. It was too pretty to not take a few pictures in. I'm now officially 30 weeks pregnant... 3/4 of the way there! We are on the last stretch and it feels so good to be here.

I've been studying my hypnobabies every chance I get, trying to get ready for this little boy's birthday. One thing that they have you do is listen to their positive pregnancy affirmations every single day, trying to reprogram your brain to think good, positive thoughts about pregnancy and your changing body as opposed to all the negative stories and ideas that we hear about pregnancy and birth. Something interesting has been brought to my attention from listening to these affirmations everyday...

 I really, really, hated my body.

I think that most women have issues with their body to some extent. I've always been very conscious about my body. I've tried to take care of my body as well as I could, and still not loved it. I've tried hard to eat healthy things and exercise and have lived most of my adult life within 5 lbs of what I weighed when I graduated high school.

That is until my body failed me.

That is how I have really felt for the past several years. My body, that I have tried hard to take care of, failed me. It couldn't properly develop a placenta and that is why we lost our little boy. And then the greatest of all bodily insults... it developed cancer when I was 25 years old!!! Seriously, body, seriously. Not to mention infertility and the feelings of failure that brings with it. Why couldn't my body just work like other's do?

That is when the really poor self talk started. I was broken, my body was totally broken. I was a broken girl. That is also when I started eating whatever I wanted because I was so miserable I decided that at least I was going to enjoy eating good food.

It's been years now of feeling like a broken girl in a broken body. I don't know why I ever expected my body to be perfect, but I have felt very betrayed by my body and the things that have happened.

So as I started listening to these positive affirmations nightly, it was a hard thing for me to do. Hearing things such as:

My body knows just how to be in perfect health, and is now producing perfect health for me and my baby.

Oy... this one was jarring. Does my body know how to be in perfect health? What if I have cancer lurking in there somewhere again? My body doesn't have a clue.

I have complete confidence that my body is working perfectly.

I could not listen to this one and have it settle well. I don't have complete confidence that my body is working perfectly. I'm a broken girl remember.

My body is healthy and whole.

It took me about 2 weeks of listening to this every night before I decided to humor myself and to start believing it. Why not? Why do I have to be so hard on myself and my body? Why can't I just wrap my arms around this poor body that has been through so much and watch this miracle unfold? Free of judgment, forgiving it for the past, and focus on trying to do whatever I could to love and except my body for what it is right this minute.

I love my pregnant body and accept it everyday.
I enjoy eating well for myself and my baby.
My changing body is radiantly beautiful.
I accept all of the changes that pregnancy brings to me.

These were a little easier to swallow. I really have been in awe that this poor, wounded body can produce a baby. That I am able to grow another human being. That I feel so great right now and it has been humbling and beautiful to watch my body do what it was made and meant to do.

So here I am. I have scars and wounds that are still healing. But I'm choosing to love and accept my body. To believe that it is perfect, and radiant, and beautiful. I now officially weight the most that I have ever weighed, having passed up the weight I was the day I gave birth to Blue. But I don't care.

I feel a confidence coming back to me that has been gone for a long time, and it feels good. It feels good to finally be able to forgive my body for past sins... for not being perfect. And to give it another chance. Forgiveness really is such a healing thing. I didn't realize that I needed to get past this and truly forgive my body until I started listening to these words everyday.

Just as it's been a great blessing to watch this body grow and change with a baby inside, I'm excited to see my body birth a baby, and breast feed again, and I plan on doing whatever I need to take care of it. I'm not broken, my body isn't broken. It's just needed time and a second chance. It's the only one I'm ever going to get and I'm grateful that every night I get to remind myself of this beautiful gift of a body that I have.

Blue...

I don't like to use my little boy's name on this blog. I don't know why... I don't know that I've ever used his name on this blog, I just call him "my boy" for the most part. I realize that most of the people who read this already know what his name is, or if you want to know it's not hard to find out. But I just prefer to not use it... I feel better blogging about my little minor child that way.

But with another little boy on the way I don't think that I can keep calling him "my boy". So I've decided to give this guy his own blogging name. From here on out my oldest son will be known as Blue on the blog. It wasn't a hard name to come up with... I mean... look at these eyes I get to gaze at everyday...

I hope that they new baby gets these dreamy blue eyes from his dad too. Also, I'm not planning on using the new baby's name on this blog... so hopefully we can pick something suitable for him when the time comes.

Thoughts on childbirth...

 

I remember driving to the hospital to have my first baby. The thought went through my head, "Ok... now how is this baby going to come out?" I hadn't taken any childbirth classes or really "prepared" in anyway to birth a child. I figured that I would go into the hospital with the baby in my body and leave with it in the car seat and I guess I was about to find out how it all went down while I was in there. And I did find out how it all went down, and yes the baby did come out... but not the way that I expected or thought would happen.

To make a long story short (aren't birth stories always terribly long...) I was induced, got an epidural when I was 4 centimeters, baby showed signs of distress so I had to wear oxygen, became fully dilated, pushed for 2 hours, laid on the bed for another 2 hours while the nurse tried to find a doctor to come evaluate me (mine was nowhere to be found...), had a C-section.

I was mad. I cried through the whole surgery. The first day of my sons life turned from being about welcoming him into the world to being about me. I had just had this massive surgery. I was in pain. I was traumatized by the whole experience. I've always felt bad that it became about me and not about him. I've always felt cheated from the whole experience because of how it went down.

This experience wasn't too long ago, only 5 1/2 years ago... but so much has changed since then. I was told then that because I'd had a C-section that I would always have to have a C-section. As a woman I mourned the possibility of having a vaginal birth like women are suppose to have.

Then something miraculous came from my next birth. I had mentioned to my doctor that I wanted a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and he said, "Well, we will see how things go... let's not get ahead of ourselves." I think that he knew that my chances of losing the baby were great and we might not get to that point. He wasn't there the night I gave birth to Clayton. My water broke, I went into labor naturally a few hours later. I got an epidural because I saw no point in feeling physical pain when I was already in such emotional pain. The doctor on call came in and said, "Since you've had a C-section you're going to have to have another one. I'm going to go prep for surgery." Really? This baby is going to be so tiny! And you want to do a C-section! When he left the room a tiny miracle happened for me that day. I gave birth to my little one pound baby vaginally with just myself and my husband in the room. I didn't even realize what was happening at the time. I didn't push or anything, he sort of just birthed himself. I felt then and feel today like this was his little gift to me. I gave him a body... he gave me my VBAC.

I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking about this whole situation. It's only been in the last 3 years that the Board of Obstetrics has changed their stance on the whole C-section thing now stating that: attempting a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) is a safe and appropriate choice for most women who have had a prior cesarean delivery, including for some women who have had two previous cesareans.

I could now possibly attempt another VBAC (I've never been really sure if a 1 lb baby truly counted...) hopefully without too much hassle. Another tiny miracle/blessing in my life occurred when my husband went to nursing school. He went to The College of Southern Nevada for his nursing degree, which is a smaller school. I think that because he was at a smaller school, he had some advantages that one might not have at a larger university. One of these is that his labor and delivery instructor was a certified nurse/midwife and former doula. I realize that unless your husband is a doctor or a nurse, they have probably only witnessed you give birth to a baby. However, because of his schooling and labor and delivery unit... my husband has seen many women give birth. He has witnessed all sorts of births. Epidurals, C-sections, natural births, inmate births where the woman is handcuffed to the bed... yep, he's seen a lot. Something that his instructor taught his class is that when a woman gives birth, the baby will have an easier time making their way down the birth canal if the mom is able to be walking, moving, squatting, or in other words ACTIVE in the birth. If a woman is just lying on her back the whole time then she may have a harder time getting the baby out. But the only way for the mom to be active and moving during a birth is if she doesn't have an epidural.

Excuse me?!? Was my first response! Ya right, if I'm the one having the baby I will do it however I want! Except for the fact that I have tried that before... and ended up with a C-section. So the thought of natural birth has been on my mind for a few years now, with my husbands gentle prodding. I'm sure that if things had gone well with my first birthing experience then I would have no reason to think differently or change my opinion on having a baby. However, I am like 1/3 of women who end up having a C-section, which is way too high a number.

My goals for the birth of this baby that is growing inside of me are:

First, to avoid a C-section at all cost. I realize that there are certain situations that do require a C-section and that it is a great blessing that the option is available. I don't think that 30% of babies born fall into that category though. I also believe that I certainly didn't when I had my first son, but that is what happened. I recently learned that my great grandmother was pregnant with a little girl who weighed over 12 lbs at birth. She was too big to be born vaginally and they had to break the baby's shoulders to get her out of the mom, and the baby died from the trauma. What an awful situation, that if it had happened today could have been avoided by a C-section.  Yes, there are reasons for a C-section, and if it comes to that I will do it. But not without trying every other avenue possible.

Second, to have a good birthing experience. I realize this is totally subjective. More than anything, I just want to be pro-active about the whole situation and try to take some responsibility for how this birth is going to happen. I don't want to walk into the hospital again saying, "Well, I guess we'll see how this birthing thing happens." I want to walk in there calm, prepared, ready to actively birth my baby in the healthiest, least traumatic way possible for me and for the baby. And I really do believe that this can happen, but I need to be prepared and to do whatever I can to help make this happen.

So the last month and a half have been interesting. As time gets closer to having this baby I've been making more decisions that move me closer to a natural birth. The first big one was that I fired my OB and found a different one at 22 weeks pregnant. He said, "Sure you can try a VBAC!" But I didn't really believe him. He has a very high C-section rate. Also, I brought up the idea of a natural delivery to him and my reasons why I thought it would help me avoid a C-section (the whole being able to move around and help the baby come down the birth canal...) and he completely dismissed this whole idea. He said that women have better deliveries when they have epidurals because they aren't fighting the pain the whole time and can relax... but it's my delivery and I can do what I want. There was the most awkward silence for the rest of the appointment, I knew that I couldn't continue to have him as my doctor if he wasn't on board with me. So within a week I found an OB who is AMAZING!!! She is a member of ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and has a high rate for performing successful VBACS. She is very holistic in her birthing approach and is so thorough with her patients, it's refreshing! She spent 45 minutes with us at our first appointment and went over my first sons birth and told me exactly what she would have done differently to avoid a C-section. She also went though my sisters and mothers birthing history to see if I would be a good candidate for a VBAC. I am so glad that I found her and feel like this is the best provider I could have for the birth of this boy. She has me back on my diet to try and not gain too much weight during this pregnancy so hopefully the baby wont be so big this time around. I'm so glad that I found her and feel a lot better about heading into this with her as my doctor.

There are other things I'm doing to try and prepare for this. I just ordered my Hypnobabies Home Study Course and will start learning that next week. Two of my cousins have done multiple natural births using this method and swear by it. I'm hopeful that it will work and that I will be able to practice it enough that I can use it effectively. I'm also looking into hiring a doula to come and help me with the birth. I will be birthing at a hospital, I'm not ready to go the whole midwife/homebirth route... especially with my history. But I think that with having my nurse husband who is 100% supportive of me and a doula and my awesome OB that I will be able to do this successfully.

I'm not usually one to go outside of the norm in things like this... but I've learned that people change. Opinions change. Usually going through something that wasn't very pleasant causes us to change and to seek something that will be a better fit for us. People do this all the time with religion, relationships, hairstyles, eating habits... child birth philosophies. It's okay to change! I've also learned that those who are the least supportive of my ideas on wanting to birth this way are people who have never even attempted a natural birth... go figure. They have no experience with it but a whole lot of negative opinions. I'm lucky to have a good handful of friends who have birthed this way and are completely supportive and encouraging of me! That has been so nice to pull from their examples and their strength.

And bless dear Ina May... her book is what really set me on the course to really do this. I love this quote by her and believe that women are made to birth their babies. Fingers are crossed that everything goes well... I guess we will see!

Brother's day...

Wednesday the 15th marked 4 years since we had baby Clayton. I can't even believe that it's been that long! I forget sometimes how close he and his older brother would have been. Here we are getting ready to send our kiddo to kindergarten this fall and Clayton would have been the next year.

 

I decided a few weeks ago to switch OB's for this pregnancy (more on that later...) and had to change around my big ultrasound day. I think that it was a good sign that I scheduled it on Clayton's birthday and didn't think twice about it. I realized later that day when I went to put it on my calendar. Then I had a little panic set in, should I switch it? Is it weird to go have an ultrasound of your new baby on the day that your last baby died? Sigh... oh well. We were just going to do it! I think it was really nice to have something great happening that day instead of dwelling on the past.

 

Also, at the last minute something important came up that took my sweet husband out of town... so he missed the whole day! I cried a little over that one. I knew that it was just the way that it worked out and there was nothing I could really do about it. But I was sad that he couldn't be there for the ultrasound and to spend the day with us. So we decided to make it a brother's day and do something for all three of these little boys that day!

 

First up... this little dude got to come to the ultrasound with me and see his little brother! He did really well. He is a wild kid, doesn't sit still very well, but he was on his best behavior and did great! The doctor gave him two suckers, one for him and one for his baby brother. He thought that was pretty cool. The baby looks absolutely great! He had his hands in front of his face the whole time so we weren't able to get a super great profile shot. But he is measuring exactly to my due date and is a whole 1 lb 11 oz right now. He's almost double the size that Clayton was when he was born so that made me feel good.

 

 

Then we headed to my boy's favorite spot... the dinosaur park in Ogden. We had a few hours to kill between ultrasound and doctor's appointment due to some scheduling problems, so we went there for a while and explored. He's been begging me to go since we went last summer, but most of it is outside so we needed to wait until it warmed up. He had fun running around seeing all the dino's. And mom got a little camera happy... it was brother's day after all!

 

 



There is a mystery trail there that we hadn't seen before that we wandered down (a few times). I almost hate to say that this mama dinosaur protecting her little babies pulled at my heart strings a little... I blame it on the pregnancy hormones. It turned out to be the boy's favorite part of the park too.

He did not want me to take this picture... he was pretty scared of standing at the mouth of a big dinosaur about to eat him! I let him throw a rock at him before hand to make sure it was really just a statue.

We finished off the day driving down to the cemetery to visit Clayton's grave. We picked up my mom and had her come with us. There was a little storm that blew in and it started to rain a little while we were there. But it was nice to come and see the tangible proof that this boy really did exist for a short time. I don't like coming to the cemetery because is makes me sad to think I have a child buried in the ground. It makes me sad to think about what we've lost and how our lives could have been. I usually only come on his birthday because if his own mother doesn't come then who will? But it felt really good and peaceful there that night. I let the boy pick out some flowers for his grave and he picked three beautiful sunflowers. It felt very fitting since we grew big sunflowers last year. The three were for him, his dad, and me.

As I left the cemetery I felt really warm and peaceful inside. I don't know that I've ever felt Clayton's spirit over the last 4 years, but that night I really felt like he was smiling down on us. I'm in a good place right now. I think that being pregnant again and having this new little life growing inside of me makes all the difference in the world with that. I was told after we had Clayton that the best way to overcome losing a baby like that was to get pregnant and have another baby. I get it now, it really does help heal these wounds to be looking forward to another baby.

As we drove home exhausted from our long, full day we saw a beautiful rainbow covering the Salt Lake Valley. It was a very fitting end of the day and it felt like a little gift...

"And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh." - Genesis 9:14-15

I know this promise is about not flooding the earth again like was done in the times of Noah... but to me it felt like my own little promise. Four years ago a cloud and storm came into my life, and flooded me with so much sorrow and took away my son... but the waters shall no more become a flood and destroy all flesh. He's not going to take away my son again, it's going to be okay. This time, it's going to work out. I felt a lot of peace driving back home, watching the rainbows circling the valley. It was a beautiful ending to a beautiful day filled with reflection and hope.