The Gift of Giving Life...

I don't normally do book reviews on here, but I couldn't not do a review on this book! I haven't wanted to read a ton of books about pregnancy and childbirth right now, mainly because there is so much information and opinions out there... it can be a bit overwhelming. Everyone has an idea as to how things should be done, all the different methods, and it can get confusing.

But this book has been such a blessing in my life and is probably the best book I have ever read, honestly.

My friend Rachelle recommended The Gift of Giving Life to me a little while ago. I'm not much of a book buyer, I would rather just check something out from the library. But after reading the blog for a few days I knew that I had to go find this book. It took three stores but I finally got a hold of a copy. It was really hard to put down and I finished it in a week (not bad for over 500 pages).

Basically, it's a book about the spirituality of childbirth, motherhood, womanhood told from an LDS perspective. It is complied by five LDS women, all with different strengths and insights that they brought into this book. It talks about just about everything under the sun in relation to womanhood such as all different types of birth stories, abortion, adoption, infertility, post partum depression, dreams of children before they are born... the list goes on and on. They talk a lot about the different women in the scriptures and their births or struggles with fertility, how the atonement is so parallel to birth. They even talk about a lot of things that you wouldn't normally hear about, such as thoughts on Heavenly Mother and meditation.

What I love the most about this book is that I felt so connected to my fellow LDS sisters. In the last few years I've felt like the minority among my good friends and family members who were raised in the church like I was but are no longer are part of the church or have it in their lives. I completely respect their decisions and opinions. But at the same time I have never felt that way. I love being a woman in the LDS church. I feel honored, and loved in my religion. I've often wondered if I'm totally missing something... if I'm supposed to feel belittled or less than a man because I can't hold the priesthood or be a bishop? Am I supposed to feel bad because women don't wear pants to church? Because I never have... it just doesn't make sense to me. All of these topics that have been coming up, that women in the LDS faith are having the wool pulled over our eyes I've never agreed with. I don't feel that way. I've never felt more loved and respected as a woman anywhere in the world as I have within my religion. Reading this book it was so refreshing to me that there are other LDS women out there that feel the same way that I do about our religion, about womanhood, and the divine role of motherhood, and about being a woman in the LDS faith.

I would recommend this book to anyone, but I HIGHLY recommend this book to all women in the LDS faith. It was so uplifting to read. I feel like a lot of my fears in this pregnancy because of my past have been settled and comforted due to this book. It has been amazing to read and to learn from all the different experiences in there.

So my friend Rachelle who recommended this book to me failed to tell me that it was her sister who co-authored this book! I figured it out when I read about her in there and read the birth story of her son as it was told by her husband in the book. Last night there was a book party where two of the authors would be meeting and anyone who wanted to come and talk about the book could. So we headed down for a fun and fulfilling night to talk about womanhood, motherhood, and God. It was so nice to be in such a good, positive environment like that!

I tried to just soak in the good vibes that were all around. With everything that has happened this past week and with what has happened in my last birthing experience I was ready to just sit back, remember that God is in charge and that he loves and takes care of his daughters. It was nice to be surrounded by women who feel like birth is a spiritual event, not just a "medical event" that happens.  It's bringing a spirit son or daughter into the world.

 Rachelle, Me, Robyn Allgood and Lani Axman (both co-authors).

I felt kind of silly asking them to sign my book, but why the heck not! Once again, I can't recommend this book enough. I think it's time I start reading it again for round #2...

Operation "keep the baby cooking" has begun...

Oy... this last week was an interesting one...

Chillin' in labor and delivery... enjoying my Betos salad...

Last week I had two nights where I woke up in the middle of the night having contractions. I've been having Braxton Hicks for a long time, really since about 17 weeks of pregnancy. But they have been getting worse lately. I haven't thought much of it, they are normal right? But it's become every time that I stand up, or am walking around, or bend over to pick something up. So Thursday at about 2 AM I woke up having a contraction. I got up, went to use the loo, and had another contraction on my way to bed. I tried going back to sleep but within a few minutes had another contraction. What in the world is going on? I downloaded a contraction timer to my phone to see if I could see if they were as consistent as I thought they were. They started dying out and went away within an hour and I was able to go back to sleep.

The next night I noticed that I was having pretty consistent contractions at 3 AM. I started timing them, and they were about 3 1/2 minutes apart. Hello! Are you kidding me! I thought about waking Trent up and going into labor and delivery but they weren't painful, and I would have 3 close together and then about a 10 minute break before another one. So they weren't completely consistent. But this lasted the whole night. Finally at around 7:30 AM they started fading away and I was able to get some sleep. But it really scared me.

I called my doctors office when I woke up and they told me to come in and get checked out. So we headed down there. I told my doctor what was up and she pretty much said as long as they go away then they are just practice contractions/Braxton Hicks and not something to get worried about. Then she wanted to do an exam... and changed her tune a little bit.

You were right to trust your intuition and get checked out.

Apparently my cervix is no longer holding up to the weight of the baby. So right now I am 33 weeks and almost completely effaced, and dilated to a 2.

We spent the next few hours having an ultrasound done to make sure that the baby is head down (which he is!) and getting steroid shots to mature the baby's lungs so that if he is born in the next two weeks or so his lungs should be okay. They then had me go get monitored in L & D to make sure that they baby's heart rate was okay and that I wasn't still having regular contractions. Everything was fine, but I am now really, really taking it easy so that we can try to keep this little guy cooking for a bit longer.

This is something that I've been worried about for the whole pregnancy to be honest. Mostly because my doctor in Las Vegas told me that because I have had a few uterine surgeries (D&C's) where my cervix was opened prematurely as well as a preterm baby where my cervix was opened prematurely, that there is a greater chance of my cervix opening up prematurely during pregnancy. I've been  having my doctors check the length of my cervix through this whole pregnancy (via ultrasound) and it has always looked great! I even had my doctor check it two weeks ago because I had been having lots of contractions during the day, and it was totally fine and not effacing yet.

So I don't really know what has suddenly caused my body to start contracting in the middle of the night, but that's just how it's going right now. I have medication that I can take if I start contracting that is supposed to make them stop, but so far I haven't had to take them yet. The goal is to try and keep this baby in until 36 weeks and then if he's born it should be okay.

So strange... I was totally planning on having 7 more weeks to prepare for this baby, and now I feel like it could be any time! I'm not done learning my hypnobabies stuff yet, so I'm nervous that I wont be ready to do that if I have this baby in the next two weeks. There is also lots to be done that I haven't even started thinking about because we've been busy being busy, having a fun summer, and spending this time playing instead of getting ready... because we had so much time!

And I'm worried about him being born too soon. I know that 33 weeks is okay. That there is so much that can be done for preemies and that they do so well now. But it does make me nervous.

Life... is so interesting sometimes isn't it? So now I'm trying to get my house ready and clean, get the baby stuff all ready to go, pack my hospital bag, all while laying on the couch. It's not that easy to do! I'm so grateful for good friends who have stepped up in the last few days and come to my rescue. I have a hard time asking for helping and accepting help, but it seems to be a common theme in my life so I'm just embracing it and grateful for the good people around me.

Pieces...

My friend Michelle's little ladies...

Something interesting that has happened to me in the last few weeks is that I've found myself several times sitting at someones kitchen table. Observing their life while they make dinner, or we just talk. It's so interesting to me to peek into someones life for an afternoon. I've noticed that these short small moments have left an impression on me. Seeing how other's live their lives, care for their children, or cook their dinner. I've been picking up a few pieces from others and trying to follow suit. Such as...

:: A dear old friend that I hadn't seen in a while had me stay for dinner after she let me sort through all her baby clothes that she no longer needed. She then fed me the most amazing dinner. It was mango, black bean, and a red pepper salad on romaine lettuce boats. So simple, so healthy, and amazing. I then watched her four little boys eat the same thing. Stuffing their faces with cherry tomatoes and black beans. I must be missing something here. Not a pack of mac n' cheese in sight. I left feeling refreshed and wanting to do a lot better for my family.

:: Another friend cooked away in her bright orange and blue kitchen. I love how she pulled glass bottles of water out of her fridge, that I know she filled up in the natural spring nearby. It sounds simple, but it doesn't get more refreshing than ice cold spring water in a glass bottle. I think it's been far to long since I made a visit to that spring.

:: Another friend made homemade alfredo and grated her own parmesan cheese. I don't know that I have ever bought actual parmesan cheese that didn't come in a plastic bottle with a green lid. Her children ran around in their unders/diaper happily while mom cooked dinner.

:: Maybe one of my favorites is visiting my friend Michelle and watching our kids chase chickens out in the yard while we make dinner. Every once in a while the kids will come inside with an egg in each hand that they found in the coop to add to the pile in the fridge. She grows a big garden and is a pro at grilling zucchini for dinner that tastes divine.

I love eating with friends... it's the good company, the conversation, and peeking into their life in an intimate way. Seeing how they cook, how they multitask, how they take care of their kids and be mom for a few hours.

 I also love taking pieces of that home with me, to my house. To my family. To make our lives a little more healthy, simple, and enjoyable. It makes me wonder though what someone might take home after sitting at my table for an afternoon. What could I offer my friends without even knowing it? Maybe it's time I followed suit and invited someone to sit at my table for an afternoon...

June...

June was a whirlwind... there was so much going on, I can't believe it's already over.

... First off, we went on a little trip to see my brother Nate and his wife Nicole up in Idaho. I feel bad that they have lived there for two years and this is the first time that we have made it up to see them. It was fun to see where they live and what their lives are like up there.

Little Blue was completely glued to Nicole's hip. He calls her Princess Nicole ;). I told her to just enjoy it while it lasts. They took us to a little amusement park there and the only one he wanted to ride the rides with was her. She was a super good sport!

We went on a gorgeous drive to Driggs and saw the west side of the Tetons. So beautiful up there! I wish we could have stayed longer and spent more time up there.

We even went on a little hike to find this waterfall. It about did me in... but oh well! It was worth it!

... Our trip ended early so we could make it back to celebrate and honor Trent's grandpa who passed away on June 10th. Trent has always been very close to his grandparents. Part of the reason why we felt very strongly to move back to Utah a year and a half ago was so that we could spend some more time with his grandparents before they passed on. I'm so glad we've had this time with his grandpa and I feel good about the things we've tried to help them with in the last while. It has been sweet to see the little relationship that Blue had developed with his great-grandpa.

Both my boys get their big blue eyes from this man. He will be very missed but we are glad he has moved on and is no longer suffering in his earthly body.

 ... We went to the small town Peoa Stampede this month and Blue got to participate in the children's rodeo. It was so much fun, we'll have to do it again next year. They were giving away chickens, bunnies, kitties to whoever could run up to them/catch them first (thankfully he did not win any of those). He also caught fish in the big fish pond with his bare hands, and mutton busted! We really wanted him to try that but he was super hesitant. He ended up doing it, but was on for such a short time I could get a picture of him on the sheep. Here he is just after in the middle with his metal that he's so proud of.

... We've been watching our garden grow and trying to stay on top of the weeds. I love that things grow so well here. It's pretty amazing to plant such tiny seeds and watch the plants grow so big! I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed with everything that we've planted, and haven't been the best gardener, but hopefully come fall when it's time to pick I will be able to enjoy the time out in the garden with our new baby by my side. I guess we will see how it all works out then.

 

 

... My sister Carly left last week on an LDS mission to Minnesota! She is the first of us four girls in our family to go on a mission. I'm sure it will be a huge change and a lot of hard work, but I'm excited to see how she grows through this experience.

 



... Last weekend we went up to Strawberry Reservoir and camped overnight and caught crawdad's and had our annual crawdad boil with Trent's extended family. I only took one picture of the whole trip and it was of this beautiful meadow that we drove by searching for firewood.

After one night of camping and spending the whole day out in the sun by the lake I think I'm ready to just sit inside and soak up the AC for the next two months till this baby is born! A mixture of heat and eating junk food (meaning pop... so bad for you) I swelled up like a balloon. Not fun! Thankfully two days of junk detox and lots of water I'm feeling much better and the swelling has gone away.

I know that the summer is still young, and I don't want to be a poor sport, but after such a full and busy June I'm ready to lay low... take it easy and just simplify a little until the baby is born. I'm not loving feeling so worn out all the time. So I think I will just pull up my chair by this meadow (metaphorically at least) and take it a little easier for the time being.

Pallet flag...

I've been itching to work on another pallet wood project lately. I just love taking a pile of old wood like this...

And turning it into something pretty like this...

Here is my new July decoration! I've decided to make at least one new decoration for each holiday a year. That way it's not over kill but I can build up my holiday décor slowly but surely. It was pretty simple, paint the boards, nail them to a frame,  put some stars on, simple right?

Sheesh... those stars were nearly the end of this project. Lets just take a moment and look at these perfectly circular and evenly spaced stars shall we?

I had the hardest time figuring out how to do the stars like this. That Betsy Ross... she's my new hero for sewing those 13 stars on the first flag. I wanted to do it like the first original flag but almost gave up.

After thinking about it for a few weeks I decided that I really needed to find a projector so that I could just project the image and trace it on. As fate would have it, one Sunday afternoon we were taking a walk and our neighbor up the street had an old projector out on the curb. So I knocked on her door and asked about the projector. She said that they had never been able to get it to work and I was welcome to have it to see if we had better luck. So we took it home and Trent changed all the connections in it, and we ordered a new light bulb. We got it to turn on but it wouldn't focus on anything at all... so I was stumped.

Then one day I came home and found this lovely box sitting on my front steps.

Turns out this same neighbor had a son who had a projector that he was going to take to the DI and they brought it down to me. They said that it worked just fine but there was a mirror inside that had fallen off and needed to be put back in place. We put the mirror back where it belonged and now I have a beautiful, functional projector!!!

Look at this beautiful thing! I love this projector... oh the projects I could do with this thing. I love that it folds up nice and small to be put away, and that it's not too heavy to move around.

This projector was the answer to my Betsy Ross wanna be star problem. I just printed off the star template onto a transparency and projected it onto the flag and traced the stars with a paint pen. Then I hand painted in all the stars. I'm super happy with how it turned out! If anyone wants to make some pallet art (or a Betsy Ross flag...) let me know! Cause I have a projector!!

So here is a bit of a sad crafting story. My whole idea about making one new craft for each holiday a year went bad in a bad way.

Remember this wreath I made last year? Well, here is a picture of it last year...

And here it is this year...

I'm calling this one a Pinterest fail. I had read somewhere (on Pinterest of course) that you could take a pool noodle and duct tape it in a circle and use it for a wreath form. So that's what I did for the wreath, and as you can see it now looks like a saggy old bag. It's awful. I still totally hung it up on my door... because this was my July craft for last year dangit! But I need to fix it... it's bad. I just don't know if I really want to spend the time again.

So just a word of warning... plastic pool noodles sag and do not make good wreath forms! Just buy a real wreath okay!

Loving this pregnant body...

I found myself in the most beautiful cherry orchard this week. Trent's uncle is a fruit farmer and they had a little party in the orchard this last week. It was too pretty to not take a few pictures in. I'm now officially 30 weeks pregnant... 3/4 of the way there! We are on the last stretch and it feels so good to be here.

I've been studying my hypnobabies every chance I get, trying to get ready for this little boy's birthday. One thing that they have you do is listen to their positive pregnancy affirmations every single day, trying to reprogram your brain to think good, positive thoughts about pregnancy and your changing body as opposed to all the negative stories and ideas that we hear about pregnancy and birth. Something interesting has been brought to my attention from listening to these affirmations everyday...

 I really, really, hated my body.

I think that most women have issues with their body to some extent. I've always been very conscious about my body. I've tried to take care of my body as well as I could, and still not loved it. I've tried hard to eat healthy things and exercise and have lived most of my adult life within 5 lbs of what I weighed when I graduated high school.

That is until my body failed me.

That is how I have really felt for the past several years. My body, that I have tried hard to take care of, failed me. It couldn't properly develop a placenta and that is why we lost our little boy. And then the greatest of all bodily insults... it developed cancer when I was 25 years old!!! Seriously, body, seriously. Not to mention infertility and the feelings of failure that brings with it. Why couldn't my body just work like other's do?

That is when the really poor self talk started. I was broken, my body was totally broken. I was a broken girl. That is also when I started eating whatever I wanted because I was so miserable I decided that at least I was going to enjoy eating good food.

It's been years now of feeling like a broken girl in a broken body. I don't know why I ever expected my body to be perfect, but I have felt very betrayed by my body and the things that have happened.

So as I started listening to these positive affirmations nightly, it was a hard thing for me to do. Hearing things such as:

My body knows just how to be in perfect health, and is now producing perfect health for me and my baby.

Oy... this one was jarring. Does my body know how to be in perfect health? What if I have cancer lurking in there somewhere again? My body doesn't have a clue.

I have complete confidence that my body is working perfectly.

I could not listen to this one and have it settle well. I don't have complete confidence that my body is working perfectly. I'm a broken girl remember.

My body is healthy and whole.

It took me about 2 weeks of listening to this every night before I decided to humor myself and to start believing it. Why not? Why do I have to be so hard on myself and my body? Why can't I just wrap my arms around this poor body that has been through so much and watch this miracle unfold? Free of judgment, forgiving it for the past, and focus on trying to do whatever I could to love and except my body for what it is right this minute.

I love my pregnant body and accept it everyday.
I enjoy eating well for myself and my baby.
My changing body is radiantly beautiful.
I accept all of the changes that pregnancy brings to me.

These were a little easier to swallow. I really have been in awe that this poor, wounded body can produce a baby. That I am able to grow another human being. That I feel so great right now and it has been humbling and beautiful to watch my body do what it was made and meant to do.

So here I am. I have scars and wounds that are still healing. But I'm choosing to love and accept my body. To believe that it is perfect, and radiant, and beautiful. I now officially weight the most that I have ever weighed, having passed up the weight I was the day I gave birth to Blue. But I don't care.

I feel a confidence coming back to me that has been gone for a long time, and it feels good. It feels good to finally be able to forgive my body for past sins... for not being perfect. And to give it another chance. Forgiveness really is such a healing thing. I didn't realize that I needed to get past this and truly forgive my body until I started listening to these words everyday.

Just as it's been a great blessing to watch this body grow and change with a baby inside, I'm excited to see my body birth a baby, and breast feed again, and I plan on doing whatever I need to take care of it. I'm not broken, my body isn't broken. It's just needed time and a second chance. It's the only one I'm ever going to get and I'm grateful that every night I get to remind myself of this beautiful gift of a body that I have.

Blue...

I don't like to use my little boy's name on this blog. I don't know why... I don't know that I've ever used his name on this blog, I just call him "my boy" for the most part. I realize that most of the people who read this already know what his name is, or if you want to know it's not hard to find out. But I just prefer to not use it... I feel better blogging about my little minor child that way.

But with another little boy on the way I don't think that I can keep calling him "my boy". So I've decided to give this guy his own blogging name. From here on out my oldest son will be known as Blue on the blog. It wasn't a hard name to come up with... I mean... look at these eyes I get to gaze at everyday...

I hope that they new baby gets these dreamy blue eyes from his dad too. Also, I'm not planning on using the new baby's name on this blog... so hopefully we can pick something suitable for him when the time comes.

Thoughts on childbirth...

 

I remember driving to the hospital to have my first baby. The thought went through my head, "Ok... now how is this baby going to come out?" I hadn't taken any childbirth classes or really "prepared" in anyway to birth a child. I figured that I would go into the hospital with the baby in my body and leave with it in the car seat and I guess I was about to find out how it all went down while I was in there. And I did find out how it all went down, and yes the baby did come out... but not the way that I expected or thought would happen.

To make a long story short (aren't birth stories always terribly long...) I was induced, got an epidural when I was 4 centimeters, baby showed signs of distress so I had to wear oxygen, became fully dilated, pushed for 2 hours, laid on the bed for another 2 hours while the nurse tried to find a doctor to come evaluate me (mine was nowhere to be found...), had a C-section.

I was mad. I cried through the whole surgery. The first day of my sons life turned from being about welcoming him into the world to being about me. I had just had this massive surgery. I was in pain. I was traumatized by the whole experience. I've always felt bad that it became about me and not about him. I've always felt cheated from the whole experience because of how it went down.

This experience wasn't too long ago, only 5 1/2 years ago... but so much has changed since then. I was told then that because I'd had a C-section that I would always have to have a C-section. As a woman I mourned the possibility of having a vaginal birth like women are suppose to have.

Then something miraculous came from my next birth. I had mentioned to my doctor that I wanted a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and he said, "Well, we will see how things go... let's not get ahead of ourselves." I think that he knew that my chances of losing the baby were great and we might not get to that point. He wasn't there the night I gave birth to Clayton. My water broke, I went into labor naturally a few hours later. I got an epidural because I saw no point in feeling physical pain when I was already in such emotional pain. The doctor on call came in and said, "Since you've had a C-section you're going to have to have another one. I'm going to go prep for surgery." Really? This baby is going to be so tiny! And you want to do a C-section! When he left the room a tiny miracle happened for me that day. I gave birth to my little one pound baby vaginally with just myself and my husband in the room. I didn't even realize what was happening at the time. I didn't push or anything, he sort of just birthed himself. I felt then and feel today like this was his little gift to me. I gave him a body... he gave me my VBAC.

I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking about this whole situation. It's only been in the last 3 years that the Board of Obstetrics has changed their stance on the whole C-section thing now stating that: attempting a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) is a safe and appropriate choice for most women who have had a prior cesarean delivery, including for some women who have had two previous cesareans.

I could now possibly attempt another VBAC (I've never been really sure if a 1 lb baby truly counted...) hopefully without too much hassle. Another tiny miracle/blessing in my life occurred when my husband went to nursing school. He went to The College of Southern Nevada for his nursing degree, which is a smaller school. I think that because he was at a smaller school, he had some advantages that one might not have at a larger university. One of these is that his labor and delivery instructor was a certified nurse/midwife and former doula. I realize that unless your husband is a doctor or a nurse, they have probably only witnessed you give birth to a baby. However, because of his schooling and labor and delivery unit... my husband has seen many women give birth. He has witnessed all sorts of births. Epidurals, C-sections, natural births, inmate births where the woman is handcuffed to the bed... yep, he's seen a lot. Something that his instructor taught his class is that when a woman gives birth, the baby will have an easier time making their way down the birth canal if the mom is able to be walking, moving, squatting, or in other words ACTIVE in the birth. If a woman is just lying on her back the whole time then she may have a harder time getting the baby out. But the only way for the mom to be active and moving during a birth is if she doesn't have an epidural.

Excuse me?!? Was my first response! Ya right, if I'm the one having the baby I will do it however I want! Except for the fact that I have tried that before... and ended up with a C-section. So the thought of natural birth has been on my mind for a few years now, with my husbands gentle prodding. I'm sure that if things had gone well with my first birthing experience then I would have no reason to think differently or change my opinion on having a baby. However, I am like 1/3 of women who end up having a C-section, which is way too high a number.

My goals for the birth of this baby that is growing inside of me are:

First, to avoid a C-section at all cost. I realize that there are certain situations that do require a C-section and that it is a great blessing that the option is available. I don't think that 30% of babies born fall into that category though. I also believe that I certainly didn't when I had my first son, but that is what happened. I recently learned that my great grandmother was pregnant with a little girl who weighed over 12 lbs at birth. She was too big to be born vaginally and they had to break the baby's shoulders to get her out of the mom, and the baby died from the trauma. What an awful situation, that if it had happened today could have been avoided by a C-section.  Yes, there are reasons for a C-section, and if it comes to that I will do it. But not without trying every other avenue possible.

Second, to have a good birthing experience. I realize this is totally subjective. More than anything, I just want to be pro-active about the whole situation and try to take some responsibility for how this birth is going to happen. I don't want to walk into the hospital again saying, "Well, I guess we'll see how this birthing thing happens." I want to walk in there calm, prepared, ready to actively birth my baby in the healthiest, least traumatic way possible for me and for the baby. And I really do believe that this can happen, but I need to be prepared and to do whatever I can to help make this happen.

So the last month and a half have been interesting. As time gets closer to having this baby I've been making more decisions that move me closer to a natural birth. The first big one was that I fired my OB and found a different one at 22 weeks pregnant. He said, "Sure you can try a VBAC!" But I didn't really believe him. He has a very high C-section rate. Also, I brought up the idea of a natural delivery to him and my reasons why I thought it would help me avoid a C-section (the whole being able to move around and help the baby come down the birth canal...) and he completely dismissed this whole idea. He said that women have better deliveries when they have epidurals because they aren't fighting the pain the whole time and can relax... but it's my delivery and I can do what I want. There was the most awkward silence for the rest of the appointment, I knew that I couldn't continue to have him as my doctor if he wasn't on board with me. So within a week I found an OB who is AMAZING!!! She is a member of ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and has a high rate for performing successful VBACS. She is very holistic in her birthing approach and is so thorough with her patients, it's refreshing! She spent 45 minutes with us at our first appointment and went over my first sons birth and told me exactly what she would have done differently to avoid a C-section. She also went though my sisters and mothers birthing history to see if I would be a good candidate for a VBAC. I am so glad that I found her and feel like this is the best provider I could have for the birth of this boy. She has me back on my diet to try and not gain too much weight during this pregnancy so hopefully the baby wont be so big this time around. I'm so glad that I found her and feel a lot better about heading into this with her as my doctor.

There are other things I'm doing to try and prepare for this. I just ordered my Hypnobabies Home Study Course and will start learning that next week. Two of my cousins have done multiple natural births using this method and swear by it. I'm hopeful that it will work and that I will be able to practice it enough that I can use it effectively. I'm also looking into hiring a doula to come and help me with the birth. I will be birthing at a hospital, I'm not ready to go the whole midwife/homebirth route... especially with my history. But I think that with having my nurse husband who is 100% supportive of me and a doula and my awesome OB that I will be able to do this successfully.

I'm not usually one to go outside of the norm in things like this... but I've learned that people change. Opinions change. Usually going through something that wasn't very pleasant causes us to change and to seek something that will be a better fit for us. People do this all the time with religion, relationships, hairstyles, eating habits... child birth philosophies. It's okay to change! I've also learned that those who are the least supportive of my ideas on wanting to birth this way are people who have never even attempted a natural birth... go figure. They have no experience with it but a whole lot of negative opinions. I'm lucky to have a good handful of friends who have birthed this way and are completely supportive and encouraging of me! That has been so nice to pull from their examples and their strength.

And bless dear Ina May... her book is what really set me on the course to really do this. I love this quote by her and believe that women are made to birth their babies. Fingers are crossed that everything goes well... I guess we will see!

Brother's day...

Wednesday the 15th marked 4 years since we had baby Clayton. I can't even believe that it's been that long! I forget sometimes how close he and his older brother would have been. Here we are getting ready to send our kiddo to kindergarten this fall and Clayton would have been the next year.

 

I decided a few weeks ago to switch OB's for this pregnancy (more on that later...) and had to change around my big ultrasound day. I think that it was a good sign that I scheduled it on Clayton's birthday and didn't think twice about it. I realized later that day when I went to put it on my calendar. Then I had a little panic set in, should I switch it? Is it weird to go have an ultrasound of your new baby on the day that your last baby died? Sigh... oh well. We were just going to do it! I think it was really nice to have something great happening that day instead of dwelling on the past.

 

Also, at the last minute something important came up that took my sweet husband out of town... so he missed the whole day! I cried a little over that one. I knew that it was just the way that it worked out and there was nothing I could really do about it. But I was sad that he couldn't be there for the ultrasound and to spend the day with us. So we decided to make it a brother's day and do something for all three of these little boys that day!

 

First up... this little dude got to come to the ultrasound with me and see his little brother! He did really well. He is a wild kid, doesn't sit still very well, but he was on his best behavior and did great! The doctor gave him two suckers, one for him and one for his baby brother. He thought that was pretty cool. The baby looks absolutely great! He had his hands in front of his face the whole time so we weren't able to get a super great profile shot. But he is measuring exactly to my due date and is a whole 1 lb 11 oz right now. He's almost double the size that Clayton was when he was born so that made me feel good.

 

 

Then we headed to my boy's favorite spot... the dinosaur park in Ogden. We had a few hours to kill between ultrasound and doctor's appointment due to some scheduling problems, so we went there for a while and explored. He's been begging me to go since we went last summer, but most of it is outside so we needed to wait until it warmed up. He had fun running around seeing all the dino's. And mom got a little camera happy... it was brother's day after all!

 

 



There is a mystery trail there that we hadn't seen before that we wandered down (a few times). I almost hate to say that this mama dinosaur protecting her little babies pulled at my heart strings a little... I blame it on the pregnancy hormones. It turned out to be the boy's favorite part of the park too.

He did not want me to take this picture... he was pretty scared of standing at the mouth of a big dinosaur about to eat him! I let him throw a rock at him before hand to make sure it was really just a statue.

We finished off the day driving down to the cemetery to visit Clayton's grave. We picked up my mom and had her come with us. There was a little storm that blew in and it started to rain a little while we were there. But it was nice to come and see the tangible proof that this boy really did exist for a short time. I don't like coming to the cemetery because is makes me sad to think I have a child buried in the ground. It makes me sad to think about what we've lost and how our lives could have been. I usually only come on his birthday because if his own mother doesn't come then who will? But it felt really good and peaceful there that night. I let the boy pick out some flowers for his grave and he picked three beautiful sunflowers. It felt very fitting since we grew big sunflowers last year. The three were for him, his dad, and me.

As I left the cemetery I felt really warm and peaceful inside. I don't know that I've ever felt Clayton's spirit over the last 4 years, but that night I really felt like he was smiling down on us. I'm in a good place right now. I think that being pregnant again and having this new little life growing inside of me makes all the difference in the world with that. I was told after we had Clayton that the best way to overcome losing a baby like that was to get pregnant and have another baby. I get it now, it really does help heal these wounds to be looking forward to another baby.

As we drove home exhausted from our long, full day we saw a beautiful rainbow covering the Salt Lake Valley. It was a very fitting end of the day and it felt like a little gift...

"And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh." - Genesis 9:14-15

I know this promise is about not flooding the earth again like was done in the times of Noah... but to me it felt like my own little promise. Four years ago a cloud and storm came into my life, and flooded me with so much sorrow and took away my son... but the waters shall no more become a flood and destroy all flesh. He's not going to take away my son again, it's going to be okay. This time, it's going to work out. I felt a lot of peace driving back home, watching the rainbows circling the valley. It was a beautiful ending to a beautiful day filled with reflection and hope.

Livingroom progress...

 I have this belief... call it what you will... the laws of the universe, the secret, whatever.  But I believe that if you take a thought in your head and you say it out loud,  write it down, blog about it, it is no longer a thought or idea but it becomes real. It becomes a tangible thing that you can see, and it can grow and evolve from there. But if it's left as a thought in your head there it will stay.

Which is why I wrote a post about what I wanted to do in my living room to spruce things up. I also wrote a nice long to do list on all the things I hope to get done for this room. We've been here for a year and almost nothing has gotten accomplished in this room. But within the last week things have happened, moved along, and we are well on our way!

First, after three days of looking at fabric at the store for some throw pillows that would match my green/brown rug I decided that I didn't want this rug anymore. I love it, it's a great rug... but it is getting old, and it's stained, and I just wasn't loving how limited it made me in my decorating options. Basically, I couldn't do what I wanted to do and match the rug. So I told my husband what I really wanted was to get rid of it and get a jute rug... I was totally dreaming! But he said, "Sure, lets get a new rug! That's fine!" AHHHH!!! I was so excited!! I've been doing some extra typing work for his job and had some extra money that we could get the rug with... so that's what we did (we got it from IKEA). I can't believe that Trent agreed to let me get a jute rug. You see, he could care less about style and goes more for comfort. I was worried that he would hate it because of the texture.

Turns out the rough texture is like a good foot massage on these pregnant feet. It's perfect!

So with that I had a clean slate to do whatever I wanted with this room! Here is where the whole "laws of the universe" come in. I've been wanting to find a long dresser that I could re-paint and put in the living room to house all of the baby's stuff in. I had been searching Craigslist and KSL for something that would work for a  few weeks. Then one day last week I got an e-mail (from the lady in our ward that sends out the mass e-mails) that said FREE DRESSER. Huh? Someone in my ward was giving away a 9 drawer dresser for free! So I jumped on it, called up the man who had it, and now we have a nice long dresser that I can paint and fix up the way I want it!

It's not exactly the style that I was looking for... but it's free! And I think that once I get it all re-done it will look just fine.

I've been trying to decide if I should go teal or yellow. I love yellow. That's what I'm leaning towards now. But I just don't want there to be too much yellow going on in the room. So maybe teal? Not sure still...

Here are some yellows that I love...

 yellow 1, 2, 3

 

And some teal...

 



 

 

teal 1, 2

 

I think that I'm just going to have to pick one and hope that I like it. And if not, I can always re-do it. I like the teal, but I worry that I just like it because it's trendy now... and I'm not a very trendy person. So we'll see (... and now that I've re-read this post I'm loving the teal! Oh help! Maybe it's just the cute baby in the picture that is swaying me to teal).

 

I did however sew up some cute yellow pillows out of the old yellow curtains that were in our Las Vegas condo... they make me happy!

 



 

 

It feels good to be making some progress! My list is already getting checked off and things are getting accomplished... it feels good!

 



Mother's...

And on that note... Happy Mother's Day! Ha! I felt bad this weekend for putting up a rant about my child just before Mother's Day. But the reality is that sometimes motherhood is hard. It can be really frustrating and stressful at times... but it is also very rewarding and something that I cherish and love so much.

I think that Mother's Day can be hard for lots of people for lots of different reasons. It kind of makes me wonder why we celebrate Mother's/Father's Day at all. I think that every woman at one time or another has a really difficult Mother's Day. Whether it's because you don't have kids and you really want to be a mother, or because your mother is gone and you miss her. Maybe you have lost a child, and miss them on Mother's Day. Or maybe you have small kids and it's a real challenge sometimes to be a mom and feel good about your mothering (umm... hello! Raising my hand here!), maybe you don't have the type of relationship with your mom or kids that you wish you did and that makes it a hard day.

I think another way it can be hard is that I see lots of women who expect their husbands to jump to the moon and back on Mother's Day or else they claim it was a bad Mother's Day. They want breakfast in bed, no responsibility for the day with their kids or house work, they want the dishes done... floors mopped... noses and bums wiped by dad all day long so that they can relax! Not to mention they want chocolates, flowers, or some other gift to symbolize to them that they are loved and appreciated as a mother dangit! And if things fall short... it wasn't a very good day.

So the conclusion that I came to yesterday as another Mother's Day came and went is that I believe that families are important. I think that if you have a Mother or children that you love and care about you should be doing this all year long and not just on Mother's Day. I think that life is short, nobody is in the perfect situation and enjoy what you have at this very moment because things can change so fast. I think that Mother's Day is important because families are important, and mother's are a big part of the family.

I had very low expectations for Mother's Day yesterday. Mostly because my husband was in the middle of his work week and I knew that I would only see him for about 15 minutes yesterday (and that is pretty much how it was!). So I was very pleasantly surprised that he came home from work at 6:30 AM and made me a nice breakfast to wake up to. I got to spend the day with just me and my boy... trying to keep ourselves entertained until we went to church, and then we went and visited the mom's/grandma's in our lives. I was planning on leftovers for dinner because I didn't want to make myself dinner, but my mom invited us over and I had a wonderful dinner made by my dad. It was a great day. One of the best parts of the day was that I got to sit and enjoy lots of little kicks from this baby I am currently nurturing inside of my body, as well as cuddle a sweet boy who would come sit on my lap. I am very, very blessed. I've had some rough Mother's Days in the past and so I tried to really soak in my motherhood yesterday and all it entails.

My greatest wish in life is to be a mother and I am so blessed to be able to do that.

Anyway, I'm rambling on about this... but I wanted to do a little tribute to the mom's in my life. They are so important to me.

First... my mom.

High school graduation picture I think. It has been so nice to be back in Utah and to be able to spend more time with my mom and family again. My mom works really hard for her family. A lot of the things I do as a mom I learned from her. I clean with vinegar water a lot of the time. I learned to sew and cook because of her. I make to do lists a mile long because of her... I learned that raising kids is hard work and she has sacrificed a lot for us. I love my siblings and am grateful that my parents wanted to have a big family and brought all of them into the world, they are some of my best friends. I was able to spend the weekend with my mom. One thing that she likes to do is  have birthday dinners for us kids on our birthdays. Saturday was my little sister Carly's birthday, but my mom was recovering from a surgery and worried that she wouldn't be up to making Carly's favorite foods for her birthday. So I tried to step in and help out, and made my mom's fried chicken and homemade gravy (which was my grandma's recipe) as Carly requested. I was nervous... I've never been successful at making homemade gravy EVER before. But it turned out great! My mom felt well enough to come and help me with the gravy part and it was nice to stand at her stove, in her kitchen, wearing her apron, with my mom... making gravy. It sounds so simple, but it is memories like this that I will cherish. Thank you for all that you do mom! We love you!

Next is my husband's mom Linda...

I've never met this woman who raised my husband. She passed away after we had been on 3 dates from lung cancer. But over the last 11 1/2 years that I have been around her family I feel as though I have a good idea of who she was and is. She raised an amazing son... and amazing kids! Her 11 living kids are some of the best people I have ever met in my life and I am so glad to be part of their family. My husband's love of gardening comes from her. She would grow big gardens and plant beautiful flowers around her home. I can tell she was a selfless woman, partly because she had 12 children. How can you have 12 kids and not be selfless? I watch her kids, especially her daughters work hard to help each other. They go do fun things together, they make yummy food, they try hard to include everyone. They are very selfless and if someone needs help with something, they jump and don't ever look back or complain. They are great examples to me of the person that I hope to become and I think it's because this is how their mom raised them to be. They all miss her... I know they do. But they have carried on with their lives since she left in a beautiful way. I look forward to meeting this wonderful woman someday.

Next is my husband's step mom Karen...

I had never seen an old picture of Karen until last night, when I asked her to dig one out for me! I love her short, ratted bob! How stylish! Karen has been in our family for the past 9 years (I think) when she married Trent's dad. We moved away shortly after they got married and I didn't really get a chance to know her too well. That was until she did something for us that I never expected anyone to ever do. She let us move into her basement for 6 months while we tried to get settled back into Utah. She and my father in law wanted us to move in! She insisted on paying for all the food, and would take us out or treat us to whatever when my husband was out of work. She didn't complain about my wild little boy running all over her house and spoiled him rotten. She showed me that she cared about us and wanted to do whatever she could to help us get back on our feet and start our lives up here so that we could be close to family again. I am so so so grateful to Karen for this. She is a good grandma to all these little step grandkids she has. She puts on amazing Easter egg hunts each year and buys Christmas presents for the kids that out shine Santa's! She takes good care of Trent's dad which I think is so important. They make each other happy. I love Karen and am grateful to have her in our lives. She loves playing games so we try to make it out there whenever we can to have game nights with her. I've missed not living with her for the past year (believe it or not) and have learned a lot from her example.

Being a mother is hard work, and I'm grateful for the women in my life and husband's life who have sacrificed to help raise us teach us how to care for others.

This boy...

This boy tried my patience to the umpteenth degree today...

He went through three pairs of pants. Two because they were completely caked with mud, and one because he decided to draw the number 9 on them with a Sharpe marker (his best pair none the less).

Even though my fuse was increasingly short by the end of the day, I decided to go to the store to pick up a few items for tomorrow. My boy decided he needed to touch every.single.thing in the store.

"Don't touch that! Keep your hands on the cart... Dude knock it OFF!!!"

Someday I wonder if I will ever get my kid to listen to me. I try to explain to him why he needs to keep up with me and not touch everything, but my words fell on deaf ears.

Then his curiosity got the best of him when he lifted a 25 lb kettle bell off the shelf and dropped it right on his big toe.

Ouch...

I do feel bad for the kid. I don't know if his toe is broken, but his purple toe nail does not look very good. The rest of the night was spent with his wailing and crying over his toe.

But I don't feel very bad for him. The "I told you so..." in me hopes that he learned his lesson, but I don't know.

I feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad that my kid wont listen to me. I feel bad that I am so impatient and have a hard time being a mom sometimes. I feel bad that I get worked up over muddy pants and Sharpe markers. I feel bad that I yell. I'm a yeller, and I feel bad every time. I worry that I wont be able to handle two wild and crazy little boys...

Ahhhh... motherhood. It is trying at times isn't it? I think that tomorrow instead of saying, "No... Don't... knock it off!" I'm going to try to spend some time cuddling, and loving and giving attention to my boy.

And cross my fingers and hope for the best... cause 5 years into this I still don't know what I'm doing most of the time.