Thoughts on childbirth...

 

I remember driving to the hospital to have my first baby. The thought went through my head, "Ok... now how is this baby going to come out?" I hadn't taken any childbirth classes or really "prepared" in anyway to birth a child. I figured that I would go into the hospital with the baby in my body and leave with it in the car seat and I guess I was about to find out how it all went down while I was in there. And I did find out how it all went down, and yes the baby did come out... but not the way that I expected or thought would happen.

To make a long story short (aren't birth stories always terribly long...) I was induced, got an epidural when I was 4 centimeters, baby showed signs of distress so I had to wear oxygen, became fully dilated, pushed for 2 hours, laid on the bed for another 2 hours while the nurse tried to find a doctor to come evaluate me (mine was nowhere to be found...), had a C-section.

I was mad. I cried through the whole surgery. The first day of my sons life turned from being about welcoming him into the world to being about me. I had just had this massive surgery. I was in pain. I was traumatized by the whole experience. I've always felt bad that it became about me and not about him. I've always felt cheated from the whole experience because of how it went down.

This experience wasn't too long ago, only 5 1/2 years ago... but so much has changed since then. I was told then that because I'd had a C-section that I would always have to have a C-section. As a woman I mourned the possibility of having a vaginal birth like women are suppose to have.

Then something miraculous came from my next birth. I had mentioned to my doctor that I wanted a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and he said, "Well, we will see how things go... let's not get ahead of ourselves." I think that he knew that my chances of losing the baby were great and we might not get to that point. He wasn't there the night I gave birth to Clayton. My water broke, I went into labor naturally a few hours later. I got an epidural because I saw no point in feeling physical pain when I was already in such emotional pain. The doctor on call came in and said, "Since you've had a C-section you're going to have to have another one. I'm going to go prep for surgery." Really? This baby is going to be so tiny! And you want to do a C-section! When he left the room a tiny miracle happened for me that day. I gave birth to my little one pound baby vaginally with just myself and my husband in the room. I didn't even realize what was happening at the time. I didn't push or anything, he sort of just birthed himself. I felt then and feel today like this was his little gift to me. I gave him a body... he gave me my VBAC.

I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking about this whole situation. It's only been in the last 3 years that the Board of Obstetrics has changed their stance on the whole C-section thing now stating that: attempting a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) is a safe and appropriate choice for most women who have had a prior cesarean delivery, including for some women who have had two previous cesareans.

I could now possibly attempt another VBAC (I've never been really sure if a 1 lb baby truly counted...) hopefully without too much hassle. Another tiny miracle/blessing in my life occurred when my husband went to nursing school. He went to The College of Southern Nevada for his nursing degree, which is a smaller school. I think that because he was at a smaller school, he had some advantages that one might not have at a larger university. One of these is that his labor and delivery instructor was a certified nurse/midwife and former doula. I realize that unless your husband is a doctor or a nurse, they have probably only witnessed you give birth to a baby. However, because of his schooling and labor and delivery unit... my husband has seen many women give birth. He has witnessed all sorts of births. Epidurals, C-sections, natural births, inmate births where the woman is handcuffed to the bed... yep, he's seen a lot. Something that his instructor taught his class is that when a woman gives birth, the baby will have an easier time making their way down the birth canal if the mom is able to be walking, moving, squatting, or in other words ACTIVE in the birth. If a woman is just lying on her back the whole time then she may have a harder time getting the baby out. But the only way for the mom to be active and moving during a birth is if she doesn't have an epidural.

Excuse me?!? Was my first response! Ya right, if I'm the one having the baby I will do it however I want! Except for the fact that I have tried that before... and ended up with a C-section. So the thought of natural birth has been on my mind for a few years now, with my husbands gentle prodding. I'm sure that if things had gone well with my first birthing experience then I would have no reason to think differently or change my opinion on having a baby. However, I am like 1/3 of women who end up having a C-section, which is way too high a number.

My goals for the birth of this baby that is growing inside of me are:

First, to avoid a C-section at all cost. I realize that there are certain situations that do require a C-section and that it is a great blessing that the option is available. I don't think that 30% of babies born fall into that category though. I also believe that I certainly didn't when I had my first son, but that is what happened. I recently learned that my great grandmother was pregnant with a little girl who weighed over 12 lbs at birth. She was too big to be born vaginally and they had to break the baby's shoulders to get her out of the mom, and the baby died from the trauma. What an awful situation, that if it had happened today could have been avoided by a C-section.  Yes, there are reasons for a C-section, and if it comes to that I will do it. But not without trying every other avenue possible.

Second, to have a good birthing experience. I realize this is totally subjective. More than anything, I just want to be pro-active about the whole situation and try to take some responsibility for how this birth is going to happen. I don't want to walk into the hospital again saying, "Well, I guess we'll see how this birthing thing happens." I want to walk in there calm, prepared, ready to actively birth my baby in the healthiest, least traumatic way possible for me and for the baby. And I really do believe that this can happen, but I need to be prepared and to do whatever I can to help make this happen.

So the last month and a half have been interesting. As time gets closer to having this baby I've been making more decisions that move me closer to a natural birth. The first big one was that I fired my OB and found a different one at 22 weeks pregnant. He said, "Sure you can try a VBAC!" But I didn't really believe him. He has a very high C-section rate. Also, I brought up the idea of a natural delivery to him and my reasons why I thought it would help me avoid a C-section (the whole being able to move around and help the baby come down the birth canal...) and he completely dismissed this whole idea. He said that women have better deliveries when they have epidurals because they aren't fighting the pain the whole time and can relax... but it's my delivery and I can do what I want. There was the most awkward silence for the rest of the appointment, I knew that I couldn't continue to have him as my doctor if he wasn't on board with me. So within a week I found an OB who is AMAZING!!! She is a member of ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and has a high rate for performing successful VBACS. She is very holistic in her birthing approach and is so thorough with her patients, it's refreshing! She spent 45 minutes with us at our first appointment and went over my first sons birth and told me exactly what she would have done differently to avoid a C-section. She also went though my sisters and mothers birthing history to see if I would be a good candidate for a VBAC. I am so glad that I found her and feel like this is the best provider I could have for the birth of this boy. She has me back on my diet to try and not gain too much weight during this pregnancy so hopefully the baby wont be so big this time around. I'm so glad that I found her and feel a lot better about heading into this with her as my doctor.

There are other things I'm doing to try and prepare for this. I just ordered my Hypnobabies Home Study Course and will start learning that next week. Two of my cousins have done multiple natural births using this method and swear by it. I'm hopeful that it will work and that I will be able to practice it enough that I can use it effectively. I'm also looking into hiring a doula to come and help me with the birth. I will be birthing at a hospital, I'm not ready to go the whole midwife/homebirth route... especially with my history. But I think that with having my nurse husband who is 100% supportive of me and a doula and my awesome OB that I will be able to do this successfully.

I'm not usually one to go outside of the norm in things like this... but I've learned that people change. Opinions change. Usually going through something that wasn't very pleasant causes us to change and to seek something that will be a better fit for us. People do this all the time with religion, relationships, hairstyles, eating habits... child birth philosophies. It's okay to change! I've also learned that those who are the least supportive of my ideas on wanting to birth this way are people who have never even attempted a natural birth... go figure. They have no experience with it but a whole lot of negative opinions. I'm lucky to have a good handful of friends who have birthed this way and are completely supportive and encouraging of me! That has been so nice to pull from their examples and their strength.

And bless dear Ina May... her book is what really set me on the course to really do this. I love this quote by her and believe that women are made to birth their babies. Fingers are crossed that everything goes well... I guess we will see!

Brother's day...

Wednesday the 15th marked 4 years since we had baby Clayton. I can't even believe that it's been that long! I forget sometimes how close he and his older brother would have been. Here we are getting ready to send our kiddo to kindergarten this fall and Clayton would have been the next year.

 

I decided a few weeks ago to switch OB's for this pregnancy (more on that later...) and had to change around my big ultrasound day. I think that it was a good sign that I scheduled it on Clayton's birthday and didn't think twice about it. I realized later that day when I went to put it on my calendar. Then I had a little panic set in, should I switch it? Is it weird to go have an ultrasound of your new baby on the day that your last baby died? Sigh... oh well. We were just going to do it! I think it was really nice to have something great happening that day instead of dwelling on the past.

 

Also, at the last minute something important came up that took my sweet husband out of town... so he missed the whole day! I cried a little over that one. I knew that it was just the way that it worked out and there was nothing I could really do about it. But I was sad that he couldn't be there for the ultrasound and to spend the day with us. So we decided to make it a brother's day and do something for all three of these little boys that day!

 

First up... this little dude got to come to the ultrasound with me and see his little brother! He did really well. He is a wild kid, doesn't sit still very well, but he was on his best behavior and did great! The doctor gave him two suckers, one for him and one for his baby brother. He thought that was pretty cool. The baby looks absolutely great! He had his hands in front of his face the whole time so we weren't able to get a super great profile shot. But he is measuring exactly to my due date and is a whole 1 lb 11 oz right now. He's almost double the size that Clayton was when he was born so that made me feel good.

 

 

Then we headed to my boy's favorite spot... the dinosaur park in Ogden. We had a few hours to kill between ultrasound and doctor's appointment due to some scheduling problems, so we went there for a while and explored. He's been begging me to go since we went last summer, but most of it is outside so we needed to wait until it warmed up. He had fun running around seeing all the dino's. And mom got a little camera happy... it was brother's day after all!

 

 



There is a mystery trail there that we hadn't seen before that we wandered down (a few times). I almost hate to say that this mama dinosaur protecting her little babies pulled at my heart strings a little... I blame it on the pregnancy hormones. It turned out to be the boy's favorite part of the park too.

He did not want me to take this picture... he was pretty scared of standing at the mouth of a big dinosaur about to eat him! I let him throw a rock at him before hand to make sure it was really just a statue.

We finished off the day driving down to the cemetery to visit Clayton's grave. We picked up my mom and had her come with us. There was a little storm that blew in and it started to rain a little while we were there. But it was nice to come and see the tangible proof that this boy really did exist for a short time. I don't like coming to the cemetery because is makes me sad to think I have a child buried in the ground. It makes me sad to think about what we've lost and how our lives could have been. I usually only come on his birthday because if his own mother doesn't come then who will? But it felt really good and peaceful there that night. I let the boy pick out some flowers for his grave and he picked three beautiful sunflowers. It felt very fitting since we grew big sunflowers last year. The three were for him, his dad, and me.

As I left the cemetery I felt really warm and peaceful inside. I don't know that I've ever felt Clayton's spirit over the last 4 years, but that night I really felt like he was smiling down on us. I'm in a good place right now. I think that being pregnant again and having this new little life growing inside of me makes all the difference in the world with that. I was told after we had Clayton that the best way to overcome losing a baby like that was to get pregnant and have another baby. I get it now, it really does help heal these wounds to be looking forward to another baby.

As we drove home exhausted from our long, full day we saw a beautiful rainbow covering the Salt Lake Valley. It was a very fitting end of the day and it felt like a little gift...

"And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh." - Genesis 9:14-15

I know this promise is about not flooding the earth again like was done in the times of Noah... but to me it felt like my own little promise. Four years ago a cloud and storm came into my life, and flooded me with so much sorrow and took away my son... but the waters shall no more become a flood and destroy all flesh. He's not going to take away my son again, it's going to be okay. This time, it's going to work out. I felt a lot of peace driving back home, watching the rainbows circling the valley. It was a beautiful ending to a beautiful day filled with reflection and hope.

Livingroom progress...

 I have this belief... call it what you will... the laws of the universe, the secret, whatever.  But I believe that if you take a thought in your head and you say it out loud,  write it down, blog about it, it is no longer a thought or idea but it becomes real. It becomes a tangible thing that you can see, and it can grow and evolve from there. But if it's left as a thought in your head there it will stay.

Which is why I wrote a post about what I wanted to do in my living room to spruce things up. I also wrote a nice long to do list on all the things I hope to get done for this room. We've been here for a year and almost nothing has gotten accomplished in this room. But within the last week things have happened, moved along, and we are well on our way!

First, after three days of looking at fabric at the store for some throw pillows that would match my green/brown rug I decided that I didn't want this rug anymore. I love it, it's a great rug... but it is getting old, and it's stained, and I just wasn't loving how limited it made me in my decorating options. Basically, I couldn't do what I wanted to do and match the rug. So I told my husband what I really wanted was to get rid of it and get a jute rug... I was totally dreaming! But he said, "Sure, lets get a new rug! That's fine!" AHHHH!!! I was so excited!! I've been doing some extra typing work for his job and had some extra money that we could get the rug with... so that's what we did (we got it from IKEA). I can't believe that Trent agreed to let me get a jute rug. You see, he could care less about style and goes more for comfort. I was worried that he would hate it because of the texture.

Turns out the rough texture is like a good foot massage on these pregnant feet. It's perfect!

So with that I had a clean slate to do whatever I wanted with this room! Here is where the whole "laws of the universe" come in. I've been wanting to find a long dresser that I could re-paint and put in the living room to house all of the baby's stuff in. I had been searching Craigslist and KSL for something that would work for a  few weeks. Then one day last week I got an e-mail (from the lady in our ward that sends out the mass e-mails) that said FREE DRESSER. Huh? Someone in my ward was giving away a 9 drawer dresser for free! So I jumped on it, called up the man who had it, and now we have a nice long dresser that I can paint and fix up the way I want it!

It's not exactly the style that I was looking for... but it's free! And I think that once I get it all re-done it will look just fine.

I've been trying to decide if I should go teal or yellow. I love yellow. That's what I'm leaning towards now. But I just don't want there to be too much yellow going on in the room. So maybe teal? Not sure still...

Here are some yellows that I love...

 yellow 1, 2, 3

 

And some teal...

 



 

 

teal 1, 2

 

I think that I'm just going to have to pick one and hope that I like it. And if not, I can always re-do it. I like the teal, but I worry that I just like it because it's trendy now... and I'm not a very trendy person. So we'll see (... and now that I've re-read this post I'm loving the teal! Oh help! Maybe it's just the cute baby in the picture that is swaying me to teal).

 

I did however sew up some cute yellow pillows out of the old yellow curtains that were in our Las Vegas condo... they make me happy!

 



 

 

It feels good to be making some progress! My list is already getting checked off and things are getting accomplished... it feels good!

 



Mother's...

And on that note... Happy Mother's Day! Ha! I felt bad this weekend for putting up a rant about my child just before Mother's Day. But the reality is that sometimes motherhood is hard. It can be really frustrating and stressful at times... but it is also very rewarding and something that I cherish and love so much.

I think that Mother's Day can be hard for lots of people for lots of different reasons. It kind of makes me wonder why we celebrate Mother's/Father's Day at all. I think that every woman at one time or another has a really difficult Mother's Day. Whether it's because you don't have kids and you really want to be a mother, or because your mother is gone and you miss her. Maybe you have lost a child, and miss them on Mother's Day. Or maybe you have small kids and it's a real challenge sometimes to be a mom and feel good about your mothering (umm... hello! Raising my hand here!), maybe you don't have the type of relationship with your mom or kids that you wish you did and that makes it a hard day.

I think another way it can be hard is that I see lots of women who expect their husbands to jump to the moon and back on Mother's Day or else they claim it was a bad Mother's Day. They want breakfast in bed, no responsibility for the day with their kids or house work, they want the dishes done... floors mopped... noses and bums wiped by dad all day long so that they can relax! Not to mention they want chocolates, flowers, or some other gift to symbolize to them that they are loved and appreciated as a mother dangit! And if things fall short... it wasn't a very good day.

So the conclusion that I came to yesterday as another Mother's Day came and went is that I believe that families are important. I think that if you have a Mother or children that you love and care about you should be doing this all year long and not just on Mother's Day. I think that life is short, nobody is in the perfect situation and enjoy what you have at this very moment because things can change so fast. I think that Mother's Day is important because families are important, and mother's are a big part of the family.

I had very low expectations for Mother's Day yesterday. Mostly because my husband was in the middle of his work week and I knew that I would only see him for about 15 minutes yesterday (and that is pretty much how it was!). So I was very pleasantly surprised that he came home from work at 6:30 AM and made me a nice breakfast to wake up to. I got to spend the day with just me and my boy... trying to keep ourselves entertained until we went to church, and then we went and visited the mom's/grandma's in our lives. I was planning on leftovers for dinner because I didn't want to make myself dinner, but my mom invited us over and I had a wonderful dinner made by my dad. It was a great day. One of the best parts of the day was that I got to sit and enjoy lots of little kicks from this baby I am currently nurturing inside of my body, as well as cuddle a sweet boy who would come sit on my lap. I am very, very blessed. I've had some rough Mother's Days in the past and so I tried to really soak in my motherhood yesterday and all it entails.

My greatest wish in life is to be a mother and I am so blessed to be able to do that.

Anyway, I'm rambling on about this... but I wanted to do a little tribute to the mom's in my life. They are so important to me.

First... my mom.

High school graduation picture I think. It has been so nice to be back in Utah and to be able to spend more time with my mom and family again. My mom works really hard for her family. A lot of the things I do as a mom I learned from her. I clean with vinegar water a lot of the time. I learned to sew and cook because of her. I make to do lists a mile long because of her... I learned that raising kids is hard work and she has sacrificed a lot for us. I love my siblings and am grateful that my parents wanted to have a big family and brought all of them into the world, they are some of my best friends. I was able to spend the weekend with my mom. One thing that she likes to do is  have birthday dinners for us kids on our birthdays. Saturday was my little sister Carly's birthday, but my mom was recovering from a surgery and worried that she wouldn't be up to making Carly's favorite foods for her birthday. So I tried to step in and help out, and made my mom's fried chicken and homemade gravy (which was my grandma's recipe) as Carly requested. I was nervous... I've never been successful at making homemade gravy EVER before. But it turned out great! My mom felt well enough to come and help me with the gravy part and it was nice to stand at her stove, in her kitchen, wearing her apron, with my mom... making gravy. It sounds so simple, but it is memories like this that I will cherish. Thank you for all that you do mom! We love you!

Next is my husband's mom Linda...

I've never met this woman who raised my husband. She passed away after we had been on 3 dates from lung cancer. But over the last 11 1/2 years that I have been around her family I feel as though I have a good idea of who she was and is. She raised an amazing son... and amazing kids! Her 11 living kids are some of the best people I have ever met in my life and I am so glad to be part of their family. My husband's love of gardening comes from her. She would grow big gardens and plant beautiful flowers around her home. I can tell she was a selfless woman, partly because she had 12 children. How can you have 12 kids and not be selfless? I watch her kids, especially her daughters work hard to help each other. They go do fun things together, they make yummy food, they try hard to include everyone. They are very selfless and if someone needs help with something, they jump and don't ever look back or complain. They are great examples to me of the person that I hope to become and I think it's because this is how their mom raised them to be. They all miss her... I know they do. But they have carried on with their lives since she left in a beautiful way. I look forward to meeting this wonderful woman someday.

Next is my husband's step mom Karen...

I had never seen an old picture of Karen until last night, when I asked her to dig one out for me! I love her short, ratted bob! How stylish! Karen has been in our family for the past 9 years (I think) when she married Trent's dad. We moved away shortly after they got married and I didn't really get a chance to know her too well. That was until she did something for us that I never expected anyone to ever do. She let us move into her basement for 6 months while we tried to get settled back into Utah. She and my father in law wanted us to move in! She insisted on paying for all the food, and would take us out or treat us to whatever when my husband was out of work. She didn't complain about my wild little boy running all over her house and spoiled him rotten. She showed me that she cared about us and wanted to do whatever she could to help us get back on our feet and start our lives up here so that we could be close to family again. I am so so so grateful to Karen for this. She is a good grandma to all these little step grandkids she has. She puts on amazing Easter egg hunts each year and buys Christmas presents for the kids that out shine Santa's! She takes good care of Trent's dad which I think is so important. They make each other happy. I love Karen and am grateful to have her in our lives. She loves playing games so we try to make it out there whenever we can to have game nights with her. I've missed not living with her for the past year (believe it or not) and have learned a lot from her example.

Being a mother is hard work, and I'm grateful for the women in my life and husband's life who have sacrificed to help raise us teach us how to care for others.

This boy...

This boy tried my patience to the umpteenth degree today...

He went through three pairs of pants. Two because they were completely caked with mud, and one because he decided to draw the number 9 on them with a Sharpe marker (his best pair none the less).

Even though my fuse was increasingly short by the end of the day, I decided to go to the store to pick up a few items for tomorrow. My boy decided he needed to touch every.single.thing in the store.

"Don't touch that! Keep your hands on the cart... Dude knock it OFF!!!"

Someday I wonder if I will ever get my kid to listen to me. I try to explain to him why he needs to keep up with me and not touch everything, but my words fell on deaf ears.

Then his curiosity got the best of him when he lifted a 25 lb kettle bell off the shelf and dropped it right on his big toe.

Ouch...

I do feel bad for the kid. I don't know if his toe is broken, but his purple toe nail does not look very good. The rest of the night was spent with his wailing and crying over his toe.

But I don't feel very bad for him. The "I told you so..." in me hopes that he learned his lesson, but I don't know.

I feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad that my kid wont listen to me. I feel bad that I am so impatient and have a hard time being a mom sometimes. I feel bad that I get worked up over muddy pants and Sharpe markers. I feel bad that I yell. I'm a yeller, and I feel bad every time. I worry that I wont be able to handle two wild and crazy little boys...

Ahhhh... motherhood. It is trying at times isn't it? I think that tomorrow instead of saying, "No... Don't... knock it off!" I'm going to try to spend some time cuddling, and loving and giving attention to my boy.

And cross my fingers and hope for the best... cause 5 years into this I still don't know what I'm doing most of the time.

{not} gardening...

 I've been feeling completely unmotivated to garden so far this year. Last year we had our garden totally in by now... but this year, I'm dragging my feet. I know, we are only 8 days into May... but it's been such a cold and unpredictable spring I just don't trust nature to not freeze my plants if I plant them yet!

There are a couple of really pretty lilac bushes and a snowball tree here that were so beautiful last year. But we had a cold snap a few weeks ago and most of the bushes have just looked like this.

Frozen and dead. I figured we wouldn't have any of those pretty flowers this year. Then yesterday I looked around long enough to see there were some survivors that have come shining though!

Maybe not all hope for growing is lost?

We talked over the weekend about when to get the seeds in the ground for our garden, and then we woke up on Sunday morning after a huge windstorm to this...

Trent really wants to plant beans this year that we can bottle. Mostly just green beans but he also wants to do pickled beans. He has been helping his friend out on a construction job on his days off and brought all of these boards home to make a bean house for all of the beans he wants to grow. I hated it at first... a 7 foot high bean house was not what I was envisioning. But after spending a good week staining the wood to have that nice dark/weathered look and tying all of the strings up for the beans to grow on... it really wasn't so bad.

But now the bean house is strewn all over the back yard and totally ruined. That was were the motivation flew out the window for me. I'm leaving it up to Trent to figure out what he wants to do with his beans. I'm not sure a 7 foot tall bean structure is going to hold up in the part of the state where the winds howl like I've never seen before. Granted... he didn't stake it down as well as it should have been, but I don't want to lose all of the beans if we get another good wind storm (which I'm sure we will).

I am glad that we planted one bed early on and it is starting to grow well! So we will have something! And if I can get my wits about me to plant the rest of it... I'm sure that I wont regret it and I will be glad that we planted another good garden.

Maybe the planting can just wait a few more weeks? I don't know. I think part of my lack of motivation is preparing for the baby. Will I really have the time or desire to harvest the food that we plant in the fall when I have a snuggly newborn that I want to be with instead? Or will I welcome the break and something to do other than change diapers and nurse again?  Not sure...

In the meantime, I'm spending good time outside when I can. Instead of working on these bare garden beds I've decided to pull out all of the dandilions out of the grass. It's a large yard... with lots of dandilions this year. I realize it's a battle I probably can't win, but it's pretty rewarding to get these little buggers out of the grass.

Pioneer House - The livingroom...

 Tomorrow marks one year since we moved into this little ole' pioneer house. It's been a good year! We love it here. It's tiny, but it's good for us. It's taken us a full year to get our furniture where we like it and settle in a little. I'm pretty slow at this stuff. I love crafting and making things, but when it comes to decorating, I'm super indecisive as to what I like to do.

One thing I have a hard time with is color. I don't like a lot of color, which can make for a boring space, that's for sure. One thing I know that I do love is wood + white together. I have a whole pinterest board dedicated to my love of wood and white.... but as a result I have a whole lot of brown and white in the living room and not a lot of color. So I think that I need to add some color in here! I want to get my living room all put together before the baby comes, so the nesting has started! But just for fun, here is what our main living space looks like right now.

I love this rug that I bought a few years ago. But I feel like it sort of limits my color choices to green. I've tried putting some yellow pillows on the couch but it just looks wrong with the green on the rug. So I don't know... but I really need some colorful pillows on the couch.

Like I said, lots of brown... and lots of white.

One thing that drives me crazy is the red/blue/green flannel blanket that we have under the coffee table. It clashes with everything! It drives me nuts when the blanket is spread out on the couch and doesn't match anything in the room. So on the short list is to make a comfy quilt that matches this room. I'm thinking I want to do a herringbone quilt (like on the bottom of this picture)... I think it would be awesome!

And then there is this poor boring corner. I really need something on the wall there above the computer and printer. I have an idea in my head of a cool new family tree that I want to make, so maybe I will get that going and put that on the wall there. Also, I re-did this desk a while ago and painted it... brown and white! You guessed it! There are yellow knobs on there but it is so subtle... I think I need to re-paint to bring some good color into the room. Any suggestions?

I have a big open wall here. I think I'm going to find a long dresser to put here and refinish. This is going to be where I keep the babies stuff. You have to be creative when you live in a small space!

Here is my attempt at a gallery wall! It needs a little help! I'm going to trade out some of the black frames for white ones and most of the black and white pictures are going to be replaced with new colored ones, and add a few new things to the wall. Also, this two drawer night stand is going to be moved into our room. We don't use it in here and it's too big for the space. I'm on the hunt for a tree round that I can make into a little side table for this space. I'm thinking something like this. Ahhhh... wouldn't that just be amazing!

So there is a little sneak peek into our living area! It needs some help... but I've got a list made and I've started working on some projects to make it a little more bright and lively.

Here are some color combo's that I like that I'm going to try and work with...

+

 



+

 

 

Any ideas on what colors would look good in here? Hopefully I can get it pulled together soon!

Coming full circle...

Last Friday I woke up bright and early when my husband came in from work. The boy was already awake and I laid in bed and listened to them make crepes together in the kitchen. I listened to them go back and forth, talking about nightly dreams and plans for the day. Then pretty soon, little brother joined in on the early morning fun. I didn't get up and join them, but rather stayed in bed and felt his little kicks inside of my body. I thought about how this day marked 21 weeks into my pregnancy. We had come full circle...

The last time I felt a baby kick inside of me I was on my way to the hospital to have Clayton... 21 weeks pregnant. "He's still kicking honey..." I said with tears streaming down my face. While I was still hoping for the best, I knew deep down that this boy would be born sometime that day and that he would die. And there he was... innocent, still so tiny and kicking around in his rapidly draining pool of water that was no longer able to hold him. That was my last experience with baby kicks. That memory has haunted me for the past four years.

Would I ever be able to see my belly swell with a baby inside of it again? Would I ever feel a baby kicking around inside of me? Would I ever be able to experience the wonders of pregnancy again? I didn't know. That was one of my biggest concerns when I thought I might have cancer 3 short months after feeling those last baby kicks. Would I ever be able to have a baby again? I did not know that answer. But I did know that my one biggest wish was that someday I would be able to come full circle. That someday I would carry a baby again, and feel a baby kick around inside of me. That I would make it to 21 weeks again and beyond. That I would be able to give birth, and breast feed, and cuddle a baby into my neck and smell that sweet baby smell around my house again. Is it too much to ask for? Yes... surely it was! There were many times I felt completely unworthy to even desire this. I needed to just be thankful for my husband, and my son, and that I survived cancer when so many people don't even get that opportunity. But to have all of that and still want a baby? Was I being way too selfish and asking way too much? Did I even deserve that?

I've gone back and forth depending on where I was in my life at the moment on these thoughts. But I have never been able to shake this desire to be where I am exactly right now. Pregnant... and thriving. And making plans to bring a precious baby home.

I've been very nervous and anxious the last few weeks coming up to this point. I have a problem that I call the "impending doom" syndrome. I feel like I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to spring up on me or come beating down my door. I feel like I can't get too comfortable being happy because it's not going to last, something bad is going to happen. Good things that I want don't happen to me, they happen to everyone else. It's a really horrible way to live. But I think this is my coping mechanism. It's to help save my soul from more heartache, more set backs, more devastation... if I don't get my hopes up on things then I can't be too disappointed when they don't happen. That is how I've felt through this pregnancy, scared to get too excited because surely this isn't happening to me. Surely this isn't going to work out the way I want it to right? How awful, to feel this way.

I've been trying really hard to let go of this. Because the truth is... God has blessed me with the deepest desire of my heart. He has given me the most amazing gift I could ever ask for. He is sending me another one of his precious spirits to be a mother to. Whether I feel I deserve it or not... he has blessed me with this. And I am so truly grateful. I am humbled and honored to be where I am right now.

As I woke up last week the worries and fears I've carried around for the past four years faded away and I basked in the moment of enjoying the baby kicks again. We made it. Somehow... we made it. Somehow I made it. A sadness that I have carried so deeply for so long has been made very light this last week, as I've finally found myself planning for this new life and getting ready and excited for this new boy to come into our lives.

 22 weeks feels very, very good...

How many pills does it take to make a baby?

I've had quite a few people ask me about the diet that I followed to try and get pregnant. I really believe that eating a low glycemic diet helped us to make this happen. I felt the results of it within the first week and saw some dramatic changes in my mood, monthly cycle, and energy levels in the three months that I ate completely that way. But that is not all we did to try and conceive. We sort of tried a whole bunch of things at once, so I am not exactly sure what it was that made this happen for us, or if it was a mixture of all of it. All I know is that for me, it worked, and it worked fast once we got our ducks in a row.

I want to share what we did to try and make a baby for a few reasons. One is so that in the future when we try to get pregnant again I can remember what we did. Also, in case this information can help anyone out there that is trying to have a baby and suffering from infertility. I know that the title of this post is ridiculous. I'm sure that many of who read that though, "Ummm... I don't have to take any pills to make a baby!" While there are others of you who though, "It doesn't matter how many pills I take, I'm still not going to be able to make a baby." We are all different, our bodies are different. Our plans for our family are different and our trials and successes in life are different. There is no one way to do things, and sometimes things work and sometimes they don't.

*** This is a really long, detailed post with lots of links, etc. Please don't feel like you have to read the whole thing if you are not interested ;). 

For me... I have PCOS. I feel it was key for me to meet up with a health professional that understood that. I also think that there are different stages of PCOS. For some I think it might be more mild than for others, and I do think that my case is probably more mild than others because I have gotten pregnant five times before. One of my young women leaders growing up has PCOS and was not able to conceive any children, and has adopted 4 adorable kids, and that is how they grew their family. But I also know that so many times we hear people go get help for infertility and they say, "I was told that I have unexplained infertility... they can't tell what's wrong with me... we've tried everything... my only option is IVF." That is why it took me so long to go in and get checked out. I'm sharing this because I am grateful and happy to be a success story, the things we tried did work. And I hope that in whatever stage of baby making you are in that you are able to find the miracle that works for you. 

So here is my fertility story and what we did to make a baby...

First off, I did try to do natural methods to conceive before going to a doctors office for help. I knew that my hormones were off and I tried to take an herb called Vitex to regulate my cycles. This did help me regulate my cycles for the most part, but I wasn't getting pregnant taking this. I've also tried Fertility Blend which is a combination of different herbs and vitamins (this also has vitex in it) to boost fertility. I was taking this when I got pregnant with my first son, but didn't take it this time around... instead I just tried the Vitex.

I decided to go and see a doctor to get some help after we had been trying for 14 months with no luck. I met with a nurse practitioner and told her that I had been told in the past that I had PCOS and thought that could be why I wasn't getting pregnant. She did a quick ultrasound of my ovaries and said that everything looked great and she didn't think that I had PCOS. She sent me out the door with a prescription for Clomid and told me to come back in on the 12th day of my next cycle for a follicle check. She also did a blood test called a FSH test to see if my ovaries were functioning normally after going through chemo, and they were.

This is where I feel the stars aligned for me and I was able to meet with someone who could truly help me. The day I needed to have my follicle check done this nurse practitioner was on vacation, and I met with the nurse midwife they had at the center instead. I knew immediately that she was going to be able to help me. She instantly recognized the signs of PCOS on my ovaries from the "pearl necklace" affect that was there. That is where there are cysts that surround the ovary resembling a string of pearls. I also had many of the symptoms such as acne, weight gain, irregular cycles. I felt a great connection to this woman and I knew that she would do what she could to try and help us, and she was very confident that she could.

That's when things got a little crazy and I found out a week later that I had an ectopic pregnancy with my right ovary blowing up to the size of a grapefruit. We took a break and I got back on birth control pills for 2 months so that my ovary could heal and shrink back down to normal. Then the game was on and we got to work...

1. When my ovary looked OK again she first had me start taking Metformin which is a medication for people with type II diabetes. They have linked PCOS to problems with insulin resistance and have found that they have better conception rates for women with PCOS when they take Metformin. I started taking this twice a day and am still taking it. I plan on taking it until just before I deliver the baby because it reduces the risk of gestational diabetes, reduces the risk of miscarriage in women, and will hopefully help me to not have a huge baby since my first one was over 9 lbs (another sign of a PCOS mom). The side affects were bad for the first few weeks (digestion problems...) but my body is used to it now. I completely attribute not having gained as much weight this time around to taking Metformin.

2. This is when I also started eating a low glycemic diet. Basically no sugar, no white bread, no wheat bread, no rice. I could eat oatmeal, corn meal, and spelt flour for my carbs. Within one month of taking Metformin and eating this diet I had a completely normal 28 day cycle for the first time I can even remember. I do believe that these two things were able to stabilize my hormone problems so that I could ovulate and conceive.

3. During this month of hormone stabilization as she called it, I had a test done called a Hysterosalpingogram or HSG test. Basically they put a catheter up inside of your uterus and shoot some saline up there and look at your uterus and fallopian tubes under an ultrasound to see if there are any blockages to your tubes or scar tissue in your uterus that would prevent a pregnancy. It was a quick, in office procedure... that hurt like HELL!!! I didn't realize that it was going to be so painful. The doctor who performed the test told me just before it happened that it would be quite painful... but just for a minute. Whatever. I was in pain for days. I am not a screamer so to speak and I screamed right there in the office. It was right up there with a bone marrow biopsy on the pain scale. I just wish that I had talked to someone who had done this before so that I would have been a little more prepared for that. I was fully expecting to have some tube blockages or damage to my uterus from the different D&C's and C-section I've had done, but everything looked great! There was no sign of anything abnormal. They say that you are more fertile after having this procedure done because it cleans out your reproductive system and clears out your tubes.

4. When my cycle started after the HSG was done I took a fertility drug called Femara. Because of what happened when I took Clomid (which is the normal, go to fertility drug), I am no longer able to take Clomid or any injectable fertility drugs. The chances of having hyperstimulation syndrome again are so high I would most likely cause great damage to my ovaries to the point that I could lose them. Femara was really my only option at this point. Femara is actually a drug that they use to treat breast cancer in patients who are past menopause. My midwife assured me that it works completely differently than Clomid and I would not have the same problems that I did with that. She also said that this drug works really well with women who have PCOS. I took it for 5 days to stimulate ovulation and went in on day 12 for another follicle check to see if I would be ovulating. I did not have any strange side affects from taking this drug. I know people talk about how crazy and emotional fertility drugs make them... that was not the case for me. I felt completely normal.

***A little side story here. This is a shot of my one perfect little follicle that was seen at that appointment. My midwife said she really felt like this was going to work and that I would be getting pregnant this round. I told her that I couldn't go there, I couldn't get my hopes up for this yet. I've had so many big disappointments in life, I just couldn't go there and get crushed if it didn't happen. But when she left the room to write out a prescription I snapped a little picture of this perfect follicle with my phone. I guess this was my little way of showing an inkling of hope. So this picture is half of the baby that is growing inside of me, before it met up with my husbands half...

5. On day 19 of this cycle I started to take Progesterone and a baby aspirin every day. The progesterone is said that help your uterus in the lutal phase of pregnancy when the egg is implanting. It is explained pretty well here. I don't know that I have a lutal phase defect and if that is why I've had miscarriages or any other fertility problems, but my midwife was insistent that I take it. Once I found out I was pregnant we upped my dose to twice a day until I was 14 weeks pregnant. This drug made me really dizzy, tired, loopy. It was awful! But if it helped me to maintain this pregnancy then it was worth it. I also took a baby aspirin everyday and will continue to take this throughout the pregnancy. Studies have made a connection to lower miscarriage rates when women take a low dose of aspirin everyday. Also, I felt like this was a bit of a shot in the dark and we don't know if I really need this... but are doing it anyway just in case.

6. Have sex with your husband. Really? I still had to do that even with all of this? Ha!!! I have to say that was stressful. Having all of this going on really does put the pressure in the love making department. I'm grateful to have such a supportive partner who stood by my side through this crazy ride... and that even though I was sure we missed our window of opportunity because of his crazy work schedule we somehow made it happen. I think that doing fertility treatments kills the romance in baby making... enough said about that.

I started step one of this the end of October and had a positive pregnancy test on December 24th, so we got pregnant the first month that we tried all of this. Like I said, we did a lot of things all at once so I'm not sure which part of this is what really worked or if it was a combination of everything. Also, three of these drugs (Metformin, progesterone, and baby aspirin) are said to prevent miscarriage which is why I am still taking these or took them for a while.

I'm still a very firm believer that God sends his children down when it's their time to come. I wrote a post a long time ago about this and I still believe strongly that we are in very little control in all of this. With that being said, I also believe that there is knowledge and technology on earth today that is to help us. The way that everything worked out for me, meeting up with my midwife the way that I did, having to take a break for my hormones to get in order, miraculously getting a prescription for Femara by the doctor who had done my HSG before Thanksgiving weekend which turned out to be the exact time that I needed to take it and the office was closed for 4 days... yes I do believe this whole process what orchestrated in a way that was beyond my control, and exactly what I needed. All of this was done with lots and lots of prayer. I put off seeking help for a long time because I felt like when God was ready to send a baby to our family then he would! But I've come to realize that sometimes God has us go through different experiences to teach us things, to show us his grace and truly put our trust in him, and for us to go through different experiences. I don't think that by getting help with physical limitations we are "playing God". I think we are taping into the resources that God has given to us in this day and age, and am so grateful for that.

I hope that if you are struggling with infertility that this can give you some hope to keep searching for your own private miracle. Keep seeking to build your family, because family is important. Be open to whatever road your journey takes you whether it be fertility treatments, adoption, surrogacy... it is a different journey for each of us, and I truly hope that you can find the answers that you search for.

Yellow daffodils...

 In those many months that I was trying to get pregnant I thought a lot about how I would tell our boy the news when the time came. I wanted to make it really special, since he had been waiting for so long to have a little sibling. I saw the most adorable house bag and little doll family here that I was pretty set on making. Even though he is a boy... and boys don't really play with dolls, I was set on making our little doll family complete with a house bag to break the news to him about our new addition.

Well, the time came and I made a bag that looks like this little pioneer house we live in. But that's as far as I got. During the first 14 weeks of pregnancy I was taking progesterone pills to help reduce the risk of miscarriage and support the pregnancy and they made me super sick. It was awful. Every time I took them I would have to go lay down and they would make my head spin for hours. It was not good. The longer I took them, the worse it got... so I never got around to making our little family of dolls. But in the end being able to keep this baby cooking is way more important than feeling up to sewing dolls right?

And now I have a bag that looks like this house that I have NO CLUE what to do with it!!!

Sorry, it's a bit wrinkled because it's been sitting in my sewing cabinet, and there it is likely to sit. When I made it I sewed a little flower bed of yellow flowers in the front. Now... I had never seen yellow flowers in front of this house before. When we moved here there were red tulips in the bed and when they were done that was it. But I LOVE yellow flowers! They are so bright and beautiful! So I put yellow flowers in there just because I like them. This doesn't look exactly like the house, but it's pretty close, with some of my favorite features.

The back has a garden with the walnut tree that I love so much. I even put our little squirrel friend that lives in the tree on it.

This squirrel doesn't like us very much. Things got a little heated in the fall when Trent was harvesting the walnuts that had fallen on the ground and the squirrel did not like us touching his walnuts! But I guess he was still able to gather enough because he's still back there, and made it through the long hard winter that we had... and he doesn't yell at us so much anymore.

Anyway, the point of this whole story is that I was a little shocked and so happy to see a bed full of yellow daffodils pop up last month!!! They were so beautiful! We even had some red and yellow tulips come up in the last few days! So my little sewn flower garden turned out to be right on!

I'm a little sad to say that in the last day we've had a really bad wind storm up here, and all the flowers are gone now. They didn't make it through the 70+ mph winds. But they were gorgeous while they lasted! Till next spring little yellow flowers...

Three years...

Yesterday was three years since I took my last dose of chemo. I can't believe that it's been that long, but also it feels like it's been a lot longer. I'm very happy with my life right now...

... We are living in a great place, surrounded by trees and flowers, and great neighbors. There are lots of great trails around that we like to take walks on. It's pretty great.
... I have two amazing boys that I get to spend my days with, and one little guy on the way. A dream I didn't know would be possible after this whole cancer ordeal.
... I'm back around my family and my in laws and it's been great to spend more time with them and have our boy play with his cousins again.
... I'm planting my garden for a second year in a row. Something that I had always wanted to do but never really got the chance before last year.
... I've been able to spend time with some of my best friends from forever ago, and am making new friends in our little town here.

Life has moved on from cancer and it's been nice to make new memories and move farther away from this. It's still there, it's a part of who I've become, but I no longer feel like people need to know that I had cancer. If it comes up, it comes up, but it's not a defining part of me.

Life is good. It's not perfect. There are a few things going on in my life right now that make me really sad and have been hard for me to deal with, but that is life sometimes. I'm learning that there are lots of things that are not in my control that I can't fix. One would think I would have learned that already going through cancer in my twenties... but apparently not ;). I just need to focus on being good and loving to others and be grateful for what I have.

Sorry about the horrible editing of this picture... I have no clue what I'm doing. It got bad and I couldn't get it back...

As far as cancer stuff goes... I'm now more than halfway through my remission. I go and see my oncologist every 6 months for blood tests and a physical exam. I'm done for now with CT scans and am suppose to have a chest x-ray this next week. However, with little brother cooking away in there I wont be doing an x-ray until after the baby is born. I check myself periodically for lumps and bump in my neck, armpit, area to see if I find anything... but nothing has come up! I'm super grateful that things are going well with this!

Lets talk about the hair for a minute shall we? I have not cut my hair since I took a picture last year. I think I've trimmed my bangs twice but now I'm letting them grow out too. I desperately need my hair trimmed, but just have been avoiding it. I'm super partial to my hair now and I love that it is getting long again! It's been fun curling it up. I wish the curl would last more than a day but my hair is so fine and blonde, it just doesn't hold curl for more than a day. I use this method to curl my hair and it works great! I've been trying to be better to my hair and have gone from washing it everyday to every other day. The days I don't wash, I curl. I think I want to grow it another 6 inches or so, I've never had hair that long! It's been fun to have my hair long again and it's hard for me to even remember being bald. Don't get me wrong, I remember it, but it just feels like that was so long ago.

So... it's super awkward to take pictures of yourself. I always end up taking a bazillion pictures and hate most of them ;). I just feel super big right now, and I look at pics of me and think, "is that really what I look like?" I finally figured out if I put my arms the way they are above that you can't see my chunky arms... true story. So it's a trick! Ha! Probably didn't fool anyone though! It's for a good cause right? I will hopefully slim back down when I'm breast feeding in 5 short months. That's the best weight loss tool I've ever found for myself, and I'm hoping it works again!

Anyway... here are some of the out-takes of our little photo shoot yesterday...
 

He really is such a cute helper.

Mid-self timer make out session over here (not instigated by me... and yes I still kiss my five year old on the lips).

 

He felt like Michelangelo needed some pictures after we were done, and I was eating my lunch. Fun times!