Mother's...

And on that note... Happy Mother's Day! Ha! I felt bad this weekend for putting up a rant about my child just before Mother's Day. But the reality is that sometimes motherhood is hard. It can be really frustrating and stressful at times... but it is also very rewarding and something that I cherish and love so much.

I think that Mother's Day can be hard for lots of people for lots of different reasons. It kind of makes me wonder why we celebrate Mother's/Father's Day at all. I think that every woman at one time or another has a really difficult Mother's Day. Whether it's because you don't have kids and you really want to be a mother, or because your mother is gone and you miss her. Maybe you have lost a child, and miss them on Mother's Day. Or maybe you have small kids and it's a real challenge sometimes to be a mom and feel good about your mothering (umm... hello! Raising my hand here!), maybe you don't have the type of relationship with your mom or kids that you wish you did and that makes it a hard day.

I think another way it can be hard is that I see lots of women who expect their husbands to jump to the moon and back on Mother's Day or else they claim it was a bad Mother's Day. They want breakfast in bed, no responsibility for the day with their kids or house work, they want the dishes done... floors mopped... noses and bums wiped by dad all day long so that they can relax! Not to mention they want chocolates, flowers, or some other gift to symbolize to them that they are loved and appreciated as a mother dangit! And if things fall short... it wasn't a very good day.

So the conclusion that I came to yesterday as another Mother's Day came and went is that I believe that families are important. I think that if you have a Mother or children that you love and care about you should be doing this all year long and not just on Mother's Day. I think that life is short, nobody is in the perfect situation and enjoy what you have at this very moment because things can change so fast. I think that Mother's Day is important because families are important, and mother's are a big part of the family.

I had very low expectations for Mother's Day yesterday. Mostly because my husband was in the middle of his work week and I knew that I would only see him for about 15 minutes yesterday (and that is pretty much how it was!). So I was very pleasantly surprised that he came home from work at 6:30 AM and made me a nice breakfast to wake up to. I got to spend the day with just me and my boy... trying to keep ourselves entertained until we went to church, and then we went and visited the mom's/grandma's in our lives. I was planning on leftovers for dinner because I didn't want to make myself dinner, but my mom invited us over and I had a wonderful dinner made by my dad. It was a great day. One of the best parts of the day was that I got to sit and enjoy lots of little kicks from this baby I am currently nurturing inside of my body, as well as cuddle a sweet boy who would come sit on my lap. I am very, very blessed. I've had some rough Mother's Days in the past and so I tried to really soak in my motherhood yesterday and all it entails.

My greatest wish in life is to be a mother and I am so blessed to be able to do that.

Anyway, I'm rambling on about this... but I wanted to do a little tribute to the mom's in my life. They are so important to me.

First... my mom.

High school graduation picture I think. It has been so nice to be back in Utah and to be able to spend more time with my mom and family again. My mom works really hard for her family. A lot of the things I do as a mom I learned from her. I clean with vinegar water a lot of the time. I learned to sew and cook because of her. I make to do lists a mile long because of her... I learned that raising kids is hard work and she has sacrificed a lot for us. I love my siblings and am grateful that my parents wanted to have a big family and brought all of them into the world, they are some of my best friends. I was able to spend the weekend with my mom. One thing that she likes to do is  have birthday dinners for us kids on our birthdays. Saturday was my little sister Carly's birthday, but my mom was recovering from a surgery and worried that she wouldn't be up to making Carly's favorite foods for her birthday. So I tried to step in and help out, and made my mom's fried chicken and homemade gravy (which was my grandma's recipe) as Carly requested. I was nervous... I've never been successful at making homemade gravy EVER before. But it turned out great! My mom felt well enough to come and help me with the gravy part and it was nice to stand at her stove, in her kitchen, wearing her apron, with my mom... making gravy. It sounds so simple, but it is memories like this that I will cherish. Thank you for all that you do mom! We love you!

Next is my husband's mom Linda...

I've never met this woman who raised my husband. She passed away after we had been on 3 dates from lung cancer. But over the last 11 1/2 years that I have been around her family I feel as though I have a good idea of who she was and is. She raised an amazing son... and amazing kids! Her 11 living kids are some of the best people I have ever met in my life and I am so glad to be part of their family. My husband's love of gardening comes from her. She would grow big gardens and plant beautiful flowers around her home. I can tell she was a selfless woman, partly because she had 12 children. How can you have 12 kids and not be selfless? I watch her kids, especially her daughters work hard to help each other. They go do fun things together, they make yummy food, they try hard to include everyone. They are very selfless and if someone needs help with something, they jump and don't ever look back or complain. They are great examples to me of the person that I hope to become and I think it's because this is how their mom raised them to be. They all miss her... I know they do. But they have carried on with their lives since she left in a beautiful way. I look forward to meeting this wonderful woman someday.

Next is my husband's step mom Karen...

I had never seen an old picture of Karen until last night, when I asked her to dig one out for me! I love her short, ratted bob! How stylish! Karen has been in our family for the past 9 years (I think) when she married Trent's dad. We moved away shortly after they got married and I didn't really get a chance to know her too well. That was until she did something for us that I never expected anyone to ever do. She let us move into her basement for 6 months while we tried to get settled back into Utah. She and my father in law wanted us to move in! She insisted on paying for all the food, and would take us out or treat us to whatever when my husband was out of work. She didn't complain about my wild little boy running all over her house and spoiled him rotten. She showed me that she cared about us and wanted to do whatever she could to help us get back on our feet and start our lives up here so that we could be close to family again. I am so so so grateful to Karen for this. She is a good grandma to all these little step grandkids she has. She puts on amazing Easter egg hunts each year and buys Christmas presents for the kids that out shine Santa's! She takes good care of Trent's dad which I think is so important. They make each other happy. I love Karen and am grateful to have her in our lives. She loves playing games so we try to make it out there whenever we can to have game nights with her. I've missed not living with her for the past year (believe it or not) and have learned a lot from her example.

Being a mother is hard work, and I'm grateful for the women in my life and husband's life who have sacrificed to help raise us teach us how to care for others.

This boy...

This boy tried my patience to the umpteenth degree today...

He went through three pairs of pants. Two because they were completely caked with mud, and one because he decided to draw the number 9 on them with a Sharpe marker (his best pair none the less).

Even though my fuse was increasingly short by the end of the day, I decided to go to the store to pick up a few items for tomorrow. My boy decided he needed to touch every.single.thing in the store.

"Don't touch that! Keep your hands on the cart... Dude knock it OFF!!!"

Someday I wonder if I will ever get my kid to listen to me. I try to explain to him why he needs to keep up with me and not touch everything, but my words fell on deaf ears.

Then his curiosity got the best of him when he lifted a 25 lb kettle bell off the shelf and dropped it right on his big toe.

Ouch...

I do feel bad for the kid. I don't know if his toe is broken, but his purple toe nail does not look very good. The rest of the night was spent with his wailing and crying over his toe.

But I don't feel very bad for him. The "I told you so..." in me hopes that he learned his lesson, but I don't know.

I feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad that my kid wont listen to me. I feel bad that I am so impatient and have a hard time being a mom sometimes. I feel bad that I get worked up over muddy pants and Sharpe markers. I feel bad that I yell. I'm a yeller, and I feel bad every time. I worry that I wont be able to handle two wild and crazy little boys...

Ahhhh... motherhood. It is trying at times isn't it? I think that tomorrow instead of saying, "No... Don't... knock it off!" I'm going to try to spend some time cuddling, and loving and giving attention to my boy.

And cross my fingers and hope for the best... cause 5 years into this I still don't know what I'm doing most of the time.

{not} gardening...

 I've been feeling completely unmotivated to garden so far this year. Last year we had our garden totally in by now... but this year, I'm dragging my feet. I know, we are only 8 days into May... but it's been such a cold and unpredictable spring I just don't trust nature to not freeze my plants if I plant them yet!

There are a couple of really pretty lilac bushes and a snowball tree here that were so beautiful last year. But we had a cold snap a few weeks ago and most of the bushes have just looked like this.

Frozen and dead. I figured we wouldn't have any of those pretty flowers this year. Then yesterday I looked around long enough to see there were some survivors that have come shining though!

Maybe not all hope for growing is lost?

We talked over the weekend about when to get the seeds in the ground for our garden, and then we woke up on Sunday morning after a huge windstorm to this...

Trent really wants to plant beans this year that we can bottle. Mostly just green beans but he also wants to do pickled beans. He has been helping his friend out on a construction job on his days off and brought all of these boards home to make a bean house for all of the beans he wants to grow. I hated it at first... a 7 foot high bean house was not what I was envisioning. But after spending a good week staining the wood to have that nice dark/weathered look and tying all of the strings up for the beans to grow on... it really wasn't so bad.

But now the bean house is strewn all over the back yard and totally ruined. That was were the motivation flew out the window for me. I'm leaving it up to Trent to figure out what he wants to do with his beans. I'm not sure a 7 foot tall bean structure is going to hold up in the part of the state where the winds howl like I've never seen before. Granted... he didn't stake it down as well as it should have been, but I don't want to lose all of the beans if we get another good wind storm (which I'm sure we will).

I am glad that we planted one bed early on and it is starting to grow well! So we will have something! And if I can get my wits about me to plant the rest of it... I'm sure that I wont regret it and I will be glad that we planted another good garden.

Maybe the planting can just wait a few more weeks? I don't know. I think part of my lack of motivation is preparing for the baby. Will I really have the time or desire to harvest the food that we plant in the fall when I have a snuggly newborn that I want to be with instead? Or will I welcome the break and something to do other than change diapers and nurse again?  Not sure...

In the meantime, I'm spending good time outside when I can. Instead of working on these bare garden beds I've decided to pull out all of the dandilions out of the grass. It's a large yard... with lots of dandilions this year. I realize it's a battle I probably can't win, but it's pretty rewarding to get these little buggers out of the grass.

Pioneer House - The livingroom...

 Tomorrow marks one year since we moved into this little ole' pioneer house. It's been a good year! We love it here. It's tiny, but it's good for us. It's taken us a full year to get our furniture where we like it and settle in a little. I'm pretty slow at this stuff. I love crafting and making things, but when it comes to decorating, I'm super indecisive as to what I like to do.

One thing I have a hard time with is color. I don't like a lot of color, which can make for a boring space, that's for sure. One thing I know that I do love is wood + white together. I have a whole pinterest board dedicated to my love of wood and white.... but as a result I have a whole lot of brown and white in the living room and not a lot of color. So I think that I need to add some color in here! I want to get my living room all put together before the baby comes, so the nesting has started! But just for fun, here is what our main living space looks like right now.

I love this rug that I bought a few years ago. But I feel like it sort of limits my color choices to green. I've tried putting some yellow pillows on the couch but it just looks wrong with the green on the rug. So I don't know... but I really need some colorful pillows on the couch.

Like I said, lots of brown... and lots of white.

One thing that drives me crazy is the red/blue/green flannel blanket that we have under the coffee table. It clashes with everything! It drives me nuts when the blanket is spread out on the couch and doesn't match anything in the room. So on the short list is to make a comfy quilt that matches this room. I'm thinking I want to do a herringbone quilt (like on the bottom of this picture)... I think it would be awesome!

And then there is this poor boring corner. I really need something on the wall there above the computer and printer. I have an idea in my head of a cool new family tree that I want to make, so maybe I will get that going and put that on the wall there. Also, I re-did this desk a while ago and painted it... brown and white! You guessed it! There are yellow knobs on there but it is so subtle... I think I need to re-paint to bring some good color into the room. Any suggestions?

I have a big open wall here. I think I'm going to find a long dresser to put here and refinish. This is going to be where I keep the babies stuff. You have to be creative when you live in a small space!

Here is my attempt at a gallery wall! It needs a little help! I'm going to trade out some of the black frames for white ones and most of the black and white pictures are going to be replaced with new colored ones, and add a few new things to the wall. Also, this two drawer night stand is going to be moved into our room. We don't use it in here and it's too big for the space. I'm on the hunt for a tree round that I can make into a little side table for this space. I'm thinking something like this. Ahhhh... wouldn't that just be amazing!

So there is a little sneak peek into our living area! It needs some help... but I've got a list made and I've started working on some projects to make it a little more bright and lively.

Here are some color combo's that I like that I'm going to try and work with...

+

 



+

 

 

Any ideas on what colors would look good in here? Hopefully I can get it pulled together soon!

Coming full circle...

Last Friday I woke up bright and early when my husband came in from work. The boy was already awake and I laid in bed and listened to them make crepes together in the kitchen. I listened to them go back and forth, talking about nightly dreams and plans for the day. Then pretty soon, little brother joined in on the early morning fun. I didn't get up and join them, but rather stayed in bed and felt his little kicks inside of my body. I thought about how this day marked 21 weeks into my pregnancy. We had come full circle...

The last time I felt a baby kick inside of me I was on my way to the hospital to have Clayton... 21 weeks pregnant. "He's still kicking honey..." I said with tears streaming down my face. While I was still hoping for the best, I knew deep down that this boy would be born sometime that day and that he would die. And there he was... innocent, still so tiny and kicking around in his rapidly draining pool of water that was no longer able to hold him. That was my last experience with baby kicks. That memory has haunted me for the past four years.

Would I ever be able to see my belly swell with a baby inside of it again? Would I ever feel a baby kicking around inside of me? Would I ever be able to experience the wonders of pregnancy again? I didn't know. That was one of my biggest concerns when I thought I might have cancer 3 short months after feeling those last baby kicks. Would I ever be able to have a baby again? I did not know that answer. But I did know that my one biggest wish was that someday I would be able to come full circle. That someday I would carry a baby again, and feel a baby kick around inside of me. That I would make it to 21 weeks again and beyond. That I would be able to give birth, and breast feed, and cuddle a baby into my neck and smell that sweet baby smell around my house again. Is it too much to ask for? Yes... surely it was! There were many times I felt completely unworthy to even desire this. I needed to just be thankful for my husband, and my son, and that I survived cancer when so many people don't even get that opportunity. But to have all of that and still want a baby? Was I being way too selfish and asking way too much? Did I even deserve that?

I've gone back and forth depending on where I was in my life at the moment on these thoughts. But I have never been able to shake this desire to be where I am exactly right now. Pregnant... and thriving. And making plans to bring a precious baby home.

I've been very nervous and anxious the last few weeks coming up to this point. I have a problem that I call the "impending doom" syndrome. I feel like I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to spring up on me or come beating down my door. I feel like I can't get too comfortable being happy because it's not going to last, something bad is going to happen. Good things that I want don't happen to me, they happen to everyone else. It's a really horrible way to live. But I think this is my coping mechanism. It's to help save my soul from more heartache, more set backs, more devastation... if I don't get my hopes up on things then I can't be too disappointed when they don't happen. That is how I've felt through this pregnancy, scared to get too excited because surely this isn't happening to me. Surely this isn't going to work out the way I want it to right? How awful, to feel this way.

I've been trying really hard to let go of this. Because the truth is... God has blessed me with the deepest desire of my heart. He has given me the most amazing gift I could ever ask for. He is sending me another one of his precious spirits to be a mother to. Whether I feel I deserve it or not... he has blessed me with this. And I am so truly grateful. I am humbled and honored to be where I am right now.

As I woke up last week the worries and fears I've carried around for the past four years faded away and I basked in the moment of enjoying the baby kicks again. We made it. Somehow... we made it. Somehow I made it. A sadness that I have carried so deeply for so long has been made very light this last week, as I've finally found myself planning for this new life and getting ready and excited for this new boy to come into our lives.

 22 weeks feels very, very good...

How many pills does it take to make a baby?

I've had quite a few people ask me about the diet that I followed to try and get pregnant. I really believe that eating a low glycemic diet helped us to make this happen. I felt the results of it within the first week and saw some dramatic changes in my mood, monthly cycle, and energy levels in the three months that I ate completely that way. But that is not all we did to try and conceive. We sort of tried a whole bunch of things at once, so I am not exactly sure what it was that made this happen for us, or if it was a mixture of all of it. All I know is that for me, it worked, and it worked fast once we got our ducks in a row.

I want to share what we did to try and make a baby for a few reasons. One is so that in the future when we try to get pregnant again I can remember what we did. Also, in case this information can help anyone out there that is trying to have a baby and suffering from infertility. I know that the title of this post is ridiculous. I'm sure that many of who read that though, "Ummm... I don't have to take any pills to make a baby!" While there are others of you who though, "It doesn't matter how many pills I take, I'm still not going to be able to make a baby." We are all different, our bodies are different. Our plans for our family are different and our trials and successes in life are different. There is no one way to do things, and sometimes things work and sometimes they don't.

*** This is a really long, detailed post with lots of links, etc. Please don't feel like you have to read the whole thing if you are not interested ;). 

For me... I have PCOS. I feel it was key for me to meet up with a health professional that understood that. I also think that there are different stages of PCOS. For some I think it might be more mild than for others, and I do think that my case is probably more mild than others because I have gotten pregnant five times before. One of my young women leaders growing up has PCOS and was not able to conceive any children, and has adopted 4 adorable kids, and that is how they grew their family. But I also know that so many times we hear people go get help for infertility and they say, "I was told that I have unexplained infertility... they can't tell what's wrong with me... we've tried everything... my only option is IVF." That is why it took me so long to go in and get checked out. I'm sharing this because I am grateful and happy to be a success story, the things we tried did work. And I hope that in whatever stage of baby making you are in that you are able to find the miracle that works for you. 

So here is my fertility story and what we did to make a baby...

First off, I did try to do natural methods to conceive before going to a doctors office for help. I knew that my hormones were off and I tried to take an herb called Vitex to regulate my cycles. This did help me regulate my cycles for the most part, but I wasn't getting pregnant taking this. I've also tried Fertility Blend which is a combination of different herbs and vitamins (this also has vitex in it) to boost fertility. I was taking this when I got pregnant with my first son, but didn't take it this time around... instead I just tried the Vitex.

I decided to go and see a doctor to get some help after we had been trying for 14 months with no luck. I met with a nurse practitioner and told her that I had been told in the past that I had PCOS and thought that could be why I wasn't getting pregnant. She did a quick ultrasound of my ovaries and said that everything looked great and she didn't think that I had PCOS. She sent me out the door with a prescription for Clomid and told me to come back in on the 12th day of my next cycle for a follicle check. She also did a blood test called a FSH test to see if my ovaries were functioning normally after going through chemo, and they were.

This is where I feel the stars aligned for me and I was able to meet with someone who could truly help me. The day I needed to have my follicle check done this nurse practitioner was on vacation, and I met with the nurse midwife they had at the center instead. I knew immediately that she was going to be able to help me. She instantly recognized the signs of PCOS on my ovaries from the "pearl necklace" affect that was there. That is where there are cysts that surround the ovary resembling a string of pearls. I also had many of the symptoms such as acne, weight gain, irregular cycles. I felt a great connection to this woman and I knew that she would do what she could to try and help us, and she was very confident that she could.

That's when things got a little crazy and I found out a week later that I had an ectopic pregnancy with my right ovary blowing up to the size of a grapefruit. We took a break and I got back on birth control pills for 2 months so that my ovary could heal and shrink back down to normal. Then the game was on and we got to work...

1. When my ovary looked OK again she first had me start taking Metformin which is a medication for people with type II diabetes. They have linked PCOS to problems with insulin resistance and have found that they have better conception rates for women with PCOS when they take Metformin. I started taking this twice a day and am still taking it. I plan on taking it until just before I deliver the baby because it reduces the risk of gestational diabetes, reduces the risk of miscarriage in women, and will hopefully help me to not have a huge baby since my first one was over 9 lbs (another sign of a PCOS mom). The side affects were bad for the first few weeks (digestion problems...) but my body is used to it now. I completely attribute not having gained as much weight this time around to taking Metformin.

2. This is when I also started eating a low glycemic diet. Basically no sugar, no white bread, no wheat bread, no rice. I could eat oatmeal, corn meal, and spelt flour for my carbs. Within one month of taking Metformin and eating this diet I had a completely normal 28 day cycle for the first time I can even remember. I do believe that these two things were able to stabilize my hormone problems so that I could ovulate and conceive.

3. During this month of hormone stabilization as she called it, I had a test done called a Hysterosalpingogram or HSG test. Basically they put a catheter up inside of your uterus and shoot some saline up there and look at your uterus and fallopian tubes under an ultrasound to see if there are any blockages to your tubes or scar tissue in your uterus that would prevent a pregnancy. It was a quick, in office procedure... that hurt like HELL!!! I didn't realize that it was going to be so painful. The doctor who performed the test told me just before it happened that it would be quite painful... but just for a minute. Whatever. I was in pain for days. I am not a screamer so to speak and I screamed right there in the office. It was right up there with a bone marrow biopsy on the pain scale. I just wish that I had talked to someone who had done this before so that I would have been a little more prepared for that. I was fully expecting to have some tube blockages or damage to my uterus from the different D&C's and C-section I've had done, but everything looked great! There was no sign of anything abnormal. They say that you are more fertile after having this procedure done because it cleans out your reproductive system and clears out your tubes.

4. When my cycle started after the HSG was done I took a fertility drug called Femara. Because of what happened when I took Clomid (which is the normal, go to fertility drug), I am no longer able to take Clomid or any injectable fertility drugs. The chances of having hyperstimulation syndrome again are so high I would most likely cause great damage to my ovaries to the point that I could lose them. Femara was really my only option at this point. Femara is actually a drug that they use to treat breast cancer in patients who are past menopause. My midwife assured me that it works completely differently than Clomid and I would not have the same problems that I did with that. She also said that this drug works really well with women who have PCOS. I took it for 5 days to stimulate ovulation and went in on day 12 for another follicle check to see if I would be ovulating. I did not have any strange side affects from taking this drug. I know people talk about how crazy and emotional fertility drugs make them... that was not the case for me. I felt completely normal.

***A little side story here. This is a shot of my one perfect little follicle that was seen at that appointment. My midwife said she really felt like this was going to work and that I would be getting pregnant this round. I told her that I couldn't go there, I couldn't get my hopes up for this yet. I've had so many big disappointments in life, I just couldn't go there and get crushed if it didn't happen. But when she left the room to write out a prescription I snapped a little picture of this perfect follicle with my phone. I guess this was my little way of showing an inkling of hope. So this picture is half of the baby that is growing inside of me, before it met up with my husbands half...

5. On day 19 of this cycle I started to take Progesterone and a baby aspirin every day. The progesterone is said that help your uterus in the lutal phase of pregnancy when the egg is implanting. It is explained pretty well here. I don't know that I have a lutal phase defect and if that is why I've had miscarriages or any other fertility problems, but my midwife was insistent that I take it. Once I found out I was pregnant we upped my dose to twice a day until I was 14 weeks pregnant. This drug made me really dizzy, tired, loopy. It was awful! But if it helped me to maintain this pregnancy then it was worth it. I also took a baby aspirin everyday and will continue to take this throughout the pregnancy. Studies have made a connection to lower miscarriage rates when women take a low dose of aspirin everyday. Also, I felt like this was a bit of a shot in the dark and we don't know if I really need this... but are doing it anyway just in case.

6. Have sex with your husband. Really? I still had to do that even with all of this? Ha!!! I have to say that was stressful. Having all of this going on really does put the pressure in the love making department. I'm grateful to have such a supportive partner who stood by my side through this crazy ride... and that even though I was sure we missed our window of opportunity because of his crazy work schedule we somehow made it happen. I think that doing fertility treatments kills the romance in baby making... enough said about that.

I started step one of this the end of October and had a positive pregnancy test on December 24th, so we got pregnant the first month that we tried all of this. Like I said, we did a lot of things all at once so I'm not sure which part of this is what really worked or if it was a combination of everything. Also, three of these drugs (Metformin, progesterone, and baby aspirin) are said to prevent miscarriage which is why I am still taking these or took them for a while.

I'm still a very firm believer that God sends his children down when it's their time to come. I wrote a post a long time ago about this and I still believe strongly that we are in very little control in all of this. With that being said, I also believe that there is knowledge and technology on earth today that is to help us. The way that everything worked out for me, meeting up with my midwife the way that I did, having to take a break for my hormones to get in order, miraculously getting a prescription for Femara by the doctor who had done my HSG before Thanksgiving weekend which turned out to be the exact time that I needed to take it and the office was closed for 4 days... yes I do believe this whole process what orchestrated in a way that was beyond my control, and exactly what I needed. All of this was done with lots and lots of prayer. I put off seeking help for a long time because I felt like when God was ready to send a baby to our family then he would! But I've come to realize that sometimes God has us go through different experiences to teach us things, to show us his grace and truly put our trust in him, and for us to go through different experiences. I don't think that by getting help with physical limitations we are "playing God". I think we are taping into the resources that God has given to us in this day and age, and am so grateful for that.

I hope that if you are struggling with infertility that this can give you some hope to keep searching for your own private miracle. Keep seeking to build your family, because family is important. Be open to whatever road your journey takes you whether it be fertility treatments, adoption, surrogacy... it is a different journey for each of us, and I truly hope that you can find the answers that you search for.

Yellow daffodils...

 In those many months that I was trying to get pregnant I thought a lot about how I would tell our boy the news when the time came. I wanted to make it really special, since he had been waiting for so long to have a little sibling. I saw the most adorable house bag and little doll family here that I was pretty set on making. Even though he is a boy... and boys don't really play with dolls, I was set on making our little doll family complete with a house bag to break the news to him about our new addition.

Well, the time came and I made a bag that looks like this little pioneer house we live in. But that's as far as I got. During the first 14 weeks of pregnancy I was taking progesterone pills to help reduce the risk of miscarriage and support the pregnancy and they made me super sick. It was awful. Every time I took them I would have to go lay down and they would make my head spin for hours. It was not good. The longer I took them, the worse it got... so I never got around to making our little family of dolls. But in the end being able to keep this baby cooking is way more important than feeling up to sewing dolls right?

And now I have a bag that looks like this house that I have NO CLUE what to do with it!!!

Sorry, it's a bit wrinkled because it's been sitting in my sewing cabinet, and there it is likely to sit. When I made it I sewed a little flower bed of yellow flowers in the front. Now... I had never seen yellow flowers in front of this house before. When we moved here there were red tulips in the bed and when they were done that was it. But I LOVE yellow flowers! They are so bright and beautiful! So I put yellow flowers in there just because I like them. This doesn't look exactly like the house, but it's pretty close, with some of my favorite features.

The back has a garden with the walnut tree that I love so much. I even put our little squirrel friend that lives in the tree on it.

This squirrel doesn't like us very much. Things got a little heated in the fall when Trent was harvesting the walnuts that had fallen on the ground and the squirrel did not like us touching his walnuts! But I guess he was still able to gather enough because he's still back there, and made it through the long hard winter that we had... and he doesn't yell at us so much anymore.

Anyway, the point of this whole story is that I was a little shocked and so happy to see a bed full of yellow daffodils pop up last month!!! They were so beautiful! We even had some red and yellow tulips come up in the last few days! So my little sewn flower garden turned out to be right on!

I'm a little sad to say that in the last day we've had a really bad wind storm up here, and all the flowers are gone now. They didn't make it through the 70+ mph winds. But they were gorgeous while they lasted! Till next spring little yellow flowers...

Three years...

Yesterday was three years since I took my last dose of chemo. I can't believe that it's been that long, but also it feels like it's been a lot longer. I'm very happy with my life right now...

... We are living in a great place, surrounded by trees and flowers, and great neighbors. There are lots of great trails around that we like to take walks on. It's pretty great.
... I have two amazing boys that I get to spend my days with, and one little guy on the way. A dream I didn't know would be possible after this whole cancer ordeal.
... I'm back around my family and my in laws and it's been great to spend more time with them and have our boy play with his cousins again.
... I'm planting my garden for a second year in a row. Something that I had always wanted to do but never really got the chance before last year.
... I've been able to spend time with some of my best friends from forever ago, and am making new friends in our little town here.

Life has moved on from cancer and it's been nice to make new memories and move farther away from this. It's still there, it's a part of who I've become, but I no longer feel like people need to know that I had cancer. If it comes up, it comes up, but it's not a defining part of me.

Life is good. It's not perfect. There are a few things going on in my life right now that make me really sad and have been hard for me to deal with, but that is life sometimes. I'm learning that there are lots of things that are not in my control that I can't fix. One would think I would have learned that already going through cancer in my twenties... but apparently not ;). I just need to focus on being good and loving to others and be grateful for what I have.

Sorry about the horrible editing of this picture... I have no clue what I'm doing. It got bad and I couldn't get it back...

As far as cancer stuff goes... I'm now more than halfway through my remission. I go and see my oncologist every 6 months for blood tests and a physical exam. I'm done for now with CT scans and am suppose to have a chest x-ray this next week. However, with little brother cooking away in there I wont be doing an x-ray until after the baby is born. I check myself periodically for lumps and bump in my neck, armpit, area to see if I find anything... but nothing has come up! I'm super grateful that things are going well with this!

Lets talk about the hair for a minute shall we? I have not cut my hair since I took a picture last year. I think I've trimmed my bangs twice but now I'm letting them grow out too. I desperately need my hair trimmed, but just have been avoiding it. I'm super partial to my hair now and I love that it is getting long again! It's been fun curling it up. I wish the curl would last more than a day but my hair is so fine and blonde, it just doesn't hold curl for more than a day. I use this method to curl my hair and it works great! I've been trying to be better to my hair and have gone from washing it everyday to every other day. The days I don't wash, I curl. I think I want to grow it another 6 inches or so, I've never had hair that long! It's been fun to have my hair long again and it's hard for me to even remember being bald. Don't get me wrong, I remember it, but it just feels like that was so long ago.

So... it's super awkward to take pictures of yourself. I always end up taking a bazillion pictures and hate most of them ;). I just feel super big right now, and I look at pics of me and think, "is that really what I look like?" I finally figured out if I put my arms the way they are above that you can't see my chunky arms... true story. So it's a trick! Ha! Probably didn't fool anyone though! It's for a good cause right? I will hopefully slim back down when I'm breast feeding in 5 short months. That's the best weight loss tool I've ever found for myself, and I'm hoping it works again!

Anyway... here are some of the out-takes of our little photo shoot yesterday...
 

He really is such a cute helper.

Mid-self timer make out session over here (not instigated by me... and yes I still kiss my five year old on the lips).

 

He felt like Michelangelo needed some pictures after we were done, and I was eating my lunch. Fun times!

 

march...

Happy Easter everyone!
We had a great day, relaxing, visiting family, wayyyyyyy too much sugar.
I need to remember to veto 90% of the sugar next Easter.
Ridiculous!
I can't believe March is already over! Here are some of our highlights of the month...

+++++++

We signed our little dude up for kindergarten for the coming year.
He's so excited, and I am too... for him.
He's ready.
I decided to do afternoon kindergarten and hope that it works out well for us.
I'm just not a morning person, and with a new baby coming at the same time...
It just felt like the best way for me to get a breather in the afternoon.

+++++++

I got to see the baby again this week.
He is growing strong and doing great.
Baby is measuring 1/2 a week behind from crown to rump...
and 1/2 week ahead on femur length.
Long legs... sounds about right!
Still a boy... doc made sure to check.

+++++++

Spring is finally showing up around here.
We planted our cold weather garden last week.
Still no plants coming up, but there are pretty daffodils around the house which I LOVE!
I found some ranunculus bulbs that I can't wait to get in the ground.
They are my favorite flower.
I saw some for sale at Trader Joe's this week and it made me smile.

+++++++

Speaking of spring, I've got spring cleaning fever.
On Friday I vacuumed out both cars and wiped everything inside down.
On the list for this week: wash windows, wipe down walls, vacuum all the cracks and corners in the house...
It's nice to be feeling better so I can get some stuff done!
This last week I packed up all my regular clothes and pulled out the maternity.
Still wearing and buttoning up my pre-preggo pants.
That will probably end this next week ;).

+++++++

I haven't worked on any projects for the past 4 months.
So not like me.
I've decided to get going again, get creating.
I miss it.
We need a good quilt for our living room to cuddle up to while watching movies.
I've been drooling over some lovely Herringbone quilts.
Such as here, here, and here.
Now to pick out fabrics and colors and get it started!

+++++++

My preggo anxiety is running high (anyone have any good natural solutions for this?) Please share...
There is lots happening in the next few weeks that I feel I need to get past before I will start to feel better.
My last chemo anniversary is tomorrow.
Then I will pass my 21 week mark in 3 weeks (that's when my water broke last time).
Our "big" ultrasound for the baby is coming right up (as opposed to the "little" ultrasounds I get every time I go in the office, I guess).
And in 6 weeks will be Clayton's birth/death day.

Sigh...

I wish that old dates could come and go without haunting me. Eventually I'm sure they will.
So I will acknowledge them and get past them and focus on the happy new dates that come into my life.
We're going to go to one of my favorite restaurants after the ultrasound to celebrate this new baby.
Something fun to look forward to.
Other than the beautiful things going on outside right now.

+++++++

Speaking of beautiful things outside...
I miss driving from Nevada to Utah this time of year.
I love seeing all the baby animals out in the fields.
Maybe I need to plan a little getaway so I can see baby lambs again.
'Cause there is nothing cuter than a baby lamb... seriously.

Ground Hog's Day... Meg style...

"Well my dear... there it is. You've popped another subchorionic hemorrhage."

It was the second ultrasound I had with my midwife since discovering I was pregnant. At 5 1/2 weeks I started spotting. Great, after all this waiting and work I'm going to miscarry this baby, I thought. But it came and went... and came again. One thing that I have learned in my experience with bleeding in early pregnancy is that there isn't much that can be done. So instead of rushing in to see what was going on, I waited to see what happened. After a whole week and a half I went in at 7 weeks to see my midwife. At that point I figured I wasn't having a miscarriage but I was worried about having another ectopic. The ultrasound showed that I had one tiny little baby growing in my uterus, no ectopic. But still no sign as to why I was bleeding. My midwife wanted me to come back in a week to check things out and see how the baby was doing. So there I was, at 8 weeks being told the news... another subchorionic hemorrhage.

This is what happened when I was pregnant with Clayton. This is the reason why we lost our second baby. From what I understand it is bleeding that happens between the placenta and the uterine wall. If the bleed or clot gets large enough it can cause the placenta to tear or tear away from the uterine wall. They usually clear up on their own and aren't a big deal. But sometimes they don't heal, they get worse, and can cause major problems. Such as losing a baby.

"You know what this means. No exercise, no heavy lifting, and no sex." She said as she made an X with her fingers. "Be sure to tell your husband." I really wanted my last appointment with my midwife to be different. She no longer follows pregnant patients, just helps them get pregnant and passes them onto someone else. After all, this woman had given us a gift that we were not able to give ourselves. She was able to figure out what we needed to do to have another baby. But all I could think of was how I had already buried a baby because of one of these... and I wasn't able to give her the thanks that she deserved. I couldn't stop looking at the black hole residing right next to my baby.

I've been told many times by multiple doctors that this is something that happens totally randomly. It is not because of the structure of my uterus, or because of anything that I did or didn't do. It just happens sometimes. It's very rare for it to happen in subsequent pregnancies.

I was pretty upset by this news. I understand that it is rare to lose a baby from this. But I've been in that "rare" category before. I went out to the car where my husband was waiting and told him the news. He was quiet for a minute and said, "Well, I guess we should sign up for Netflix again." And that we did ;).

As the snow piled up around my house this winter, I sat inside and hibernated on my couch. Can you believe that in all the snow we got I did not shovel any snow? My poor husband, his winter consisted of working long hours at his job, and then coming home to shovel piles and piles of snow while his wife sat on the couch and watched two seasons of Sister Wives... and then some. It just wasn't worth the risk... nothing was.

Thankfully, my bleeding never got as bad this time as it had with Clayton. I bled until about week 11 and then it stopped. I've now had 5 whole weeks without any spotting or bleeding. With Clayton I started bleeding at 8 weeks and bled until he was born at 21 weeks (sorry if you didn't want to read about bleeding today, I'm trying to keep it tame). I'm feeling very blessed. I'm still not doing anything too strenuous, but I have started going on walks now that the days are so lovely around here. And I'm planning on starting up some prenatal yoga so that I can move my body again.

I sort of feel like I'm living in the twilight zone... or ground hog's day. My due date with this baby is 2 weeks before I was due with Clayton, and then I end up with the same problem that I had with Clayton... and they are both little boys. I feel like I am living through the same situation again. I'm not sure why this has happened the way that it has, but I do know a few things...

 I know that I am thrilled to be pregnant. I'm so excited to be having a little boy. I'm grateful to be at 16 weeks right now and will most likely be holding my breath until this baby gets here. That I will be able to breath, sleep, relax a little better once I make it to 24 weeks which is the time that babies can be viable if they are born at that point. That it is hard to be pregnant again after losing a baby. That every single thing makes me super anxious and doubtful that this is really going to happen. That even though I am overjoyed that this is finally happening for us, I am terrified.

"Everything is going to be okay" was shouted in my dream. I keep repeating that in my head. Half the battle was getting pregnant, but half the battle is also being pregnant. I knew it would be hard to be pregnant again after what happened last time, but I've been a little surprised as to how hard it has been. Things that I haven't thought about in the 4 years that have passed since I was in this situation with Clayton have been brought right to the surface. Hard, scary, terrifying things. But also peace. I felt peace when I had that tiny boy, and I feel peace now. I just don't always understand what peace means, and that scares me (does that even make sense?). Maybe I've needed a year and a half of believing that everything would be okay, set on repeat in my mind, to make it through this time.

So, that's how things have been going. I've been really hesitant to talk about being pregnant because I have had such mixed emotions about it with everything that's been going on. But one thing that my sister in law pointed out to me is that even if things weren't to work out (which they are by the way, they are going to be just fine) I need support from my friends and family. And I am so grateful to have such great support. That after talking about wanting another baby for so long, people are understanding that I am suddenly scared out of my mind.

I have rockstar friends. Seriously, I don't know how I got so lucky. I have awesome girls who are keeping tabs on me and checking up on me all the time who truly get it. And they mean the world to me (if you think I'm talking about YOU then I probably am). And I am grateful to be going through this journey with each of them as they show me what support, patience, friendship, and love really means.

And the payoff is going to be when after four crazy hard years, we are all going to meet a miracle boy who is going to finally be in my arms, and fill this hole in my heart.

Everything is going to be okay...

The hotel room...

About 1 1/2 years ago I had a dream... This dream came just after I had my one year post chemo appointment with my oncologist. I had one question on my mind that I had been scared to ask for a while... when would I be able to try and have more babies? My husband and son were in the room with me when I asked him this question that had been burning in my mind. He took a look at my boy and said, "He needs siblings doesn't he? Your scan was clean, there is no need to wait anymore."

We were elated and planned to start with my next cycle. Before that happened is when I had a dream that left a big impression on me. 

I was in what I thought was a hotel room. It was a place that I didn't recognize, and it was small. There was a living area with a couch and a bedroom behind it. On the opposite side of the rooms there was a small kitchen and a bathroom. In this dream I walked though the living area and past the kitchen into the bathroom. There was a small mirrored cabinet above the sink that I opened and pulled out a pregnancy test. The test was positive. As soon as I registered what this meant I heard a loud, booming voice say, "Everything is going to be alright." The voice was so loud that I woke up startled. 5 AM.

I'm going to find out I'm pregnant when I'm in a hotel room, I thought... and for some reason, I need to know that everything is going to be okay. Why would I need to know right off the bat that everything was going to be okay? What was going to happen?

Month after month went by. No positive tests, and no hotel rooms. We had a family camp out and my sister in law had stayed in a hotel with her twin boys. I stopped by there on my way out to take a shower before driving home. But it wasn't the right time of the month, and the layout was all wrong. This was not my hotel room.

Then we moved back to Utah. I thought we might get a hotel room on our way back to Utah but we ended up doing the whole drive in one day. No hotel.

One weekend about 10 months after this dream... Trent's grandma told us that she had reserved a condo down in St. George that was not going to be occupied for a week. We decided to go down with Trent's sister and her kids for a little getaway. I knew this was finally going to be it! I was 5 days late for my period. I was never on time... but 5 days late was a lot. It was a time-share condo that was sure to have a living area and a small kitchen. I truly believed that this was going to be "the hotel" that I had seen in my dream. I was eager the whole drive to see what awaited me when we got there.

We walked in the door... living area, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom. This was going to be it! I just knew it! That is until 10 minutes after we got there, "it" happened. I was devastated. So disappointed.This perfect hotel room was not my hotel.

I started to second guess this dream. Was it really a premonition as to what was to come? Or was it just a stupid dream? A dream that meant nothing. I started to really hate this dream. It haunted me. I thought about writing down every little last detail that I could remember and light the paper on fire. Watch it burn to ashes and disappear so that it would go away. But I couldn't. It was the only thing that I had that led me to believe that someday I would find out I was going to have a baby. Even if it did turn out to be a stupid dream that meant nothing, it was all I had to hold onto at times.

One year after I had the dream we moved, into a tiny little pioneer house. One day I walked through the living room, past the kitchen and into the bathroom to get something out of the old medicine cabinet. Then it hit me, like deja vu. This was the hotel room. This is what I had seen in my dream. I hadn't recognized it before, and it was such a small area I was sure that it was a hotel. But it was this house. This told me a few things. One, that we were right where we needed to be at this time in our lives... and two, that I would find out I was pregnant while living in this house.

The day was December 24th. I woke up early to get ready to meet two of my best friends from high school for our traditional Christmas Eve breakfast. The boys were both asleep. I was 3 days late after one month of trying a new to me fertility medication, among other things to try and get pregnant. Surely it was way too soon to test for pregnancy, but I had a spare test tucked away... why not? I took the test and then put it up in the medicine cabinet in case one of the boys woke up and came into the bathroom and saw it. I was too nervous to look at it, so I went into my room to finish getting dressed. Then I walked through the living room, past the kitchen, into the bathroom... and opened the medicine cabinet.

There it was. The faintest little pink line. It had worked! I was pregnant. The best Christmas present I could have ever dreamed of.

There was no loud, booming voice... telling me that everything was going to be okay. But I didn't need the voice, I already knew that this too was part of the message. The dream had really become a reality, and I felt peace believing that whatever was going to happen in the next few months... everything was going to be okay.

But what was it? What was going to happen that I needed to know for the last 1 1/2 years, that everything was going to be okay?

It was only a week and a half of pregnancy bliss until I started to understand what this message meant...

Black bean pizza...

This is my last bean post... promise! And it's a bit of a strange one, so I'm sure only the true bean lovers out there will try it out. But it's good! And it makes me feel better about eating pizza...

This pizza is patterned after California Pizza Kitchen's tostada pizza. Once cooked it can be topped with shredded lettuce, salsa, pico de gallo, or just dipped in ranch dressing. I like it just plain as well. Here is our version of a black bean pizza...

Ingredients
Pizza dough
1 1/2 cups black beans
1 chicken breast grilled and cut into bite sized pieces
8 ounces mozzarella cheese
Parmesan cheese and garlic salt

1- Prepare your choice of pizza dough (I've put my pizza dough recipe at the bottom of the post) on a pizza stone or whatever baking dish you would like.

2- Spread about 1 1/2 cups of black beans onto your dough. Make sure they are drained and rinsed and patted dry. There is no sauce, this is your sauce.

3- Add cooked chicken.

4- Spread shredded cheese on top. I also like to season my pizza, I like to think of it as the "secret pizza ingredient". I shake Parmesan cheese on top as well as some garlic powder to add a little additional flavor.You could do Italian seasoning as well if you would like.

5- Have oven pre-heated to 450 degrees. Cook for about 15 minutes or until cheese is melted and crust is starting to brown.

Again, you can serve it with some mexi toppings on top, or just eat it plain like this! Both ways are great!

Pizza Dough

4 cups flour (I use spelt, it makes a great dough!)

2 tsp yeast

3/4 tsp salt

11 oz hot water

3 TBSP oil

Mix 3 cups flour with the rest of the ingredients. Mix with an electric mixer on high for 3 minutes. Using a wooden spoon stir in as much of the remaining flour as you can. 

Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface. Knead dough until it is smooth and elastic. Divide into to balls and let sit for 10 minutes to rise. Roll out dough or freeze in a freezer bag until ready to use.

In other news...

I have one more bean recipe that I want to share... but in the meantime I felt like sharing something else instead tonight...

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!

We are expecting a baby BOY at the end of the summer!! I'm due August 30th and am 14 weeks right now, and starting to look a little "questionable, so I thought it would be a good time to share our news. I'm still in a little shock that we already know it's a boy, but I guess it's just more time to prepare right? 

We are all over the moon excited about this. Especially little Spiderman there, who really wanted to have a little brother. I'm just feeling super grateful and blessed that our fertility efforts worked, and that we are finally going to be having another baby. 

I'm also excited to share this news with all of you!! So many of you have been so incredibly supportive to our family over the past few years. It feels good to finally have some great news to share with everyone!!

And now that I'm out of my first trimester coma... hopefully I will be around this space more!

Bean and cheese burrito + tacos...

Can't really talk about beans without talking about taco's/burrito's now can we? We eat some form of taco's every single week. We love them! You can stuff them full of super yummy, healthy stuff. And ours almost always contain black beans.

A quick and easy lunch that I've been making lately are bean and cheese burritos. They are really simple and take very little prep.

Ingredients:
corn tortillas
black beans
cheese
1 tomato
 cilantro
lemon/lime juice, pepper, garlic powder to taste
hot sauce (I like Tapatio)

1- Warm up corn tortilla's in a pan or on a griddle with some cooking spray/EVOO (I usually do 3 if it's just me eating them).
2- When your tortillas are slightly brown on both sides and warm, spoon some black beans on them and put some cheese on top. Melt for 30 seconds in the microwave.
3- I like to add some veggies here, so I just make a simple pico de gallo to go with. Dice up one tomato in little pieces. Dice up a few sprigs of cilantro. Mix together with a little lime/lemon juice, garlic powder, and pepper. Put a few spoonfuls on top of your beans and melted cheese. If you like hot sauce or salsa, add that too.
4- That's it! Fold in half and enjoy! Super easy, healthy lunch. When using corn tortillas these are low glycemic and will keep your blood sugar at a steady level.

Here are some other taco recipes that we do that you might want to try...

Quinoa and Black Bean Tacos. These are my all time favorite recipe!!! I'm serious! I love these! They are so yummy, so healthy, and vegetarian because quinoa is a complete protein. I recently shared this recipe with my sister in law and she loved them! If you have been wanting to try out quinoa or use it already give this one a try. (I already blogged this one a while back, find the post here).

GOOP Shrimp Tacos. This is the recipe that really turned me onto taco's way back when. It's from Gwenyth Paldrow's blog and they are so yummy. I like how she makes her beans, warming them up on the stove with a clove of garlic and a few sprigs of cilantro. If you're feeling like shrimp, give this a try.

Fish Tacos. Sorry, no pic for this one. My husband likes to fish and so we use the trout that he catches for fish tacos a lot of the time. Or you could just grill up whatever fish you have on hand. We do grilled fish, shredded cabbage, black beans, pico de gallo, some feta cheese, and hot sauce. And they are so YUMMY!!! Okay... can you tell I'm obsessed with tacos.

One fun tip when making tacos. Put a griddle right on the kitchen table if you have the room, and warm up your tortillas right there when you are making them. It's fun, you always have a warm, fresh tortilla, and it adds to the ambiance of the meal.

** Also, you might notice that I don't add onions to any of this stuff. If you like onions, by all means onion them up! I just think they are disgusting and refuse to put onions in anything that I make. My poor husband... he loves them. But I can't even kiss him if he's had onions... and I can always tell ;).

What kind of taco's do you love?

White bean chili...

 I love this soup! And I am not a soup person. This is a keeper for sure. I got this recipe from my friend Emily while we lived in Las Vegas. One day we were taking about recipes and I said something along the lines of, "You know it will be a good recipe when it starts with: put olive oil in the pan... then add garlic." Her eyes got big and she said, "Ohhh... I have a recipe you need to try. You're going to love this!" And she was right! I do love it! We make this one a lot. I've taken this to family parties, church parties, and I always have people asking me for the recipe. This one has been a life saver to me lately because it's a low GI meal, no grains to battle with here. It is good though with some crusty bread... not going to lie. 

Ingredients:

1-2 chicken breasts shredded

1 medium onion chopped (or not…I hate onions so I omit this step)

1 2/3 tsp. garlic powder

1 Tbsp. olive oil

3 cans Great Northern Beans – drained and rinsed (or if using precooked I do 4 cups)

1 14.5 oz can chicken broth

1 small can diced green chilies

1 tsp. salt

1 tsp. dried oregano

½ tsp. black pepper

¼ tsp. cayenne pepper (I use half this amount)

1 tsp. ground cumin

-          Cook chicken in pan with onion, garlic powder, and olive oil. Then shred chicken, put it back in the pan.

-          Add drained and rinsed beans and the remainder of the ingredients. Bring to a boil if cooking on stove and boil for 5 minutes.

-          Reduce to simmer for 30 minutes while covered.

-          If cooking in a crock pot just put all ingredients in and cook for 4 hours

-          Just before serving add 1/2 cup (or a few scoops) sour cream or cream. Stir well and serve immediately.

-          Double recipe for 8-10 people.

** These are also good as left overs. Something I like to do is eat it the next day as lettuce wraps. Easy on the "juice" but spoon the bean mixture into lettuce leafs and enjoy!