Weekend getaway...

My cute husband had a whole 24 hours off of work this weekend and we decided to be a spontaneous and go on a little weekend getaway. Poor husband has been working so much lately, and poor wife and son have been missing him, so we packed an overnight bag and headed east of here. We literally only had about 24 hours before we needed to be back so it was a quick trip. We went to Flaming Gorge with three things in mind that we hoped to see on our trip.

 

1- Fall leaves changing color.

2- Kokanee Salmon spawning in the river.

3- Big horned sheep (I've always wanted to see one of those!) 

 

I tried to sneak a fourth one in there which was to see real dinosaur bones in Vernal, but we got there just at closing time and had a very disappointed little boy (why does everything close so early in Utah? It wasn't even 5 pm yet!). So we will have to go back there sometime when we have more time to do it.

 

However, our disappointment in missing out on the dinosaurs was soon forgotten when we pulled into Ashley National Forest. We saw wild turkeys, deer, raccoons, more deer... and the thick trees were breathtaking!

 

We pulled off the road to explore the trees a bit and then headed into Manila which is surely the smallest town I've ever slept in before.

We found one little diner that was open and had our dinner. We then ordered a banana split for this little guy who had never had one before.

It was a hit to say the least... even though it didn't have sprinkles (the boy really wanted sprinkles).

We found our hotel thankfully by the bright yellow sign blaring in the trees... otherwise we may have missed it all together!

We were one of two people staying at the hotel that night. I guess mid September for Flaming Gorge isn't a very popular time to be there. Even with it being Kokanee Salmon Day!?!? Are we the only people in the world who would drive hundreds of miles to see salmon spawning in the river? Yep... we pretty much were. At least for the first ten minutes, then a few other cars trickled in (phew... I was starting to feel a little silly being the only ones there).

And here they are in all their red glory...

 
We stood on a bridge and watched the salmon spawn in the river bed. Here is what I gathered from listening to the DNR guy who knows a whole lot about salmon. These salmon are land locked salmon who live in Flaming Gorge. When they are about 3-4 years old they start to swim upstream and their bodies change from a greenish gray to this vibrant red color. They find a place in the river where there are lots of rocks and gravel and there they hover for a few weeks and get fertilized and lay their eggs (both male and female fish are involved in this process... obviously... don't know why I felt the need to point that out). Once the eggs are laid the fish die... and thus the circle of life for the salmon goes on. New salmon are born and flow downstream and live in the lake for the next 3-4 years until they swim upstream and do it all over again.

This little monkey was awfully friendly up there on the bridge. Two older men pulled up and got out and he said, "Hey guys, there are three fish on this side! Come on over and see!" And sure enough they followed my four year old to the other side of the bridge to see the three fish. My own little fish is growing up... and surprising me every day with his ingrained traits and habits. I love how outgoing and polite he is.

So there you have it. We went to see fish "spawn" aka make fish babies and then die in the river... moving right along.

I still wish I could wake up every morning, look out the window and see beautiful trees like this. And look at that blue sky! I was in heaven.

And we did manage to see many beautiful colors of trees up there. Yellow, orange, red... they were so lovely.

We did not, however, see any big horned sheep. We drove around for a long time hoping to spot them but we were unsuccessful. I guess they are all making their way back down from the high Uintah's to the gorge right now and will all be back in November for their "rutting" season. However, I don't really want to be around for that one, so I think I will pass. I'm fine going on trips to see the beauties of nature, I do not want to base all of our trips on animal mating season though... aren't you glad you read my blog today?

After that our time was almost up and we headed back home via Wyoming. We pulled off in Evanston for some lunch but the variety of fast food did not look good to any of us, so we held off until we got to Morgan and went to Taggart's.

Trust me. It is worth the drive to Morgan from wherever you live (in Utah... or Wyoming) to eat at Taggart's. That place is so yummy!!!! Just to tempt you here is my lemon poppy seed cheese cake.

The boy loved his extra large frosted cookie as well.

There you have it! Our quick yet eventful weekend getaway. Is it just me, or would you go on a trip with your hubby because he wants to see fish... oh never mind! I don't want to say the "s" word again! I hope you have a lovely Monday!

Diced Italian Tomatoes...

I've been dabbling at canning the last few weeks, and I've been canning my own home grown tomatoes. I wanted to do something big like large batches of spaghetti sauce or salsa... but I've only had enough tomatoes turn red at the same time for 12 jars of diced Italian tomatoes. I think I need more tomato bushes next year... 6 just didn't cut it for a large scale canning operation. I might be able to do a few more before the growing season is over, we'll see.

I owe a big thanks to my sister in laws for letting me use their pots and for moral support at a moments notice. I had no clue what I was doing, but they know how it goes so they were super helpful!

There is something magical about picking your own tomatoes and then canning them. And at the end of your hard work when those little buttons seal on the lids... now that is success! I may have only gotten 12 jars so far, but that is 12 more than I've ever done before so I feel good about that!

I used this recipe which is also in the official Ball canning book. What do I plan on using these for? Taco soup, it's super yummy!

Square one...

Labor Day weekend marks three years since I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought about that over the weekend, especially on Friday. I remember being in the doctors office with my husband and one year old boy running around the room, wearing my favorite black shirt that I had worn to his first birthday party. I remember him saying in as nice of a voice as possible, "Looks like you get to go see the cancer doc". I remember letting the student physician feel the lump in my neck, the first time he'd felt a cancer mass like that. I remember this doctor that I had just met giving me a hug, and I remember calling my mom in the parking lot. I remember feeling relief and fear at the same time. I tend to hold onto dates, reflecting on them each year as they come around again. I also wonder what year it will be when this date passes and I don't think anything of it.

Something else that's been on my mind lately is that my hair is finally as long as it was when I lost it. I had my dear friend Corinne take the first picture of me just a week after I was diagnosed. I wanted some family pictures done before I lost all my hair. She took a few just of me and I have cherished those over the past three years. To remind me of who I was, what I looked like before I went down this road. But here we are... back at square one.

I've always felt like it was all about the hair so to speak. The hair really symbolized to me the whole journey in whatever stage it was in. Now I'm back to where I was when it all started and I feel finally ready to put this on the shelf of life experiences and move forward.

I'm finding that I'm not talking about being a cancer survivor as much in my normal daily life. I don't think about it everyday anymore. My physical reminders are starting to fade, such as short hair and scars. As it gets farther and farther behind the future and new dreams seem much clearer. Being a cancer survivor is a big part of my life, but it's not my whole life. It's part of who I am but it doesn't define me anymore. For a long time I felt like everyone needed to know that I had been through this in order to understand me, but that too is starting to fade. I feel more now that I want people to know that I'm a wife, a mom, an 85 year old knitter trapped in a 28 year olds body {wink}, a nature lover, but I'm finding myself holding back on telling new friends about cancer. Not sure why, but it's nice to move past this phase in life. I'm just ready to be me now... but this me has been changed by cancer. So maybe it's not so bad to wear it on my sleeve from time to time... I guess I'm still sorting out my feelings on this one.

Corinne snapped the second picture of me earlier this week. When she sent it to me she said, "You haven't changed one bit!" Maybe she's right. Maybe I haven't really changed that much over the last three years on the outside... but the inside most definitely has. With trials comes learning, and healing, and greater compassion for others and life's lessons. I'm grateful for the change, but also grateful to finally be back to square one.

Antelope Island...

I've been wanting to take my boy to Antelope Island for a while now. It's a magical place... once you get past the smell of brine shrimp and salt water. Where else can you go and see buffalo roam around on an island in the middle of a lake? I've only been there a few times in my life but I really love this type of thing and knew he would too.

So we went for family night this week and took a picnic dinner to eat with the buffalo. We lucked out and found the perfect secluded spot where there were two buffalo feeding and roaming around pretty darn close to us.

We parked our blanket in the middle of the trail because I didn't want to get any closer to the buffalo ;). Turns out these two were pretty docile creatures. Just getting a little dinner themselves.

 And rolling around to get bugs off their backs. It's quite the ordeal, to roll around in the dirt when you're a buffalo. And loud...

Then this little dude decided that he was a baby buffalo...

We watched the sun set and turn the sky the most beautiful orange color...

Goodbye buffalo... til next time.

You know what else we saw on Antelope Island? Antelope! I don't know if I've ever seen an antelope out there before, but we drove along side this one. He was beautiful!

In a three day span we saw two tarantulas, coyotes, buffalo, antelope, owls, deer, rabbits, all wild... all outside in this beautiful state. Utah, you are so diverse and beautiful! That is why I love you...

boy + box...

 I was tired of the TV being on the other day. So I gave the boy an old, old box and some scissors and told him to make something.

He made an airplane...

I loved his two passengers buckled into the back seat with tape.

 

 

Complete with handles under the wings to hold onto when he's flying around (dad helped with this part). I love happy playtime like this!

 

Heal me...

A few days ago we took an emergency trip up the canyon. By emergency I mean... emergency. I was loosing it. I needed to breath, I needed to get away for a minute. I needed to escape reality and do something that makes me feel alive. So my wise and well seasoned (in my craziness) husband who was driving the car headed for my favorite canyon so that our little family could walk in the trees for a while.

It's been a rough two weeks over in our neck of the woods. I've been debating whether or not to share this on my blog... I still don't know if I should or not, because this is so personal. But those of you who know me best know that I am an open book... and mostly because so many of you know that we've been trying to have another baby and also know that we've started getting some help with that and have been asking me how it's going.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy. I was completely shocked.
 I had a normal period two weeks before. Completely normal. So normal that I took my clomid prescription to the pharmacy and started my first dose of fertility meds. Never even beginning to suspect that I was already pregnant. Two weeks later after some funny stuff happening (I wont go into detail there) a blood test confirmed that I was pregnant. About 5-6 weeks pregnant at that.

Excuse me? Really? How on earth...

It's been a long two weeks of blood tests, four ultrasounds, etc etc to try and figure out what's going on here. Thankfully (did I really just say that?) the pregnancy miscarried itself. I don't need surgery, or even a shot of chemotherapy to terminate the pregnancy (yes, that is really how they terminate ectopic pregnancies most of the time... you can imagine how I feel about that). It just did it on it's own. Blessing? I've been having my blood tested a few times a week to be sure that my HCG count keeps going down. I have to keep doing this until it reaches 0. Today it's 26... so hopefully this part will be over soon.

On top of having the ectopic pregnancy I've had some bad consequences from taking Clomid. I had a rare reaction to the clomid called Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. I currently have three cysts on my right ovary that are doubling in size every week. Just to put this in perspective, a normal healthy ovary is about 3 cm to 5 cm. Between the three cysts I have about 16-18 cm worth of cysts on my ovary, the largest one as of Tuesday was 8 cm. We are just keeping an eye on these via ultrasound. I'm suppose to be taking it easy (but not too easy, not bed rest... but I probably shouldn't be hiking either... whoops) until these start to clear up, but there is no sign of that happening any time soon.

So ectopic pregnancy. Check. Ovary the size of a large grapefruit and still growing. Check. Depressing outlook on future possible pregnancies. Check.

I was also officially diagnosed with PCOS, which is probably why I've been having a hard time getting pregnant in the first place and why I ended up with the hyperstimulation problem. But because of my reaction to clomid I can no longer take that fertility drug ever again. I'm also not a candidate for any injectable fertility drugs, or IVF to try and get pregnant. Usually they see hyperstimulation syndrome with people who have been taking injectable drugs with IVF. It's super rare to have this happen with oral clomid (lucky me). So for me to take anything stronger would have very bad consequences to my poor ovaries.

In the end, I'm ticked off. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm mostly mad. I wish this wouldn't have happened at all. I really didn't want to have an ectopic pregnancy on my already messed up fertility record. That's a big strike against future fertility. And learning that I can not do future fertility treatments is a big bummer for a girl who has a hard time getting pregnant.

I keep thinking that my boy needs to have some siblings. My husband who comes from a large family and loves kids needs to be able to have more kids. These thoughts really put a lot of pressure on me to make this happen for my family. But I can't make this happen, I can't make myself have a baby. But maybe we don't need to have lots of kids to have a happy, wonderful family life. Maybe what we really need is a happy and healthy mom/wife on board.

Our hike was so healing for me. My poor attitude turned completely around and I ended up having a lovely and wonderful day with these two boys. We can weather any storm together. But I need to get my head on straight here and dive deep into practicing some serious self love for this body that seems to struggle so much sometimes.

So that is the new game plan. Get Meg's body healthy through lots and lots of self love so that I can heal. Not to try and "get pregnant," cause that went so well after all. To me self love means eating healthy, getting sleep, destressing my life as much as possible, laughing with my boys, surrounding myself with good positive people who help me feel good about myself, and spending lots and lots of time with the trees... cause that's been proven to be the best drug around for me. (Any other suggestions on how I can spoil myself right now in self love would be appreciated).

I really don't know why I'm putting all this out there. But here it is. Please don't feel bad for me. You can feel bad for my ovary if you want because geez that thing is not happy right now. I guess I just wanted people in my life to know what was going on. I can't feel sorry for myself for too long because, well.... see for yourself.

 With this charming little boy to keep me running all day long I have a hard time not counting my blessings at some point in the day. I am truly, truly blessed to have these boys and am thankful that they put up with all my little shenanigans.

Two minute key chain...

 I have lots of left over scraps from the quilt I've been working on. I decided to make a quick little key chain with some of them.

I just layed them out, braided them, and tied a knot. DONE! Maybe the quickest "project" I've ever done.

Wild...

 Here is what our tomatoes looked like the end of June.

And here they are mid August...

They've turned monstrous! They are growing out of control. Can you spy a creepy face in the next picture? They are taller than me in some places.

We got five big red ones off yesterday, plus a dozen cherry tomatoes. I just hope that most of them turn red at the same time so that I can do something with them like make salsa or tomatoe sauce to can.

The boy loves helping us gather up our food. He was super excited last night because we picked a watermelon that he's been eyeing every day. It's his favorite and the one thing that he wanted to grow in the garden this summer.

And it did not disappoint! He loved it. I think he ate half the watermelon and finished off my piece (I'm not really a fan). Oh the joys of summer!

13.1...

I've been holding off on posting about my race because I've been trying to get my hands on some pictures that were taken during the race. But... I don't know when I will get them and I don't want to forget how it was so I will post the pictures later.

I first had the desire to run a half marathon when I was sick and laying in bed all day from chemo. I don't know what it was, but the thought of being able to do something totally opposite from what I was currently doing was so appealing to me. Chemo (and cancer I guess, but it was really the chemo) was the hardest thing that I had done physically before. It was so exhausting. By the end of it I couldn't even walk through the grocery store. I hated that this once healthy body couldn't even walk around the block. I would lay there and picture myself running in a race, people cheering, my legs working hard... I decided that I wanted to do that someday.  

I made the goal to run in a half marathon at my one year post chemo mark. Little did I know then how long it would take me to recover from that. By one year I was barely starting to feel like myself again, let alone doing something like running. So I gave myself some more time. This spring when it started to warm up I started going on short little runs outside. It was hard... I was so out of shape. I couldn't even run one mile without stopping to walk. I told my friend C that I had dreams of doing a half marathon and she found one and signed up! I had no excuse now! But enough about training (I posted about that here)...

The Saturday before the race I met C and we set out to do 10 miles together. It was an awful run, the worst I've ever done. I made it 6 miles and then hit the wall. The only thing I can compare it to is running through gum. I think it was a mixture of running in the heat of the day and not enough water or something (meaning I didn't drink enough the day before and was already wasted). Plus I brought a sugar snack to eat when I started getting tired. That's suppose to give you a burst of energy so I've been told. Well, it had the opposite affect on me, and it was awful. So the furthest I had run before race day was 9 miles that was done the week before. I needed to add 4 miles onto that the next week.

I didn't do a cancer race, but that is why I personally wanted to do the race. To give cancer the middle finger so to speak. To prove that it didn't take my life away from me and that I could recover from that and do great things that I've always wanted to do. I made these ribbons for me and C to symbolize lymphoma. Lime green is the color for lymphoma (like pink is for breast cancer). I added the lace just because I love lace.

RACE DAY!!! The race I ran was on July 14th. I woke up bright and early at 4:30 AM. We slept over at my mom's the night before so that I could cut 30 minutes off my drive time in the morning to where the race was. I drove over to C's house and picked her up. Then we headed out to South Jordan where the race would be held. Half way there C had a small freakout... she had forgotten her race number! So we turned around, went back to her house and got the number. I am not a speeder, I like to be a safe driver, but I was driving FAST to get there in time! She felt awful, it was an accident. I told her that it didn't matter if we were 5 minutes late, we were going to do it anyway. But as fate would have it we pulled up to The District, jumped out of the car and got to the back of the pack just as they said, "Oh your mark, get set, GO!" We had made it with zero seconds to spare ;). And we were off!

The first 7 miles were great! I was feeling awesome. We got in a comfortable pace and stuck too it. There were quite a few big hills that I was worried about but my training paid off and we ran up those hills with no problem. I have a "thing" with halfway. For some reason halfway is hard for me. To have just done something hard and know that you have to do that whole thing again is never something I like to do. It made me think of being halfway through chemo. That was the lowest point I've ever had, to be halfway done and know that I had to do what I had just done all over again... awful! Lucky for me though I was still feeling pretty great and so the thought of running another 6 miles was okay at this point.

Around mile 8 the sun started to come up and it was getting hot out there. This is where the race started to get harder for me. Just as we were coming up to mile 9 I saw 5 familiar faces sitting on the side of the road. My mom, dad, brother Zach, sister Carly and my sweet baby boy were sitting there, cheering me on. There is something about seeing a child that you created, grew, birthed, and nurture every single day cheering you on in the middle of something so hard. I love that boy so much. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I cried the rest of mile 9.

Mile 10 I was still feeling pretty good. But it was getting hot. I don't like to run in the heat, but I knew we were getting close to the end so I just kept trucking along. C and I acknowledged mile 10 as the farthest I had ever run before and did a little cheer as we jogged along.

Mile 11... I hit the wall. I don't know what happened to me but I slowed WAAAAAAAYYYYY down. Poor C, she is such a fit girl. I warned her that I was not going to be able to keep up my pace and I would probably slow down. She ran up ahead of me and would then start doing circles around me. She ran way over 13.1 miles that day! I think at one point in this mile I started walking. Started meaning I took about 5 steps before she turned around and said, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WALK! Don't do it Meg! Don't do it! Your legs are not going to fall off! You made it this far, you are not going to walk!" So I started running again... it was a slow run but I was not walking.

Mile 12, holy cow this is getting hard! I was so close to the end, I knew that I just had to make it down the hill and around the corner and I would be done! However, we turned one last corner and had to run up another hill! The tears started again, how could I have forgotten about this last uphill? I kept jogging, and ran up the hill. Hills are easier to run up if you don't look at the top of the hill while you are going. Just look at the ground, and go. When I got to the top of the hill I looked up and standing on the side of the road was my family again. My boy ran out into the road and gave us high fives. I so needed to see them again at the top of the hill, and there they were! I had one mile left and I was home free!

Mile 13... C's cute fiance and his mom road their bikes through the race and took pictures for us. They were there bright and early during our first mile and they were there for the last mile. I can't even express how amazing it is to have support when you are going through something difficult. It really does lighten the load. It was refreshing to see them and have them cheer us on. This last mile was so so so hard. C was still doing circles around me and trying to get to run faster. She literally dragged me those last 3 miles, I felt so bad! But at the same time I knew that I could not possibly go any faster than I was going. "Come on Meg, we have one mile. This is just a warm up, this is nothing, do it!" Through gritted teeth and I'm sure not the most pleasant expression on my face I said, "Corinne! I'm running as fast as I can!" HA! She left me alone after that! Poor C.

The last .1. We rounded the corner and I knew we were so close to the end. My legs were just working on auto pilot at this point. I was so tired, so exhausted, so ready for this race to be done! I grabbed my IPOD and tried to turn it to my power song to get me to the finish line but somehow I had turned it off and could not get it back on! So instead of finishing the race off to Black Eyed Peas I finished it to the sound of my breath, the sound of my feet... and that's it. We came around the movie theater at The District and saw the finish line. Finally, I picked up the pace a little and RAN through that finish line. We were done! We did it! I could not believe that we had actually done it! Okay, I knew C could do it, I couldn't believe that I had done this!

And I swore that day that I was never going to do that again! Seriously, that was so hard.  Really, please... if I ever say I'm going to run a half marathon again someone please remind me of this post and talk me out of it...

C's family and my family were waiting for us at the finish line. It was so awesome to have so much support! I didn't finish in my goal time, I was about 7 minutes off, but I'm just so glad that I finished at all and was able to jog the whole way.

When I got in the car to drive home the tears started and wouldn't stop. I bawled the whole 45 minute drive home and most of the day. I think for the first time in years these tears were completely happy tears. Grateful tears. Humble tears. I kept seeing flashes in my mind of a bald, sick girl laying on her couch day after day... dreaming about running in a race. I had done it. Two years later, I had done it. I'm no longer that bald sick girl... I can do whatever I set my mind to do! Except for run a full marathon :). I'm drawing the line there!

It was hard, it was tiring, it was a lot of work to train for, but I'm so glad that I did it. I can check this off my bucket list and remember again and again that I CAN DO HARD THINGS! Whether by choice or not by choice, I can do hard things. I'm so grateful for the awesome support that I have! I could not have done this race without C's constant support and encouragement. I could not have done this race without my awesome running partner Leesa who ran with me the last month before the race. I could not have done it without other people believing in me even though I didn't fully believe in myself.

*** I thought I would keep running after the race a few times a week. But the truth is I have not been able to run since the race. I went out for a run 4 days after the race and made it one mile. My "good" knee started hurting so badly I could not run another step. My knee hasn't stopped hurting since. I can't fully extend my knee without pain. I can't walk up or down steps without pain. I couldn't drive my car which is a stick shift without searing pain until a few days ago. It's been rough. My running days may be over for a while. I'm glad that I made it through the race without injury, but I'm paying for it now ;).

The Alphabet Tree...

In a few short weeks my boy is going to be starting pre-school. Yes, I've managed to keep him out of pre-school for the last few years (he's going to be 5 in October). I wanted to put him in pre-school last year but with our moving and being in limbo for so long we ended up not doing it. However, we have been making great strides with this boy learning his letters over the last few months which makes me feel better for not having him in any type of organized learning program yet. I wanted to share my super easy learn your letters method that has been working really well with my kiddo.

Here is our alphabet tree...





My friend gave me a cute vinyl tree last year and one day the idea came to me to make an alphabet tree for the boy. So this tree lives on the wall in his room and every few days or week he gets to draw a new letter and put it on the tree. I'm super relaxed about it, it's more of a fun thing not a very scheduled thing. He draws a letter when I feel like he's learned the last one well enough or he's getting bored one afternoon and it gives him something to do and work on. Then he tapes the letter up wherever he wants and we spend the next few days learning about the letter. The goal for me (and him) is to do one thing a day with that letter until he has it down.

For example, the last letter he drew was P. So here are the P things that we did this week.

There are lots of coloring pages online for kids. I like this one because it shows different things that start with the letter, and I like the big block letters that he can draw the letter inside of it. I almost always print off a coloring page for him to do during the week.

We made some play dough and he made letter P's before doing whatever else he wanted to do with it.



Starfall is such a great website. My aunt told me about this, she volunteers for a kindergarten class and said that they use this a lot at the school. It has each letter and he can go through the different examples for each letter. They also have the sign language for each letter.

What fun would learning letters be if we didn't make pancakes each week with the current letter? He loves getting his letter pancakes.

Other ideas for letters:
 - Go to the library and get a book that mostly has to do with that letter (so for P we could have found a book on parks, or picnics, pigs, etc). Read the book and point out the letter p's in the book.
 - Practice writing outside with chalk.
 - Go on a field trip and point out the letter you are working on. We had a picnic in the park and talked more about p's.
 - Get pipe cleaners and make letters by bending the pipe cleaners around.
 - Just simply practice writing the letters on paper.

There are so many things you can do! It's just a matter of repetition, doing one simple thing each day focusing on that letter. It makes me feel like a better mom because he is learning something instead of just hanging out all summer. He loves it and likes showing off his letter writing skills and feels smart when we are reading books and he can point out letters. It's been a lot of fun for both of us.