Antelope Island...

I've been wanting to take my boy to Antelope Island for a while now. It's a magical place... once you get past the smell of brine shrimp and salt water. Where else can you go and see buffalo roam around on an island in the middle of a lake? I've only been there a few times in my life but I really love this type of thing and knew he would too.

So we went for family night this week and took a picnic dinner to eat with the buffalo. We lucked out and found the perfect secluded spot where there were two buffalo feeding and roaming around pretty darn close to us.

We parked our blanket in the middle of the trail because I didn't want to get any closer to the buffalo ;). Turns out these two were pretty docile creatures. Just getting a little dinner themselves.

 And rolling around to get bugs off their backs. It's quite the ordeal, to roll around in the dirt when you're a buffalo. And loud...

Then this little dude decided that he was a baby buffalo...

We watched the sun set and turn the sky the most beautiful orange color...

Goodbye buffalo... til next time.

You know what else we saw on Antelope Island? Antelope! I don't know if I've ever seen an antelope out there before, but we drove along side this one. He was beautiful!

In a three day span we saw two tarantulas, coyotes, buffalo, antelope, owls, deer, rabbits, all wild... all outside in this beautiful state. Utah, you are so diverse and beautiful! That is why I love you...

boy + box...

 I was tired of the TV being on the other day. So I gave the boy an old, old box and some scissors and told him to make something.

He made an airplane...

I loved his two passengers buckled into the back seat with tape.

 

 

Complete with handles under the wings to hold onto when he's flying around (dad helped with this part). I love happy playtime like this!

 

Heal me...

A few days ago we took an emergency trip up the canyon. By emergency I mean... emergency. I was loosing it. I needed to breath, I needed to get away for a minute. I needed to escape reality and do something that makes me feel alive. So my wise and well seasoned (in my craziness) husband who was driving the car headed for my favorite canyon so that our little family could walk in the trees for a while.

It's been a rough two weeks over in our neck of the woods. I've been debating whether or not to share this on my blog... I still don't know if I should or not, because this is so personal. But those of you who know me best know that I am an open book... and mostly because so many of you know that we've been trying to have another baby and also know that we've started getting some help with that and have been asking me how it's going.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy. I was completely shocked.
 I had a normal period two weeks before. Completely normal. So normal that I took my clomid prescription to the pharmacy and started my first dose of fertility meds. Never even beginning to suspect that I was already pregnant. Two weeks later after some funny stuff happening (I wont go into detail there) a blood test confirmed that I was pregnant. About 5-6 weeks pregnant at that.

Excuse me? Really? How on earth...

It's been a long two weeks of blood tests, four ultrasounds, etc etc to try and figure out what's going on here. Thankfully (did I really just say that?) the pregnancy miscarried itself. I don't need surgery, or even a shot of chemotherapy to terminate the pregnancy (yes, that is really how they terminate ectopic pregnancies most of the time... you can imagine how I feel about that). It just did it on it's own. Blessing? I've been having my blood tested a few times a week to be sure that my HCG count keeps going down. I have to keep doing this until it reaches 0. Today it's 26... so hopefully this part will be over soon.

On top of having the ectopic pregnancy I've had some bad consequences from taking Clomid. I had a rare reaction to the clomid called Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. I currently have three cysts on my right ovary that are doubling in size every week. Just to put this in perspective, a normal healthy ovary is about 3 cm to 5 cm. Between the three cysts I have about 16-18 cm worth of cysts on my ovary, the largest one as of Tuesday was 8 cm. We are just keeping an eye on these via ultrasound. I'm suppose to be taking it easy (but not too easy, not bed rest... but I probably shouldn't be hiking either... whoops) until these start to clear up, but there is no sign of that happening any time soon.

So ectopic pregnancy. Check. Ovary the size of a large grapefruit and still growing. Check. Depressing outlook on future possible pregnancies. Check.

I was also officially diagnosed with PCOS, which is probably why I've been having a hard time getting pregnant in the first place and why I ended up with the hyperstimulation problem. But because of my reaction to clomid I can no longer take that fertility drug ever again. I'm also not a candidate for any injectable fertility drugs, or IVF to try and get pregnant. Usually they see hyperstimulation syndrome with people who have been taking injectable drugs with IVF. It's super rare to have this happen with oral clomid (lucky me). So for me to take anything stronger would have very bad consequences to my poor ovaries.

In the end, I'm ticked off. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm mostly mad. I wish this wouldn't have happened at all. I really didn't want to have an ectopic pregnancy on my already messed up fertility record. That's a big strike against future fertility. And learning that I can not do future fertility treatments is a big bummer for a girl who has a hard time getting pregnant.

I keep thinking that my boy needs to have some siblings. My husband who comes from a large family and loves kids needs to be able to have more kids. These thoughts really put a lot of pressure on me to make this happen for my family. But I can't make this happen, I can't make myself have a baby. But maybe we don't need to have lots of kids to have a happy, wonderful family life. Maybe what we really need is a happy and healthy mom/wife on board.

Our hike was so healing for me. My poor attitude turned completely around and I ended up having a lovely and wonderful day with these two boys. We can weather any storm together. But I need to get my head on straight here and dive deep into practicing some serious self love for this body that seems to struggle so much sometimes.

So that is the new game plan. Get Meg's body healthy through lots and lots of self love so that I can heal. Not to try and "get pregnant," cause that went so well after all. To me self love means eating healthy, getting sleep, destressing my life as much as possible, laughing with my boys, surrounding myself with good positive people who help me feel good about myself, and spending lots and lots of time with the trees... cause that's been proven to be the best drug around for me. (Any other suggestions on how I can spoil myself right now in self love would be appreciated).

I really don't know why I'm putting all this out there. But here it is. Please don't feel bad for me. You can feel bad for my ovary if you want because geez that thing is not happy right now. I guess I just wanted people in my life to know what was going on. I can't feel sorry for myself for too long because, well.... see for yourself.

 With this charming little boy to keep me running all day long I have a hard time not counting my blessings at some point in the day. I am truly, truly blessed to have these boys and am thankful that they put up with all my little shenanigans.

Two minute key chain...

 I have lots of left over scraps from the quilt I've been working on. I decided to make a quick little key chain with some of them.

I just layed them out, braided them, and tied a knot. DONE! Maybe the quickest "project" I've ever done.

Wild...

 Here is what our tomatoes looked like the end of June.

And here they are mid August...

They've turned monstrous! They are growing out of control. Can you spy a creepy face in the next picture? They are taller than me in some places.

We got five big red ones off yesterday, plus a dozen cherry tomatoes. I just hope that most of them turn red at the same time so that I can do something with them like make salsa or tomatoe sauce to can.

The boy loves helping us gather up our food. He was super excited last night because we picked a watermelon that he's been eyeing every day. It's his favorite and the one thing that he wanted to grow in the garden this summer.

And it did not disappoint! He loved it. I think he ate half the watermelon and finished off my piece (I'm not really a fan). Oh the joys of summer!

13.1...

I've been holding off on posting about my race because I've been trying to get my hands on some pictures that were taken during the race. But... I don't know when I will get them and I don't want to forget how it was so I will post the pictures later.

I first had the desire to run a half marathon when I was sick and laying in bed all day from chemo. I don't know what it was, but the thought of being able to do something totally opposite from what I was currently doing was so appealing to me. Chemo (and cancer I guess, but it was really the chemo) was the hardest thing that I had done physically before. It was so exhausting. By the end of it I couldn't even walk through the grocery store. I hated that this once healthy body couldn't even walk around the block. I would lay there and picture myself running in a race, people cheering, my legs working hard... I decided that I wanted to do that someday.  

I made the goal to run in a half marathon at my one year post chemo mark. Little did I know then how long it would take me to recover from that. By one year I was barely starting to feel like myself again, let alone doing something like running. So I gave myself some more time. This spring when it started to warm up I started going on short little runs outside. It was hard... I was so out of shape. I couldn't even run one mile without stopping to walk. I told my friend C that I had dreams of doing a half marathon and she found one and signed up! I had no excuse now! But enough about training (I posted about that here)...

The Saturday before the race I met C and we set out to do 10 miles together. It was an awful run, the worst I've ever done. I made it 6 miles and then hit the wall. The only thing I can compare it to is running through gum. I think it was a mixture of running in the heat of the day and not enough water or something (meaning I didn't drink enough the day before and was already wasted). Plus I brought a sugar snack to eat when I started getting tired. That's suppose to give you a burst of energy so I've been told. Well, it had the opposite affect on me, and it was awful. So the furthest I had run before race day was 9 miles that was done the week before. I needed to add 4 miles onto that the next week.

I didn't do a cancer race, but that is why I personally wanted to do the race. To give cancer the middle finger so to speak. To prove that it didn't take my life away from me and that I could recover from that and do great things that I've always wanted to do. I made these ribbons for me and C to symbolize lymphoma. Lime green is the color for lymphoma (like pink is for breast cancer). I added the lace just because I love lace.

RACE DAY!!! The race I ran was on July 14th. I woke up bright and early at 4:30 AM. We slept over at my mom's the night before so that I could cut 30 minutes off my drive time in the morning to where the race was. I drove over to C's house and picked her up. Then we headed out to South Jordan where the race would be held. Half way there C had a small freakout... she had forgotten her race number! So we turned around, went back to her house and got the number. I am not a speeder, I like to be a safe driver, but I was driving FAST to get there in time! She felt awful, it was an accident. I told her that it didn't matter if we were 5 minutes late, we were going to do it anyway. But as fate would have it we pulled up to The District, jumped out of the car and got to the back of the pack just as they said, "Oh your mark, get set, GO!" We had made it with zero seconds to spare ;). And we were off!

The first 7 miles were great! I was feeling awesome. We got in a comfortable pace and stuck too it. There were quite a few big hills that I was worried about but my training paid off and we ran up those hills with no problem. I have a "thing" with halfway. For some reason halfway is hard for me. To have just done something hard and know that you have to do that whole thing again is never something I like to do. It made me think of being halfway through chemo. That was the lowest point I've ever had, to be halfway done and know that I had to do what I had just done all over again... awful! Lucky for me though I was still feeling pretty great and so the thought of running another 6 miles was okay at this point.

Around mile 8 the sun started to come up and it was getting hot out there. This is where the race started to get harder for me. Just as we were coming up to mile 9 I saw 5 familiar faces sitting on the side of the road. My mom, dad, brother Zach, sister Carly and my sweet baby boy were sitting there, cheering me on. There is something about seeing a child that you created, grew, birthed, and nurture every single day cheering you on in the middle of something so hard. I love that boy so much. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I cried the rest of mile 9.

Mile 10 I was still feeling pretty good. But it was getting hot. I don't like to run in the heat, but I knew we were getting close to the end so I just kept trucking along. C and I acknowledged mile 10 as the farthest I had ever run before and did a little cheer as we jogged along.

Mile 11... I hit the wall. I don't know what happened to me but I slowed WAAAAAAAYYYYY down. Poor C, she is such a fit girl. I warned her that I was not going to be able to keep up my pace and I would probably slow down. She ran up ahead of me and would then start doing circles around me. She ran way over 13.1 miles that day! I think at one point in this mile I started walking. Started meaning I took about 5 steps before she turned around and said, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WALK! Don't do it Meg! Don't do it! Your legs are not going to fall off! You made it this far, you are not going to walk!" So I started running again... it was a slow run but I was not walking.

Mile 12, holy cow this is getting hard! I was so close to the end, I knew that I just had to make it down the hill and around the corner and I would be done! However, we turned one last corner and had to run up another hill! The tears started again, how could I have forgotten about this last uphill? I kept jogging, and ran up the hill. Hills are easier to run up if you don't look at the top of the hill while you are going. Just look at the ground, and go. When I got to the top of the hill I looked up and standing on the side of the road was my family again. My boy ran out into the road and gave us high fives. I so needed to see them again at the top of the hill, and there they were! I had one mile left and I was home free!

Mile 13... C's cute fiance and his mom road their bikes through the race and took pictures for us. They were there bright and early during our first mile and they were there for the last mile. I can't even express how amazing it is to have support when you are going through something difficult. It really does lighten the load. It was refreshing to see them and have them cheer us on. This last mile was so so so hard. C was still doing circles around me and trying to get to run faster. She literally dragged me those last 3 miles, I felt so bad! But at the same time I knew that I could not possibly go any faster than I was going. "Come on Meg, we have one mile. This is just a warm up, this is nothing, do it!" Through gritted teeth and I'm sure not the most pleasant expression on my face I said, "Corinne! I'm running as fast as I can!" HA! She left me alone after that! Poor C.

The last .1. We rounded the corner and I knew we were so close to the end. My legs were just working on auto pilot at this point. I was so tired, so exhausted, so ready for this race to be done! I grabbed my IPOD and tried to turn it to my power song to get me to the finish line but somehow I had turned it off and could not get it back on! So instead of finishing the race off to Black Eyed Peas I finished it to the sound of my breath, the sound of my feet... and that's it. We came around the movie theater at The District and saw the finish line. Finally, I picked up the pace a little and RAN through that finish line. We were done! We did it! I could not believe that we had actually done it! Okay, I knew C could do it, I couldn't believe that I had done this!

And I swore that day that I was never going to do that again! Seriously, that was so hard.  Really, please... if I ever say I'm going to run a half marathon again someone please remind me of this post and talk me out of it...

C's family and my family were waiting for us at the finish line. It was so awesome to have so much support! I didn't finish in my goal time, I was about 7 minutes off, but I'm just so glad that I finished at all and was able to jog the whole way.

When I got in the car to drive home the tears started and wouldn't stop. I bawled the whole 45 minute drive home and most of the day. I think for the first time in years these tears were completely happy tears. Grateful tears. Humble tears. I kept seeing flashes in my mind of a bald, sick girl laying on her couch day after day... dreaming about running in a race. I had done it. Two years later, I had done it. I'm no longer that bald sick girl... I can do whatever I set my mind to do! Except for run a full marathon :). I'm drawing the line there!

It was hard, it was tiring, it was a lot of work to train for, but I'm so glad that I did it. I can check this off my bucket list and remember again and again that I CAN DO HARD THINGS! Whether by choice or not by choice, I can do hard things. I'm so grateful for the awesome support that I have! I could not have done this race without C's constant support and encouragement. I could not have done this race without my awesome running partner Leesa who ran with me the last month before the race. I could not have done it without other people believing in me even though I didn't fully believe in myself.

*** I thought I would keep running after the race a few times a week. But the truth is I have not been able to run since the race. I went out for a run 4 days after the race and made it one mile. My "good" knee started hurting so badly I could not run another step. My knee hasn't stopped hurting since. I can't fully extend my knee without pain. I can't walk up or down steps without pain. I couldn't drive my car which is a stick shift without searing pain until a few days ago. It's been rough. My running days may be over for a while. I'm glad that I made it through the race without injury, but I'm paying for it now ;).

The Alphabet Tree...

In a few short weeks my boy is going to be starting pre-school. Yes, I've managed to keep him out of pre-school for the last few years (he's going to be 5 in October). I wanted to put him in pre-school last year but with our moving and being in limbo for so long we ended up not doing it. However, we have been making great strides with this boy learning his letters over the last few months which makes me feel better for not having him in any type of organized learning program yet. I wanted to share my super easy learn your letters method that has been working really well with my kiddo.

Here is our alphabet tree...





My friend gave me a cute vinyl tree last year and one day the idea came to me to make an alphabet tree for the boy. So this tree lives on the wall in his room and every few days or week he gets to draw a new letter and put it on the tree. I'm super relaxed about it, it's more of a fun thing not a very scheduled thing. He draws a letter when I feel like he's learned the last one well enough or he's getting bored one afternoon and it gives him something to do and work on. Then he tapes the letter up wherever he wants and we spend the next few days learning about the letter. The goal for me (and him) is to do one thing a day with that letter until he has it down.

For example, the last letter he drew was P. So here are the P things that we did this week.

There are lots of coloring pages online for kids. I like this one because it shows different things that start with the letter, and I like the big block letters that he can draw the letter inside of it. I almost always print off a coloring page for him to do during the week.

We made some play dough and he made letter P's before doing whatever else he wanted to do with it.



Starfall is such a great website. My aunt told me about this, she volunteers for a kindergarten class and said that they use this a lot at the school. It has each letter and he can go through the different examples for each letter. They also have the sign language for each letter.

What fun would learning letters be if we didn't make pancakes each week with the current letter? He loves getting his letter pancakes.

Other ideas for letters:
 - Go to the library and get a book that mostly has to do with that letter (so for P we could have found a book on parks, or picnics, pigs, etc). Read the book and point out the letter p's in the book.
 - Practice writing outside with chalk.
 - Go on a field trip and point out the letter you are working on. We had a picnic in the park and talked more about p's.
 - Get pipe cleaners and make letters by bending the pipe cleaners around.
 - Just simply practice writing the letters on paper.

There are so many things you can do! It's just a matter of repetition, doing one simple thing each day focusing on that letter. It makes me feel like a better mom because he is learning something instead of just hanging out all summer. He loves it and likes showing off his letter writing skills and feels smart when we are reading books and he can point out letters. It's been a lot of fun for both of us.

Sunflowers...

All 15 of the sunflowers that I planted have grown! And they are all taller than me (I'm 5'9"). It makes me happy everyday to see their beautiful yellow petals.

They're getting a little top heavy and starting to bend down. We're going to try and get the seeds out of them. I'm just continually amazed how beautiful things can grown from a little water and sunlight.

It was just a dream...

About four years ago, just after I had my first son, I had a very impressive dream. In this dream I was attending my best friend C's wedding. We stood next to each other with our arms wrapped around each other's backs, getting our picture taken. She was wearing her beautiful white wedding gown and I had a rather large pregnant belly. The dream was so clear and so vivid I truly believed it was a premonition.

I called C the next morning and said, "It's going to happen! You are going to get married when I'm pregnant with my next baby. It's going to happen for both of us!" I was so sure that the timing of these two life altering events were going to line up so perfectly. My friend C has been through a lot in her life. I have admired her for years, but never as much as I have these last 6 1/2 that she has been a strong single mom to her beautiful little girl, waiting a hoping to meet Mr. Wonderful to share her life with.

When I became pregnant with little Clayton a year later I announced my pregnancy to her by saying, "Well, looks like you have about 6 months to get married to (current boyfriend)." She did not think that was going to happen, and sure enough it didn't. And I didn't bring home a baby either. The timing wasn't right.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer, and felt so bad to tack a few more years onto her upcoming marriage and my next baby. I was sorry, but the timing wasn't going to work out for a while.

Then the first day of 2012 came around and I got the most wonderful phone call. My friend C was engaged to the most wonderful man. She had finally found her Mr. Wonderful. I was so excited for her! She ended the conversation saying, "Looks like you have 8 months to make a baby!" I was sure it was going to happen, and felt so much hope that things were finally working out for both of us.

My friend C is getting married in a few short days. And it will be one of the happiest days in my life (and hers I'm sure). But I will not be pregnant at her wedding. Not even a little bit. No chance... at all.

Turns out... it was really just a dream.

Not a premonition. Not a vision of our lives a few years in the future. It was just a dream.

A dream that for years I have clung to for hope. A dream that I have thought about so many times, how could it not be real? A dream that got me through so many hard times when I wanted to give up any sort of hope of having another child. It wasn't real.

I'm grateful for that dream. That somewhere in my subconsciousness I've longed for these wonderful things to take place in my life and her life. I'm grateful that something was there to give me hope.

So in a few days I'm going to wear a darling polka dot dress with my bright red lips and celebrate my beautiful friend and her new husband. And then I will find something else to give me hope.

Basil = Pesto...

It wasn't that long ago when I was first introduced to pesto sauce. One of our friends mom's made the most amazing asparagus/mushroom/squash/noodle stir fry ever that had a pesto and cream sauce and I was hooked. It was divine!!! I really don't think I'd ever had it before, but I loved it. I bought my first jar of pesto afterwards to re-make the meal... and it was a bit pricey as far as sauces go. For an itty bitty jar, I was surprised. So I don't use it or buy it a whole lot, but I wish I did. Ever since I've wanted to grow my own basil so that I could make my own homemade pesto sauce.

Well, my garden pesto was finally big enough to harvest and start making pesto this week!

We spent forever picking it and forever washing it... but my kitchen smelled so good!

I gathered my ingredients. Lots of pesto sauces use walnuts but they aren't very nice to my mouth so I went with pine nuts... toasted that is (brings out more flavor).

Not pictured was the olive oil.

 I threw some pepper in there too, just for fun.

So simple to make! I made two batches (6 cups of fresh basil) which only filled half of my quart jar. Guess I need to get some pint jars for this. I'm hoping to bottle it and have it throughout the year. Look at that beautiful bright green color! It just doesn't look like this when you buy it from the store does it.

I'm going to make Tracey's famous pesto stir fry on Sunday and I'll share the recipe here. It's one of my favorites, and I can't wait to try it with my own sauce.

Sewing cabinet...

When we were living in Vegas I was a spoiled girl. We were living in our three bedroom condo and I had that lovely third bedroom all to myself as a sewing room. It was nice, I'm not going to lie. Being able to spread out my projects and just shut the door when I needed a break and not have to put anything away. That was so nice! I knew that would not last forever, and it didn't. In our little place up here I've been wanting to get a sewing cabinet that I could put all my stuff in. Well... guess what!!! Christmas in July really came this year! My sister in law's parents were giving away some furniture that they didn't have room for anymore and I became the lucky recipient of this beautiful cabinet...

I love dark, cherry wood! It is so big and deep, and perfect for all of my sewing and crafting stuff. It even has double hinges on the doors so that I can open them all the way.

I've got my ruler and cutting board hung up on one door. I think I'm going to put some cork boards on the other door to pin pictures, to do lists, etc on.

Here she is wide open (yes it's a girl...). Look at all that space!!!

I'm starting to get her filled up a little bit. I have lots of fabric to sort into those drawers. The best part... my husband and father in law cut a hole in the front of the cabinet for a pull out shelf to put my machine on so that it's a little more comfortable and there is somewhere to put my legs instead of up agains that bottom cabinet.

The shelf can hold up to 100 lbs. I can use it to cut fabric on, get and ironing matt to iron on. It is so awesome! They built the shelf and the I stained it to match the rest of the cabinet. It looks so great! The colors matched up perfectly. Can you tell I'm over the moon excited about this!!!

It will be so nice to have my own space again besides the kitchen table to work on my sewing projects. Thank you Sue and Kevin!!! Thank you Craig and Trent for customizing it for my needs! I'm one happy girl with my pretty new cabinet...

Beaver hunt...

We went on a beaver hunt the other day at our friend's cabin. My boy has been obsessed with beavers lately (?... not sure why). He keeps saying that he wants a baby beaver for his birthday. We've seen beavers in this area before so we set out on a beaver hunt. Our friend had seen a big beaver lodge on the lake nearby so we waited until it was getting dark in hopes to see a beaver out on the water.

Our first clue, as the boy would say, was this tree. A beaver had been here...

Clue #2... the beaver lodge. This thing was huge!! Set up on the side of the lake, these beavers had been busy building their home .

And just as it was getting too dark to really see anything, we heard a loud splash. A beaver was swimming around in the lake and would whack his tail on the water before diving down. It's really hard to see in this picture but this is the beaver swimming.

It was a fun little hike to see the beaver. I tried to explain to my boy that beavers need water and trees to live, they wouldn't live well in our home and probably wouldn't make a good pet. It was a fun adventure though to see a real live beaver.

I hope that moments like this are what he remembers about summer. The fun adventures that we try to go on. Learning about the world around us. Seeing things in nature that are amazing and beautiful.

Sewing...

My cute friend C took this picture of me the other day without me knowing it. When I saw it I thought, yep... that's me just doing my thing. Wearing yellow (almost always), sitting at my machine, sunlight coming in through the window. This picture makes me happy. This is what I love to do. This is me. Thanks C for the picture!

And I'm working on something super important... a veil for my friends wedding. It's going to be so pretty!