Being yourself in a marriage...

Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- Mae West

I love this antler/flower picture that I found on Pinterest. In a strange way, it reminds me of marriage. Where you take two totally opposite people and try to meld them together to become one.

My darling husband and I will be celebrating our 9th year of marriage soon, which sounds like a super long time when I type it out. We've been through a lot together in our 9 years... a lot (but who hasn't though... right?). We have overcome some pretty terrific obstacles, gone on great adventures together, and seen each other at our best and absolute worst.

We are also very, very different people. Somewhere down the road of our marriage I started to change. I started not wanting to try and compromise over everything and so I got used to saying, "Whatever you want to do honey." Which is a very great thing to say really. But I noticed when I was trying to piece my life back together after cancer that I really didn't know who I was anymore. I had lost a piece of myself along the line somewhere and was trying to figure out how to get that back. Who was I? Other than {husband's name}'s wife? What did I like to do? What was I passionate about? I was pretty lost on those questions.

There is lots of compromise that happens in a marriage, but one that I did that I really regret doing was compromising myself... Now, just for the record this was something that I did entirely on my own. I have a very loving and sweet husband who doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He would do anything in the world for me and our son and I love him to pieces. But I started to push my own desires and wishes aside to do or be whatever I "thought" he wanted me to be.

Until one day I had a realization. HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ME!!! He didn't fall in love with who I thought he wanted me to be. He fell in love with me. Part of my problem may also be that the "me" he fell in love with was 19 years old. At that point in my life I had not much experience past highschool, I had not gone through anything horribly terrific in life that had really molded and shaped my soul yet. While I'm so grateful to have met my husband and gotten married then, I realize now that I still had a lot of growing up to do. And instead of doing that growing up on my own, I've done it as a married girl with a husband by my side. A lot has happened since then, and we've both changed an adapted in our lives.

But I know now that I don't want to be anyone other than myself, because I don't seem to do that very well. And I really missed doing the things that I was really passionate about because it was like I had buried my soul in the closet because "it really wasn't that important." Come to find out it was vitally important to my happiness, and I'm now trying to dust off the cobwebs and try them on again... and it feels really good.

Something that I've been paying a lot of attention to lately are couples who are very strong individuals but also have a beautiful relationship with each other. Couples who are very different yet they respect their partners and let them be who they are.

So my question is, what do you do to maintain your individuality in your marriage or relationship? And how do you let your spouse maintain theirs?
And just for the record... I'm planning on rummaging through my brother in law's unused antler collection (yes... he has one) and recreating this display at the top. I'm thinking of making the flowers out of clay and then painting them. I'll post it up when I'm finished!

November {30}

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Today was a beautiful sort of day...

 - Woke up and got my place picked up and straightened out.

 - Did some dishes.

 - Grabbed spinach and bananas at the store.

 - Went on a drive through this {smallish} town that we are in with my two boys.

 - Saw lots of barns for some good inspiration.

 - Also saw about 12 deer off the side of the road in a herd like above... they were beautiful.

 - Cleaned and vacuumed out my car. That's been on the list for a while.

 - Went out with my best girl for a little girl time.

 - Ate at a great restaurant downtown called Eva's. Not a bad replacement for my favorite tapas restaurant in Las Vegas, Firefly.

 - Saw My Week With Marilyn... it did not disappoint. At all. Surprised by the rating, it was much cleaner than most things on TV now days.

 - Now I'm daydreaming about full, stained lips and quite possible embracing my curvier body instead of always wishing it away...

Not a bad day at all.

Good night November.

Trees for Christmas...

I've listed three of my trees that can be ordered this holiday season in my shop!

If you like the summer family tree order soon because I only have enough supplies for a few more, this one has been my best seller. And once it's gone, it's gone.

I'm trying to clean shop because come the new year, I have some great new designs I'm super excited to share! They will be different... I'll give you one clue... a lot more wood and a lot less fabric.

To say thanks to all of you great friends I'm offering free shipping through Christmas if you use the code Christmas2011 at checkout.

Good luck with all your shopping. I still haven't started mine... yikes!

Leaving Las Vegas...

Leaving the desert...

Everything that I hold dear... my sleeping boy, and my hubby driving all of our stuff behind me...

About 7 days ago we packed up all of our earthly belongings and moved back home to Utah. This is a move that we've been hoping for and anticipating for a long time, and quite honestly we really just picked a date and made it happen. We have a lot that needs to "work out" and happen before we are settled here, but one thing's for sure... we are no longer in Las Vegas. More on our decision to move back home later, right now I want to talk about Las Vegas.

If someone would have told me that I was going to spend four years of my life living in Las Vegas I would have never believed them. We are not city people. We just aren't. We are outdoor loving, mountain people. We love rivers, fishing, hiking, camping, and spending our days out in the trees. So Las Vegas was a different type of experience for us. I had never even been to Las Vegas until we went to check it out before moving there. Our reasons for moving to Vegas dissolved soon after we got there, but we decided to stay... and I'm so glad we did. Vegas really grew on me...

 Las Vegas is where we became parents. It's where we also became grieving parents. It's where we fought and won cancer. Las Vegas means a lot to me, it's where I feel like I grew up to be an adult. The people that we met and associated with in Las Vegas are some of the finest I've ever met in my life. It was really hard to leave that place.

The wonderful ward that we lived in the last three years we were there really became family to us. They carried us through the hardest time in our lives. I could never have made it through cancer without them. So many people were so supportive and kind. I learned how to serve others there by being served myself. It was really hard to leave these wonderful people.

It was hard to leave my job. I loved my job in the ER. I never have wanted to work outside of the home but I had to, and it became one of the greatest joys of my life. I looked forward to being at work because it gave me something to do besides sit at home and feel sorry for myself and my current situation. It forced me to get out there, make friends, see what I was really made of. I was so worried about going back to work after being sick for so long. But I'm happy to say that I thrived at work, I worked hard and became very close to many of the doctors and nurses that I worked with. It gave me a piece of confidence that I had lost, and I am so happy about that. Leaving my job was hard, but now I get to be home with my boy and I am so grateful for that.

It's hard to leave a place that has been so good to you. I left a piece of my heart in Las Vegas, and I will always treasure the time that we spent there, the lessons learned, and the friends that touched our lives.

 So long Las Vegas. Thank you for being so so good to us...

Cowboy...

Speaking of barns... my little dude was a cowboy for Halloween. We went pretty low key and borrowed most of the outfit from my sister in law. The vest, bandanna, belt and chaps are from her. It's nice having sister in laws who sew... I have to say.

We got his hat from the dollar store, boots from Savers for $5, the shirt he already had. We borrowed this stellar horse from a friend...

He was a cute little cowboy. He loved it! I like it when they love their costumes and try to play the part.

Barn raising...

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I really want to make a barn for my little guy to play with all our little schleich barn toys in. I'm hoping to get going on it soon and get it done in time for Christmas. I've looked at some of the barns online that are for kids and I haven't been too impressed. First, I don't want a barn out of plastic, and second, the wooden ones that you buy and paint are so darn expensive!! So I'm planning on making one myself out of wood which will require using saws etc... not something that I'm used to. So hopefully it turns out okay! I'm going to start drafting up my plans today and get going on it soon.

My husbands aunt has an awesome barn that a neighbor made for them that I've been in love with ever since I first saw it. Her barn is HUGE! I think I will make mine a little smaller, but the same type of idea.

I want to make a loft in the top and some stables that can open in the bottom. I'm also thinking a trough with some bales of hay... maybe a little fence, I don't know. Maybe I should just focus on getting the barn done.

And isn't this roof adorable?!?! I think that's what won me over. Wish me luck!

The craft of baby making...

Stealing a kiss from my {not so little} boy...

I layed in bed with this little boy yesterday... nap time. Naps are always better when mom is there.

I don't take naps with the boy very often, but I caved this day. It was his birthday after all.

Every now and then when I give in to the pleading I usually just stay until he falls asleep and then try to sneak out to go do my own thing. But this time he had wrapped his little arm around mine and I was sort of stuck there. So I stayed.

As I layed there I tried to remember what it was like 4 years ago when I held him for the first time. It was a hard day, after laboring for 20 hours and pushing for 2 before being wheeled into surgery for an unexpected c-section. I had never thought that I would ever have a c-section... I don't know why. My mom or sister hadn't had a c-section, why would I? Needless to say it was a rough day. A rough day, that was one of the best in my life. Because I became a mom.

I had tried for a year to get pregnant with this boy. At the time I didn't understand why we couldn't get pregnant. What was wrong with me? Why did it seem that everyone else was able to get pregnant so easily and I couldn't? I realize now the wonderful design of Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful now that I have a four year old. Not a five or six year old, but a four year old. That he was so little when we went through that crazy time in our lives. Too little to know anything, but how to give hugs and kisses. Too little to be influenced by the worries of adults, that he was just a sweet, innocent two year old who smothered his mom with love. This little boy who is so full of love... saved me. He saved my life. Though drugs and potions could spare my physical body for now, he spared my heart.

I'm grateful now that he is four. That he has two years before he will start kindergarten having that late birthday that he has. That hopefully I will be able to stay home with him soon and spend some much longed for time with him before he has to grow up a bit and go to school.

As I layed there with my sweet boy I thanked my Heavenly Father once again that I get to be his mother. And I thanked him for giving him to me when he did... not when I thought it was a great time to have a baby, but when he knew it was the right time for me to have a baby.

I've been thinking about the craft of baby making recently. Some women are able to have babies any time they "want", and have perfectly spaced out children whenever they feel the time is right for them. Other women can't help but get pregnant, and are swimming in a sea of kids because they just keep coming one after the other. Other women have a hard time getting pregnant, they can't get pregnant when they want to. Pay lots of money and spend so much time and energy into trying to grow their family which sometimes works and sometimes... doesn't.

I think that most women would like to fall into the "get pregnant when they want to" category. However, if that's how it worked out all the time for everyone... if we all were just able to have children whenever we wanted to... where does God come into the picture? Where does faith come in? Because it's really not about us. It's really not about when it works out for our "timing", but it's about his timing. It's not about making sure they are each in a separate grade, or that this year we could use a better deductible on our taxes, or that we want to run a marathon before we have another one. Or that our car seat is going to expire so we should fit one more it there... It's about his timing.

And sometimes his timing works out much better for us than our timing would have. But we don't know that until we see it down the road. I really loved this talk from conference, I really spoke to me at this time in my life.

I'm really trying to embrace this right now. And the more I think about it, the more it makes perfect sense. In those moments when I feel sad because I want to have more babies... now, I will remember the beautiful four year old that I do have, and had exactly when it was "right".

Post written October 17, 2011

On the needles...

I've been knitting up some new things. I'm pretty much in love with this lacy - mustard yellow creation here. It always makes me excited to find a few minutes to knit when it's something that I love looking at.

I saw a quote once that said something like, "knitting is my Prozac". I feel the same way. It calms me. It's so relaxing to just sit and focus on the little stitches. Knitting takes a long time, a lot longer than crochet (or so I've been told) and I think that's part of the "therapy". It's something that isn't going to be done soon. It takes many times to find the quiet moments to sit and work, slowly...

My husband says that I've turned into a 60 year old lady... I'm totally fine with that, if it means I can knit, that's just fine...

What not to say to a chubby girl...

It finally happened... every woman's worst nightmare (maybe that's a bit too dramatic?). We were buying some things at The Home Depot today, me, my hubs and the boy. When the cashier says to my son, "Oh.... you're going to be a big brother aren't you?"

Excuse me? Seriously?!?! WHO SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT! Really, isn't it a universal rule that you NEVER verbalize someone being pregnant unless they are actively giving birth or something? At least if they are a good 8 months pregnant and wearing a shirt that says "No I didn't swallow a watermelon" or something of that nature?

The hubs and I looked at each other and just smiled... completely ignoring her. Then she said it again.

"You are going to be such a good big brother, aren't you excited?"

Oh man, you are KILLING ME lady! My husband broke the silence and said, "Maybe someday..."

I've never had that happen to me before. Never. I'm kicking myself now that I didn't come back with, "Nope, I'm just fat." Because then maybe she would have learned this universal rule that you never assume a woman is pregnant... but probably not. Probably not. The second we got out of the store my husband and I both busted up laughing... that did not just happen!

{Sigh}

Yes, I'm carrying some extra weight on me, but I didn't think that I looked pregnant! However, I feel a lot better about what happened today based on the fact that:

A -  I woke up at the crack of dawn and went on a run (day 2 of getting back into it).
B -  I did eat oatmeal for breakfast.
C - I wish there was a C but I can't think of one right now.

Maybe if I remember this for a few days I wont give up on my running again.

Snake wreath...

I really love Pinterest. I do. I was already saving pictures of things I liked on my computer, but it wasn't the best solution because I could never back track to where I had found the picture in the first place. But I like oh so many others have welcomed Pinterest into my life with open arms... it's fun.

On thing that I don't want to happen is to pin a million pictures and just gaze lovingly at them forever and never actually make anything that I like. So I'm trying to actually make the things that I  find and pin.

This snake wreath is one of my firsts...

Not too bad! I gathered supplies. I already had an old wreath that was sitting around... naked.

The large snakes were found at Wal-Mart and the smaller ones at the dollar store.

Wrap the snakes around the wreath.

Spray paint.

Hang and admire...

Now that I'm looking at the pictures on the computer I realize that I need some more snakes! More big snakes. But I love it! It's fun. I think that Halloween is one of the funnest holiday's to decorate for.

All I wanted for my birthday was a ponytail...

All I really wanted for my birthday this year was a ponytail...

And with the help of (several) bobbie pins, I got it!!

Twenty {8} is going to be great!

At least that's what I keep telling myself. The power of positive thinking. It is going to be great!

Toy Organization...

I've been trying really hard to get my home organized. I have a long, long way to go... but progress has begun and that is a great feeling. One that I can now check off my list is getting my little guys toy's organized. I can't take any credit for this fabulous idea, I got it from my good friend Hannah's blog {may it rest in peace...}. She did an organization series once on how to organize kids toys which I totally copied, and I'm so glad! Isn't that what "blog reading" should be about? Seeing great ideas and actually using them to help you in your life? I think so.

We have not used this changing table in a long while, but I'm not quite ready to throw it out yet. So we converted it to a toy storage area in my little guy's closet. 

The bins were all purchased from Wal-mart. I printed out labels with the name of what's in the bin plus a picture so that my little guy could see what belongs in that bin until he's able to read.

I even have a bin with some of his old baby toys, so when little ones come over to play I can just whip out the bin and help keep them happy and occupied. It's worked out great!

I have a bin for quiet "church items" which is only used when we go to church. That way they are not toys that he is playing with all the time so "hopefully" they are fun to get out and see once a week at church.

My only problem is that the church bin is lacking a bit. I'm struggling finding things that my almost 4 year old will want to do in church.

So my humble plea and question is... what do you bring to church to keep your little ones occupied? What seems to work for you and what doesn't? I guess I was always banking on my kid liking to color... but he doesn't. He hates it. So I need to get a little more creative! Any suggestions are more than welcome!

Anyway, I'm really loving this toy system. I have dreams and visions of having an amazing toy room someday, and this is my little start. I'm excited to get more bins put together and in rotation in the closet. The best things about these bins is not only do they fit on the shelves, but I can double stack them in the top shelf of the closet which helps me rotate the bins that are available to play with! Great solution to a previously messy problem of ours. Thanks Hannah!

Blood Cancer Awareness Month...

Did you know that September is Blood Cancer Awareness Month? I didn't either until the other day when I read about it on the Leukemia and Lymphoma website.

So in honor of Blood Cancer Awareness Month, I thought that I would paint my toenails this aw(ful)some shade of green. Just as pink is the official color for Breast Cancer, green is the "official" color for Lymphoma.  Did you know that Lymphoma is considered a blood cancer along with Leukemia and Myeloma? It is. These are all cancers that affect your immune system and are connected to the source of life that runs through all of our bodies... our blood.

September is the month that I was diagnosed with lymphoma. September is also my birthday month (a few more days to go)... and I get to have more birthday's because of the research that has been done to treat lymphoma.

I also finally got my hands on a copy of Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About The Bike, and read it last week. I really appreciate all he has done in the name of cancer and the foundation that he established. They have raised MILLIONS of dollars for cancer research.

The part of his book that helped me the most is when he talked about survivorship. Living through something like cancer is a feat in itself, but life that follows something like cancer can be hard. I know for me I have a lot of guilt sometimes that I made it. Why did I make it while others don't make it? Sometime I feel like I should be doing something big and wonderful with my life because I made it. But other times I feel like I shouldn't have to do anything, isn't it enough that I'm just alive? It's a difficult field of emotions to handle at times. Lots of depression, lots of frustration with a body that has been through a lot and isn't bouncing back as fast as I want it to. Lots of frustration with myself emotionally that I'm not bouncing back as fast I want to.... and lots and lots of gratitude.

Did you know that after going through cancer Lance got back on his bike and started racing again, and he quit. In the middle of a race back in France he got off his bike and he quit. He went back home and told his manager that he was done, that he was retiring. His manager stalled him and convinced him to ride one last race in the United States before he officially retired. He started playing golf everyday and eating at his favorite Mexican restaurant and just did whatever he wanted to do because it should just be enough that he made it through that... and he was alive. It wasn't until 18 months after he finished chemo that he decided that it was time for him to pull himself up and see what he could do again. It made me feel better to read that. He didn't roll out of the hospital bed and go win the Tour de France. It was a long process of recovery, both physically and emotionally before he was ready to prove to himself and the world that he could do it.

He also talked in this book about the duties that lay upon those of us who survive cancer. That we need to help the work move forward. This is why he decided to start his foundation, to raise money for cancer research. I've also been thinking about what I could do to give back. I have a few ideas, and I'm hoping to make those ideas a reality someday soon. I'm grateful for all that has been done so that I could have a shot at continuing my life.

Happy September everyone!

dreaming about the ER...

I had a dream last night...

I was hanging out with my sister in law and she was telling me that her heart was beating in an irregular rhythm and is was going pretty fast. I told her that there were a few things that could be going on. She could just be having PVC's or PAC's (premature ventricular or atrial complexes) which are basically benign palpitations of your heart. Or she be in a rhythm called atrial fibrillation that could be potentially life threatening. If she was in atrial fibrillation (or Afib for short) it needed to be taken care of right away with IV medication or the blood would not pump through her body the way that it should and she could end up having a stroke or something. Then she started crying... all she heard me say is that she could end up having a stroke. I told her that the only way to know was to get to the hospital and have an EKG done and then she would know...

from google

Then I woke up... and I realized that I spend WAYYYYY too much time at work!

I feel like all I do is work, or think about work, and now I'm dreaming about work!! I live/work in the Emergency Room. Sheesh. I long for the day that I dream about knitting a sweater or running in a race or something like that.

I really love my job. It is so interesting to be there and to learn all these things that I've learned. But I do spend a lot of time there. Which brings me to a whole different reality.

I work around doctors and westernized medicine everyday. Part of me thinks that I should go back to school and become a nurse, or a PA, or something like that. But when I come home everyday, I use my lemon grass oil and take my fish oil and probiotics. The only "daily medication" I take are herbal supplements and high doses of vitamin C. Before a long car ride I pop some ginger pills and I treat my allergies with a nettie pot and humidifier.

I don't know if I could be a PA. I don't know what type of medical job would allow me to "preach what I actually practice". This is a field that I really love and enjoy... but I'm torn.

My days in the ER are numbered because we are planning on moving sometime in the next few months. But I really am grateful for everything I've learned there. I don't want to waste it, but I don't know what to do with it either. I have time to figure it out. I'm hoping that my old boss will hire me back and let me be a stay at home mom again.

I think he will... because he says that I'm his best girl. And he doesn't care if I prefer westernized medicine or natural medicine, as long as I take him to the park and make shadow puppets on the wall before bed he's up for whatever.

Yes... maybe it is time for that type of a job again...

Big foot pinata...

We do a family campout every summer with my husband's side of the family. This was the third year that we did it, it's something that we look forward to all year.

For the past two years something that always seems to come up as we are sitting in the dark forest surrounded by trees is... Big Foot. One of my brother in laws is a firm believer in Big Foot, and likes to share the latest story that he's heard about Big Foot sightings while at this campout. We decided this year to bring Big Foot to our camp, so my super crafty SIL Rachel got to work and made an awesome Big Foot pinata.

I can take no credit for this master piece. The only thing I contributed was the idea to use a cereal box for the center. The rest was all her. I think she did an awesome job.

She blew up little water balloons for the head and shoulder pads {and bum cheekies}. Then she laced a wire hanger through the top and down the bottom for the legs, wrapping the legs in newspaper. Once she was satisfied with the form of Big Foot we strung it up on a rope over a table so that we could paper mache "it".

Love the bum cheeks... funny!

We mixed water and four until it was all combined. We made it more runny that thick and had strips of newspaper to dip in and mold to Big Foot's body.

I believe they did three coats, letting each coat dry in between. It was a pretty solid structure, that's for sure.

She decided to spray paint it brown and then cover it with "hair"... and moss. Because you know Big Foot does have moss growing on his back and all.

And here he is in all his glory...

It was a hit! The kids loved smashing in Big Foot! In the end, he was a little too indestructible. All the kids took two turns and he was still pretty intact. I think that two layers of the paper mache would have been fine. It was a fun addition to our campout though, and so much cheaper and CUTER than one we could have bought at the store {assuming that we could have found a pinata like this... which I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have been able to}. Rachel did an awesome job!